


Rare as Gold

by FalseDevotion



Series: All the Hues of Blue [3]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Anniversary, Astrophysicist!Calum, Australia, Christmas AU, Established Relationship, Growth, Loss, Love, M/M, New Zealand, Nurse!Ashton, Okay here we go again, confronting the past, trigger warning: panic attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:40:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 168,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21606181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FalseDevotion/pseuds/FalseDevotion
Summary: “Stargazing always seemed to me like looking into the past.” Anahera smiled, her eyes reflecting the stars up above.The thought made Calum smile too because his grandmother wasn’t wrong. Most of the stars that lit up the sky were long changed by the time their light reached the Earth. From here he could only observe them as they were years or even a millennia ago.“Maybe that’s why people think their loved ones are up there, among them. It’s a beautiful thought, eh?” She turned to look at him with a twinkle in her eyes.“Maybe.” Calum conceded.orGrowing up is hard and scary and you may find yourself lost more often than not. But if you surround yourself with good people, you can always find your path.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Series: All the Hues of Blue [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1454155
Comments: 87
Kudos: 47





	1. Pluto

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, here we go again. Hope you guys come on this ride with me 💙 (more ramblings from me at the end notes hahahhaha)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer! The E rating is there for a reason, there's smut in here

The doorbell rang just as Calum was stepping onto the shower. He cursed under his breath and grabbed the towel from the sink to be able to go open it, but a loud _‘Coming!’_ from Ashton from the kitchen made him drop the towel again and turn to the shower, opening the tab and climbing up inside.

He sighed as the water turned hot, wondering who could it be at their doorstep at 8pm on a Tuesday when his ears picked up the conversation downstairs.

“Mike? What are y–” Ashton’s voice was muffled by what appeared to be Michael smothering him, and Calum turned off the shower so he could listen to it better as he lathered himself up with soap.

“Since Calum moved here I don’t see you anymore.” Calum’s best friend whined, his and Ashton’s footsteps coming up the stairs. “He’s hogging you.”

“Um…” Calum knew Ashton couldn’t really have anything to say, because,… It was true.

He himself hadn’t seen Michael in over a week, and Ashton hadn’t met up with him for a table game night or a Supernatural marathon in a _long_ time. Probably since mid-September, when they last had Luke and Michael over for a guy’s night. And they were nearing December now. Sue them all for being busy with work. Ashton especially. He had been loading on nights from other people from the unit so he could get enough days to go back to Australia for the holidays.

“You want to stay for dinner? Cal just got back from the gym, he’s at the shower.” His boyfriend readily asked, and Calum let out a grunt, knocking his head softly against the tiles. _Why did Ashton have to be so… welcoming?_ _Did he not know what day it was?_

“Yes, thank you so very much for this sudden invitation with no prompt whatsoever.” Michael said, and Calum could almost see him rolling his eyes.

Shit. Out the window his plans for the night went. He really loved Michael, but right now, Calum wished he was anywhere but there. Not tonight. Not on the night of their fucking first anniversary. Well, anniversary’s _eve_. Calum had a plan, and it started with dinner. And now Michael was there, which reduced everything to not romantic, _at all_.

But… It was true they both had abandoned Michael a bit. Calum only saw him at work nowadays, and even then their schedules didn’t align that properly. Michael wasn’t in charge of arranging the shifts anymore, having gotten a promotion over the summer, so maybe that was why. And Calum had to say he missed him a bit.

Okay. A _lot_.

Moving in with Ashton had been one of the best decisions of his life, but sometimes Calum just missed Michael’s old flat and their TV that didn’t work when it was raining and the nights spent just talking. His life was good, now, and yet he still missed all those. Ashton said it was normal. That him and Michael had probably grown closer over that year, and that it was expected of them to take some time to get used to the new normal. Although that hadn’t taken Calum time at all.

Living with Ashton was _easy_ , almost way too easy. Like breathing. The flat had become theirs in no time, Calum’s things easily fitting with Ashton’s. They had discovered the attic Calum was so afraid of was actually a great space to store various shit Ashton had accumulated over the years, helping them declutter the living room and study space to make room for Calum’s stuff. Calum’s telescope now stood proudly beneath the window where he had more than once fallen asleep watching the moon pass by. They shared everything now. The kitchen had become mostly his domain, though. Calum sometimes felt bad about that, but Ashton had never brought it up, so maybe it wasn’t that important to him.

With a sigh, Calum turned off the water after rinsing himself and reached for the towel that Ashton had conveniently laid out for him by the sink before he even stepped into the bathroom. It made him smile. It were all these little details that made this place feel like a home for them both. The glances and smiles when they were doing their own thing but still looked up to check on the other from time to time. The nights they fell asleep on the couch, cuddling after a movie. The days neither of them felt like stepping outside and they just stayed inside and lazed around together.

Calum missed Michael, yeah, but living with Ashton… It was the best thing that ever happened to him.

It took him almost fifteen minutes to finally finish up in the bathroom, wrapping himself up in Ashton’s cosy, old pyjamas that the older had meant to donate when he took out his winter wardrobe. Calum had taken them out of his hands and held them to his chest, declaring they were now his. Ashton had just looked at him fondly, a sweet smile on his lips. He hadn’t said it, but Calum had heard the _I love you_ way too clearly. So these were now his favourite item of clothing. They had little space ships and all. Ashton had said they had been his since high school, and that just made them a whole lot better.

Michael was hanging out weirdly at the edge of the living room space when Calum stepped out, clearly not knowing what to do while Ashton busied himself in the kitchen. It made Calum crack up until he saw the weird expression on his face. Something was wrong.

“Sit down, you dork.” Calum chuckled, instead of getting straight to it, walking towards Michael and wrapping him up in a hug. “Is Grace working?” He asked when Michael pulled away and took a seat on the couch.

“I’m not the one who only has time for friends when their partner is working.” Michael said, smirking, and…

“Ouch.” Calum grimaced. “I kind of deserved that. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Michael laughed with a dismissive wave of his hand. “You’re sickeningly in love. Wrapped up in each other. I get it.”

Calum rolled his eyes at him, but then his eyes met Ashton’s in the kitchen. He felt his own lips turning up out of their own accord as his gaze softened.

“How can you be this disgustingly in love still? It’s been a _year_.” Calum opted to ignore him as he kept sharing a look with Ashton, Michael words only spurring them on to keep not looking at him. “You should have been out of the honeymoon phase by summer already. It’s fucking _November_.” Michael grunted, and that finally prompted Calum to answer him. He still didn’t take his eyes away from Ashton, stirring the soup on the stove.

“What can I say, he makes me feel all mushy all the time.” He whispered, and Calum could swear he heard Michael actually fake-retching to his left.

“You too, love.” Ashton smiled at him, his eyes shining before he turned back to face the stove.

“ _Disgusting._ ”

That made Calum let out a small giggle, finally turning to face his best friend again.

“D’you come straight from work?” He arched his eyebrow at him.

Michael only nodded before relaxing against the couch, throwing his head on the back and rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“What’s wrong?” Calum asked, lowering his voice so that Ashton didn’t hear him on the kitchen.

“Nothing.”

“ _Michael_.”

“It’s nothing, I swear.”

Calum just fixed him a stare. They had a policy of no bullshit, and it didn’t matter they didn’t live together anymore. They hadn’t lived in the same city for over _four years_ and it had still stood. It wasn’t time for Michael to start dishonouring it now.

“I’m just tired from work.” Michael shrugged.

“Just tired?” Calum pressed.

“And I missed you guys. That’s all.” Michael assured him.

Calum still wasn’t sure if that was all, but Michael seemed sincere.

“I’ve missed you too.” He confessed. It prompted a smile out of Michael, so he supposed that was something. “How’re things with Grace?”

“Great.” And that really did light up Michael’s face. “It’s… living with her. It’s _good_.”

Calum looked over to Ashton again, quietly humming something in the kitchen. He was sure he had heart-eyes, but he couldn’t really help it, could he? “I _know_.”

“So when are you leaving?” Michael prompted after a few seconds, trying to regain Calum’s attention.

“We fly out on the 30th.” Calum said, biting his lip.

He was equal times looking forward to it as he was dreading it. New Zealand seemed so fucking far away, and even though he had met his uncle once when he came to visit years ago and his grandmother through Skype before, it wasn’t exactly the same as having grown up with them. Thank god Mali was going to be there with him.

“That’s in like, five days. Excited?”

“Kind of.” Calum shrugged. “It’s weird, you know? I’ve never even met my grandmother Anahera in person.”

It was weird when Calum stopped to think about that. For much of his life his whole family life had revolved around his father’s side of the family. His uncle, his Nan and grandpa. It was strange to think about his mother’s side, on the other side of the world. People he was related to, but he hadn’t had a chance to hug, to get to know.

“Will you be okay?” Michael asked tentatively, Calum feeling his hand squeezing down on his knee.

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly.

Ashton had asked the same thing twice before, wanting to make sure he was going to be okay with the trip. And Calum was, he really was looking forward to discover this part of himself that he had not had a chance before. He was curious about the place where his mother grew up, about his grandmother, his cousins. And the added bonus of next to no light pollution near the place his grandmother lived in was just enough to make him excited. It was a pity he wouldn’t be able to take his portable telescope.

“Well, you can call, if you need to talk. Any time, literally.” Michael said quietly. Calum sent him a tight smile before his eyes glanced back towards the kitchen. As he expected, Ashton was leaning against the counter, eyeing them. When their eyes met the older smiled, letting Calum know he had heard the exchange.

“Thanks, Mike.” He said as he turned back to the blonde. It was weird seeing Michael back with his natural hair colour. It had already been a couple of months, but Calum couldn’t really wrap his head around it. After years and years of suddenly running into Michael with the weirdest colours in his hair, the blonde seemed artificial. It looked good on him, though. Made him look...more mature.

“Okay, you guys hungry?” Ashton piped in, walking closer. “Dinner’s ready.”

“Says the man, as if he cooked it.” Calum muttered, laughing when Ashton play-swatted his arm, leaning down for a quick peck. “I’ve been cooking almost the whole day, I’ll have you know.”

“Oh, I know babe.” Ashton giggled, shaking his head.

“I don’t know if you guys are just the good amount of cute or you make me want to barf.” Michael pointed out. “ _But_ , Calum’s cooking is always delicious, so I vote yes to eating.”

Calum rolled his eyes, sharing a complicit look with Ashton before he got up from the couch.

Ashton went in for a quick shower while they were charged with setting the table. Calum had already laid out everything before, so it was just a matter of adding a third set and putting it on the table. He was in the middle of carrying the plates over when he heard Michael say, “Fuck. Oh my, fuck.”

Calum turned back quickly to him, expecting the older to have hurt himself somehow –Michael always found a way, something Calum hadn’t been too happy to discover while they lived together, mainly because so was he–. But Michael was only holding the candles and wine Calum had prepared for…

“Fuck, I’m sorry, Cal. I didn’t realise the date. I’m sorry.” Michael said really quickly under his breath, closing the distance between them and whispering, “I’m going home. Tell Ashton I had an emergency or something.”

“What?” Calum frowned, taking the candles from him and setting them on the table. “Don’t go, man. It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m literally standing in the middle of a romantic dinner for your anniversary, or pre-anniversary or whatever the hell this is. Of course I’m going home.” Michael whisper-shouted at him, passing over the wine and glancing towards the bathroom as if he was afraid of Ashton hearing him.

“But you’re already here, Mike.” Calum shrugged. “And Ashton invited you. Stay.”

Michael looked unsure for a moment, but Calum could only think about how weird his behaviour had been when he got there, and he repeated, “Stay.”

“You sure?” Michael grimaced. “I can totally go.”

“Just stay. We’ll do the _romantic_ stuff after you’re gone.” Calum chuckled, shaking his head.

“You mean boning each other to tomorrow?” Michael asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Oh my god, _Mike_.” Calum groaned, pinching his nose.

But it was just good having Michael like this again, so instead of swatting his arm like he wanted to, Calum closed the distance between them and engulfed the older in a hug.

“I hate you.” He said, voice muffled in Michael’s shoulder.

“Nah, you love me.” The blonde laughed. He quickly pulled away though. “But seriously, I think it’s a bit weird having me third wheeling on your anniversary.”

“It’s technically not our anniversary until 12 am, you know. So don’t worry, not weird.” Calum insisted.

“But-”

“Michael, just have a fucking seat.”

* * *

“I thought he’d never leave.” Ashton whined from downstairs as he locked up.

Calum heard the keys and then Ashton’s tired steps up the stairs. He had already cosied up on the couch, waiting for Ashton to join him so he could enjoy some well-earned cuddles. That dinner had taken a whole lot to prepare. Especially the baklavas he had baked for them to share. And they had mostly gone to Michael’s stomach.

“That’s _your_ fault, Ash. You were the one who invited him.” He shrugged when Ashton came into view.

“What was I supposed to do? Send him away?” Ashton sighed. “Tell him I’d rather be alone with my boyfriend for the night of our anniversary?”

“He did offer to go, you know?” Calum confessed. “He realised which day it was.”

“You told him to stay, didn’t you?” Ashton complained as he kicked off his slippers and went readily into Calum’s open arms.

“Yeah..., sorry.” Calum made a face. “There was something off about him and I couldn’t put my finger on it. And you had already invited him, so I told him to stay.”

Ashton hummed, burying his head in Calum’s chest before mumbling, “You’re a good brother.”

Calum scoffed, the notion completely nonsensical to him. “If I was, I’d know what’s going on with him. I haven’t hung out with him in forever.”

“Sorry.” Ashton said quietly.

Calum only chuckled. “It wasn’t only because of us. I think I just settled into a routine and forgot to make an effort.”

“You sound like an old married man.” Ashton giggled.

“I guess I do.” Calum said slowly, frowning.

Ashton giggled even more as he settled comfortably on his chest, his breathing hitting Calum’s neck. It was insanely calming, the domesticity of it all. It was a feeling Calum would never get tired of. Settling in together for a cuddle session on the sofa, the candles lit up, their breaths slow. Calum drew up his hand and started drawing random patterns on Ashton’s back, the older actually borrowing in. It brought a sort of warmth to Calum’s chest that made him squeeze Ashton for a moment, dropping a kiss on his hair.

They had spent the day before decorating the flat, Ashton’s Christmas playlist from the year before providing a suitable soundtrack right up until Santa Baby came on, making Calum blush a tenfold as Ashton to start giggling asking for another lap dance. Which Calum may or may not have actually given in to. It had been fun, taking out all the ornaments Calum remembered from the year before, both of them decorating the tree upstairs as the music played in the background. It had almost made Calum cry, too. To think that this was their first Christmas in which they would actually be living together, even if they weren’t going to be at the flat for it. Perhaps that was why the date of him and Mali leaving was hanging over his head. It would be too soon, and he would absolutely hate the idea of spending half of December away from Ashton, away from their home.

“Would you mind doing presents or whatever tomorrow?” Ashton voice cut through his thoughts, Calum looking down at him on his chest as a wave of fondness washed over him. “I’m _so_ tired. Don’t think I can stay awake until midnight.” Ashton mumbled, his words smeared on Calum’s collarbone before he craned his neck to look at him.

“Or _whatever_?” Calum smirked, hanging on just that word and winking at a very sleepy Ashton just to mess with him.

“I don’t have the energy for sex tonight, babe.” Ashton yawned. “I’m sorry.”

“Would you rather we moved to the bed?” Calum took pity on him. To be honest, he was quite tired too, the workout from that afternoon plus the cooking marathon having taken a toll on him. “We can get a good night’s sleep.”

“You don’t mind?” Ashton bit his lip.

“Not at all, Ash. I’m pretty tired too. That meal wasn’t easy to cook, you know?”

“Okay.” Ashton nodded, a sleepy smile on his lips as he leant forward for a kiss. But instead of getting up from the couch as Calum had expected, he settled down on his chest again. “Give me another ten minutes here, though. It’s nice.”

Calum giggled, but he resumed his caressing anyway, smiling down at Ashton. He couldn’t believe it had already been a year since that awful day he came to this place looking for answers only to find Ashton in an awful state. That had been a sad day, but it had also marked the start of them, together. Looking back, Calum was a bit embarrassed of having gone so crazy about Ashton that he even had Luke tell him where he lived, just to get answers as to why the older had ran away after their first kiss. Only _one_ date, and Calum had been so sure there was something worth pursuing between them.

He still believed it. Every morning when Ashton’s alarm went off, and the older burrowed into his hold, apologising for waking him up. Every day Ashton scolded him for leaving the kitchen a mess. The little arguments that dissolved into nothing, almost always ending in tickle fights or kisses. Their relationship was worth it, and even when Calum grimaced looking back a year to how he had acted that day, he didn’t regret it. Not for a single second.

And then he remembered the song he had sung to Ashton that first night they invited Michael and Luke over, the words he had chosen to sing out loud. He had been nervous then. Nervous because that new thing with Ashton had already begun to feel bigger and deeper than anything he had ever felt before for anyone. And Calum had just _known…_ Well. He had _hoped_. And he had _felt_. And almost a year later he was still hoping with all his might that they would be true for the rest of his life.

Unable to cope with the feelings swimming in his chest, he craned his neck, pressing a tight kiss on Ashton’s curls, and started quietly humming along to the tune in his head, his hand never stopping on Ashton’s back.

“ _Have yourself a Merry little Christmas, let your heart be light._ ” He sang softly, feeling Ashton actually smile against his chest, his arms clutching him closer. “ _From now on, our troubles will be out of sight._ ”

As he sang on, he could feel Ashton burrowing into him, his breathing becoming slower, deeper. It made him incredibly calm, being there like that, Ashton almost falling asleep on top of him, the few candles still lit up making the room look cosy. The warmth of Ashton’s breath on his neck. The wind outside. They were all the soundtrack to this beautiful life they had built there, together in this place. Their _home_.

Ashton joined in quietly when Calum reached that sentence, this year both of them singing _‘Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow.’,_ the older leaving a kiss on the exposed skin of Calum’s neck before he burrowed even more into his chest. He let out a cute little yawn and sought Calum’s hand to lace their fingers together just as Calum reached the end of the song, tenderly whispering it next to Ashton’s ear.

“Love you, Cal.” Ashton sighed after a few seconds of silence.

“Love you too, Ash.”

* * *

The smell of pancakes reached his nose even before Calum felt himself truly awaken. He rolled over, trying to search for Ashton on the bed, to get his share of morning cuddles, but the older’s side was empty and cold. He burrowed into the mattress, bunching up the bedspread around himself as he tried to fall asleep again. Calum hated when Ashton worked nights and he woke up to an empty bed. But… Wait. Ashton wasn’t working. Right?

Just as he was about to open his eyes, look around the room for clues –it was still to early to even think of investigating further away than their room–, Ashton came through the door carrying a tray with what looked like a stack of pancakes and two mugs.

“Morning, babe.” Ashton smiled at him when he noticed Calum’s eyes were open. Calum still didn’t move a muscle. By the way Ashton had slipped into Calum’s hoodie, he’d say it was way colder out of the duvet than it was inside.

He watched sleepily as Ashton laid out the tray on his side of the bed, stepping around it to open their curtains a bit and letting in the sunlight. It looked good on him, this first morning light. Framed him beautifully. His hair looked like spun gold where it caught the rays of sun. It made a warm feeling spread from the younger’s chest to the very tip of his fingers. Calum admired him from his position until Ashton opened the fucking window. Then he rolled around, bunching even more of the duvet around himself as he groaned, closing his eyes.

“Not hungry?” Ashton chuckled, Calum hearing how he kicked off his slippers before sliding under the covers and scooching over to him, his arms coming around Calum’s stomach. He was unusually warm, and Calum borrowed back, sighing when Ashton squeezed him against his chest.

“Too early.” Calum he protested without much heat behind. He knew by the light before that it had to be more like 10 in the morning. Which didn’t give him exactly any way to back up his comment.

“We can go back to sleep if you want.” Ashton suggested, his fingers tracing light patterns over Calum’s tee.

The dark-haired hummed, rolling again until he was face to face with Ashton, tangling their legs and leaning for a peck. “No, pancakes will grow cold.”

“They may already be.” Ashton grimaced. “I cleaned everything up before coming here.”

Calum chuckled lightly at that, leaning forward for another kiss, staying longer this time. Enough for Ashton to deepen it a bit, robbing him of air. He was totally down for a morning make out, but the smell of the pancakes was too inviting, so he slowly ended the kiss, sighing against Ashton’s lips.

“I want to do more of this, but before that I need _food_.” He said, grinning when Ashton rolled his eyes, untangling himself from him and sitting up, sliding the tray closer. Calum’s stomach growled at the delicious smell wafting from the pile of pancakes. Ashton didn’t cook much anymore because Calum was home more often than him and he had declared since Ashton already worked his butt off at the hospital he should be able to rest at home. But the older did surprise Calum from time to time with breakfast –not in bed though, Calum was sure that was only today because it was their anniversary–. And he _had_ gotten pretty _good_ at pancakes. Enough to make Calum jealous. Also very hungry.

“You’ll have to come out of the duvet if you want to have breakfast.” Ashton laughed from his upright position.

“Can’t you feed it to me? It’s cold out.” Calum whined, cocooning the duvet again around himself now that Ashton had vacated it.

Ashton had learned to refuse him throughout the year, but Calum knew today being their anniversary, the older wouldn’t have much willpower against the ‘Calum Hood patented pout’. Ashton surprised him, though.

“I’ll tell you what.” Ashton started, leaning close to leave a kiss on Calum’s hair. “I’ll close the window and you can sit in front of me and use me as a heat source.” Ashton he proposed.

Calum immediately agreed that was a good idea, but he waited for a couple of seconds as he tried to make Ashton think he hadn’t. It never worked. Ashton pinched him in the cheek –the guy still had something about his cheeks that Calum would never understand–, clearly waiting for him to agree out loud. “Okay.” Calum giggled, swatting his hand away, finally getting out from under his nest. “If I get too cold and my fingers freeze and I lose them, it’s on you.”

“Whatever you say.” Ashton laughed, shaking his head. “You’ve become way too sensitive to cold through this year.”

“That’s your bad influence.” Calum scoffed, but he quickly grinned at Ashton, climbing in in front of him and settling down against his chest.

They scarfed down the pancakes almost scarily quick, Ashton actually giving in to him and feeding him bits of the stuff as Calum just let himself be. It was nice. A morning like this. It wasn’t usual that they both had a morning free, but when they did, Calum cherished them. He would usually lie in for far longer in bed, but Ashton had gone over the trouble of preparing the pancakes –which Calum had happily realised where made in a star shape– and carrying them and Calum’s tea to the room, so he guessed he couldn’t be too picky.

He was for sure going to miss these moments while he was away. But that was a topic better left for another day.

“You want your gift now or later?” He smiled, turning to look at Ashton.

“How many gifts exactly did you prepare?” Ashton squinted at him. “We fixed a limit and you’ve been showering me with gifts since the 1st of November.”

“I’m not _showering_ you.” Calum denied, feeling the blush creeping up his cheeks. So what if he was? _He totally was_. “I just, I see something I think will look good on you, or I think you’ll like or need and I buy it.” He said out loud instead.

“And it’s just a coincidence that that happens to happen on days that mean something to our relationship, right?” Ashton chuckled, nuzzling him. His eyes had something warm in them as Ashton smeared a smile on Calum’s shoulder.

The dark-haired boy just laughed, neither confirming nor denying. Ashton didn’t have to know Calum had had absolutely everything planned out for their anniversary since probably before even they moved in together. He was a planner, he liked to prepare things in advance. Like the final gift he was itching to give Ashton. That had been sitting on the cupboard downstairs for about two months. It was a bit funny that Ashton had never noticed.

“I have yours, too.” Ashton joined in the laughter, shaking his head.

“Yay! Let’s do this!” Calum grinned excitedly, giving Ashton a peck before he sprinted out of the bed, dashing out the room towards the stairs, almost slipping on the carpet but catching himself on the railing at the last moment. He must have made a sound, though, because he heard Ashton asking an _“You okay?”_ from the room, fondness covering the concern on his tone. He shouted back a quick “ _Yup!_ ” before he opened the cupboard beneath the stairs, moving around the empty Christmas decorations boxes until he found the gift, still wrapped, still intact. Thank god he had remembered to offer to bring the boxes up himself when they decorated, or else his surprise would have gone to shit. He couldn’t wait to watch Ashton’s face as he opened it. He really hoped the older liked it.

When he came back upstairs, Ashton was waiting for him on the sofa, three packages piled up on top of each other on their coffee table. One was _huge_ , leaving Calum to wonder how the fuck Ashton had managed to get that there while he had been downstairs. Maybe he had laid it out before breakfast and Calum hadn’t noticed in his haste to go downstairs.

“Ash… that’s too much.” He said as he bit his lip worriedly, eyeing them and clutching the single gift he was carrying. The situation reminded him of last Christmas, only their roles had reversed. And now he understood why Ashton had insisted so much after that that they stuck to their number and price limit.

“Do I need to recount out loud how much stuff you’ve gotten me over the past month?” Ashton stared at him.

“Okay.” Calum complied, not wanting to get into an argument –as silly and insignificant as that– that early in the morning. And there may have been a couple sweaters, a beanie, some jeans and two new table games throughout November that may or may not have proven Ashton right. “Who goes first?” He grinned as he approached the couch. Calum tried to mask how excited he was, but he couldn’t stop glancing to the carefully wrapped gifts on the coffee table.

Ashton just laughed and handed him a first one. It was the big one, rectangular, quite heavy.

“What…” Calum frowned, really out of sorts of what it could be.

“Open it.” Ashton said excitedly, nudging his leg, an encouraging smile tugging at his lips.

Calum held his gaze for a moment before he opened the wrapping, carefully avoiding to tear it. He always liked to save them, as a memory. And this one was blue and gold, so Ashton must have for sure searched for it specifically. So Calum took his time opening it. And when it was open, he could only just stare at it, mouth hanging open as he tried to process…

“…you got me a record player?” He said quietly, his eyes bulging out as he looked back up to Ashton’s grinning face.

“Yeah.” Ashton grinned, clearly pleased with himself. “Yeah, I guess I did.” He laughed as Calum’s eyes fell back to the box on his hands. The player had a classic design, the platform made of wood, but just a look at the specifications and Calum was starting to feel really excited.

“Oh my god, it has a built-in phono preamp and can play 33 ⅓, 45 _and_ 78 RPM.” He geeked out, not surprised to hear Ashton giggling in front of him. He honestly couldn’t wait to try it out. Although his whole collection was back at Kilbirnie. He would have liked to play something, dance with Ashton. Oh, how he wished for that. It would have to wait until after New Year’s…

“By your face I think you may be thinking about having to wait to try it until Christmas.” Ashton said out loud, making Calum snap his eyes back up to him. The older’s voice had a tone that suggested that may not be the case.

“Wait…” His eyes fell back on the table, the second box suddenly making him grin.

Ashton laughed as he shook his head, reaching for it and handing it to a very amped up Calum who left the player’s box on the ground carefully before he tore up the paper on the second one, this time not even stopping not to rip it.

“I had your mum ship them for me last week. Thought they’d made this place feel more like home.” Ashton said softly. And it made Calum’s heart melt inside his chest, leaving the box on top of the other one and sliding over to Ashton to engulf him in a hug, pressing a tight kiss on his cheek before resting his head on his shoulder. He felt like crying for some reason.

“This is already my home, Ash.” Calum mumbled, actually feeling the tears falling down his face, a knot forming on his throat as he squeezed the older closer, burying his face in Ashton’s hair. “ _You_ are home.”

“Are you…” Ashton started, trying to make Calum come out from his neck. “Are you crying? Calum?”

Calum just nodded, not trusting his voice just yet. Ashton hugged him closer instead of searching for his face again, sighing as he turned his head to lay some kisses over Calum’s hair.

“Love you.” He whispered, and Calum felt goosebumps erupting all over his body. It had been a while since Dalmellington, and he still reacted like that every time Ashton said it. Because… because his voice was dripping with the feeling, making Calum feel it too without even having to look at Ashton’s face.

“Love you too, Ash. A lot.” He mumbled back, leaving a kiss on the junction between Ashton’s neck and shoulder, leaning back a bit so he could look into the older’s eyes. He smiled when he felt Ashton reaching up to wipe a tear away from his cheek, making him laugh quietly through the tears. It was weird, feeling this happy and still having tears in his eyes.

“Do you want your last gift or not?” Ashton joked, his eyes shining too as he held Calum’s gaze. His thumb was still on Calum’s cheek, his hand cradling his face. Calum reached up, his fingers wrapping around Ashton’s wrist and turning his head to leave a kiss on his palm. He nodded silently, biting his lip as he smiled shyly at the older.

“I don’t think it’ll top your reaction from the last one.” Ashton chuckled lightly, reaching for the third and most certainly the smallest of the boxes. This one was only wrapped in ink blue paper, but it had a note attached to it.

“Should I read it before?” Calum asked as he toyed with it, laughing a bit. When his eyes went back to Ashton, he had an adorable blush on his cheeks that made Calum’s heart skip a bit on his chest. Sometimes the thought of just how lucky he was to be dating the incredible man in front of him slipped past him, but right now Calum felt the luckiest man in the world.

“Just please don’t do it out loud?” Ashton chuckled nervously, his eyes glancing around the room as his blush deepened.

Calum reached out for his hand instantly, lacing their fingers together and squeezing hard, managing to extract the card with the other and biting his lip again as he looked down, Ashton’s writing making him smile.

_Hope you like this, Cal. I was searching for something to gift you that would have meaning, and I will openly admit I instead fell into one of these “20 gifts for astronomy nerds that are out of this world” pages. And I saw this… and. It just made sense. Your love for the stars and the sky knows no bounds, and when I look at you… When I see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice… I can feel it almost as clear as I can feel my love for you. I wanted to make sure you had a piece of both, a piece of me, of us, with you all the time. So here is this. Hope it makes the trick. _

_Love,_

_Ashton._

“I feel like crying a lot today.” Calum admitted, reaching up with the hand he had the card on to wipe away the tears clouding his eyes, a tiny laugh escaping past his lips.

“Good cry or bad cry?” Ashton asked, and his voice sounded a little worried, so Calum looked back into his eyes, leaning forward so their foreheads were touching as he pecked him lightly.

“Definitely good. I’m just… so _happy_.” Calum smiled, tears rushing to his eyes again.

“You haven’t even opened the gift yet.” Ashton whispered, nuzzling his nose, a brilliant smile pulling at his lips. “I bet it can make you stop crying.” Ashton added wryly.

Calum let out a watery laugh, taking a breath before letting Ashton’s hand go in favour of opening the wrapping. When he saw a box inside, he still had no idea of what he was going to find. There weren’t any clues, so he just went for it.

Inside there was a beautiful watch, classic navy blue straps, golden bezel. But what was most intriguing of it all was the sky chart inside the sphere, the months engraved in a circumference around it.

“It’s supposed to show you the planisphere for each time of each month.” Ashton said from across him. “I was supposed to set it up, but it’s manual and I don’t understand half of the gibberish from the instructions. Sorry.”

“I love it, Ash.” Calum whispered, his eyes finding Ashton again. “I don’t care about the set-up. This is…”

“Yeah?” Ashton asked. His voice hinted that he didn’t quite believe it.

“Of course I do.” Calum assured him. “You said it had _us_?” He asked, curious.

Ashton stretched his hand, taking out the watch from the box, turning it around so Calum’s eyes fell on the back of it.

“I had it engraved.” The older said, voice incredibly soft.

Calum’s thumb caressed over the date engraved, that day it all changed for them. And then his eyes fell to the words underneath it and his heart gave out, tears falling freely down his cheeks as his thumb slid over them.

“ _‘Scars and all’_.” He breathed out, nodding with a watery chuckle before his eyes met Ashton’s.

The older smiled at him gently, his own eyes misty before he whispered back, “ _‘Scars and all’_ , Cal.”

And the Perseid constellation over it was just a plus, their first _‘I love you’s_ … Calum didn’t think he could be more in love with this gift, in love with Ashton than he was at that moment.

“This is _perfect_ , Ash.” He smiled at him, feeling the tears falling again down his eyes. “Oh my god, it’s like I’m cutting up an onion here.” He tried to joke, laughing quietly as Ashton once again wiped away the tears, smiling softly at him.

“I’m glad you like it.”

Calum leant forward for a sweet kiss, just a brush of their lips, their breaths mingling. Then he leaned back, smiled at Ashton. This small smile, just a tug of his lips as his eyes fixed on the older, love coursing through his veins like wildfire. He couldn’t believe it had been a year. Sometimes it felt like it had been much less, sometimes it felt like he had been with Ashton his whole life. That he would be forever.

Ashton was looking at him with this soft look Calum had learnt to recognise. It came in the quiet moments, when the older thought Calum wasn’t looking. It made Calum feel so… loved. Because that was what was shining through Ashton’s eyes, wasn’t it? The same feeling that spread through Calum’s veins, that made him want to scream at the top of his lungs like he had done last New Year’s. It was too much to take in, Ashton’s love, so sincere, so carefree like this. Calum was still amazed at how easily Ashton gave in into love after having gone through what he went through. It just didn’t… The older was just too good to be true.

He shook his head, trying to blink his tears away, smiling when he felt Ashton’s fingers wrapping around his wrist, taking it up to slide the watch on. It oddly felt like a ring, and Calum stared at it for a few too long seconds wondering how the thought had suddenly materialised in his head.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it before, marriage with Ashton. It was certainly where they were headed, but… Something about this one gift just brought that future closer, making Calum question himself if he should be bringing it up with Ashton. They had talked about it before, once. One small conversation, Calum didn’t even remember what had spurred it on, or who. But they both had talked about their wishes for the future. Marriage, a proper home, pets. Neither had mentioned children that time, but Calum knew by the countless hours Ashton spent worrying over and talking to his siblings, then rambling on about their accomplishments to him that the older would definitely want children. It was fascinating thinking about a future like that. So much so, that Calum sometimes lost himself thinking about it, wishing for it. There were no doubts in their path towards it, either.

Ashton brought him back to the present by stroking his cheek again, amused smile lighting up his face like he knew where Calum’s thoughts had gone to. All sparked from just a single gift with the date of their anniversary carved inside.

“You okay?” He asked, the smile still present.

“Yeah.” Calum nodded, smiling brightly. “I’m just worried about your present now.” He said to cover it.

But it was true. Ashton’s were so _good_ that he was now wondering if his would even match up. And he knew it wasn’t a competition, but he wanted for Ash to be able to look at it and remind him of them both. Of their story. 

“Why would you feel bad?” Ashton frowned, his hand reaching for Calum’s and squeezing.

“It’s not…” Calum trailed off, looking around himself. “it’s not like _these_ things. Yours were _perfect_.”

“Cal, you always think everything exhaustively. I’m a hundred percent sure I’m going to love whatever you got me. You know me _that_ well. You’re _that_ good with presents.” Ashton reassured him, smiling as he said, “Remember my birthday? I absolutely adored the day you prepared for us. The candle with my birthday on it. Don’t overthink it, babe.”

Calum smiled at that, because yeah, that had been a good day, but about this gift… It was possibly the mushiest thing he had ever done. And even when he knew Ashton loved that kind of stuff, “I don’t know, now this feels like…” He frowned, reaching for the gift. “I don’t know.” He concluded, biting his lip as he handed over the gift for Ashton to open it up.

“Okay, next time I’ll start opening presents so you can’t have time to overthink it, ‘kay?” Ashton said with a light chuckle, but by the way he squeezed Calum’s hand again the younger knew he was actually more worried about Calum’s spiralling thoughts than he let on. So he just nodded and smiled back.

“Hope you like it.”

Ashton beamed at him before letting go of his hand to open the paper wrapping, careful not to tear it too. He was more precise than Calum about it, and quicker. In no time he was sliding the frame out of the gift wrap and smiling down at it. The engraved phrase at the bottom was pretty straightforward _–’The catalyst.’_ –, but without the whole explanation about the picture too, Calum doubted it would make much sense. Perhaps that made it a bad gift, now that he thought about it. Hoping it didn’t, Calum waited patiently for Ashton to ask him about the picture, because of course he would ask. Calum just needed to swallow past the knot on his throat to give him the part of the present that was the story behind it, the story behind _them._

“Babe?” Ashton finally asked, looking up with an adorably confused face that made Calum’s heart swell in his chest.

“So, you remember how we met?” Calum said, voice soft as he moved his gifts to the table again, clearing the space so he could slide next to Ashton, his knee touching the older’s.

“Is that a serious question?” Ashton chuckled, face still confused, but eyes warm as they fixed on Calum.

“I had a sprain, I fell, you came to my rescue.” Calum started, laughter seeping into his tone almost as much as fondness. He took the frame from Ashton’s hands and set it on the table too, the blurry picture of what for Ashton had for sure look like just a bright dot staring back at them. He looked back to Ashton, his heart beating quicker inside his chest.

“You were in your scrubs and you looked half dead from tiredness, it was obvious you had just come out of a shift.” Calum smiled, the image still clear in his mind. The blue scrubs, Ashton’s trainers. His hair had been longer than he wore it these days, curls falling in his eyes. “You were the most beautiful man I had ever seen.” Calum whispered, glancing away when he felt a blush creeping through his neck up his cheeks. Ashton had literally been a vision. This insanely cute guy, coming to help a complete stranger just because he heard them falling.

“I must have smelled like shit.” Ashton said, and Calum’s eyes snapped up just in time to watch him make a face.

“I don’t remember any of that. Only your kindness to help a stranger.” He breathed out. Ashton smiled timidly at him, his own cheeks red, and Calum tightened his grip on his hands, as much to show him affection as it was to calm himself. “My ankle was bad because I had twisted it on a night I went out with my telescope.” Calum went on. “I lied to you about how I twisted it, I don’t even know why to this day.” He giggled as he remembered it. He just knew he had been so awestruck by Ashton that he didn’t want to appear as a complete moron.

“I remember that part, yeah.” Ashton joined in the giggles. “You confessed awfully quick though, that day at Gardenia.”

“You were just easy to talk to, okay?” Calum said, half embarrassed half fond of the memory. Thank god he had stopped Ashton that day, he didn’t want to think what would have happened if he hadn’t. How different his life would be right now.

“Babe, I love taking out these memories to revisit.” Ashton started, and when his eyes fell on the picture, Calum knew what he was going to ask. “But I still don’t know how it all ties with your gift, sorry.” He bit his lip. “I guess I’m slow today.” He added, a small chuckle making Calum frown.

“No, no. It’s normal you don’t–.” Calum rushed. “I haven’t finished yet.”

“Okay.” Ashton nodded. Calum squeezed his hands a couple of times before he asked his next question.

“You remember what you asked? After I confessed I had fallen down a hill with the telescope?” He asked, a faint smile pulling as his lips.

He wanted for Ashton to get it so _badly_ , to make this present not so shitty.

Calum had been thinking a lot about what to get him, what could he ever possibly gift him that spoke of their love for each other. He had already shopped for mementos, clothes Ashton could wear close to him. He had needed something good, something _meaningful_. And then he had had this idea. Of framing this pic. The one that started it all.

Ashton was biting his lip again, seemingly focused on trying to remember. He squeezed Calum’s hands back when he noticed his gaze on him, smiling, meeting his eyes before he spoke.

“I asked you if you had managed to see anything, right? To know the trip hadn’t been in vain?” Ashton asked, his voice with a sudden excited undertone that let Calum know he had made the connexion, he was just waiting on Calum to confirm it out loud.

“I told you I got some photos taken.” Calum beamed. “This one… this one was the one I took right before I fell. It’s Pluto.” He explained, his voice thick with emotion. “I wanted to take a better picture of it, because this one was blurry. Went up a hill to get more visibility. But I fell down _that_ hill, I sprained my ankle, having to hop all the way back home.” 

“ _Cal_.” Ashton sniffled, his own eyes filled with tears that Calum hurried to wipe away even as his own continued to fall down his cheeks.

“You and I met because I wanted to take a better pic than this.” He chuckled, glancing to the framed picture. “This is why we’re here, this shitty, awfully blurry yellow blob in the middle of an inky blue sky.” Calum concluded, giggling through the tears.

Ashton let out a laugh too, a smile so bright it lit up his whole face, his eyes shining with tears. “We’ll have to search for a good place to hang it then.” He said, voice thick as he tried not to cry. Calum knew, because he had heard his voice like that before. But never along with a smile. Never when he looked this happy.

“So you like it?” Calum asked, still worried that he might have missed the mark on his gift.

“Are you kidding?” Ashton giggled, letting go of his hands to hold his face as he leaned in for an enthusiastic kiss. When they broke out he started giggling again, his joy so contagious that Calum couldn’t help but start chuckling too. “I love you.” Ashton said between giggles, shaking his head as a couple tears fell down his right cheek. “This was… Why would you doubt this wasn’t a good present? _I_ love it.”

“I don’t know.” Calum whined. “Yours were just the right kind of sentimental and useful, and mine’s just… a blurry pic in a nice frame.”

“It is _not_ , Cal.” Ashton protested. “It is thoughtful, and romantic and _gorgeous_.” He continued, whispering with a soft voice, “Just like you.”

“Shut up.” Calum muttered, feeling his cheeks lit up. But there was this warm feeling spreading all throughout his chest at Ashton’s words. It really made him feel _so_ good, so loved. He hoped Ashton felt it too, when Calum told him he was beautiful, he was kind, he was so strong.

“I’m serious, Calum. This was as perfect as any gift can get. And I am so happy you’re here with me to share it.” Ashton insisted. “I can’t wait to hang it up and look at it every day, it’s going to make me smile so hard.”

“Yeah?”

“Um-hum. Almost as much as waking up with you in my arms every day.” Ashton nodded, leaning forward to leave a kiss on the corner of Calum’s lips. It made Calum shiver. “Although, I must say, this is even _cheesier_ than my gift.” He added with a giggle, his eyes filled with mirth when Calum opened his.

“And what if it is?” He joked, playing along.

“Nothing. Just fits us. Right?”

“Yup.”

* * *

“What are you making?” Ashton asked, hooking his chin over Calum’s shoulder.

“Nothing much.” Calum shrugged, turning his head around for a quick kiss before he turned his attention back to the stove, stirring the mix on the pot.

Ashton had just put on Calum’s dad’s old Frank Sinatra Christmas record, and the soft sounds of _I’ll be home for Christmas_ reaching the kitchen were making Calum feel even more rueful over missing Christmas in this place. Next year he was going to convince Ashton of having Christmas dinner here. He didn’t care how or where they would have their families stay. He’d pay for a goddam hotel. Just to get Christmas in his home, with Ashton.

“Smells great.” Ashton noted, leaving a kiss on Calum’s neck that made him think Ashton was maybe thinking the same.

“If you give me two minutes, you’ll _taste_ it.” Calum laughed, patting Ashton’s hands on his stomach, the older letting go and hopping into the counter as Calum busied himself turning the stove off and serving the mix into two mugs.

“What’s that?”

“Pumpkin spiced latte.” Calum grinned as he left the pot on the sink, filling it with water.

“I didn’t take you for a pumpkin spice latte guy.” Ashton joked from behind him.

“You’ve ordered them before at Starbucks, I wanted to try making it for you.”

“If you continue making all this stuff at home for me the ones outside won’t ever match up.”

“Would that be so bad?” Calum inquired, turning to look at Ashton, who was observing him from his perched up position with an amused smile pulling at his lips.

The older shook his head in answer before adding, “It’s just… you’re spoiling me rotten.”

“Oh, _am_ I?” Calum wiggled his eyebrows, walking until he was standing in between Ashton’s legs, hands clutching his thighs, pressing himself close and smirking at Ashton. The older broke out laughing, but he was also blushing, so Calum checked that box of still being able to make him blush so easily even after a year. It was an awesome feeling.

“You know what I meant.” Ashton complained. His eyes were fixed on Calum’s, his breath coming a little harder than before. It just fuelled Calum even more.

“I can spoil you rotten, for real.” He casually dropped, wanting to see Ashton’s reaction.

It had been a couple of weeks since the last time they switched. Calum was a sucker for an order, and yeah, having Ashton calling the shots _did it_ for him. But… he kind of missed this game too. Missed having Ashton panting underneath him as he kept his wrists pinned down, giving him everything, making him feel _good_.

Ashton was blushing a tenfold, but he also hadn’t said no to it. Calum leant forward slowly, giving Ashton every chance to break out laughing and refuse what Calum was proposing. When he didn’t, Calum nuzzled his nose before lightly brushing his lips with Ashton’s, taking in the way Ashton’s breath hitched and smirking at it. A year on and still it surprised Calum how much a sound like that could turn him on. He left a soft kiss on the corner of Ashton’s mouth and then stepped back, content when the older seemed to follow him for another kiss.

Spoiling Ashton rotten wasn’t just about sex, though, so with a smile he turned back to the fridge and searched it for the whipped cream. Those lattes wouldn’t drink themselves on their own.

“You want cream?” He asked innocently, turning back to Ashton.

The older was flushed to his ears, his hands clutching the edge of the counter as he nodded quickly, clearly not trusting himself to speak. Step one completed. The innuendo was just making everything better, and the black-haired boy had to fight hard not to start giggling right then and there. He could hear the turntable on the background, the white noise filling in the silence after it having played the record entirely.

“Cinnamon?” Calum asked next as he stepped around Ashton to get to their spices, picking up the nutmeg, ginger and cinnamon he already had used in the mix.

“Do you really have to ask?” Ashton choked.

Calum did giggle that time, leaning for a kiss that Ashton eagerly returned before he finished assembling the beverages.

“Here you go, baby.” Calum grinned, handing Ashton his favourite mug with almost too much whipped cream topping it and lots of cinnamon sprinkled over it.

“Thank you.” Ashton laughed, shaking his head before he tried taking a sip, very obviously burning his tongue as he scrunched up his face. “How can that still be scalding hot?” He complained.

Calum stared at him for a full minute before he burst into giggles, raising his hand to wipe away the cream moustache that had stayed on Ashton’s upper lip before answering.

“Shall we sit down on the couch for a bit? We can watch a film or something.” He suggested.

“A movie? I thought…?” Ashton trailed off, squinting at him.

“A movie for now.” Calum giggled, closing the distance between them and giving a playful bite to Ashton’s neck, where he knew the older was extra sensitive. “We’ll see what else later.” He winked at Ashton, leaving the kitchen with his mug, going towards the turntable and switching it off, closing the lid and going straight for his side of the couch.

He didn’t have to turn around to know Ashton had stayed frozen on the kitchen counter, probably as red as a tomato. A few seconds later he heard the older hopping off of it, his steps muffled on the carpet as he shuffled towards the couch, leaving his mug on the coffee table as he plopped himself down next to Calum.

“You’re a tease.” He huffed, taking a picture of his mug with his phone before he grabbed the blue tartan blanket that was over the arm of the couch and threw it over both of their laps.

Calum just laughed, grabbing the remote and turning on the tv, making Ashton open his arm so he could cuddle into his chest. The last rays of sun where coming through the window and it just felt like a nice, normal afternoon. The sort of perfect Calum would have asked for their anniversary. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking it in, Ashton’s heartbeat, his breathing, the warmth of the sun filtering through the window and Ashton’s lips dropping a kiss on his hair. The soft blanket over both of them, the smell of the coffee and spices, plus vanilla candles Ashton had lit up while he had been busy at the kitchen.

“I love this day.” He mumbled, taking a deep breath before opening his eyes again, intent on finding a good film to watch from what Netflix had to offer.

He was halfway through scrolling down the new releases page when he heard Ashton answer him with a soft, “I love this day too.”

* * *

“What was that?” Calum asked, giggling as he kept his hold firm on Ashton’s wrists.

The older was red-faced, his pupils dilated and his breath coming out in quick pants as Calum kept stroking him leisurely over his underwear, not giving him too much but not stopping either.

“ _Please_.” Ashton whined between his teeth, his eyes pleading with Calum.

“I still don’t know what you want, Ash.” Calum giggled again, enjoying the feeling of power for once. It was just too fun. Although he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep it up for too long. His plan today was spoiling Ashton, not teasing him until he couldn’t take it anymore. They had done that a couple of times before, and even though Calum thoroughly enjoyed Ashton at his most desperate, arching up and moaning, eyes closed and pleasure etched everywhere on his face, he wasn’t capable of not give in to his boyfriend’s pleads. Ashton was best at that game, and _oh boy_ if Calum hadn’t taken advantage of that. Multiple times.

He waited for a few more seconds for Ashton to answer him, swiping his thumb tantalisingly slow over the head of his cock as he stared at his eyes, Ashton closing them as he let out a strangled moan.

“You’re mean today.” The older forced out, his eyes finding Calum’s again. “You told me–,” Ashton’s words were cut by another moan, courtesy of Calum pressing his index finger in between his cheeks, just teasing. He kept at it for a moment before he finally gave in, leaning forward and kissing Ashton sweetly –and honestly way more innocently than the situation would probably call for–, pulling away and looking into Ashton’s eyes as his right hand stopped for a moment, gripping Ashton’s hip instead, thumb tracing circles on his bare skin while his left kept holding the older’s wrists down.

“What do you want?” He asked, the teasing lilt gone off of his voice as he smiled down at Ashton.

He was just now noticing the strain on his thighs for having been straddling Ashton’s lap for so long. But it was an advantageous position. Ashton looked _good_ from here, hair splayed over the backrest were his head was thrown back. His eyes shining as he stared up at him, his mouth panting as he tried to control his breathing.

Calum leaned forward slowly, letting his nose brush against Ashton’s cheek as he closed the distance to his ear, his lips leaving a kiss just under before he whispered, “Can I choose?”

“Yeah.” Came Ashton’s terribly fast answer, his hips jumping up into Calum’s as if he was trying to get him to go back to stroking him, which Calum did, gladly, swallowing Ashton’s moans when he picked up the pace just before he turned it down again. He got up, pecking Ashton before stepping away.

“What…”

Calum chuckled, sliding the curtains close before coming back and straddling Ashton again with a smirk. “Had to at least close the curtains if we’re going to stay out here.”

Ashton’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline, clearly surprised. “What do you have in mind, exactly?” He asked cautiously.

“Oh, you’ll see.” Calum giggled, grinding a bit over Ashton’s briefs. “But first we need to get you out of these.” He smirked, sliding his thumb back inside them.

“Do I have to do that or will you?” Ashton smirked at him. It was abundantly clear that Calum had to step it up if the older was capable of speaking in complete sentences again. He chose to start by leaving a kiss on Ashton’s neck, light at first before he started sucking more harshly, feeling the corner of his lips turning up when Ashton’s now free hands shot up to grab at his hair, pulling. Calum didn’t stay there long, though, kissing his way down Ashton’s chest, intentionally not stopping at his nipples and continuing until his teeth reached the waistband of the boxers. He stopped, looked up and found Ashton’s cheeks flushed again, his chest going up and down like he was already anticipating being out of breath, spurring Calum on.

One time he had tried getting Ashton’s underwear off with his teeth. The short story was that it hadn’t worked, the long one… well. It had turned pretty awkward and Ashton’s boner had gone down by the time Calum had been able to slide it all the way off. Ashton had just laughed at his stubbornness, but it had been also a huge mood killer, Calum insisting he could do it for at least twenty minutes. So this time he just hooked his thumbs inside the boxers and slid them down, swallowing Ashton’s cock the moment it was out.

He felt Ashton’s clutch on his head tighten, and that only gave a stronger motivation to Calum. But he kept his pace steady, slow, as he bobbed his head up and down. The best thing about it all was Ashton holding his gaze from up high, pupils taking up almost his entire irises as lust clouded his expression. Calum would never get tired of this, of being the cause of Ashton feeling this good. But his goal wasn’t exactly a blowjob, so he came back up for air, his hands finding Ashton’s hips and sliding him harshly to the edge of the couch. He could see the exact moment Ashton realised why, his teeth clamped down over his lower lip as he whined low in his throat, making Calum even more excited about this.

So Calum grabbed Ashton’s legs, throwing them over his shoulders and then sliding his hands slowly, almost teasingly until they were cupping both of Ashton’s cheeks, smirking as he turned his head to press a kiss to Ashton’s thigh, sucking hard as he tried to keep eye contact with him. It wouldn’t take much for Ashton to throw his head back on the sofa, eyes rolling up his skull, but until then Calum knew his eyes on the older were doing much of the heavy lifting on having Ashton so wound up. And he kept his gaze on him as he let off of the abused skin, breathing close to Ashton’s hole before he licked a hot stripe up over it, resisting the urge to smirk again when Ashton whimpered brokenly at it, a shaky breath leaving his mouth just seconds after as Calum went back in.

It always mesmerised him, the way Ashton let go of any inhibitions and just took and demanded everything of him when he was like this. The hand on Calum’s hair pulled him closer trying to get Calum’s tongue deeper and deeper, letting out the most delicious moans Calum had ever heard from him. Perhaps the reason why the younger had become such an addict to eating him out. Ashton just seemed to love it. And Calum loved making him feel so good that the older forgot how to talk, his pupils so dilated there wasn’t even any green left on them. The way he just let go, his voice cracking and getting louder by the minute, his thighs twitching around Calum’s shoulders, shivers wrecking up his body. It made Calum feel so fucking hot he could probably come if he just had something to rut against. He had come just like that more than a couple of times, but today… Today he just wanted to fuck Ashton.

Calum had learnt to pinpoint the exact moment the older was about to blow because he usually just went radio silent, holding his breath. At first it had started out as quite involuntary, Ashton scaring him half to death one time when he had noticed the older suddenly stop breathing when he was riding him. Calum had legitimately thought the older was having some kind of asthma attack or something until Ashton very out of breath but obviously _fine_ asked him why had he stopped moving. After the incident repeated several times, they had realised Ashton just liked a bit of breath play when he was about to come. So when the moans started coming few and far in between, Calum stopped, moving his attention to the love bite he had left on Ashton’s thigh before stroking his calf lightly, gently taking down Ashton’s legs from around his shoulders.

“Have to go get stuff.” He winked at Ashton as he scurried up, dashing to their bedroom and grabbing the conveniently-placed bottle of lube from their nightstand. Calum undressed quickly, not wanting to take the time to after and he didn’t even stop to collect a condom, knowing Ashton liked it raw. The feeling of Calum entering him bare excited him to no end and Calum wasn’t anyone to deny him that pleasure. After all, just the sight of his come coming out of Ashton’s hole once he pulled out would probably be enough to make Calum cum again.

When he came back Ashton was leisurely stroking himself, his eyes closed as his chest heaved up and down. Calum almost collided against him in his haste to reach the couch, hitting the corner of the coffee table and letting out a small hiss.

“Watch your step.” Ashton snorted, opening his eyes and smiling fondly at him.

“Shut up.” Calum gently shoved him away, replacing his hand on his dick and giving it a few quick tugs. Then he stopped, patting his lap. “Climb in.”

“Yeah?”

“Um-hum.”

If Ashton hadn’t sat directly on his cock and ground himself down making Calum moan, he probably would have laughed at the haste with which he did it. He did mutter an _“Eager, are we?”_ to which Ashton’s only response was kissing him and grinding harder, Calum’s dick sliding in between his cheeks.

It didn’t take much for the older to demand he started opening him up, kissing Calum’s neck and leaving random lovebites on it as he whined into his ear. The position was a bit more cramped than what he was used to, but in no time he had three fingers pumping in and out of Ashton, the older hiding his face in his neck unable to produce any coherent sound apart from a few whines and moans he was smearing on Calum’s shoulder. The way his nails were scratching down Calum’s arms were making the younger impossibly wound up, hurrying him along. If he didn’t get inside Ashton soon, he’d probably die.

“Ready.” Ashton sighed near his ear, giving a half-assed attempt at a bite in Calum’s lobe. Calum fingered him for a bit longer, though, not wanting to risk it. It didn’t take much time for Ashton to give him a real bite, having grown impatient. “I said I was _ready_. For the love of god, get in me _now_.”

“Alright, alright.” Calum giggled, taking out his fingers and extending them towards the bottle of lube he had discarded earlier on the couch. Ashton beat him to it, though, quickly squirting a good amount of the stuff on his hand, smirking evilly as he started coating Calum’s cock. Calum had gone so long without a proper touch since they started that he couldn’t help the way his hips pushed up towards Ashton’s hand, desperate to get more. Ashton only stroked him a couple of times, just enough to get him coated before he got on his knees until he could position himself just right to get Calum inside.

The low moan that escaped Ashton’s mouth as Calum bottomed out was the stuff of Calum’s best fantasies, but there was something else about this that was making his heart beat erratically on his chest. It were the older’s eyes fixed on his, love shining through as he let his forehead fall against Calum’s. His breath was hitting up Calum’s cheeks, warm. Ashton’s whole body was trembling, though. So Calum caressed his way up from his lower back to his chest to his face, hands cupping Ashton’s jaw as he leant forward for a kiss, slowing everything down.

He almost felt himself tearing up again, like he had been doing all morning, and he just smiled through the kiss, trying to make the tears go away. Ashton was tight and hot around him, and as emotional as Calum felt right then and there, the way the older was clenching down on him made him just want to start fucking up to him until Ashton was a mess of whines and moans.

He started slow, though, just a slight shift of his hips upwards as Ashton let his whole weight fall against him, punched out breaths coming out every time Calum moved. It was the hottest thing, Ashton like this. Staring at Calum’s through half-lidded eyes, his hands clenched tight over Calum’s shoulders. When Calum dived in to leave a kiss on his throat, Ashton retaliated by starting to move in tandem with him, accompanying his movements and making Calum see stars. It was enough for him to pick up his pace, thrusting up into Ashton’s hole trying to make him feel as good as he could, the moans guiding him up. Ashton grunted in his ear, responding eagerly to the change of pace, already working up a sweat.

Calum wouldn’t last very long if they kept like that, though, so after a couple more minutes he slid his hands back down, gripping Ashton’s hips and slowing him down again, turning everything from fast and rough to tender. Quite an addicting mix Calum had experienced himself many times before, Ashton having mastered it long ago. Ashton was best at keeping Calum on edge.

Feeling said man melting against him after the change of pace, moaning brokenly and asking for a kiss almost made Calum’s heart jump out of his chest. He couldn’t believe he still got to make Ashton feel that way, just as good as the older made _him_ feel. Couldn’t stop hoping for a future that involved having that every day. Not just the sex. But the smiles, and the giggles and teasing. The jokes. Even the bad days. The days when either of them just needed to shut the whole world out and stay in bed under the blankets. The days with hard conversations, with the tears and the past dragging them down. Calum wanted everything with Ashton. It was almost unbelievable that he could get all those things with the man he was so in love with. He was lucky. Really lucky.

Just then he felt Ashton’s thumb wiping a tear off of his cheek that he hadn’t even felt falling down.

“Love you so much.” The older whispered into his lips, his breath mingling with Calum’s as they kept rocking slowly against each other.

Despite Calum’s best efforts, he still ended up back on the brink of cumming way too fast. Probably a combination of Ashton’s panting and moans, or his eyes that hadn’t left Calum’s since he whispered _love you_ , or the way he was squeezing down on him with every movement of his hips.

And when the older told him to let go, Calum just couldn’t keep it in. He sneaked a hand between their bodies to stroke Ashton’s cock and picked up the pace again, rabbiting against Ashton as the older kissed him, both of them moaning into each other’s mouths. In the end Calum came first, Ashton following him not long after and creaming Calum’s hand, almost as if the feeling of Calum coming in him had made him rush to his climax.

It took a few moments for them to collect their thoughts, Ashton’s mouth distracting him as he left butterfly kisses on his lips, his cheeks, his neck, everywhere he could. It made Calum feel like he was in heaven, post-orgasm haze strengthened by soaking up Ashton’s love and tenderness. The older turned even mushier than normal right after coming even though he would never straight up admit it. But he always held Calum closer, caressed him everywhere he reached, mixed deep kisses with short pecks and whispered sweet nothings. Ashton wouldn’t admit it, but Calum gladly admitted that that was always his favourite part, the quiet moments right after the sex.

“Love you like this.” He whispered against Ashton’s lips once he had regained his breathing and Ashton stopped for a moment.

“Full up on your come?” Ashton joked, breaking the moment. “Sorry.”

Calum playfully smacked his arm, rolling his eyes and letting out an exaggerated sigh. “I meant the loving kisses and the ‘ _I love you’s_ and stuff. I love that.” He confided quietly.

“Then I’ll keep doing that.” Ashton smiled, his hand caressing up and down the younger’s chest.

Calum stopped it right over his heart, raising it for a second to leave a kiss on Ashton’s knuckles before resting both their hands together again on his chest.

“I don’t think you’ll have a choice.”

“Oh, I won’t?” The older asked arching an eyebrow at him, laughter tugging at his lips.

Calum just pressed their hands tighter together. “Nope.” Calum shook his head. “You own this heart–” He said pointing to where their joined hands were. “–so you have to take care of it forever.”

He seemed to catch Ashton off guard with that, the older blushing and his breath hitching. And then he said, voice thick with emotion, “I’ll do my best.”

* * *

“I don’t see her.” Ashton said over the phone, his voice almost dwarfed by the station’s bustle. “Maybe the train’s delayed.”

“Could be.” Calum frowned, picking up his bag from his locker -a new addition Michael had convinced their boss to add to the break room- and slinging it over his shoulder. Thank god his shift was already over. He was _beat_. “Should I start walking over there? We could hit up Devonshire instead.”

“Nah. We’ll take the car there, no worries.” Ashton told him, and even though he had answered coherently, Calum could tell he was watching out for Mali on the busy station and not really listening intently.

With trains coming from King’s Cross and the north at the same time, Calum knew it had to be a nightmare of people walking by desperate to get home. And it was Thursday, which made it even worse, with the university crowd that was sure to be heading to London for a night out.

“Text me when you find her.” He chuckled, biting his lip as he waited for Ashton to answer, the older taking just a couple beats longer than usual.

“Will do, babe.”

And then he hung up, leaving Calum to smile fondly at his phone as he prayed that Mali didn’t conduct her usual interrogation to Ashton about how Calum was coping with not having found a job on his field yet. Really, she worried too much. Calum had done everything in his power, interviewed with the offers that came his way that seemed interesting enough, but… Corporate research wasn’t his thing. And he was still waiting on a couple of answers from university research groups. One was up North, in Birmingham, which didn’t excite him much, and another one was for the Astronomy Institute of the University of Prague, on black holes. That was that intrigued him more. Well, that, or any position at Cavendish. But there weren’t any openings at the moment. Only the PhD vacancies for the next year, and Calum wasn’t exactly sure he could continue studying without having anything to fall back on. Yeah, Ashton and he shared expenses at the moment, but Ashton was able to save money each month. Right then, Calum was only able to scrap by with his Topman pay. And he was sure he wouldn’t qualify for a studentship anymore. So that was that.

But really, Mali worrying over it was too much. Calum understood where she was coming from, but it wasn’t like he was unemployed. He still had time to figure something out. Yeah. He did.

“You look miserable.” Michael snorted as he plunged himself down on the stool next to Calum, looking up at him with a slight frown.

The Christmas carols coming out of the speaker only served to turn Calum’s mood slightly more down. He was still ruminating over the fact that he would leave in just a couple of days and leave Ashton here on the weeks leading up to Christmas. Worst idea ever. He didn’t know how he hadn’t thought of that before. First Christmas of them sharing a home and they wouldn’t be in such home.

“‘M not miserable.” He lied to Michael. And then when he saw Michael had noticed the lie the second he pronounced it, Calum tried to deflect the topic, “Just… Mali’s here and I fear her talking to Ashton.”

“Why?”

“’Cause she’s been a pain in the ass the last couple of months because of the no job in sight thing.”

“Hm.” Michael hummed, leaning against the wall and studying him. Calum arched his eyebrows but Michael didn’t further any thought. “Are you guys coming up to Cambridge before Saturday?”

“Ashton suggested a night out tomorrow, but I don’t know. We’ll be preparing for the trip.” Calum shrugged. “You’re welcome to come for dinner after work with Grace if you guys want. We’re going to be at The Eagle tonight.”

“I’ll ask her if she’s free.” Michael grinned, taking out his phone right then and there and punching letters like he was in a hurry to get her to answer. Their relationship was quite cute to watch now that Calum didn’t have to listen to them fucking every other night.

His eyes travelled the room, taking in the sparse Christmas spirit in here when the whole shop was covered from floor to bottom with snowflakes and jingle bells and garlands of every sort. It was actually kind of depressing, with the flickering light and that awful humidity stain on the right wall. Calum took a seat next to Michael, copying his posture and sighing.

“You think I should have said yes to that company?” Calum mused after a beat of silence, the words spilling out his mouth without a filter. “The one that focused on satellites.” He clarified, waiting for the older to turn to him. The question had been popping around in his brain for some time now. If he should have said yes just to at least get some work experience in his field, even if it wasn’t in the world of academia.

“It wasn’t what you wanted, so… No. I think you did the right thing there.” Michael offered, locking his phone and pocketing it, frowning at him. “Why? You having seconds thoughts?”

Calum shrugged again. “Just thinking.”

“You’ll burn your brain.”

“Shut up, at least I use it.”

Michael snorted at that, shaking his head good-good naturedly at him. He sobered up quickly enough, his face serious again as he patted Calum’s thigh. “But seriously, Cal. Don’t overthink it. It wasn’t the right fit for you.”

“I know.” He nodded. Then he felt his phone buzz on his pocket. He knew it was probably Ashton saying he was on the way with Mali, but he still fished it out to check. It was Mali’s, though, not Ashton’s text. She said they were on their way already and that if they found a space to park, they could be at the pub in about ten minutes. Calum should probably start to walk there already if he wanted to meet them on time.

“Ashton?”

“Mali. I should get going.” He sighed, pocketing the phone again and getting up, stopping just to turn to Michael and say, “Thanks. For that.”

Michael snorted and as he got up too, shaking his head. “That was nothing. I’ll text you when Grace lets me know if we can make it.”

“Okay, I’ll try to take one of the good tables so we can all fit.”

Michael snorted again. Getting one of the good tables at the Eagle was almost impossible, and Calum and Michael had only been able to get it once before, and that was because it had been a horrible day, everything snowed in and people stuck at homes. Calum didn’t think today they would be as lucky. Not on a Thursday, not when the lights had been turned on just last week. It would probably be full.

“Say hi to Mali for me.” Michael smiled. “In case I don’t make it there.”

“Shut up, there’s only two hours left, only one with customers. No one’s coming at this time of the afternoon, you know that. That’s why my contract is only until 5pm.”

“Touché. But I hate counting money and locking up. I’m the only one here.” Michael pouted.

“Come for a beer at 7.” Calum said again as he walked out of the door. “I’m saving you a seat, and I expect you there. Mali probably will too.”

* * *

“Okay, I’m excited to see this place in person after so many months of watching you from a computer screen.” Mali said as she stepped out of the car, passing Calum her hand luggage and stepping around to take her big suitcase out of the car. Calum had almost made the mistake of making fun of her until he noticed one of them was for New Zealand and the other one was for clothes for the next couple of days at Cambridge before their trip. Having had to fish out his own ‘summer’ clothes again from the attic had been a pain in the ass. Calum hoped the summer of New Zealand was worth it, although looking at the mean temperatures it showed it would be more or less like the summers he had spent back at Scotland. He was kind of excited about the beaches, though.

Calum led the way to the house, the little suitcase racketing behind him as Mali and Ashton chatted quietly. He couldn’t tell what they were saying over the noise of the suitcase’s wheels.

Michael had joined them after all at the pub, the four of them having supper together and making a good time out of it. So much so that Calum had almost glossed over the fact that Michael had come sans Grace. She showed up for a nightcap, straight from work it seemed, but something about it wasn’t exactly right and Calum couldn’t put his finger on what because the couple seemed as happy as ever, if not more so, cuddling and smiling dumbly at each other when the conversation lulled. Since Monday when Michael came to their flat Calum had been getting a weird vibe off of him. The blonde hadn’t said anything else, but he had randomly appeared again at Calum’s doorstep Wednesday after work, weird mood on. Something was definitely going on.

He shook his head, affirming to himself that if Michael needed help with anything he’d come clean eventually and took the last steps towards their front door. Calum smiled as he reached it, the Christmas wreath Ashton had insisted on buying last week at Home Bargains making him smile. Calum’s argument against spending any more money on Christmas decorations had been that their front door being red kind of already fit the spirit, but the way Ashton had held the wreath in front of him with a huge pout had made him give in way too easily. He quickly fished the keys out of his pocket, unlocking and holding the door open just in time for Mali to reach him.

“Oh wow, the tree’s lovely.” She gasped stepping around him and walking up to the smaller one they had placed on the entrance. Ashton had given in after Calum pouted for a solid hour, saying the bigger one should be upstairs where they could see it more.

Calum and Ashton had spent an entire day decorating their whole place even though they weren’t going to be technically speaking spending the holidays there. They could still enjoy the place the weeks leading up to it.

“You can leave that suitcase down here if you want, if you don’t need anything from inside.”

“Got my stuff on my handbag.” Mali said holding it up.

“Then lead the way upstairs.” Ashton piped in, hooking his chin over Calum’s shoulder as he gave a squeeze on his hips. “I hope she likes the place.” He whispered in Calum’s ear.

Calum placed a hand over Ashton’s squeezing and turning his head to leave a kiss on his cheek, pulling away and starting to follow Mali upstairs.

Now that all the decorations were out the place looked a bit cramped, but Calum kind of liked it that way. And he didn’t have a doubt about if Mali would like it, not when he saw the way her face lit up as she saw the picture frames hang on the wall along the staircase.

“Oh wow, you really put some cute pictures up here.” She smiled excitedly at him as she finally arrived up. “Cosy place you two have.” She turned to them, grinning from ear to ear.

“You like it?”

Calum heard Ashton ask as he reached the landing too.

“It feels lived in and loved. The atmosphere here is amazing.” She sighed.

Calum had to agree with her. There was something about this place that just was… peaceful. This was home for him now, but even before it had been, when it had only been Ashton’s place, it had already drawn him in. This place felt like a warm hug after a rainy, cold afternoon. It felt like sitting in front of a fire after a snowball fight, watching the flames move as his family talked quietly on the background. It brought back a feeling like Calum’s childhood memories, and that was just… The best thing he could ask for.

“So, I’m beaten after the train ride.” She broke the silence off, glancing between Calum and Ashton as she left her suitcase on the ground. “Would you guys mind if I just went to sleep? I don’t think I can keep my eyes open for long.” She half joked, grimacing.

“Of course, yeah.” Ashton smiled. “Wait. Do you want the bed? We weren’t sure if…” He trailed off, clearly not knowing how to say that Calum had already told him to make the bed for her on the couch.

“I’m fine with the couch.” She smiled, and then her eyes flickered to Calum, followed by Ashton’s. Calum just shrugged, fighting very hard not to blurt out an _‘I told you so’_.

“Tea?” Calum asked her instead, already walking towards the kitchen.

“Thanks.” He heard her say. “I’m going to go get ready for bed meanwhile.”

“And I’m going to go fish out the duvet and pillow.” Ashton cut in, stopping Calum for a kiss on his cheek before hurrying along to the bedroom.

Calum busied himself taking out mugs and their decaf Tetley, putting on the kettle and waiting. To be honest, he was kind of beaten too. Work hours and attending people were usually fine, but today had been tiring.

People were already freaking out about Christmas gifts, which meant an increase of crowd hanging around the shop. Last year that nightmare had started once Calum already was off on holiday, but this year the whole Christmas campaign had started like two weeks earlier, which meant the nightmare was moved up as well. And there were a lot of people asking for things that were out of stock and the trip back and forth between the backroom and the shop just ended up being tiring.

There was also the fact that since Ashton was driving, Calum had ordered himself wine at the pub and it had been a while since the last time he drank, so he was a bit more wobbly on his feet, a bit more tired.

When Ashton came back out with the duvet and sheets, the kettle had already turned off and Calum was busy pouring the hot water into the mugs, staring straight into the vapor rising out of them almost like in a trance.

“Cal?”

He shook himself out of it turning to look at a concerned Ashton with an arched eyebrow.

“Just tired.” He shrugged. “And maybe a bit tipsy.” He confessed, smiling bashfully.

“You got tipsy from _wine_?” Ashton said, stifling a laugh. “You sure you’re okay?”

Calum nodded, smiling, and then he offered Ashton to help make the bed on the couch. Two people better than one to fit the sheets right. They finished quickly enough, Ashton rounding up the couch to get to him, taking his right hand and squeezing as he fixed his eyes on his.

“You think she liked the place? For real?” Ashton asked quietly. “You moved here without even your parents having seen it. And it is kinda small…”

Calum covered his hand softly, leaning forward to nuzzle Ashton’s neck before chuckling. “It is small but, do we really need more right now?” Ashton bit his lip, as though he wasn’t convinced, so Calum went on. “It’s our place, Ash. I love it here. That love Mali said she felt from this place? That’s _us_. We made this place a home.”

Ashton nodded, the corner of his lips turning up slightly before he closed the distance between them for a short kiss.

“I just worry, you know.” Ashton whispered when they pulled away. “You’re their youngest, I think your mum frowned on me when you told her you were moving in.”

“She did _not._ “ Calum laughed, leaning again for his lips.

He actually walked Ashton backwards until his bum bumped into the bookshelf, pressing him hard against it as he deepened the kiss a bit. It didn’t last long, though, because Mali chose that very moment to come out of the bathroom and clear her throat, making Calum reluctantly end the kiss, hiding his face on Ashton’s shoulder before the older got up, turned to face Mali. He was as red as a tomato, which made Calum feel warmth spreading through his chest. It never got old, the way Ashton turned bashful whenever someone walked in on them doing something as innocent as kissing.

“Oh shit. I just realised.” Mali said, her eyes widening, falling from them both to the sofa as a grimace took hold of her features. “You guys have totally fucked in this couch, haven’t you?”

“Mali!” Calum let out a shriek, feeling his cheeks heat up as he hid himself behind Ashton’s back, his turn to turn bashful.

He felt more than he heard Ashton clearing his throat before stammering out, “You can take the bed, I told Calum I was happy to sleep out here.”

“Nah, I prefer the couch.” She broke out laughing, shaking her head. “I was just messing with you guys.”

Calum would have sent her a look if he hadn’t been too busy staring at Ashton’s tee, his forehead still pressed tight in between his shoulder blades. He could feel Ashton’s nervous laugh through it, and he pressed a little tighter, his hands, sliding down from where they were bunched up in the fabric and coming around the older’s stomach for a hug. Ashton patted his arm fondly, pulling on his forearm until he got him to come out of hiding, turning around in his arms.

“Bring out the tea, yeah? Sooner we go to bed sooner we can cuddle.” He whispered, making Calum beam up at him.

“Okay.”

As soon as the tea was at a drinkable temperature, they all chugged it. Calum had clearly underestimated how tired all three of them were if he had thought they had time for tea and cookies, and now the plate remained full in their coffee table. Whatever, he had plenty of time to eat them before he went away, and he was planning on baking some more for the time Ashton would stay alone.

In less than twenty minutes since they all sat down, they were already saying their good nights and turning in, Mali bunching up the duvet around her and smiling fondly at Calum when she saw the way Ashton lead him away tugging on his hand. He even lead him straight to bed, helping him change into his pyjamas and tucking him in before he stepped out to take out his contacts. By the time Ashton came back, Calum was already fighting sleep, his eyelids impossible to keep open for a long amount of time, yet he still tried to awaken himself as he felt the older cuddling in, trying to fit one of his legs in between Calum’s. It made him smile.

“So Mali’s here.” Ashton whispered, his breath tickling Calum and tearing a giggle out of him.

“Yeah.” He whispered back, opening his eyes to stare at Ashton’s in the low light.

“Two days to go.”

“I know.” Calum pouted.

Ashton tightened his hold on him, pressing their chests together and nuzzling him, leaning forward for a kiss. It didn’t last very long, because the older pulled away, letting out a short chuckle as his eyes shone with mirth.

“You know, we miscalculated one thing.” Ashton started, and by the smirk on his face Calum could guess what he was about to blurt out. “With her here I can’t send you off properly.”

“Shut up.” Calum giggled again, pulling Ashton forward for a peck. “It’s not like we will die. It’s only 15 days.”

“You forget after New Zealand we’re staying at my mum’s. With Lauren and Harry on the next room. And then at your parents for Christmas and then I come back down here for work.” Ashton stared at him intently and then Calum widened his eyes.

“Shit.” He hadn’t thought of that. “We’ll figure it out. If I have to pay a hotel room one day so you can fuck me in another continent I will.” Calum said determinedly, and it was time for Ashton to giggle, red colouring his cheeks. “Or more than one day.” He added, making Ashton giggle harder.

“You’re ridiculous.” Ashton muttered underneath his breath before closing the distance between them and claiming Calum’s lips in another kiss. “Goodnight, babe.” He mumbled against his mouth as he pulled back, a sleepy smile overtaking his features.

“Night, night.” Calum mumbled right back, a yawn escaping his mouth before he snuggled in, settling his head on Ashton’s shoulder. “Love you.”

* * *

His last two days before the trip passed by scaringly quick. Or maybe that was just Calum’s anticipation making it feel that way. It had been a rush of quick trips to Morrisons or Home Bargains to buy stuff at the last minute, Luke dropping by to say goodbye and wish them a good trip on Friday because he would be working through Saturday missing the lunch Calum had organised. Said lunch had gone great, but it had meant _hours_ of cooking. In hindsight, it seemed like maybe organising a big lunch right before the trip had done nothing but increase the anxiety Calum had been feeling for a week about taking a plane so far. But oh well.

And now there they were, at the airport, Ashton talking with Mali a few steps ahead and carrying Calum’s hand luggage as they neared the Security line, and Calum was falling behind, each step a little bit harder to take. Since it was a night flight, there weren’t many people walking around the terminal, but there were still enough to make Calum look around, his heart pounding in his chest the closer they got to Security. And then he stopped, his eyes falling to the floor. It just seemed like he couldn’t take another step, and he didn’t know why. He just knew everything in him was willing him to stay here, because going away… Going away meant being far from everyone he loved. And –.

“Cal?” He heard Ashton in the distance, he sounded curious, but Calum could tell when it turned to worried because he heard the older man’s steps coming closer in a hurry, slowing down as he got near. “Calum.” He repeated, his voice gentle as he stopped in front of him and Calum felt him taking his hands in his. He looked up from them to Ashton’s face, not surprised at all at the amount of concern shining behind Ashton’s eyes. And that made the pounding in his rib cage much worse. “Hey.” Ashton said softly, one of his hands coming up to stroke one of Calum’s curls away, staying on Calum’s cheek as he kept his gaze fixed on the younger’s eyes. “Just a new adventure, yeah?” He whispered, his lips twitching up for just a second.

It seem to bring Calum out of whatever trance he had been in, glancing down for a moment before nodding, repeating quietly, “Just a new adventure.”

“You’ll have Mali with you.” Ashton smiled, squeezing his hands. “Come on, you said you missed hanging out with her.”

“I know, I know.” Calum laughed, nodding again. But somehow it felt a bit forced. So the smile washed away, and he bit his lip, eyes nervously darting around them before they fell back to their joined hands. “It’s just…” He started, taking a deep breath before letting out in a whisper, “… so far. It’s too far.” He felt tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, and he blinked them away. When he looked back up to Ashton, the older looked ten times more worried than before. Calum couldn’t take it, he blurted out the thing that had been hanging over his head most over the past few days. “It’s too far, and you’re staying _here_.”

He could see the way his words affected Ashton, the older freezing for a moment. But he was quick to hide it, stepping a bit closer and securing his hold on Calum’s jaw, whispering, “I’ll be in Sydney with you in just a couple of weeks.”

Calum nodded curtly, the tears back in his eyes making him blink repeatedly and divert his eyes. He knew it was a stupid thing, to be worrying about it so much. It was just as Ashton said. Just two weeks. And Calum had been wanting to go to New Zealand for as long as he could remember. Wanting to meet his other side of the family face to face, get to know them, for _years_. He just had never really processed what that entailed. And suddenly he felt insensitive towards Ashton, who had been living away from his own family for almost two years, alone in this foreign country. And he shook his head, trying to get rid of his thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Ash.” He muttered, not even daring to look at Ashton’s eyes.

But he felt Ashton squeezing his hand before letting go, his arms coming around Calum as he hooked his chin over the younger’s shoulder, holding him hard and close. Calum almost couldn’t breathe with the force Ashton was squeezing him, but he still snaked his arms around the older, squeezing back just as hard, a choked sob escaping past his lips.

They stayed like that for a few long seconds, Calum relishing in them and wondering what it would be like to be away from Ashton and his hugs for that long. Not once in their whole relationship had they been away for more than a few days. Maybe this would be good, in a way. Learning to be away from each other. Learning to deal with the separation anxiety.

He felt Ashton turning his head to leave a kiss on his neck, pulling away just enough to face him again as he smiled. “Come on, you need to go now if you want to have time to eat something after you pass the control and before you have to board.”

It made Calum laugh, the way Ashton just knew he was hungry already. “I love you, Ash.” He smiled back.

“I love you too.” The older answered with a twinkle in his eyes. “Can’t wait for you to tell me all about New Zealand and your family. It’s going to be great.”

Calum felt the corner of his lips turning down again, then lunged himself right back into Ashton’s arms to hide his face on his shoulder, squeezing tight. “I’ll miss you.”

“Me too.” Ashton mumbled next to his ear, and for the first time Calum could hear his voice trembling too, his arms squeezing Calum back with the same force as before.

“Nothing’s going to happen.” Calum whispered to himself before he even registered he had opened his own mouth to speak. And he didn’t know if it was supposed to be reassuring for Ashton or for himself. Maybe both. Most probably both.

That hug was shorter, leaving Calum wanting more as the older pulled back to look at him. He leaned for a sweet kiss, sighing into Calum’s mouth and sliding his hand down his arms to clutch at his hands. The kiss gave Calum a weird feeling, like it meant _more_ somehow. Calum gave into it with the same intensity, his heart throbbing in his chest. And then Ashton pulled away way too soon, a sad smile in his face.

“Come on, Mali-Koa’s waiting.” He said as he squeezed his hand.

Calum looked behind them where Mali was distractedly scrolling through her phone, sat on top of Calum’s hand luggage. Ashton tugged on his hand again and they both walked towards her, Mali getting up and giving Ashton a tight hug too, whispering something in his ear that Calum couldn’t quite catch before they separated. And then it was true goodbye.

Calum didn’t know why he was making such a big deal out of this. He just knew that this felt like a definitive moment. Like this was important somehow. And then he shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts.

“Hope you guys have a good flight to Dubai.” Ashton piped in, smiling to them both.

His hand hadn’t let go of Calum’s yet. Not even through Mali’s hug. Calum didn’t want him to let go until he absolutely had to.

“Thanks, Ash.” Mali said brightly.

Calum turned to the older, squeezing his hand to draw his attention back to him. “I’ll call you soon as we land.”

“Wouldn’t expect it any other way. Even if it will be like 3 in the morning for me.” Ashton chuckled fondly, leaning for a sweet kiss. “Love you.” He whispered as they broke it off.

“You too.” Calum answered, his heart throbbing in his chest.

“ _Go_.” Ashton murmured, squeezing his hand before letting it go, taking a step back. Then he looked away and said, “Take him, Mals.”

And then Mali was softly taking him by the arm, pulling away towards the Security line.

“Bye Ash, see you on Christmas.” She said, waving with her free hand.

“Bye.” Calum whispered, catching Ashton’s little wave and smile before he turned away, grabbing his hand luggage and following Mali.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! To whoever got here, thanks for reading!  
> This is the continuation of a story that started a year ago, one that's been in my heart for so long and now I finally get to start sharing! Just hope you guys enjoy this ride with me.  
> To those who know me (and I guess you do given this is a continuation of All the Hues 😅), you know I take a lot of time to update because I'm a slow writer. It's one of my worst traits, sorry 😔. I have this whole thing more than planned, all down to every detail of how long each scene is going to be and dialogues and stuff, but I only have fully written until chapter three right now. So... sorry. Also, that means I'll probably reach Christmas in the fic by March hahahha  
> I'll try my best to keep updates on a regular schedule (that I haven't calculated yet but I guess will be around 10 days in between each one).  
> I also understand each scene here could probably constitute a whole chapter, but I'm a stickler for numbers and 13 just does it for me.  
> And... I don't think I have anything else to say here 🤔.  
> Welcome to this ride and hope you enjoy this as much as I do! Please let me know your thoughts if you read up to here hahahah  
> Love you all 💙💙💙


	2. Alpha Centauri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How’s it going?” Michael piped in, traces of laughter still lighting up his tone.  
> “Normal.” Calum answered immediately, almost as immediately as Michael’s fixed him no bullshit stare. Which made him backtrack. “Okay. It’s been...weird at times. But also not weird, too.”  
> “Eloquent.” Michael snorted again, Calum reading his amused face even through the pixelation of the image.  
> “If I don’t think very hard about not knowing them it works.” He said, frowning. Because it was true. If he just let himself be, he enjoyed his time. His grandmother had a peculiar sense of humour and Gale was just the kind of fun uncle Calum had never had. Perhaps because his dad’s brother was like 20 years older than Gale. However, when he registered that these people although family were like virtually strangers to him... “When I suddenly remember then it turns...”  
> “Weird?” Michael offered.  
> “Yup.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alpha Centauri is the closest star and planetary system to our Solar System, standing at a 4.37 light-years distance from the Sun. It is composed by three stars, Alpha Centauri A, Alpha Centauri B and Alpha Centauri C or Proxima Centauri (for more info check Wikipedia).
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one!

“Hey.”

He heard Mali letting out a sigh, turning in her seat where Calum knew she had been trying to sleep. He could barely even see her head beneath the blanket she had bought at their stop at Dubai. The first trip had been cold as hell. He couldn’t see her head, but he knew she was awake. She confirmed it when she whispered _Hey_ back, sliding the blanket down.

She then smiled, stretching herself a bit and letting out a yawn, sitting up straight as she kept watching him. Calum bit his lip, glancing away for a moment.

He hadn’t meant to disturb her sleep. It was just… he couldn’t get to sleep himself, too keyed up after their stop at Auckland, the 24 or so hours already behind them making him feel a little insane. He just wanted to be back down on firm ground. Ashton would probably laugh if he could watch him right now. The boy who had once wanted to be an astronaut, sick of being on a plane now.

“Cal?” Mali said, prodding his leg.

“Oh, sorry.” He grimaced. “I spaced out.”

“I saw.” She snorted. “Did you get any sleep at all?”

“A couple of hours on the second flight, I think.” Calum admitted, frowning. “I’m just… I _really_ want to be back on land.”

She laughed again, but her eyes were fond. “Don’t worry, we should be landing in half an hour. Nanna and Gale said they would be there to pick us up.” Mali-Koa said excitedly, and even though Calum smiled back at her enthusiasm, he couldn’t help the weird feeling that was upsetting his stomach. In fact, that was why he had called to her on the first place.

Calum shrunk on the seat, leaning until his head was pillowed on Mali’s shoulder, the older taking out a hand to scratch his hair. It was nice. But it didn’t make the feeling go away.

“You don’t think…” He started, biting his lip before he found the courage to finish his sentence. “You don’t think it will be… weird?”

Mali’s fingers stopped for a moment before she resumed it, her voice a bit guarded as she asked, “Why?”

“They’re family but we don’t… _know_ them.” Calum said with a small voice.

Yes, he was excited. Yes, he had been wanting to come here for ages, get to know this part of him, this part of his heritage. That didn’t mean he wasn’t scared shitless too. Because he had grown up with his paternal grandparents, his uncle, his cousins. He didn’t _know_ half the people they were supposed to spend time with, didn’t even know their _names_.

“I don’t think it’s a question of knowing them beforehand.” Mali said, her hand stopping again but staying in Calum’s hair. “It’s a question of _us_ taking the opportunity to get to know _them_.”

“I still think it will be weird.” Calum said stubbornly, lifting his head from Mali’s shoulder and frowning. “I… I had a connexion to Nan, I don’t know _her_.”

“So what?” Mali laughed brightly, shaking her head at him. “That’s why we’re doing this.”

“But… won’t it be awkward?” Calum insisted, trying to put into words what had him so worked up. “Having _‘favourites’_?”

And it was a sick thing to say, but he still whispered it, desperate to get some reassurance from Mali that wasn’t the standard _‘It will be fine.’._

“I swear, Cal…” She trailed off, pinching the bridge of her nose. “She wasn’t a part of our childhood in the way Nan was because we lived on the other side of the world, yeah. But we did this because we wanted to get to know her and that’s what matters. I’m sure she’s smart enough to grasp _you_ having _favourites_.” She scoffed.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” He muttered, glancing down to where his feet were cramped against the next seat.

“I’m sorry.” Mali sighed to his right, her hand finding Calum’s and squeezing down on it. “I don’t remember much about her either, I was 4 when we left.” She offered quietly.

“Mum said she was nice.” Calum commented, turning to face her again. “She only says that when she doesn’t know what to say.”

It brought a giggle out of Mali, though, his own lips curving up. “It’s her mum, of course she said that. How would _you_ describe _mum_?” She snickered, shaking her head.

“She’s…” He trailed off, not knowing exactly how to encapsulate everything that was his mum in just a word. “Okay, I did tell Ashton she was _nice_ before we went home last Christmas.” He admitted, giggles making him feel giddy.

“See? Totally normal.” Mali snorted. “Don’t overthink it, Cal.” She added, giving his hand another squeeze and then letting go.

T minus 34 minutes until landing.

* * *

As expected, both his grandmother and their uncle Gale were there to pick them up, a cheesy sign Calum supposed his younger cousins had designed held up by both of them, huge grins on their faces.

It was weird, because in a way it didn’t _feel_ weird. Well. It did for the first couple of moments, because Mali actually threw herself into the waiting arms of their grandmother and started to shed a tear or two. But then his uncle was coming towards him, offering a handshake and a hug, smiling, and Calum felt himself letting go.

“You had a good flight?” Gale asked him as they broke it off, clapping him a couple of times on the back. Calum was kind of staring at him with wide eyes, because even if he remembered the resemblance Gale and his mother shared from the time his uncle visited them years ago, he hadn’t expected to see himself in the older man’s face as well. He shook himself out of it, though, laughing a bit.

“Yeah. Although I’m beat. Couldn’t sleep at all.” He scrunched up his face.

“It’d be best if you guys had something to eat and waited until at least sundown to head to bed.” Gale suggested, and Calum nodded.

“Yeah, that’s probably best.” He smiled, then turned to greet his grandmother.

They hadn’t ever spoken much in Calum’s 23 years of living, not really. Calum had been too shy to get on the phone whenever there were calls when he was a kid, and she had never been too much into Skype by the time Calum got over his shyness. He hadn’t really ever gotten to know her, not even like Mali, who always made an effort to call from time to time. Calum had been home during some of those calls and he had always declined taking the phone. Which he now realised had been a bit of an arsehole-y behaviour.

“Come here, Calum. Gimmie a hug.” She beckoned him then, breaking him out of his thoughts, a smile so bright on her face it was contagious.

She wore her hair grey, curling short to frame her head, and even though there were wrinkles on her face, Calum couldn’t for the life of him guess her age at all. And there was no denying she was their grandmother either. Calum’s mum looked so much like her that it was uncanny. And now that Calum thought about it, none of them could deny they were related. And that made him feel a little bit better, a little more comfortable as he crossed the way in two steps and crouched down to hug her tightly. He had to let go sooner than he would have liked though, because his back was cramping from bending down and that plus the plane hours had definitely made a number on him.

“Nice to see you, finally.” She laughed, grabbing his face to leave a kiss on his forehead, her glasses pressing close to Calum’s hair. “You’re a handsome one.”

It made Calum sputter, colour rising to his cheeks as he saw Mali laughing at him next to their uncle.

“I, um… Thanks?” He said hesitantly, feeling even more embarrassed when Anahera broke out laughing, patting his cheeks and turning to Mali-Koa mouthing soundlessly _‘He okay?’_ making the younger girl laugh.

“He’s just weird, Nanna. You’ll get used to him.” Mali said with a smirk stepping closer and hooking her arm through their grandmother’s. 

“Hey!” Calum protested weakly, a bit out of time. Jet-lag was a real thing and he wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Shit, he felt so tired.

“Let’s go leave your suitcases home and out for a bite, eh?” Gale intervened, laughter seeping into his voice as he clapped Calum on the back.

Calum stuck out his tongue to Mali before he grabbed his suitcase, following Gale outside and very worthily ignoring his grandma’s and Mali-Koa’s giggles. He was just tired from the trip, not _weird._ He didn’t even know how Mali could be so fresh after almost 31 hours of planes and stop-overs. Calum was tired, and he was cranky, and he missed Ashton more than he ever thought he would. It felt like it had been weeks since they said goodbye, and it had only been a day and some. Plus, they had even talked when Calum and Mali landed in Dubai, Ashton greeting him with a sleepy voice, saying he missed him in their bed. But now Calum just felt like he was missing a limb or something, too many hours without hearing Ashton’s giggle, feeling his touch, seeing his smile. And it turned his mood quite sourly.

By half-past five in the afternoon -and almost 5 am in UK time, which Calum was still trying to grasp- they were sat at a lovely restaurant near their grandma’s house. He didn’t talk much over tea, excusing himself saying he was a bit out of it as Mali gushed about scenery and the things she faintly remembered from her time there before they moved to Scotland. It filled Calum with warmth, seeing her so happy, so comfortable with these people, but… they still felt a bit like strangers to him.

It wasn’t like he was uncomfortable, because he _really_ wasn’t. Thing just was that he didn’t really know what to talk about or how to join the conversation, even when they had tried to direct it to him asking him about his studies and his work. Standard questions that Calum should have known how to answer and yet they had left him stammering, even his lisp coming back. That hadn’t happened since probably primary school. So he just chose to remain silent, checking his phone from time to time as he waited for Ashton to wake up so he could call. Calum just needed to hear his voice, he was sure it would calm him down.

Because he needed calming down, a reassurance of some sort. He couldn’t stop glancing about, and he knew his leg bouncing up and down was doing more to stress him out than to calm him down. He was just antsy. That was it. He had gone too long without Ashton’s calming touch and his voice and that was what was making him anxious. And now that he thought about it, he realised it wasn’t healthy, this dependency he felt from Ashton. And he had created it all by himself. Shit. 

During the previous year, whenever Calum had taken a trip up to Kilbirnie for a few days, it hadn’t felt like this. He had been away from Ashton, yes. And he had missed him. But somehow being on the other side of the world with more than 24 hours of travel between them was making this all worse. And he needed to hear Ashton’s voice just to calm himself down. He took out his phone again, but no more than twenty minutes had passed since the last time he checked, and it was nowhere near close to the time Ashton’s alarm was supposed to go off, one hour before he went into work.

“And who might be stealing your thoughts from us, young man?” His grandma’s voice cut through, the older woman patting his knee lightly from where she was seated.

Calum just now noticed that Mali and Gale had left the table and were outside, his uncle smoking and Mali most probably keeping him company.

“That obvious?” He finally sighed, locking his phone and turning to face her again.

“You have the look.” She smiled kindly.

There was something in her eyes that drew Calum in, so similar to his mum’s. And yet he couldn’t quite figure her out. He didn’t know how to talk to her, how to behave. That was definitely one of the things adding to his nervousness. He bit his lip, scrunching his face a bit as he slouched his shoulders, finally admitting in a quiet voice, “I miss my boyfriend.”

Her smile grew at that and Calum couldn’t help but smile back, if hesitantly. “What’s his name, again?” She asked curiously. “I don’t think your mum told me.”

“His name’s Ashton.” Calum beamed, the only thought of Ashton making him smile. And then he had an idea. “Wait, I think I have…” He trailed off, unlocking his phone again and searching for a picture of them back from their summer trip to Dalmellington. “Here.” He said, passing her the phone and biting his lip as he waited for her to react.

His mum had warned him that maybe her mother wouldn’t look with good eyes that Calum was with a guy, but he hadn’t noticed any response just yet that would suggest that. And yeah, he had read up on how LGBTQ were doing in New Zealand, knew Māori were in general pretty open minded, but… his mum’s comment was making him overthink it. Calum was still quite nervous as he waited for Anahera to say something. In theory she already knew he was gay, so this wasn’t exactly another _coming out_ conversation, but after his mum’s words Calum wasn’t sure.

But Anahera was just smiling softly down at the phone, her eyes shiny when they met Calum’s, so that calmed him a bit. “You two look very in love.” She said returning the phone, and even though he wouldn’t want to admit it, Calum felt relieved at it.

“Yeah, we are.” He admitted softly. And then he blurted out, “You’re not… going to say anything? About me being gay?”

And she just let out a laugh, shaking her head and clutching his hand, her bony fingers holding onto him strong. “Love is _love_ , who am I to stomp on people’s happiness?” She stated, the fondness on her eyes drawing Calum even closer.

“Mum said you maybe wouldn’t…” He trailed off, clearing his throat a bit as he glanced down.

But she just tightened her hold on his hand before releasing it and letting out a sigh, rubbing her chin. “Your mum’s always had a vision of me that didn’t completely match up, Calum.”

“Oh.” Calum whispered, not really knowing what else to say.

He felt her index on his chin and he lifted his head instinctively. “I’m happy my grandson’s happy.” She said serenely. “When you get old, Calum, that’s all you ever want.”

“Thanks.”

She reached out her hand and squeezed his arm, letting out a short, tired laugh, her eyes shining behind her glasses. Calum could feel the love coming from her, from her touch. It was nice. But he… he didn’t really know what to feel about her. She felt like a stranger, and at the same time, Calum felt this tug from her, this closeness. He didn’t know what to make of it yet. But it intrigued him. How he could feel this sort of nearness even when it hadn’t even been a day since they met in person.

She slid her chair closer to him, her hand squeezing on his forearm before she urged, “Tell me about him.”

Calum couldn’t help but smile at her, his eyes glancing down to the screen of his phone, still lit up and Ashton still smiling at him from it. It made some tears come to his eyes, his thumb caressing over the picture.

“He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met.” He whispered, glancing back up to his grandmother, who was smiling encouragingly at him. “He’s a nurse at an Emergency Department, likes to volunteer, has a laughter and a shine to him that just make people smile.” He proceeded, feeling his heart swell just at the thought of the older boy. But Ashton wasn’t just that. He was much more than words could describe. He still tried. “And he’s funny, and incredibly clever even though he thinks he’s not.” He paused, the love he felt almost making him breathless. “He loves to sing, but he’s too shy to really give it a go even when it’s just the two of us. And I love his voice, grandma. He has the most beautiful voice, even when he’s just talking.” Anahera squeezed his arm, smiling fondly at him. Calum couldn’t help the soft smile that took over his features. “And we get each other. That’s the best part. We just… understand each other.”

“And he treats you well.” She stated, although it sounded more like a question.

“He does, he’s the best.” Calum assured. “I’m very lucky I met him.”

She smiled one last time, patting his arm again before she raised her hand to stroke Calum’s cheek. It made him freeze for a moment, that a simple gesture like that could bring back so many unwanted memories. He shook himself out of it, smiling back quickly, but she had already noticed, taking her hand away.

“What do you say we get going so you and your sister can go to sleep? You must be tired.” She said kindly, and Calum nodded.

“I would really love to fall asleep right now.” He chuckled, relieved when the older woman did too.

“Then let’s go, eh.”

* * *

There was a loud clunk downstairs followed by some giggles and shrills, making Calum turn around and wonder if he ought to go down. He knew Gale had come for some snacks after picking up his children from school, and Calum would have loved to join them, but there was something that was keeping him from it.

Actually, two somethings.

He had just received an email from the Astronomical Institute of Prague with all the information for the applying process of the grant to join the astrophysics research group. There was a huge list of forms to fill, and paperwork to turn in, and the impending deadline at the end of the week had kind of made him freak out a bit. There was also the fact that he was just now realising that Prague would be _far_ from home. Far from Ashton and his family. And he had begun doubting now that it would be a good decision.

He had been in New Zealand only for a few days and he was already going crazy. Calum couldn’t imagine having to be far from Michael, or his family or Ashton for more than that. He just couldn’t. And, after all, he was still waiting on Birmingham. Which meant far from them but still close enough. And that department would probably be able to take him on, right?

He hadn’t even told Ashton yet. Calum didn’t know why, he just knew if he did, the older would get excited for him, offered to help him with the paperwork, and Calum just didn’t want that yet. Because paperwork would mean submitting it, and submitting it would lead to maybe getting the spot. And that meant he would have to be away from Ashton again. And Calum was just beginning to realise just how difficult that was for him. Which actually terrified him.

It hadn’t been a week since they last saw each other, and Calum couldn’t stop feeling this dreadful weight on his chest, like Ashton’s absence was triggering an actual physical reaction. It wasn’t pleasant, to say the least. And even when the texts and Skype calls helped, Calum just felt like there was this invisible thread that united him to Ashton that had been stretched way too far. Calum really couldn’t wait for the older to be on the same side of the world as he again.

The feeling of being away from home was mitigated somewhat by Mali’s presence, but even with her there, Calum couldn’t stop thinking about his parents being so far away. He really didn’t know how his mother had coped with being away from home for so long. Spending time with Mali going out sightseeing and stuff felt good, but she had thrown herself to the whole getting to know their family better, and sometimes Calum just felt lost.

Which led to the second something. If he stayed up there in the room he and Mali shared and didn’t come down, maybe that would be best for him. He was already going through a hard time being away from home, if he actually let these people - _your family_ _you idiot_ , a voice that surprisingly sounded like Michael in his head reminded him- in, wouldn’t that just mean more people for him to worry about? When he was back at Cambridge or wherever, it would mean more people he loved being far away from him. And Calum realised he sounded like a total arsehole, keeping them at a distance. His own relatives. And even more arsehole-ish when he processed that his way of thinking implied he didn’t care for them _now_. Because it wasn’t true. He _did_ care. But he just didn’t think he should get himself even more involved. Not after… No. Just… no.

If he talked about this with Ashton Calum knew he would just tell him to forget about everything and just enjoy his time there. That that was why he had decided to go. To get to know his family, his grandmother. And that would be fine, if Calum just knew how to talk to her.

The only seminormal conversation they had had had been about Ashton, and after that first day, Calum just didn’t know how to approach her. And it wasn’t that he was nervous, or at least he didn’t think he was. It was just… The memories from his Nan still hurt. Getting to know Anahera just felt like he was cheating somehow on the memory of his Nan. Which sounded completely stupid, as Mali-Koa had pointed out on the plane ride. But it wasn’t something Calum could just skirt around. He didn’t know how.

He did know he needed to talk to Ashton. Probably tell him about Prague, too, not delay it. Even more certainly, Calum knew he should be talking about these feelings with someone. But Ashton was working right that moment, and Michael was too, and Mali would probably don’t understand. The rift that opened when Calum stopped talking to her, trusting her after his Nan died… that hadn’t completely healed. And Calum knew if he brought it up with her –more eloquently than he had done on the plane– that would mean talking about their Nan, and Calum was not ready for that. He knew he should’ve been. Having talked it over with his mum, his dad. But Mali… Calum wouldn’t be able to.

He was so focused making a list of everything he would need in order to apply to the Prague grant that he almost jumped when Mali opened the door unannounced.

“Fuck, Mali. You could have knocked.” He breathed out, spinning around to face her.

“Were you…?” She grimaced.

“ _No_.” Calum squeaked, shaking his head quickly. “Still, you scared me half to death.” He whispered between his teeth, facing his computer screen.

“You coming down for a snack? Gale brought his youngest.” She informed him as she walked up to her bed, sat on it.

Her comment made Calum’s ears perk, and he smiled and turned back to her excitedly despite all his earlier tribulations about going down to socialise. “The baby?” He beamed.

“Yup.” Mali grinned back. “I swear she’s so cute, Cal. Cheeks so round. Reminds me of you.”

“Shut up.” He muttered, shaking his head and turning back to the laptop. He had a lot of things to go through, and even though the idea of meeting his youngest cousin kind of excited him, right now he probably should stay up there. Because of both aforementioned reasons. “I was checking something with the university. I’ll be down when I finish.” Calum murmured vaguely, expecting Mali to not push him and go back down.

She didn’t. Always loving to prove him wrong.

“Calum.” She sounded disappointed, but she didn’t say anything else, Calum hearing her get up from the bed.

He must have let something show, though, because the next thing he knew Mali was turning his swivel chair to make him face her, crouching down in front of him and taking his hands on hers, just then making Calum realise he had been scratching his knee. _Again_.

“Calum.” She repeated, squeezing down on his hands. “Stop it, Cal.”

“I stopped.” He said, looking intently at her hands stopping him from keeping the nervous tic.

Mali tsked, shaking her head before letting go of his hands, taking a seat on his bed next to the desk and sighing. “I know what you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing _anything_.”

Mali sighed, rolling her eyes before she looked at him again. “Look, Cal. Keeping yourself up here won’t work the way you want to.”

“I’m not–. I’m not doing that.” He protested. “I’m not ‘keeping myself up here’.”

Mali-Koa fixed him a stare. “Yes, you are.”

Calum groaned, letting himself fall against the backrest of the chair and looking at the ceiling. He sometimes forgot that even despite not being as close as before, Mali-Koa could possibly be the best at reading him.

“I hate you.” He muttered under his breath. It only made her laugh.

“Come on down.” She said softly. “I know you want to play with the baby.” She raised her eyebrows expectantly.

“But I have to pre–”

“I’m asking for an hour, not a whole day.” She pressed. “Come on, it will be good.”

Calum eyed her, hesitant. His eyes glanced back to the Institute’s webpage pulled up on his browser. He bit his lip, glancing back to Mali-Koa and her little encouraging nod. Then he groaned, “Okay.”

Her smile grew at that, her eyes fond. Calum turned to the laptop, setting it to sleep mode and closing the screen. When he got up Mali was already by the door waiting for him.

And she had been right. It was good.

Calum didn’t understand how Gale and his wife managed with three children, the twins only 7, the baby a bit over one year. And they apparently liked to scream their little heads off, all three of them. Calum wished he had his stars projector here, to be able to calm them down like he had done with the kids at the centre a hundred times before, but his projector was on the other side of the world. He ended up submitting himself as a test subject for his cousins to paint his face –Mali had graciously offered her makeup, something that Calum hadn’t realised she took when she came upstairs–. Little Ana had fallen asleep on his arms pretty quickly after crawling around a bit, Calum playing with her.

He was afraid to look at the photos they had taken of him when they finished with how his hair felt pulled tight in several elastic bands, but he wanted them for Ashton. And he didn’t want to know about his face, where both Lucy and Kit had spread like all the colours of Mali’s eye-shadow palette. But Ashton would appreciate the pictures. Both for the laugh and for the emotional side of it.

The older always got extra mushy whenever he saw Calum with kids, and that just made the world to Calum. Thinking of the future, of them sharing that experience together. Raising a kid. It was a nice wish.

Anahera had been laughing quietly as she eyed them all, a twinkle in her eye that reminded Calum so much of his Nan that it hurt. But the feeling was gone as soon as it came, dissolving into fondness, a smile tugging at his lips as his eyes crossed with hers. She nodded at him, her eyes falling to the toddler in his arms. Calum’s eyes followed the line of her gaze to find the little girl looking up at him with her big, brown eyes.

“Hey, little one.” He smiled, and she gurgled happily, and it made Calum’s smile grow bigger.

Her sister and brother had left with Mali to hers and Calum’s room so Mali could paint their nails, and Gale had just gone to get the car from out back.

“She likes you, eh.” His grandmother said, nodding again to the little one that was stretching her chubby arms trying to grip Calum’s hair.

“Yeah?” Calum asked, making a silly face at her before leaning forward to press a raspberry against her tummy, making the toddler giggle.

“By this time she’s usually tired, crying.”

“Well, she took a long nap while her brother and sister turned me into a monster.” Calum chuckled, rocking her.

“Ii!“ Anahera laughed at that, the shine in her eyes increasing. And then she reached high enough that her little fist clutched Calum’s nose, making him break into giggles.

Gale appeared through the door not long after, calling out for Lucy and Kit upstairs and taking Ana carefully off of Calum’s arms. The baby went willingly into his father’s arms, her chin resting over Gale’s shoulder as she kept her eyes on Calum, an adorable pout on her lips. Her siblings came down the stairs a mess of giggles, Mali trailing behind them and snorting when she came to a stop next to Calum.

“I can’t believe you let them mess with your hair.” She whispered in between giggles, stopping just in time to crouch down to give a hug to each of them, Calum hugging them next and them following the girls and Gale out front.

“Please.” He scoffed when they were out of earshot, all aboard the car. “I let Michael mess with my hair. These two were harmless.” He laughed waving goodbye at them all as Gale put the car in reverse and took the car out of the driveway.

“That’s true.” Mali conceded. “I never knew why you let Michael do that, though. He could’ve burnt your hair off.”

“Hey, he’s not that bad.” Calum complained, turning to get inside. “He knows his stuff.”

“I know. Exactly why I sent him a picture of you from this afternoon.” She smirked evilly.

Calum gasped, mockingly offended. He was going to send it to him anyway, so he just laughed and shook his head.

“Thank you for making me come down.” He said scrunching his nose. “I had a good time.”

“Glad.” Mali smile, laughing and closing the door behind them.

* * *

“Mate, you look like Ron from Parks when he let his kids paint shit all over his face. You’re only missing a moustache.” Michael snorted as soon as the call connected.

“Thanks.” Calum grimaced, still trying to get the makeup off of his face.

Mali had offered to help, but Calum had refused her. It couldn’t be that difficult, could it?

“How’s it going?” Michael piped in, traces of laughter still lighting up his tone.

“Normal.” Calum answered immediately, almost as immediately as Michael’s fixed him no bullshit stare. Which made him backtrack. “Okay. It’s been...weird at times. But also not weird, too.”

“Eloquent.” Michael snorted again, Calum reading his amused face even through the pixelation of the image.

“If I don’t think very hard about not knowing them it works.” He said, frowning. Because it was true. If he just let himself be, he enjoyed his time. His grandmother had a peculiar sense of humour and Gale was just the kind of fun uncle Calum had never had. Perhaps because his dad’s brother was like 20 years older than Gale. However, when he registered that these people although family were like virtually strangers to him... “When I suddenly remember then it turns...”

“Weird?” Michael offered.

“Yup.”

The older only nodded this time, so Calum thought he had understood what he meant even if his explanation had been shit.

He was really tired. Even getting that semi-coherent explanation out had taken the life out of him. It felt like his brain was finding it hard to make connections between concepts, foggy with the lack of sleep.

Because that was happening. And Calum didn’t know if it was jet lag or something else, but he was falling asleep well into the wee hours of the morning, waking up either too early with the sun after only a couple of hours of sleep, or way too late by midmorning. And it was fucking up his visit and his mood.

“How’re things your end?” Calum asked, grasping for something to distract him.

“Grace and I went ice-skating yesterday!” Michael gushed excitedly. “I fell like six times.”

Calum laughed and shook his head. “Mate, we’ve been going ice-skating since we were in secondary school, how can you _not_ have learnt yet?”

“I take pride in those falls.” Michael shrugged and then broke into an easy laugh that made Calum feel fondness washing over him.

“Wish I could be there. Going to miss our yearly tradition.” Calum tsked.

“We can go on Hogmanay while I’m at Kilbirnie.”

“Nah, Glasgow will be full of tourists that day.” Calum shrugged.

He bit his lip, thinking about all the holidays' traditions he was going to be missing out this year on the count of being on the other side of the world. Thank god he and Ashton had been able to get tickets for a plane back during Christmas Day.

Ashton had surprised him with the proposition, saying that that way they could spend Christmas with both their families. Christmas’ Eve and night with his, Christmas dinner with Calum’s. True, his family didn't celebrate Christmas much per se, but this way he got to keep his Love Actually tradition with Mali. It had made Calum so happy that Ashton had taken him into account that way. It was all perfect.

“Maybe you can go ice-skating when you’re with Ashton?” Michael suggested.

“In Australia? In the middle of the summer?” Calum snorted.

“I’m sure there will be at least one place in your vicinity where you can ice-skate.” Michael snorted right back. “Why don’t you ask Ashton?”

“Because he hasn’t been with his family in two years, Mike.” Calum sighed. “It’s already too much that I’m coming as a plus one to even try to take time away from them.”

“You can _all_ go ice-skating.” Michael rolled his eyes.

“ _Mike_.”

“Okay.” The older gave in. “I’m just saying, Cal. Traditions are built upon a first outing. You can start new traditions whenever you want to.”

“I know.” Calum nodded. “I just worry that it’s too little a time for him to spend with his family. It’s been two years.”

“You already said that.”

“Yeah, but it’s important.” Calum bit his lip. “I could never imagine what going through that is like. So far from them, for so _long_.” He added with a small voice, looking down at his lap.

Calum heard Michael’s sigh clearly through his headphones. He could even tell it was a worried one. They had spent too much time together for Michael not to know what was going on in his head, and Calum didn’t know if it was an advantage or a disadvantage. “Is this about Prague?”

Calum only nodded once, but when he heard Michael sigh again, he knew the older had understood the affirmative.

“What are you thinking?” Came Michael’s question, and for once it wasn’t outright advice. It left Calum feeling uneasy enough that he looked back up to the screen.

“I don’t know.” He confessed. “It’s half a year. Doesn’t sound like much. And it’s also a great opportunity for my career.” Calum said, almost as if trying to remind himself of all the good things about it. That Michael hadn’t outright told him he was stupid to even consider not applying had made his brain reset to thinking about the advantages the stay presented, and not only the negative thoughts that had started popping into his brain as of late. “I don’t know, I guess being away from home is making me overthink some stuff.” He shrugged.

“If you need to ramble, I’m always here to listen.” Michael reminded him from the other side of the screen.

“I know.” Calum smiled, chuckling silently. “Although it is kinda weird you didn’t declare yourself for or against like you always do.”

At that Michael let out a snort, raising his hands. “Mate, I’m not choosing for you. I’m neutral on this one.”

“You used to be such a chaotic good.” Calum pouted. “You were good at that.”

“Yeah, but there comes a time when we grow up and we have to learn how to let other people adult by themselves.” Michael smirked.

“Rich coming from you, you giant baby.”

Michael only laughed at that, shaking his head.

“Anyways, thank you, Mike.” Calum said after he let go of the laughter, growing a bit more serious. “Like for always listening to my rambles.”

“That’s what friends are for.” Michael smiled, shaking his head again.

Calum smiled back. “And brothers?”

“Those are for telling you you’re being overly gross and sappy.” Michael broke out laughing. “But I love you too.”

* * *

_Remember your love for the beautiful unknown._

The text from Ashton made Calum smile, his thumb stroking over the screen of his phone. His alarm had just gone off, waking him from the nicest fluffiest dream. He couldn’t exactly remember what had happened on it, but he swore it was _good_. Had that feeling spreading through his chest that he got whenever Ashton smiled, so that told him the older had probably been on it. And waking up to a text from him just made Calum feel even more lucky to have someone like him in his life.

What he didn’t love exactly was what Ashton was referring to. Mali was spending that morning babysitting their cousins while Gale and his wife had some time off, and Calum would have gladly accepted to go, but he was swamped in paperwork for the Prague thing. Which he hadn’t yet told Ashton. The notion of which erased the smile from his face immediately, making him throw his arm over his face and sigh against his forearm. Shit.

It wasn’t like Calum didn’t _want_ to tell him. He wanted to so badly. Calum hadn’t kept anything from Ashton since they got together, and keeping this, not telling him, was making him miserable. But he also knew if he told Ashton there was no way in hell the older would let him half-ass everything as Calum was doing.

Because yeah, he was gathering everything he needed to apply for the position. But the cover letter? Half-assed. His resume? A joke. Calum had been wanting to get into research for so long and suddenly... Suddenly he wasn’t so sure. Plus Prague was _far_. He would be away for the duration of the project, which would seem to be only six months, but he thought six months and time seemed to stretch before him way too far. Too long without being with Ashton and near home.

And now Ashton’s text just seemed to rub it in, that he was letting this opportunity go, even though he knew the older had just sent it because Calum would be spending the whole morning alone with his grandmother. Which scared him shitless.

They had talked more throughout the days he had been there, but none of the conversations seemed to go past the superficial stuff, and Calum still wasn’t sure how to act around her. He wasn’t sure he wanted to _learn_ how to act around her.

If he thought Prague was far from home, New Zealand was much further away. And… It just hurt to think he wouldn’t be able to come back if anything were to happen to any of his relatives here. He would have to deal with whatever happened from the other side of the world. And getting to know Anahera, even though it seemed like it would be good for him, it just… It hurt. It hurt too much. Knowing that yeah, with his Nan he had been away because of his interview for the masters, but… If something were to happen to Anahera, Calum wouldn’t just be away because something was keeping him from there. He would be away because he was just _living_ his life.

So Calum didn’t actively seek her out like Mali, who was spending all her time either out with Gale’s family visiting the nearest attractions –and always dragging Calum with them–, or just talking in the living room with their grandmother, or helping her around the house. She had adapted herself quite quickly to the routine. Calum envied her. Envied the way she just didn’t seem to think about what would mean, opening herself to them. How much it would hurt after.

To think that she had gone through the same stuff as him and that she was open to it made Calum feel even worse, because… Why the hell couldn’t he be the same as her? Why did the death of their Nan still hung over him like some unfinished business, something that was making him scared at every turn? Making him fear the thought of simply letting life do its thing?

Those and other questions were keeping him up most of the time, Calum blaming jet-lag still whenever Mali woke up in the middle of the night to find him awake, staring at his phone. Waiting to talk to Ashton at a reasonable hour also kept him up, but Calum didn’t put any blame on that.

They had done a couple of Skype calls through the days he had been at New Zealand, using Netflix party in one of them because Ashton insisted Calum just had to watch this new corny Christmassy film with him and he couldn’t wait until they were together again in Sydney. It had been good, but Calum just missed being able to cuddle with him, missed the kisses good night, the _‘sorry’_ s in the morning when the older’s alarm went off way too early for him. He just missed Ashton too much. And the fact that the older boy had decided to give him space so he could get to spend time with his family wasn’t making it any easier on Calum.

But the older believed in him for some kind of reason Calum would never understand. Ashton had this faith in him, believed him capable of anything. Which at times was a really great ego boost, and other times, whenever Calum felt down, was just a reminder that Ashton still saw him through rose-tinted glasses sometimes and that the real him didn’t measure up to that ideal.

Ashton had improved heaps and bounds since last year, had begun to talk to Otto regularly, had stopped having nightmares. He seemed like he had worked through it, and Calum… Calum still had days where he felt like ever since that day he hadn’t been the same. Like everything in his life was now conditioned by his Nan’s death, even if the conditioning was entirely in his head and had no reason of being other than him being fucked up.

After the text he had a mixed bag of emotions, so he just rolled around in bed, finally getting up and frowning when he saw Mali had left a note too on the desk they shared.

_I’m taking the children to the beach this afternoon. You’re coming!_

He smiled despite his mood, thinking of just going with them and letting himself be. Maybe. If he felt better afterwards. Right now, he was hungry, so that meant a trip downstairs and facing his grandmother. Calum sighed, opened the window to air the room while he was at the kitchen and shuffled his way out.

Anahera was busy in the kitchen preparing what Calum assumed was dinner. And it smelled way too good. Also, familiar.

“Morning.” He whispered, coming in and going straight for the kettle, filling it with water.

“Oh, you’re awake.” She smiled, getting back to stirring some kind of soup in a pan. The smell was coming from the oven where Calum spied something roasting.

“Is that lamb?”

“Yes.”

Calum grinned at her, coming closer to the oven and surveying it, sweet potatoes and pumpkin roasting at the same time as the meat. He was salivating already. He didn’t know if he should wait until dinner time or have breakfast, it was already half past 11.

“There’s Lamingtons on the pantry.” The older woman informed him, and Calum just felt the corner of his lips turning up higher.

Ever since Mali and he arrived, Calum had been fascinated with the cakes and meals his grandmother prepared. It almost felt like being back in his Nan’s kitchen, learning how to cook. Except he wasn’t learning here. He was staying away, only coming down to eat. Asking Anahera for recipes would probably be nice, and Calum definitely wanted to know how to make the cakes she had baked, but… Maybe it would bring unwanted memories back.

“Thanks.” He replied, going straight for the cupboard and fishing out a plate, carrying it to the pantry and placing three of the small cakes on it, taking the time to search for tea while he was there and coming out just in time to turn the kettle off.

“You’re still having trouble sleeping?” She asked, her eyes kind as she turned the stove off, took out two mugs and set them in front of the kettle.

“Yeah.” Calum nodded, going back in the pantry to pick another tea bag. He must have come across as rather impolite, not having offered her tea nor cake. He bit his lip as he went back outside, Anahera having already served the water into the two cups.

“I have some night tea that might help.”

“Oh, thanks. That’d be nice. Thank you.” Calum mumbled quickly, smiling at her and picking up the mug she was offering.

“Your sister said you were busy with university, that’s why you weren’t going with her.”

“Yeah. I’m applying for a placement on a Research Group.” Calum said taking a bite of the cake and almost moaning at how good it was. But he contained himself, raising his eyes again to see his grandmother observing him with kind eyes.

“Is that what you want to do?”

Calum nodded, taking another bite. And then he thought he maybe should have expanded on that. Anahera certainly seemed like she had been expecting something more out of the question, and it made Calum feel awkward. Especially when as of late, he wasn't that sure about what he wanted to do. Just went with what he thought would be _best._

“I don’t bite, Calum. You can talk to me.” She stated, chuckling softly.

“I know.” He replied quickly, feeling a blush creeping up his neck and cheeks at having being called out. It almost fekt like he was back to being a kid and he was being reprimanded or something. It was a weird feeling.

When he raised his gaze again, Anahera was looking expectantly at him, clearly waiting for him to say something.

“It’s just…” He trailed off, his grandmother arching an eyebrow in a way that reminded Calum too much of his mum, and he suddenly felt the dam breaking, words spilling out of his mouth before he even processed they were. “I don’t know you. You don’t know _me_. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about you. How I’m supposed to talk to you, act around you. I know I overthink it too much but it just… It feels _weird_.” He blurted out, then taking a deep breath and widening his eyes when he realised what he had just said. “Oh my good, I’m sorry. I don’t mean weird _weird_ , I meant like… It’s confusing. _I’m_ confused.” He finished in a whisper, staring at his mug.

There was a moment he thought he had offended his grandmother or something, because she was eerily quiet, but then she broke out laughing, her eyes shining as she regarded him fondly.

“What?” He asked hesitantly, not really knowing what was going on.

“Let’s get to know each other, then.” She smiled, patting his arm lightly. “I’ll start. Why did you decide to study the sky? You never said.”

“You’re for real?” Calum blurted out, blushing when he realised he had talked to her again like she wasn’t his elder. “Sorry, it’s just… This is also…”

“Weird?” Anahera finished for him, her eyes way more amused than Calum liked.

He nodded anyway.

“Why not talk about that? You said I didn’t know you.” She shrugged, passing the ball back to his court.

Calum frowned, not really knowing what else to do, as they were alone in the house and he had to remain in the kitchen as he had breakfast. So what the hell. Plus, if he answered, maybe she would answer a question of his, and Calum was very curious about the recipe of those Lamington cakes he couldn’t stop eating. “I was a total nerd when I was little. Always loved the sky and the stars. Wanted to be an astronaut.”

“Oh, I remember some pictures of you dressed up as that. I must still have them somewhere.” She laughed softly. “You were a cute kid.”

Calum felt his blush darkening, muttering a thanks and scrunching his nose as he remembered those pictures. Mali had been dressed as Robin Hood, and he was supposed to have gone as one of the Merry Men, but he had been so adamant on being an astronaut that his dad had actually made the costume from scratch. It hadn’t turned out half-bad, but Calum was still embarrassed at his insistence.

“When I started Primary School, we took a trip to a nearby Observatory, and that was it. I decided to study the stars.” He continued, smiling at the thought of Dalmellington and the new added memories with Ashton there. “My Nan got me my first telescope.” He added, almost unconsciously.

“You were close with her.” Anahera pointed out.

“Aye.” He said defensively, and then he realised the tone he had used and he felt himself shrink, ashamed of it. This was precisely why he shouldn’t have answered. Because everything surrounding his life led to his Nan, and it was complicated.

But then Anahera smiled, this really amused shine to her eyes before she started laughing quietly.

“What…? Why–”

“Mali told me you were afraid about coming here because of your history of ‘favouritism’ but I really couldn’t imagine you’d actually believe in stuff like that.”

Calum just frowned at her, not knowing how to answer, then shook his head. Mali having ratted him out somehow did not hurt but had also come out of nowhere, leaving him uncertain on how to proceed.

“We’re family, Calum. There is no place for favouritism. We’re expected to love each other just because of blood, but only blood isn’t family, right?”

“No, it’s not.” Calum answered almost reflexively. “My best friend Michael is family. Ashton is family.” He added, frowning.

“Yes. Yes.” Anahera nodded. Then she reached for Calum’s hand, taking it in both or hers and patting it softly. “You don’t have to feel any specific way about me, Calum. I love you, you’re my daughter’s son, but you were right. I don’t know _you_. I want to, though.”

And now he suddenly had a knot on his throat, Ashton’s words resonating in his ears even when it had only been a text, _Remember your love for the beautiful unknown._ Yeah, he was curious about all manners of stuff relating the universe. But...

“But we’ve never–. I’ve never. This is the first time I _actually_ thought of doing this. Of coming here for real, when Mali suggested.” He sputtered out. “I thought I should, before, but I had never really planned for it, on my own. I didn’t–. Ugh.” He grunted, frustrated with not getting the words out right. “I never made an effort.” He eventually forced out, glancing away from his grandmother and taking his hand from under hers, lowering his gaze to his lap, embarrassed.

“Neither did I take an interest in flying all the way to Scotland to meet you.” Anahera’s voice reached him. He could tell she was trying to be tactful, but unlike his own voice, Calum couldn’t sense any hint of regret on hers. She just seemed so blunt it was making him unsure on how to answer. “It’s always just seemed too far away, eh.”

“It is far away.” Calum admitted, still staring down. He had started bouncing his leg, nervous tic coming out, and he bit his lip, looking for a way to calm himself down and also maybe not seem like a stupid kid. “I’m sorry I didn’t speak to you on the phone any of the times you called. It felt weird.” He offered, finally raising his gaze and finding Anahera smiling behind her mug of tea.

“I wouldn’t have wanted to talk to a stranger either.” She said after the swallowed, laughing shortly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t–” Calum tried again, but he was cut by his grandmother raising her hand.

“Nuh-uh.” She said sternly. “None of that.”

He closed his mouth slowly, eyebrows frowned. He really didn’t know how to talk to her, what he was supposed to say now. She didn’t want him apologising, she wasn’t exactly like any other older figure Calum had ever had in his life. He was completely out of sorts.

His eyes studied the kitchen in the silence that was hanging over them, finding hints here and there that spoke of someone that enjoyed cooking and specially baking. There were two new packs of flour on the counter by the pantry, some fresh fruit in a cotton bag next to them. Also countless tins and trays that could serve as decoration but Calum just knew they had to be used regularly.

So he just blurted out the first thing that crossed his mind.

“What’s your favourite thing to cook?” Anahera raised an eyebrow at him, and Calum just took the chance, asking for what he had really wanted to know since last week when he first arrived. “Also. Can you teach me how to make the cakes? I love them, and I’d love to bake them for mum when I go back.”

The smile that was tugging at his grandmother’s lips could only be described as immensely amused, but her eyes were kind and there was this warmth again, drawing Calum in. “Oh, _now_ we’re talking.” She said and clapping twice on the table she got up. “When you finish your late breakfast you’re helping me cook.”

It was Calum’s turn to smile, excitedly, as he hurried to gulf down on the remaining cake and tea as quick as he could so he could get to do just that.

* * *

“And then she said I wasn’t having any more Lamingtons until I could get the recipe right, can you believe it?”

“Yeah?” Ashton asked, a huge grin in his face that Calum didn’t think was appropriate for what he had just grunted out. No one should be banned from cake just because the first time he had tried to replicate the recipe had come out not so great looking. “Is she as stubborn as you?” The older smirked even harder, even though he tried to hide it behind his tea mug.

“I wish.” Calum scoffed, crossing his arms as he let himself fall against the headboard of the bed, his eyes falling to his lap. “She’s… just… infuriatingly… unpredictable.” He said between his teeth. Adding, “ _Weird_.”

Skype had a bad connection, but it was clear when Ashton broke out into laughter three seconds too late that it was because of the tirade of words Calum had just mumbled.

“What?” Ashton snorted covering his mouth as giggles continued to tumble out of it. “Weird? In what way?”

His giggles annoyed Calum a bit, but it had also been too long since he heard them coming so freely, so he allowed himself a moment to enjoy Ashton’s laughter, his own lips turning up at the sound. And then he sighed, his shoulders slumping as he frowned. “I just don’t know how a conversation with her will go. I can’t know what to expect, _at all_. I don’t have any pointers.” He tried.

Putting into words exactly what he felt wasn’t exactly easy, but Calum did his best. And then of course Ashton had the perfect answer to his problem.

“Maybe that’s because you don’t know her enough.” The older said reasonably, the laughter gone from his voice, but remaining in his expression.

“See? That’s exactly what she said to me!” Calum exclaimed. “Then she goes and asks me what my favourite colour is.”

“She sounds lively.” Ashton snorted again, his eyes shining even through the screen. Calum almost wanted to reach out to him, caress his face. But that would be weird, wouldn’t it?

“I guess so.” He mumbled in answer to Ashton, unavoidably pouting because of course Ashton had the answer and because he was too far away for Calum to kiss and hug.

“I’m happy you’re having a good time.” Ashton’s voice came through after a moment, his tone soft. Calum could picture the smile on his face even before he looked back up to the screen.

“I didn’t say I was having a good time.” He contradicted immediately. “I’m having an… okay time.” Calum mumbled, his eyes falling again to his lap where he started to pick on a loose thread of his tee.

“Cal.” Ashton said gently. “You don’t recognise it because it also infuriates you, but you love when someone challenges you. You _enjoy_ it, babe.”

Calum grunted. Then admitted in a low voice, almost grudgingly, “That’s true.”

Ashton giggled happily, the fond in his voice reaching Calum even through the Skype call. “I can also hear it in your voice. You sound happy.” He proceeded. And then he said something that made Calum look back up, stunned. “What colour?” Ashton asked.

Calum glanced away from him, his eyes widening when he realised, “I… I don’t think I see one.” He said slowly. “I…”

Calum hadn’t really stopped to think about it, he had been so focused on Prague and on not getting too attached it was almost like it had passed by him.

“Huh.” Calum mumbled, mind reeling.

He _loved_ his grandmother, no matter what he was trying to tell himself to keep himself at a distance. He _loved_ Gale and his cousins too. He loved _all of them_. Calum had even thought to himself no more than a few hours ago how the happy gurgles of baby Ana reminded him of the blue of the sky on a hot summer day. And remembered thinking as he was being buried in the sand that the twins were a mix of both their parents, greenish blue reminding him of the ocean.

The only one he couldn’t associate a colour with was Anahera, and it was weird. Almost like there was a block there, banning him from seeing what was on the other side. Calum wondered why. Was there something wrong? There had to be, right?

He shook his head, though, mind too tired after the whole afternoon at the beach. Better ponder difficult questions when he was bright and fresh, if that moment ever came. Instead he looked back up to the laptop’s screen where a worried Ashton was staring right back at him. Calum decided a change of topic would be best, so he smiled and asked, “How’re things there?”

Ashton squinted at him for a moment before he let out a little laugh. “Well, Luke’s still camping out in the living room, so there’s that.”

“How quickly you replace me.” Calum said mockingly offended. Then he broke out into giggles himself, smiling softly at Ashton when he sobered up. “I’m glad you two are spending time together.” He said with a soft smile. He could tell by Ashton’s expression that he really was enjoying having the blonde back there. And then he felt responsible for Luke’s previous sleepover having been more than four months prior. “I’m sorry I took that away.” He mumbled, biting his lower lip.

“You didn’t take anything away, Cal.” Ashton whispered back, wrapping the blanket closer to himself, the gold in it making Calum smile. “But yeah, it’s been nice. We’re marathoning Doctor Who.” He grinned excitedly at Calum through the screen, his eyes shining. “We’re trying to rewatch the last season before I have to go, because the premiere is on New Year’s.”

“Sounds nice.” Calum beamed back at him, unable to contain his smile when Ashton sounded this excited.

“I could do without the cat scratches, though.” Ashton frowned, holding up his arm to the camera and pulling the sleeve down, showing three bright red angry scratches down his forearm that made Calum widened his eyes in concern. “I got these trying to take him away from your telescope. He was intent on scratching it.” Ashton added.

“Thanks?” He said slowly, and then it hit him. “Wait, are you taking your allergy medication? How is Lucifurr even there? Are you okay?”

“I am.” Ashton laughed good-naturedly, clutching the throw closer. “I’m taking every precaution, don’t worry Cal.”

“Okay.” Calum said. He was still worried. Those scratches had to be quite deep if he could see them through the camera of Ashton’s laptop.

The older had grown quieter then, repositioning the laptop on Calum’s side of the bed so that the camera was showing their bedroom window. Then Ashton settled down onto his pillow, cutely yawning and rubbing his right eye behind his glasses. Calum wished he could be there with him.

There was this yearning in his chest, this tug, this feeling now that he didn’t have Ashton near. The first couple of nights it had been weird, the odd weight on his chest when he extended his arm in the bed in the middle of the night and Ashton not being there.

“I miss you in the mornings.” Calum whispered, snuggling against his own pillow and cushions behind his back, curling up on himself. “I don’t like waking up to an empty bed.”

“Miss you too.” Ashton whispered, smiling soft and sad. “Miss your smile.”

“Yeah?” Calum choked out, his voice suddenly thick.

Ashton hummed. “I love you, so _much_ , Cal. This place isn’t home without you.” The older said, and Calum felt a rush of tears in his eyes, tried to wipe them away with his shoulder.

“Don’t make me cry, Ash.” He laughed lightly, sniffling and trying not to let any more tears fall. “I love you too.”

“Home feels empty. I don’t like how silent everything is.” Ashton admitted quietly. “I’ve been playing your records all the time. Miss your singing.”

That made Calum’s eyes filled with even more tears, his heart wrenching in his chest at being that far away from Ashton. “We’re failing at this, huh?”

“We’re not.” Ashton assured him. “I reckon it’s normal.”

Calum hummed in answer. Could be normal. Yes, missing each other after having been living together for a while. It was normal that he missed Ashton’s good morning’s, and the casual touches whenever they crossed each other, and the sharing the space. Cuddling. Showering. The _sex_ , because yeah, Calum missed that too. But what wasn’t normal was that feeling he got, right? The way his chest hurt, the way it was harder to breathe whenever he woke up and Ashton wasn’t there… That couldn’t be normal. Calum woke up in their bed with Ashton not being there all the time whenever the older was on a night shift, and he didn’t stay awake, mulling over what could be happening to him.

“I’m scared it’s not normal.” He confessed in a low voice. “It’s been only a week, and I’m seeing you next week. And yet…” He said, looking up to find Ashton’s worried eyes staring right at him through the screen. “I don’t sleep well, Ash.” He finished, his fingers picking more viciously on a loose thread of his sleep tee.

“Because of the jet-lag?” Ashton arched his eyebrows.

“No, because you’re not in the bed. Because you’re not close to me.” Calum whispered, feeling naked under Ashton’s worried gaze. But then the corner of Ashton’s lips started to turn up, Calum making the connexion almost at the same time as him. “Go ahead, say the cheesy thing, I know you’re dying to.” He shook his head, smiling softly at the older.

“I’m always close, Cal. I’m in your heart.” Ashton said, and even with the cheesy words, Calum’s heart still swelled in his chest, warmth radiating all through his body. “Now that I’ve said it I realise it sounds worse out loud.” Ashton scrunched his nose.

“I loved it anyway.” Calum giggled softly, the love in his veins helping ease the weight in his heart.

Ashton closed his eyes bashfully, a thread of hair falling in front of them. Calum would have loved to be there with him, to comb it back, make Ashton smile and his eyes shine. Only eight more days.

“Where’s Mali?” Ashton piped in after a couple of minutes of silence.

Calum chuckled, turning the laptop around so that it framed Mali-Koa’s sleeping figure on the bed next to Calum’s before leaving it on top of his thighs again.

“She conked out early tonight. Babysitting plus the beach combo was a real nightmare.” He smiled, fondly looking over at her.

“You had a good time?” Ashton asked, the sleep in his voice making Calum want to finish the call to let him sleep in a bit longer -he _had_ said Luke and he had turned in at around 5 o’clock- as much as he wanted to keep talking to him. Soft and sleepy Ashton was Calum’s favourite version of him.

“I napped with Ana, that was good.” Calum recounted, the memory making him smile. They had played around on the sand for a while before she had started yawning, deciding to use Calum as a pillow. Mali-Koa had moved the umbrella so sun didn’t directly hit them and having the baby sleeping on top of him had made Calum feel so calm he had started to get sleepy too. Next thing he knew… “When I woke up I found I was being buried in the sand. By all three of the little monsters. Even _Ana._ “ He said indignant. “Nanna said she _liked_ me. I guess she was wrong.”

“She’s a _baby_ , Cal.” Ashton giggled, trying to cover his mouth behind his hand. “I’m sure she just saw her siblings having fun, and she just went for it.”

“Or she thinks I’m only good enough to sleep on.” Calum suggested.

“Well, that’s not a wrong impression of you.”

“Oi.”

* * *

“Hey.” Calum said, knocking on the door and opening it a bit.

Mali had gone up for a nap after lunch with a headache. Calum had stayed a while talking to Anahera, but he had made an appointment and he kind of needed Mali to be okay now because he kind of needed her to be there.

“Let me sleep.” Mali mumbled, rolling to the other side of the bed to hide from him.

“Are you better now?” Calum asked throwing himself on the bed next to her, looking at the ceiling.

“Yeah, just lazy.” Mali mumbled against the pillow.

“Great.” Calum said. “I have somewhere to be in like, 30 minutes. Wanna come with?”

He felt Mali rolling in her bed again and then she was frowning at him from above. “What are you…?” She trailed off, then squinted her eyes at him, swiping her gaze up and down a couple of times before she noticed his smirk. “Wait. You’re not… You’re not getting a tattoo, right?”

Calum beamed up at her from the bed, getting up quickly and grabbing his wallet and phone from the desk, walking up to the door.

“I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

Mali-Koa just stared at him, still frowning, before she shrugged and said, “What the hell. Okay.”

* * *

“Does Ashton know?” Mali piped in as they sat down on the waiting room, the receptionist saying it would only take a few minutes for the artist to finish his current appointment.

“It’s kind of… a surprise.” Calum admitted.

“Good thing he likes tattoos, then.” Mali snorted, shaking her head. Then she turned to face him, squeezing on Calum’s knee, whispering in a much softer tone, “It’s for him, isn’t it?”

Calum nodded curtly, not trusting himself to speak up with how his throat had suddenly closed in.

He started bouncing his leg, the excitement of a new tattoo filling him in. The clean smell of the place, the buzz of the needle in the cabin. It was weirdly calming for him. He had talked to Anahera about it too, wanting to make sure that it wouldn’t be crossing the line. After all, he hadn’t been raised in Māori culture, the last thing he wanted was to be disrespectful. But his grandmother had only smiled at the idea, her eyes shining.

“You’re sure you want to do this, right?” Mali-Koa asked after a few moments of silence, her hand still on Calum’s knee.

“Yeah, Mali.” Calum nodded. “I’m sure.”

He had emailed the artist a while back, asking if he would be free during the time he and Mali were going to be in town. When he had told him he had a space available, Calum hadn’t doubted for a second. He wasn’t nervous about getting tattooed, he had a high pain tolerance. He was just nervous because this was a major change and he hadn’t told Ashton anything. Yet another thing.

When he looked up, Mali-Koa seemed like she was indecisive, her expression serious. More serious than Calum had seen her lately.

“What?” He nudged her, wanting for her to just come out and say it. He could pretty much guess what she wanted to say given where they were and the last question she had raised. And when Mali spoke up, she confirmed his suspicions.

“Tattoos are, for the most part, permanent.” She said slowly, almost hesitant to bring it up.

“So is Ash.”

“I take it things are… pretty serious with you two, then?” Mali asked then, but she was starting to smile.

“There’s no ring if that’s what you’re implying.” Calum snorted.

“I wasn’t implying anything.” Mali defended herself. “But, I am really happy for you, Cal.” She beamed, throwing her left arm around him and pressing a tight kiss on his cheek.

Calum groaned, shaking her away, but he could only feel fondness. “You think this will work?” He asked looking around, biting his lip.

“I think it will look cool, yeah.” Mali nodded. “I like Ashton too, by the way.”

“Shut up.” Calum laughed, shaking her off and rolling his eyes.

“I mean it. He’s… You two are right for each other.”

Calum felt himself blush, scrunching up his nose. It wasn’t like he disagreed with Mali; it was just a bit weird to be talking to her about it so candidly. Yeah, they had shared their fair amount of gossip about their personal lives before, but never to an extent of proper _feelings_ , serious talk. Only stuff like crushes and such. Like before Calum had started dating Ashton for real, and perhaps during the first weeks, but when it got serious… Calum didn’t feel like sharing it, became shy whenever Mali-Koa asked him about it.

He reckoned it had all changed after his grandmother’s death. Calum used to rely on Mali a lot, used to babble about anything and everything happening in his life to her to an extend that made him blush nowadays. So it felt awkward to be talking like this again, and at the same time… it felt nice.

“So no ring?” Mali-Koa tried again, and she earned a soft shove from Calum, who just let out an embarrassed chuckle.

“No. It’s early for that shit, I think.” He muttered, frowning.

“But not too early for a tattoo?”

“ _Mali_.”

“Okay.” She surrendered, giggling. “I can be with you when you go ring shopping, though, right?”

“For that I would have to be earning _money_.” Calum snorted.

“What, like tattoos are cheap?” Mali snorted right back.

“Cheaper than good engagement rings.”

Aye, he had searched rings online already. Aye, he had been freaked out at the abnormal prices. Like what the fuck, world. Why did they cost so fucking much? It was like businesses put the word ‘wedding’ in front of whatever to just make money.

And Calum right now was kind of scrapping by, especially after the tickets to Sydney and back. That hadn’t been cheap. Probably could have found a ring for the same price as all the flights he had had to buy just to spend some time in Australia. And thank god Mali had insisted on paying for the tickets to Dunedin. Calum had to find _the_ greatest gift of all time for Christmas for her if he ever expected to measure up.

And given his financial situation, nope, no ring in sight yet. Besides, there was the thing about Prague, and he wouldn’t want to be away during the engagement. Scratch that, Calum didn’t want to be away from Ashton, period.

“What do you think about Prague?” He let out tentatively, waiting for Mali to answer.

“It’s a beautiful place, from what I’ve seen online.” Mali-Koa shrugged. “Great music, cute buildings. Nice research programs, right?” She asked. “Why do you ask?”

“I’m not sure I want to go.” Calum confessed.

He could tell by Mali’s expression that she wanted him to further that thought, but just then the artist Calum had been talking to for the past month came out to greet them, and then it was down to business.

They spent like an hour talking at first. The artist said the only way he could tattoo something on him was if he got to know Calum a bit first, to adapt the design. So Calum told him about Ashton, glad when the artist asked questions about them, their life together. And then he asked why he was at Dunedin from so far, and after Calum told him about visiting relatives here and about his grandmother and this whole other side of himself he hadn’t really gotten to know before, the artist suddenly stood up, smiling.

“I know what you need.” He said, his calm demeanor making Calum trust him.  
He drew the design directly on his skin, Calum trying not to watch, wanting the final tattoo to be a surprise. Calum had been following the artist’s work on instagram. He knew he would like the final result no matter what. His thoughts were reinforced when the artist started explaining the symbolism of the figures as he worked. So Calum relaxed himself, kept the conversation going for the sake of passing time and maybe even making friends.

Mali was allowed to stay in a chair that overlooked the cabin when the artist got to work with the needle so that they could talk. It was a blessing, because as the artist had told Calum over the email last week, it took about 4 hours to be completed. It would be a hell to sleep through when it started itching, too, due to the size of it, but Calum was giddy as heck with the result as he looked himself in the mirror after the session. The tattoo extended from part of his shoulder blade and wrapping over his shoulder, fitting quite nicely with the previous ink on his arm. It almost felt like it had always been missing, that it now completed the whole artwork on his skin.

“Happy with it?” Mali asked, the tiny smile pulling at her lips telling Calum _she_ was.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Love it.”

It always felt good, seeing a new tattoo on his skin. Getting to see his history in ink, made art on his body. Plus the symbolism of this one… it maybe was his favourite one yet.

He thanked the artist profusely, promising to send him a picture of it once it healed, and promising to stay in touch. Calum didn’t know when he would be down here next, but the artist often visited London for conventions, and after seeing his work, Calum was definitely considering keeping that detail in mind for his next appointments.

Mali invited him to an ice-cream on their way back, both of them strolling down to the beach and sitting down to people watch as they finished them. Calum had become extremely addicted to hokey pokey, and he was kind of ashamed to say he had been having at least one a day. His record had been a couple of days back, having left the house with barely any time before shop’s closing time just to get one more scoop.

It was a nice evening, the sea breeze not cool enough for Calum to be missing a jacket, and there was this sort of calmness to the whole setting that reminded him of Largs. Mali-Koa hadn’t breached the Prague subject again, but Calum knew she had to be mulling it over, because she kept stealing these glances at him from time to time, and her eyes were a bit worried.

She spoke up when Calum was finishing his ice-cream.

“So… You changed your mind about Prague? I thought you were excited.”

Calum took a deep breath, sighing as he swung his feet, looking down at the sand.

“I was. Am. I don’t know.” He said, probably confusing Mali even more. “I’m just not sure it’s _right_ for me.”

“Why?” She frowned. “It was research on Black holes, right? Your line of work?”

“ _Yes_. And it interests me, working on that, but I don’t know. There’s something about it that…” He groaned, frustrated. Couldn’t put it into words. Because that would mean opening a whole can of worms and Mali would insist they talk about it in depth and Calum didn’t want that. Plus, he wasn’t lying. There was something about Prague that just wasn’t making him feel as excited anymore, a weird feeling in his chest.

“So what other options do you have?” Mali asked after a moment of silence, and she sounded so worried that made Calum feel worse. He was already beating himself up about feeling like he did about Prague and the amazing opportunity it represented, he couldn’t do with Mali worrying over him too.

“I’m waiting on Birmingham.” He admitted.

“Okay, that’s one option. Any more?”

“Cavendish next year.”

“Cal.”

“Look, I’ll figure it out, okay?” He snapped, getting up from the wall and walking up to a nearby trashcan and throwing the tissue he had used to clean his hands from the melted ice-cream. “There’s no need to worry about me finding a job. I’m old enough.” He added as he took a seat next to her again, this time facing the sidewalk.

“Cal.” She said, her tone almost like Calum had hurt her. “I know you will find a job, there’s no doubt in my mind about it. I’m sorry I’m insisting on it so much. I just can’t help worrying.”

And that made him feel even worse, snapping at her. “I know. Sorry I snapped. I’m stressed about applications and that just came out wrong.”

“No, I get it. I was there, remember?” She nudged his leg.

And yeah, of course Calum remembered, because it had been the year he had stayed back at home. They had been together some part of that year, him watching Mali-Koa struggle to find a job until she happened upon a chance at the inn. But she had done well since then. Pretty well.

“I do remember.” Calum sighed. “It’s just… mum isn’t pressing on because she knows I will react badly, and dad seems to be happy I’m at least still working at the shop. But I can feel they’re both worried too, and it makes _me_ worry.”

“Don’t. Just do you, Cal.” Mali shrugged. “You know what’s best for you. At least historically speaking.”

“I wasted a whole year after secondary school, historically speaking.”

“Excuse you, you grew up a lot, you know? That’s not wasting it.” Mali disagreed, scoffing. “And whatever else we think or how we worry is just because we love you.”

“Yuck.” Calum couldn’t help it, he blurted it out, scrunching his nose before he started smiling softly. It wasn’t common that they voiced that stuff, him and Mali. Nor did him and his parents. It was always just a general feel, never translated into words. So even when saying it to like Michael and Ashton and stuff came easily to him, with them Calum was just… a bit uncomfortable. But he still loved them. “Love you too.” He finally mumbled, bashful when Mali shoved him lightly just to have her own ‘not accepting verbalisation of love’ reaction.

“Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.” She said after a few moments.

“Yeah, I guess.”

He could only hope so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! I was writing that note at the beginning with the little explanation for Alpha Centauri and I just had an idea. Would you be interested in me posting on tumblr tidbits of information after each chapter about things like that? Because this title has a special meaning, as do other bits inside the chapter that mayhaps don't come across in the writing.  
> Drop me a note if you'd like that 🙃  
> Also, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the chapter and if you have any guesses as to what's going to happen in this one! Always enjoy reading those :3  
> Thank you for reading! 💙💙💙


	3. TARDIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. More chapter notes at the end to kind of explain my absence from here.  
> I hope you enjoy the chapter, though!

The buzz made him almost jump out of his skin, as concentrated as he had been reading. Anahera had lent him a book about Maori legends when Calum had finished devouring The Foundation for the twentieth time, and it wasn’t surprising to say it had pretty much drawn him in.

He stretched his arm to get his phone and frowned when he saw it was from Luke.

**_I have a situation._ **

He really hadn’t been expecting anything since it was the middle of the night over at the UK and Ashton was supposed to be working a night shift. And it startled him even more than it came from the younger bloke, knowing he too was supposed to be working alongside Ashton.

Wait.

Shit.

He punched out the letters without even wasting a second, his heart on his throat.

_What kind of situation, Luke?_

_Is Ashton okay?_

_Shit._

_Can I call you?_

The minute or so as he waited for Luke to come back online and answer him was probably the longest in his life, his heart almost beating out of his chest and his mind reeling thinking about whatever could have happened. Why the hell had Luke not been clear in that first message?

Calum watched anxiously at the ‘Luke’s writing’ text on the top of his phone making him nervous because he was taking an awful lot of time.

**_Don’t panic._ **

Came the first message. And okay, nice of Luke to say, but Calum still wasn’t–

**_He’s okay, Cal. But he’s… shit. He’s not handling work well..._ **

****

_What does that mean?_

****

_Luke? What does that mean?_

He could see Luke was writing, but Calum couldn’t wait, so he just punched the call button, not caring if Luke was still in the middle of a busy hospital. He just couldn’t go telling people they were having a situation and not expect the other end to panic. That only got people on _panic_ mode.

“What the fuck’s wrong, Luke?” He asked, his heart in his throat as soon as the call connected.

“Ashton’s okay, I swear.” Luke hurried to say. He was indeed in the middle of the hospital if the noise of voices that came through Calum’s speaker was any indication. “He’s just had a nightmare that induced a bit of an...anxious reaction on him. Nothing to worry about.” Calum could only hear the word _nightmare_ resonating in his ears, once and time again. So loud that he almost didn’t register Luke’s quiet apology. “Sorry if I frightened you.”

Oh, he did. Calum chose not to address it though, Ashton was more important. “Can I speak with Ash? Is he on break?” And he hated the way his voice wavered. He was supposed to be the strong one in this. Ashton didn’t need him crumbling over the phone.

“He’s…” Luke trailed off, the bustle of the waiting room fading almost to nothing as Calum heard him closing a door after himself. “He’s waiting on the common room for the shift to be over so I can drive us back. Alistair didn’t want him working.” Luke whispered, his voice agitated. Calum could tell he was hurrying somewhere. “Give me a minute to get there.” Luke added, confirming his suspicions.

“Who’s with him? Is he alone?” Calum asked, this time more softly, worrying his lower lip.

“I think so. Sorry, it’s been a busy night, I had to go back out…” Luke trailed off, and Calum could tell he was trying to apologise to him. As in, he had done something wrong to hurt Ashton and he thought he should apologise to Calum. It made him realise he had been coming on a bit strong. Luke certainly didn’t deserve that. Not when he had single single-handedlybeen there for Ashton for that first whole year. He had nothing to apologise to Calum for.

“No need to apologise. I’m sorry I went all psycho on you.” He mumbled. “I’m just… I’m away, and I’m worried.”

“I understand. I’m worried too.” Luke answered, and that he was worried only made Calum worry even more. He was about to ask for more details when he heard another door opening and Luke saying calmingly, “Calum’s on the phone.”

He could even hear Ashton’s groan, him scolding Luke in a whisper that nonetheless was loud enough for Calum to hear. _‘Why did you tell him anything, Luke? Told you it wasn’t necessary.’_

It made Calum bite his lip in worry as he waited for Ashton to take the phone. The older tended to play these things down at first until he realised they were bigger than he had wanted to admit. It was a cycle.

The noise of someone grabbing the phone and placing it in their ear was a bit loud, or maybe Calum was just sensitive, but then he heard Ashton’s breathing clear as day and he was able to close his eyes and let go of a bit of his worry. If Ashton was breathing normally and calmly, then it probably hadn’t been one of his worst episodes. 

“Hey.” He whispered, trying to keep his tone soft.

“Hi, love. How’s it going? How’s your day?” Ashton asked, and it was clear, at least for Calum that he was trying to bury the waver on his voice underneath a bright intonation.

“It’s fine, I’ve been reading. I might go out later for a stroll before dinner, I think.” He said, thinking it was best to answer him first, not dive in directly.

“That sounds nice.” Ashton answered him, and okay, there was definitely something wrong with his voice.

“Ash?” Calum was hesitant to say any more than that.

“I’m okay, Cal. I promise.” Ashton said, but Calum wasn’t entirely convinced. It seemed like Ashton sensed it, because of course he did. “It wasn’t serious enough to call you.”

“It doesn’t need to be serious. I want to know.” Calum mumbled, letting himself fall against the bed and rubbing his face. “Luke scared me shitless. He said something about an anxious reaction. I don’t know what that means. Is that an attack?”

“It wasn’t a panic attack. Nor an anxiety one.” Ashton reassured him. “I woke up in a cold sweat and hyperventilating from the nightmare, but I was fine in a tick.” The explanation didn’t do anything to soothe Calum’s worries. There had been too many a night from those first months Ashton had woken up just like that, heartbeat fast enough to scare Calum and Ashton being seemingly unable to calm himself down.

“I’m fine, Cal.” Ashton repeated as if hearing his thoughts. “Please don’t worry, babe.”

“Of course I worry, Ashton.” Calum hurried, sighing after and clutching the bridge of his nose as he tried to take deep breaths. “I’m a fucking ten thousand miles away from you. When Luke said… I felt horrible, being away. Not being able to help.” He hated that his voice broke out at the end, unable to keep the emotion in. “It doesn’t have to be serious for you to tell me.” Calum repeated in a mumble.

“I would have told you, Cal.” Ashton said, his voice stronger now than before. “I don’t want you worrying about me while you’re away.”

“I worry anyway.” Calum let out a soft chuckle. “About you, mum and dad…” He trailed off. “Gosh, this place is just so far away… I don’t know how you manage it.” Calum concluded, sighing. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for Ashton. Being so far away from his mum and siblings all that time. Two _years_.

“It took time.”

Was Ashton’s only answer. Calum felt like he had tapped on a sensitive topic, so he redirected it to the one at hand.

“I’m sorry I’m not there.” He apologised, even when there really wasn’t any way he could be.

“It’s alright, Cal.” Ashton answered. For the first time in all the conversation, Calum could hear his smile through his voice. It calmed him a bit.

“You’re really okay?”

“Yeah, ship-shape.”

Calum laughed at Ashton’s readiness as a fond smile took hold of his lips. He rolled onto his right side, trying not to wince at his skin screaming at him to scratch it underneath the film dressing on his left shoulder. That was the worst thing about new tattoos, the healing process. He couldn’t wait to show it to Ashton, though.

He snuggled up to his pillow and tried to imagine Ashton there next to him. It calmed his heart a bit.

“Was it…?” He asked, leaving it open-ended and knowing Ashton would know he was referring to Bec. After all, those were the only nightmares that plagued Ashton’s mind that made him wake up in cold sweats and with his heart almost bulging out of his chest.

“Yeah.” Ashton admitted after a few seconds of silence.

“Shit, I wish I was there.” Calum whispered, his hand bunching up on the sheets underneath and squeezing until his knuckles turned white.

“I miss you too.” Came Ashton’s voice.

Calum held his hand in a fist for a few seconds, eventually releasing it and sighing at the same time. He was seeing Ashton in just five days. He would make it.

“Please call me when you’re home, Ash.” He whispered. “No matter the time. Just call me and we can Skype. I want to see you.”

“Didn’t you have that big dinner today?”

“I don’t care, you’re more important.”

“ _Cal_.”

Calum rolled his eyes at his tone even when he knew Ashton probably had a point. He still repeated himself. “It’s true. You’re more important.”

“But you won’t get to be back there for who knows how long.” Ashton complained. “You should enjoy your family while you can. You’ll have _me_ for so long you will end up sick of me.”

“I don’t see that ever happening though.” Calum chuckled softly.

He really couldn’t. He knew he was being a little bit clingy right then, that Ashton was right and he should focus on his family. But Calum just couldn’t. Same as it was impossible for him to think about a future in which he ended up sick of Ashton’s presence.

“I can call you, but only if I check with Mali first and your family’s still not there, ‘kay?”

“But–”

“Final offer, babe.”

“Fine.” Calum accepted, letting out a small chuckle. He knew he wasn’t going to get anything more from Ashton. However, he could add a clause to it. “But tomorrow I’m staying in bed all day and we’re talking about this. You know the nightmares get better if we–”

“Talk them out. Yeah.” Ashton cut him. “Love you, Cal.”

“Love you too.” He whispered back. “Try to get some sleep if you can. Luke still has a while left on the shift, right?”

“A couple of hours, yeah. And I’m perfectly capable of working, I don’t know why Alistair sat me out like a toddler.”

“Ash.”

“It wasn’t an attack. I just woke up hyperventilating. That’s all.” Ashton insisted, like he wanted to make that clear for Calum as if knowing he had only woken up hyperventilating was going to make him worry any less.

It wasn’t the time to bring it up again, Calum knew. That conversation was probably best had when they were back on the same room, same country, same _continent_ again, not with a phone or a screen and ten thousand miles between them. So he just resigned himself to saying goodbye for now.

“Hope you can rest a bit.” He said softly. “Night, Ash.”

“Enjoy your afternoon, babe. Love you.”

* * *

“What happened? I heard you on the phone, you sounded agitated.” Mali-Koa looked up as he entered the room.

“Ashton had a nightmare.” Calum informed her, hesitant whether to take a seat or not. But he _had_ gone down with the intention of talking it out with her, knowing if he stayed alone he would be consumed by his thoughts. Yeah. Better to talk it out.

“Oh. Is he alright?” Mali looked mildly concerned, and that made Calum finally decide to take a seat.

“He told me not to worry. Insisted that he’s fine. But he woke up from his break nap in a cold sweat and hyperventilating. That’s not nothing, Mal.” Calum bit his lip as he waited for her to voice her opinion on the matter, which didn’t take very long.

“I don’t know, Cal. If Ashton said he was fine, shouldn’t you trust that?”

“He didn’t sound _fine_.” He said, biting his tongue. The tone of his voice at the start of the conversation had sent a chill down Calum’s spine. And even though Ashton had begun sounding more like himself as their conversation went on, Calum was still worried. “He even told me he wouldn’t Skype me today just because we have dinner with Gale and his family.” He muttered as he reached for a cushion, bunching his hands on it and holding it close to his chest.

“Maybe you should give him time?” Mali offered, repositioning herself on the couch so she could better face him, tucking her legs under her. “Maybe he just needs to sleep it off, Cal. He _was_ working the night shift, right?”

Calum nodded, his eyes falling to the floor, slumping his shoulders.

“I’m sure he’s okay, Cal.” Mali tried to sound reassuring, but Calum could read the hint of concern still in there. It made him equal parts happy that Mali was this worried about Ashton and sad that he had to witness it because of the situation. “Even if he’s not completely fine, Luke’s with him. Michael’s there too.”

“Aye, and I’m not.” Calum whined low in his throat, reaching up to his hair and tugging in frustration. He hated being away when Ashton was going through something like that. Hated feeling powerless to stop it from happening, or not even stopping, but helpless about not being _there_ for him to lean on.

Mali reached for his knee, leaving her hand there and waiting for him to raise his gaze.

“You can’t always be there, Cal.” She said softly.

“I can _try_.”

Something flashed in her eyes that Calum wasn’t able to register before a mask of fond slid over them.

“Nanna’s waiting for you at the kitchen by the way.” Mali-Koa said gently, a small smile tugging at her lips. “You said you wanted to help cooking and I think she needs a sous-chef.”

“She does?” Calum let out a surprised chuckle. And then he frowned, lowering his voice. “Even after the Lamingtons disaster?” He whispered, his eyes glancing over to the kitchen’s open door.

“Yeah.” Mali laughed, rolling her eyes at him.

Calum grinned, letting the enthusiasm of learning new recipes from there take hold of his mind. It was true that he couldn’t stop the worry about Ashton being so far, but he couldn’t let it freeze him up, right? That was probably what Mali-Koa was thinking when she looked at him that way. Plus, cooking was a good way to clear out his mind for the two hours Ashton left until Ashton went home. Better spend them learning something new.

When he finally got up and walked to the kitchen Anahera looked busy cutting up some sweet potatoes. 

“Mali said you were looking for me?” He asked, not knowing if he should just grab a towel and get to help her. Sous-chef and all that.

“Calum. Yes. You’re in charge of baking.” She nodded, not even taking her eyes up from the cutting board.

“Baking what exactly?” He asked hesitantly, squinting his eyes even though he knew his grandmother couldn’t see him.

“Second chance to get it right.” His grandmother declared, turning to look at him with a big smirk on her face.

* * *

“Come on, come on, come on. Pick up.” Calum muttered to himself as he took the stairs up a couple of steps at a time, hurrying to his room for his laptop.

He had been so immersed in getting the recipe right and talking with Anahera that he hadn’t felt his phone vibrating against his hip when Ashton texted him he was home. That had been half an hour ago, and now the older was taking too much time to answer and it was making Calum nervous.

Just when Calum was about to give up, he heard him pick up the phone on the other end. “Shit, I’m really sorry Ash. Fuck, I didn’t hear the texts. I’m sorry, baby. I hope you’re okay though, please tell me you’re okay?”

There was a weird silence after he finished his tirade. And then he heard a familiar cough on the other end, but it wasn’t Ashton. “Yeah… Um…” Luke said, and Calum could tell the blonde was wincing. “You just missed him, Cal. Sorry.”

“What?”

“He went to sleep. I made him leave his phone out here so he _would_ sleep. He looked like he needed rest.” Luke said apologetically. “Your sister told him you were busy.”

“Oh.” Calum let out, his breath finally catching up to him. Fuck, Mali. Couldn’t she have just come into the kitchen and tell him? He walked the rest of the way to his bed calmly and took a seat, sighing. “He’s not okay, is he?”

“I’m not overly worried.” Luke stated instead of answering him.

“But you _are_ worried.”

“He just looked tired.” The blonde dodged again. “Cal, don’t worry. It was a hard, complicated shift. I believe he just needs rest.”

Calum hummed, his left hand playing with what had started as a loose thread on his sleeping tee a week ago and was now a giant hole. Kind of a testament to his increased nerves. And then his brain processed one part of what Luke had told him.

“Hard shift, you say?” He asked cautiously, the detail making his mind spiral, a chill going down his spine as a thought popped into his mind about what could have probably sent Ashton down memory lane.

“We had someone brought in with a cardiac arrest. They didn’t make it.” Luke’s clipped tone told Calum he hadn’t been wrong.

He could only sigh, mentally kicking himself for having had his phone on silent, specially when he had promised Ashton they would talk about it. Calum felt like trash. This was why being away sucked. And Calum was beginning to compile a list of things he hated about it, the items on it having long past outnumbered the good things.

“Look, it’s normal. And we have policies in place so this doesn’t happen, Cal.” Luke told him. He sounded tired too. “Ashton should have been nowhere near that case.”

“What happened, then? Why was he allowed to…?”

“We’re short on staff.” Luke mumbled. “I should’ve been quicker telling Alistair, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise, Luke. You were working.” Calum hurried to reassure him.

“Yeah, but maybe if it had been me, the nightmares wouldn’t be back.” Luke tsked.

Calum sighed, the weight on his chest increasing as the feeling of being far from Ashton heightened until it was difficult to breathe. He should’ve been there. But it wasn’t Luke’s fault. It wasn’t even Calum’s. At least Luke was there for him now.

Ashton’s last ‘episode’ had been long before Calum moved in with him, around July. The dark-haired boy had been awakened by Ashton thrashing in the bed, his hair clinging to his head with cold sweat as Ashton mumbled incoherently. Calum hadn’t felt any more useful than he had back that first time last December and had only been able to hold him through it and wait until Ashton woke up. Now that he was so much further away, it felt even worse.

Calum didn’t want to imagine them being back, not with how they left Ashton, a haunted look in his eyes that didn’t belong there anymore. The older had worked through it, but Calum knew that sometimes brains didn’t exactly cooperate and brought out memories long accepted and made them fresh again at a moment’s notice.

“We don’t know they’re _back back_. It could be just an unrelated episode.” Calum mused out loud, letting himself fall in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He had said so, and he prayed that was the case, but he couldn’t help but dread the other scenario. That the nightmares _were_ back.

“Let’s hope that’s what it was.” Luke whispered back, letting out a yawn. He tried to cover it, though, making Calum laugh.

“Mate, if you’re tired, just hung up. I get it.” He chuckled, shaking his head.

Luke and him had gotten into friendly terms over the past few months, and yet there was this sense of politeness still hanging over them. Calum wondered if it was his problem, because Luke had fit right in with Michael.

“I’m tired, yeah. But I don’t know if I want to go to sleep. Not until I make sure Ashton’s okay.”

“You’re going to burn yourself out, Luke.” Calum tsked. “Just go to bed, you need the rest too.”

But it seemed like Luke was having none of that, chuckling and asking right after. “How’s it going over there? Ashton tells me it’s been nice.”

“Yeah, it has. It’s not what I expected, but it’s nice.” Calum laughed. Over the past days he has hung out a bit more with his grandmother, the weird feeling almost fading to nothing the more he got to know her. “I’m learning new recipes, I will invite you all after New Year’s.”

“Looking forward to it! You can use me as a tester anytime you want, you know that.” Luke said excitedly. Calum laughed. Luke still stumbled over himself to praise his cooking, something Ashton did too, but coming from someone else… Calum couldn’t help if he liked the way Luke’s feedback fed his ego. “Hey, do you want to brainstorm for gift ideas this year? Because last year you saved my ass with the coffee travel mug.” Luke said, cutting into his train of thought.

“Oh crap.” Calum said, his eyes widening. “Oh _fuck_.”

He had been so wrapped up in his anniversary first and then with coming to New Zealand that he had forgotten about Christmas. Well. Not forgotten _forgotten_. Because he already had sent part of one gift ahead of time to his parents’ house for Ashton. But he had wanted to add something else to it and he had totally forgotten.

“By your voice I guess you need this as much as I do.” Luke snorted.

“Kinda, yeah.” Calum muttered. “Are you really going to stay awake until Ashton wakes up?”

“I want to, yeah. Had two coffees when we got here with that purpose in mind.”

“Ashton made coffee?” Calum squeaked, his heart going to his throat. “He gets _worse_ with caffeine about the whole nightmares stuff. I swear he doesn’t even _think_ , sometimes.”

"I know." Luke chuckled softly. "But don't worry, that's why _I_ had two coffees. Drank his and told him to go to sleep it off." Luke reassured him, laughing softly.

"Thanks." Calum sighed, relieved. "So, should we brainstorm now?"

* * *

Sooner than Calum would have liked his time at Dunedin came almost to an end. And, predictably, he had started regretting his own actions. Having wasted his first days keeping everyone at an arm’s length had been a stupid tactic. He had known those days, under surface level, that what he was doing was stupid. He was conscious. But he hadn’t been able to stop himself. It was a behaviour so ingrained into his own self that Calum didn’t know where anxiety ended and his own personality begun.

Now every time he talked to his grandmother he could feel time ticking by in his ears, the hourglass running out of sand.

He had done the numbers once after watching an advert about it. Had calculated how many days a year he saw his parents, Mali, multiplied it by how many years they could still have together. The results were… Calum had been scared half to death. And the chances he would have to meet Anahera again, Gale, the kids… those numbers were even worse.

It was difficult not to feel sad thinking about leaving the next day for Sydney. Mali-Koa was staying behind until the 23rd when she would fly back home, so she had more time. But Calum’s was running out, and it felt like it was doing so _fast_.

It was just worse right then because he was packing everything down in his suitcases while Mali was sitting down by the desk, eyes scanning page after page of the newspapers that were following the results of the election back home. Which Calum would have loved to be doing right alongside her, but he had to finish packing by lunch time.

Gale had suggested an outing to a nearby camping site during the afternoon, excited grin as he told Calum about how great the view up there was. How clear the skies were if they stayed after sundown. It had made Calum stop still for a second, almost overwhelmed by the simple fact that his uncle had taken his passion into consideration. Organised a whole family outing just for him to get to see the stars properly on his last night. It was heartwarming in the most bittersweet way.

 _Bittersweet_.

The word made him still again in the present. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, his hands halfway to folding a t-shirt. Bittersweet, like he had told Ashton last year. Bittersweet like _Christmas_. Being here, leaving. Yeah. Everything was heightening that bittersweet feeling inside his chest. It felt more like a regretful sadness than the nerves that had been plaguing him just moments prior. As if by merely arriving to the word had calmed him down from the inside. Or maybe it was just the memory of Ashton, sleep soft on that Christmas afternoon, what had soothed him.

Calum was sad to leave, but he couldn’t deny he was missing Ashton like crazy. That he couldn’t wait to see him again. But Calum knew, that as much as he wanted to see Ashton again, the following days were for the older to enjoy his family. Just as Ashton had stepped back during his stay at Dunedin so Calum would enjoy his time to the fullest, Calum knew he would do the same in Sydney. It was what the older needed, Calum knew. Time alone with his family.

He had seen the way Ashton’s smile turned sad after he hung up calls to his mum, how he went quiet and retreated into himself for a while after a talk with Lauren about her starting university. Ashton needed them, needed to be back with them, _just_ them for a while. Calum had tried to convince him of it before they secured their plane tickets, of he himself arriving at a later date so Ashton could catch up properly with them without Calum being there. The older wouldn’t had any of it.

And after the plane ticket shit-show trying to get some that arrived at the same time at Sydney and finding none that wouldn’t cost them a kidney, Calum was arriving a day early. The irony of that. Ashton was the one that needed time, and Calum was the one that got it. Thrown to the wolves a day early, as if it were. Everything was backwards.

Calum finished up folding the t-shirt, one of Ashton’s, and placed it gently inside his bigger suitcase, sighing as he looked around and found nothing else to pack. He had gone through the pile almost automatically and without noticing, as lost in his thoughts as he had been. He closed the lid and took a seat on the bed, resting his elbows on his knees and rubbing his face.

There was a storm raging on outside, but Gale had assured him it was just a summer rain, that it would clear up by the time they reached the lake. The rumble of the thunders made Calum think back to home. But he hadn’t heard them in a while. Perhaps Gale was right, and it would pass soon enough.

Mali-Koa was still almost obsessively refreshing some newspaper website, waiting for the results of the election. She and Calum had voted by post before leaving, and even though they weren’t there, it was nerve-wracking. Waiting. Calum was pretty much sure what would come off it, but Mali had kept checking, expecting some kind of change.

“You still refreshing the page?” He asked after a while of observing her.

“I just can’t believe that’s it. How could this happen?” She muttered under her breath, her eyes never leaving the screen. Her question made Calum laugh.

“It happened ‘cause the world’s fucked up.”

“Cal.” She turned to him, frowning.

“What? It’s not swearing if I’m accurate.” He raised his hands in defence. “It’s like the fires over at Sydney. And no one doing anything to stop it before it gets worse when proper summer hits.”

Mali eyed him for a moment before sighing, “I know.” Her eyes glanced down to the bed, and then back up, “Are you all packed up?”

“I think so. If I leave something here, you can always throw it with your luggage.” He smirked.

“I have enough stuff of my own.” Mali grumbled. But Calum pouted at her, knowing she would crack eventually. She always did with things like these. “Fine. I’ll do a sweep of the room when I’m packing.”

“Thanks.” Calum beamed at her.

The smile didn’t hold on too long, though. He frowned as he looked back down to his suitcase, the most telling manifestation of his little time left there. The sand was running out.

“So, how are you feeling?” Mali’s voice cut through his thoughts.

“About what?” He asked, perhaps too quickly. He felt like a deer caught in headlights. Didn’t really expect Mali-Koa to actually call him on it again. He expected her to pick up on it alright. Living in close quarters for two weeks and knowing him like she did it was impossible she hadn’t noticed it. But Calum wasn’t expecting her to call him on it this time, not after last week and certainly not when he had stopped avoiding Anahera and Gale and their cousins.

Mali was eyeing him wearily, but she tsked and let out a small laugh, shaking her head. “I meant about meeting Ashton’s family.”

“Oh.” Calum muttered. “ _That_.” He fully turned to face her, bitting his lip. “I’m a bit nervous, but it’s not like I haven’t met them over Skype.” He shrugged.

Apparently it was not that convincing, because Mali frowned at him. “Yes, but this is different.”

Calum shrugged again. Yeah, he was a bit nervous, but meeting Ashton’s family was not on his high list of worries at the moment. It was more like dull nerves, hidden at the back of his mind.

“It will be a bit nerve-wracking being alone with them for a day, but they seem nice enough. They’re Ashton’s _family._ “

“You’re right.” Mali nodded with a smile. But there was something on her eyes that told Calum he wasn’t off the hook just yet. He had to glance away, not able to hold her gaze for long. “Cal, should I have asked you about something else?”

Calum felt his mouth suddenly dry up, and he tried swallowing past the knot on his throat, but it was kind of impossible. Also, his heart had started hammering inside his chest and he almost rolled his eyes at himself for reacting like this to a simple question. It wasn’t like he was hiding anything, so there was nothing to get nervous about.

“Cal?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” He said quickly, shaking his head, looking back up “My head’s just being at a weird place lately, with what being away from home and Ash, and getting to meet Nanna.”

Mali kept her frown, stepping around the bed and taking a seat on the edge of hers facing him. Calum took a deep breath, closing his eyes before exhaling and looking away, trying to build up the courage to force his words out.

“It’s just… Being here has brought up some feelings about Nan and they were messing with my head.”

He heard Mali sighing and glanced up just enough to see her nodding almost imperceptibly. He didn’t meet her eyes though, looked back down to the floor.

“I miss her too, Cal.” She whispered.

“It’s not only that.” Calum blurted out. Which was unexpected, given that he hadn’t really been planning on telling anyone what was going on in his mind. Not until he could talk to Ashton face to face. But something pulling in his chest made him want to confess these feelings to Mali. Just to have someone sensible tell him they had only being brought up because of all the other stuff happening around him. “It’s messing with my mind. Thinking about being away. I was away when…”

“You couldn’t have helped that, Cal.” Came her reply, softly. But her tone was firm. It made Calum look back up to her. She was dead serious, her eyes set as she faced him. “You can’t live your life with that fear.”

“I _know_.” And honestly, yeah. He knew. Rationally. He had told Ashton a million times, ‘ _we can’t let our lives go by just because we’re scared’_. So he _knew_. But knowing was one thing and getting to tame the beast growing inside of him was another. And it grew more each day passing. “That’s why I said those feelings were messing with my brain.”

“This is why you kept yourself isolated the first few days here.” Mali said, and it wasn’t a question, but Calum still nodded. “Why didn’t you come to me sooner?”

Calum shrugged. He hadn’t intended going to anyone. He would just deal with it alone, or shove it into a corner of his mind until he could untangle it all later. Plus, Mali wasn’t exactly his go-to person anymore. She hadn’t been since exactly their Nan’s death.

He saw Mali standing up and next thing he knew she was sitting next to him, reaching up to comb through his hair a bit, her lips twitching upwards just a smidge when she caught his eyes. She didn’t say anything else, just let her arm fall around his shoulders and squeezed him close in a sideways hug, remaining like that for a little while. Calum felt an ease in his chest he hadn’t felt in a while, and he breathed in deep.

The past few days he had grown used to Mali’s presence in his life again, as well as Anahera’s. They still weren’t as close as before. But Calum was brought back to the days they still lived together back at the house, fighting over computer time, having stupid little spats over the most trivial things. He missed that. Missed his childhood. And being together with Mali again… it had brought it back if just a smidge. But his childhood was covered completely in a rich blue tint, memories of their Nan chasing them around the house as they tried to hide away cookies in a stash.

Cooking with Anahera had been good, had helped him smooth things out. Get to know her. But same as his relationship with Mali and their childhood was blue, cooking was too. Calum felt amazing learning new stuff, getting to laugh and hear Anahera’s stories, but there had also been that same rich blue peaking behind every corner, hiding at the corner of his eye. His Nan’s memory was everywhere.

Calum had thought he had worked through it, he had grieved, had moved on. His Nan’s memory was always surrounding him, but Calum hadn’t felt like this in a long time. Had learnt to appreciate her blue for what it was: a gift. The chance to remember her. But now it randomly brought a weird feeling onto his chest sometimes when it creeped about. And it wasn’t the raw pain after loosing her, nor was it dull. It was like a hovering feeling of _wrong_ hanging all over him whenever he did anything.

“It’s just… it’s just messing with my head.” He repeated, in a voice so low he wasn’t really sure Mali-Koa had heard him. She squeezed him closer, though, so he supposed she had.

“Wanna play a round of Timeline?” She suddenly asked, releasing him and getting up already heading for her things left on the desk.

“You always beat me at it. Why would I?” Calum chuckled. He was a bit puzzled at the sudden change of topic, but he would embrace it anyway.

“Come on.” She grinned at him, coming back to her bed and opening the box, patting the free side of it for him to sit down. 

“Okay.” Calum agreed eventually, after watching her shuffle the cards a few times.

Mali-Koa had always been best at knowing when not to push him to talk, and when he needed a distraction more than he needed to talk. Calum felt his love for her multiply in a second, launching himself to the other and encasing her a tight hug. She seemed taken aback for a second, but she returned it quickly, nonetheless.

“So, who starts?” He coughed out when Mali drew away from him, smiling at her and trying to act like his sudden gust of mushiness hadn’t happened.

“You’re the youngest, you know you start the game.”

Calum rolled his eyes at her, grabbing the cards she was handling him and starting to arrange them how he thought was the correct order. When he glanced up, he saw Mali smirking, a smug smile telling him she wasn’t going to go easy on him, no matter what just happened a moment prior. He had missed that too. Had missed just having Mali-Koa as a friend, and not just her in her obsessive older-sister-worry mode. This was going to be fun.

* * *

“So, Cal, how did you enjoy your time with us?” Gale piped in from his place at the table.

The kids had gone to the shore again with Elle and Mali after a light supper, and Anahera was sitting down on picnic chair a few meters away from them.

“It was good.” Calum smiled to him, looking down at his hands and repeating it to himself in a sigh, “It was good.”

“I’m glad, kid.”

Calum sent him another smile, taking a sip of his coke before setting it down on the table.

The twins were holding little Ana’s hands, and her delighted gurgles reached them even when they were far away for them to get lost in the noise coming from the rest of the campers. Calum had spent the afternoon with them, playing in the lake. But mostly talking. Lucy had a very vivid imagination, and after a little nudge from Mali-Koa telling them about the Loch Ness monster, she had spent her afternoon waddling in the water and trying to convince her brother to fight the monster with her. Kit was a bit more shy, a bit less chaotic unless he let himself follow his sister. They reminded Calum of Mali and him when they were little. Even when Mali was too old to want to pay her annoying little brother attention, she had still made a lot of time for him.

Calum had eventually been dragged on to fight with Lucy too, but he hadn’t been of much use with his tat still fresh and his inability to go into the lake. Kit had joined him after a while of splashing in the water. He was a quiet kid, which hadn’t surprised Calum much at the start. When your twin had the energy to bring every attention beam to her, Calum supposed you tended to stick to the calm stuff whenever you could. What had surprised him, though, had been the way the lad had started talking to him after a while of being there. Just unprompted. And like he was one of his best friends. A long rant about some stupid assignment he had to get through for summer school, and then questions about Calum’s life, with some odd jokes sprinkled in between that had had Calum laughing for minutes a time. His humour had kind of reminded him of Michael, too. So maybe the kid was not that much like himself.

It was heartwarming to see how easily they had both warmed up to him, though. He was virtually a stranger when he arrived, but kids didn’t pay that any mind, did they? They just went along with it. Calum envied them. It had been a while since he felt like a kid striking up a friendship so quickly. Last time it had been Ash.

“Your kids are amazing.” Calum breathed as he kept looking at them. He hadn’t intended to say it out loud, but it was true.

“You and Mali aren’t so bad yourselves.” Gale chuckled, smiling at him when Calum turned to face him.

“Yeah, Mali’s alright.” Calum nodded. “Don’t know ‘bout me.” He added under his breath.

If Gale heard his comment, he didn’t show, because he took another sip from his water and turned back to look at the kids.

Sun was beginning to fall, everything that golden colour that reminded Calum of so many other sunsets with Ashton. But being back in front of a lake at this time of the year… It just brought back a specific feeling. Love, filling him up, warming him protectively from the slight breeze. He was missing Ashton, but it was a matter of hours now, well, a day and a half, until he saw him. Besides, he was feeling at home, too. The day had been amazing, the colours too bright to focus, sun peeking out after that morning’s storm and staying out all afternoon. Just as he told Gale, it had been _good_.

His mind was still messed up by memories being brought back to life, but… There had been such a change from his confused feelings upon touching land two weeks prior to the state he was in now. He loved these people. And even though it was his last day with them, Calum didn’t think it would be long before he saw them again.

He had promised himself while Kit rambled to him, while Luce tried to get him into the water. He had promised himself watching little Ana right then, giggling happily at the waves coming up to her, as if she was experiencing it all for the first time. He promised himself when his eyes glanced away from the kids and towards Anahera, with her eternally placed light blanket on her legs, her eyes following the younger ones on shore. He was coming back. He would save the money however he could. Calum didn’t want to not be witness to the kids growing up. Didn’t want to make the same mistake he did with his Nan. Didn’t want to not even consider the possibility of time passing.

Time would pass, was he ready or not. And meanwhile in his own career he had no fucking clue what he wanted to do… This… This was clear. As clear as Ashton. He needed to be with these people. He wouldn’t take them for granted.

Anahera caught him looking and sent him a smile, her eyes twinkling. Calum still couldn’t place her, couldn’t fully grasp her personality. She still surprised him every time they talked. But that was just it, right? He was always in pursuit of _knowing,_ _understanding_. He had told that exact same thing to Ashton last year. He found beauty in comprehending. But he had been wrong. It wasn’t the understanding part. It was the getting there. That’s what attracted him. To space, to black holes, to Ashton even. Sydney was still for the most part an unknown part of the older's intricate puzzle. And Calum wasn’t scared of it. He didn’t know why he had been scared of getting to know Anahera.

Well. He did. He did know. But like he had told Mali earlier that day, old feelings were messing with his head. Mixing with the new. And Ashton had been right too. He loved the unknown. He feared it, yeah. But everyone did.

Those past few days, though... Letting himself be, getting to know not only his grandmother, but Gale, a wonderful father of three, quick to joke but serious enough when the time required it. His cousins… Both hurricanes in their own ways, their lives so full of possibilities…

Calum knew that overcoming that fear was clue for him to grow. Right then, still being there with them, it seemed easy. But he couldn’t speak for his own mind the next day when he boarded, the following week, the following month. Calum knew it for what it was. He was happy and content just then, at that moment. So he tried not to think of what was coming in the future apart from his reunion with Ashton. 

“You’re a good kid, Calum.” Gale’s voice cut through his thoughts. “At first, I thought you were shy. Like when I met you back in Scotland, when you were about Lucy and Kit’s age. You barely spoke to me on that visit.”

“I was a _shy_ kid.” Calum admitted with a chuckle. He didn’t really know where Gale was going with it, because he hadn’t turned his gaze away from the lake.

“Joy told me about your grandmother when it happened. It just never seemed like a good time to call you and Mali. Not a thing to do over the phone, you know.” Gale swallowed, biting his lip. Calum frowned. His memory of the time was a bit hazy. People had called, but he couldn’t exactly recall who. It was like the feelings and the stress, and time had buried it all underneath a thick layer of dust. “I remember you were close with her. I’m sorry.” Gale said.

Calum just nodded, taking a sip of his own drink and glancing away from him. “By the time they diagnosed the cancer, it was far too late for treatment, with her age. Nothing we could’ve done.” Calum shrugged.

He had accepted that part of it long ago. His issues with her passing, however still affecting his everyday life, weren’t with the why. They were more of the self-loathing kind, lately. They had progressed into that with time. Time enough to think about all the opportunities he had to spent time with her that he hadn’t.

“Still don’t make it easy.” Gale said.

This time, Calum did look up to him.

“No, it doesn’t.” He agreed, a sad smile pulling at his lips for a second. “I’m going to go check on Ashton, excuse me.”

Calum got up and away from the table before his uncle could really react, trying to get away from the conversation. One conversation with Mali about it that morning had been enough to rattle his thoughts. He didn’t want to tarnish the day with thoughts of his Nan. Not when it had been so special on its own.

Checking on Ashton had been an excuse, but it wasn’t exactly completely unexpected of him. Mali-Koa had rolled her eyes at him being on the phone checking on Ashton ‘ _even more than usual’_. And well, since the nightmare, Calum was worried, and that had translated into checking in on Ashton every few hours. He just didn’t want to fuck it up again and not be available to talk if Ashton needed him.

The sky was turning a pretty orange with pink wisps here and there, and Calum took a picture, thinking it would be nice to send to him. He smiled softly when he realised Ashton was probably still fast asleep and wouldn’t wake up at least for another hour.

_Sunset's reminding me of you. Wish we could share it._

Ashton’s reply came quicker than he expected, which made Calum frown a bit. What was he doing up? If he had done the math right, it was supposed to be around 8am back home. And it was Ashton’s day off before taking the plane that night. He should have been asleep.

**_Looks beautiful, babe. We’ll have a sunset to share in a couple of days._ **

****

He didn’t read any different than always, so Calum just wrote back, not wanting to think the worst about why he could be awake.

****

_Yeah. Can’t wait to see you._

**_Enjoy your night, Cal. We’ll talk tomorrow. Love you._ **

****

_Love you._

He locked his phone and pocketed it again. Ashton hadn’t said it explicitly, but he had gently nudged him again towards his family. It made him smile. Ashton knew what it was like being away from family. Maybe that was why he was so insistent that Calum enjoyed his time there. Or maybe he knew him enough to know Calum would regret not appreciating what little time he had left with them after those first days of actively avoiding them. Whichever way, it made him feel the love and consideration Ashton had for him.

He didn’t want to go back to the table, though, mood a bit weird after the admittedly harmless conversation with Gale. So he chose to walk towards his grandmother, taking a seat next to her chair and smiling at her arched eyebrows.

“What?” He asked when a few seconds passed and she didn’t say anything.

“You look upset.” She let out, always direct to the point.

But this time it made Calum chuckle. “I’m not. Well. Not _really_.” He answered, to what she just arched her eyebrows even more. “Ashton and I, we have this thing.”

“Oh, a _thing._ “

Calum chuckled at the tone but continued explaining. “Last Christmas, well. Before that, when we met. He was listening to Michael Bublé’s Christmas album, and I told him–. Wait, Michael Bublé is this singer that–”

“I know who Michael Bublé is, Calum.” His grandmother cut him, chuckling to herself. “I don’t live under a rock. That album’s everywhere during the holidays. Go on.” She smiled encouragingly.

“I told him my favourite song was Blue Christmas, but the Elvis version. He said, ‘ _Isn’t that song kind of sad?’_ and I just automatically answered him _‘Isn’t that the definition of Christmas?’_. And for me it _is_. Holidays are just… not entirely happy. They’re just bittersweet.”

“ _Oh_.” Anahera smiled, her eyes understanding, and her hand reaching for Calum’s and squeezing it.

“I’m not upset. I’m just… Feeling like that right now, too.” Calum scrunched up his nose, squeezing her hand right back.

The last rays of the sun were hitting her glasses just so that when she turned slightly the reflection on them hid them from Calum, but he had been able to see the same mistiness in her eyes that was clouding his.

They stayed like that probably long enough that they should have broken the silence. After all, stars were even beginning to shine faintly on the horizon and the noise of the camping had started to tune down, when the people who had only come to spend the day started leaving. It was peacefully, watching the colours change in the sky and the water below. Beautiful, even. From time to time, Anahera squeezed her hold on his hand lightly, taking a deep breath and letting it go slowly.

Mali-Koa and Elle had taken the kids back to the public bathrooms when the sun started disappearing, but Calum stayed where he was. Maybe he should have been helping Gale put everything away or helping Mali and Elle, but he just stayed put where he was. It was kind of late for the kids to still be up, but Gale had told him they were staying there until the stars came out. That was the point of the whole day out.

And of course Calum had gone out with Mali their second day there to get a glimpse at the sky, but Dunedin was still a city, and light pollution hadn’t allowed room for much. He didn’t have any of his telescopes with him, but Calum was still excited. He had checked the light pollution map before coming, making sure their spot was going to allow them a good viewing. Calum didn’t have his any of his equipment, but he could try to teach Kit and Luce some constellations. That was always fun. And it would be a good way of familiarising himself with a sky he didn’t know.

His thoughts went back fondly to last Christmas Eve, Ashton in his arms. It had been a cold night, but Calum had felt none of it, teaching Ashton everything about the Northern sky. Gosh, how he wished Ashton could be there so he would be the one he was talking to about it. But no. The older had told him, and Calum had decided. That night was for him to focus on his family. And that’s what it would be.

* * *

“Here.” Mali handed him a blanket when she came back from wishing Elle and the kids a good night as they left the camp.

It was still early, for Calum’s standards. But he understood how tired the children were when even Lucy started to fall asleep on top of him as he recounted the myth of the Canis Major - adapted to children, of course -. It had been a whole afternoon of fooling around in the water. He remembered those days when he was younger. How bone-tired he felt and how good it was when he could finally climb into bed and hug his favourite teddy. Gale was coming back after putting them to bed, to have a little more time with him and to drive them back to Dunedin. So right now it was just him, Mali and Anahera.

Calum wrapped the blanket around himself as he looked back up to the sky, marvelled at the amount of stars he didn’t get to see on a daily basis back home. This sky was one he could fall in love with, for sure. Gale had brought binoculars, and while they weren’t like the ones Calum had back home, at least they were _something._

He kept checking his phone for cartographies and searching for stars in the sky, all the while Anahera watching him curiously as she kept a conversation going with Mali. It was a bit weird, having his grandmother observing him while he tried to do the math, and put his hand up to calculate the distances in the sky before he could find what he was looking for with the binoculars. She had this small smile in her face that reminded Calum vaguely of his mum whenever he and Mali were to bring their report cards back home. Almost like she was proud, or something. Calum couldn’t place it, but it wasn’t important. Her eyes were twinkling kindly in the low light, and he couldn’t help but smile back to her every time their eyes met.

When Gale came back, he set on building a small fire in the firepit other campers had had going before leaving the place, and Mali left with him.

“Your passion is a bit solitary.” Anahera mused in the silence that had fallen between them.

“It can be.” Calum admitted quietly as he deposited the binoculars in his lap and turned to look at her. “But I like talking to people about it.”

“Like the kids?” Anahera smiled.

“Yeah.” Calum nodded. “Back home, during my gap year I volunteered at this place. Helped calm the children down with my stars projector. Telling them stories and myths. I still try to go back every time I’m back at Kilbirnie.”

“You’re a nice young man.” Anahera nodded.

Calum shrugged, scrunching up his face and looking away. There was a full moon, so his viewing of the stars had been a little thrown off, but he couldn’t exactly complain when the reflection of it on the surface of the lake looked so beautiful. Made him feel so calm. Just like Ashton’s arms around him, there was this calm feeling surrounding him at the moment. This energy. Moonlight always did that for him, helped settle his thoughts, calm his mind. Michael had laughed when Calum told him, back when they were still in secondary school together. _You’re supposed to be the sciency guy, don’t tell me you believe all that moon crap._ Calum had laughed too, but he had answered right back that it wasn’t some nonsense he had read online. It had just been a… feeling. Hadn’t really worn off with time, either.

When he looked back to his grandmother, she was looking at the sky with a pensive look.

“Stargazing always seemed to me like looking into the past.” Anahera smiled, her eyes reflecting the stars up above.

It made Calum smile too, because his grandmother wasn’t wrong. Most of the stars that lit up the sky were long changed by the time their light reached the Earth. With a telescope stars could only be observed as they were from years to even millennia ago.

“Maybe that’s why people think their loved ones are up there, among them. It’s a beautiful thought, eh?” She turned to face him with a twinkle in her eyes.

“Maybe.” Calum conceded.

Calum hadn’t really ever given that much thought. As much as he had had that feeling about the moon, space was space, and stars were cool and pretty when they shone bright on a crisp night. But they were just that, stars.

He remembered watching _Hercules_ when he was young and thinking what a stupid thing it was to have Zeus reshaping the stars in the sky as Hercules. Stars didn’t move, not at a velocity human eyes could see, his astronomy book had said so. And constellations were human-invented out of vague shapes, not actually people or things up there. Mali, twelve by that time had just stared at him unblinking when he told her, and then had broken into giggles, telling him the film wasn’t to be taken literally. “ _It’s a metaphor_ “, she had said, and then had refused to explain to him what a metaphor was.

The memory made him roll his eyes at his younger self, amazed that he could have analysed a Disney film so literally. It was funny.

And also, with the years gone by, he began to understand _why_ people chose to believe their loved ones were up there. Starlight took years to reach the Earth, so the stars visible to the human eye were actually from the past. And yet they still shone brightly over them, lighting up their paths. It was a beautiful metaphor, like Mali had said. To think of the deceased as the stars in the sky, helping their beloved to find the right path. They were the past, but they had shone so bright in life that their presence and love was still lighting up the sky.

“What do you think about them?” Calum whispered, hugging himself and clutching the light blanket closer as some wind started to pick up.

His grandmother smiled at him, turning afterwards to look up at the sky. She looked content, sitting in the chair with a blanket over her legs as the fire that Gale had finally going at the camping site crackled behind them.

“They’re pretty to look at.” Anahara eventually answered, turning to look back at him. “But I would be careful not to get lost in them.”

“Lost?” Calum frowned.

She chuckled lightly, pointing up. “The past is a tricky thing to have fallen in love with, don’t you think?”

“But the discoveries and innovations we can achieve by studying the sky and beyond is the _future_.” Calum contradicted quickly. “Yeah, we may be studying the stars and events that happened a long time ago because we have no technology that allows us to see their present, but that doesn’t mean we’re stuck in the _past._ “

Anahera eyed him with some feeling in her gaze that Calum couldn’t place, then reached for his arm, patting it lightly before squeezing. She smiled at him, her hand warm in his skin. But she didn’t say anything else, choosing to remain silent.

And then Calum felt it. Saw it. Out of the corner of his eye. Little wisps of colour when he glanced down to where she was touching him. It was over in a flash, making him frown, but he _saw_ it. Night blue, as the sky over their heads. Saturated, rich, solid. He felt _warmth_. Calum looked back up to find his grandmother looking at the sky again, her thumb continuing to move calmly over the skin of Calum’s wrist. Over his pulse, were the ink read _ALIVE_.

Calum felt stupid for a second, cursing at himself again for having just gotten to spend time with her almost when his time here was halfway through. Because Ashton _was_ right. He loved when someone challenged him, and his grandmother? Quite enough of a challenge in herself. She was so interesting, such contrasting views to his own. Calum _knew_ he could grow better just by talking to her. And he was leaving in the morning.

“Nanna?” He found himself saying, the word tasting a bit weird in his tongue, but a good weird nonetheless.

The little movement on the corner of her lips, turning upwards just a smidge, told Calum that the term had surprised her as much as it had surprised him.

“Thanks for letting us stay with you.” Calum finished the thought, smiling himself.

Anahera squeezed his hold on him for a moment before taking her hand away and resting it on top of her lap, coughing a bit. “Don’t have to thank me for that.” She chuckled silently and looked at him with a smile.

“Still thankful.” Calum chuckled right back.

“So, are you excited for Sydney?” She smiled bigger, changing the topic. “Meeting the in-laws.”

Calum snorted, shaking his head. “You know what? My best friend Michael asked the exact same thing. Mali-Koa did, too.” Then he let the laughter go, biting his lip as he thought about it. “Yeah. I want to see this part of Ashton. I want to fall in love with it too.”

He had met Anne-Marie through Skype, talked to her a couple of times on the phone when she had called and Ashton had been asleep or in the shower. Harry was always happy to chat to them, his talks often drifting towards his day to day instead of focusing on Ashton. Lauren was the one he was a bit more wary of. They hadn’t talked. Just quick hellos when she had been Skyping with Ashton and that was that. And the clipped tone that filtered even through the laptop speakers had led Calum to believe she may have something against him. Ashton had laughed and said he was imagining things, but Calum wasn’t so sure. He guessed he would find out for real the next day, alone and without Ashton’s support.

“It’s the first time he’s going back home since he left.” He sighed out loud. “And I’m going to be there, right in the middle of it.”

“But he wants you there.” Anahera said.

“Yeah, but he needs time alone. I _know_ that.” Calum insisted. He knew the older needed time alone with them. To reconnect. Two years was a long time not to have seen someone he was as close to in a way that wasn’t through a screen. “He wouldn’t have it, though.” He sighed. “Said he needed me there, too.”

“Then there you should be.” Anahera stated.

“It’s… It’s complicated. He left because–.” Calum stopped himself and took a deep breath, looking up at the stars and wondering if he should even tell his grandmother about Bec. But he needed reassurance. He let himself cuddle into her side, seeking her warmth. His grandmother stilled for a second but then she let out a long sigh.

“What happened?” She asked.

“His best friend died. December, two years ago.” Calum forced out. “He was in love with her.”

Anahera didn’t answer verbally, but her hand reached out for his again, and Calum squeezed it as soon as he had a hold of it. “He left Sydney shortly after that. Came to Cambridge. He’s worked through it, though. Or at least, it seemed like he had. But he’s having these nightmares lately. Again. About that day.”

“Poor thing.”

Calum could tell by her voice that she was truly feeling it for Ashton, but she still didn’t have the full picture. Calum thought he would never tell anyone besides Michael once he had the okay from Ashton to do so. After all, it wasn’t his story to tell. He hadn’t told anyone else. But the key to Ashton’s nightmares wasn’t Bec’s death. The key was that he had been there and had been unable to do anything about it.

“He saw her die of a cardiac arrest. That’s why he gets the nightmares.” Calum concluded, suddenly sniffing and wondering when he had even begun to feel like crying. He reined it in, though.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The crackling of the fire behind them seemed to amplify its noise in the silence that had fallen between them. Calum was clutching to his grandmother’s hand like a lifeline. What felt the worst was knowing that even though Ashton needed time with his family and needed to visit Bec’s grave to finally move on, he was going to have to relive some feelings about it all. And Calum was worried.

“I’m just worried about him, Nanna. Those nightmares… they are horrible.” He finally said, barely a whisper. “And he’s been away from his family for two years because of what happened. And he _needs_ them. And I don’t want him to have less time just because I’m _there_.”

Anahera just squeezed the hold she had on him, still no words coming out of her mouth. Calum heard some steps behind them, but when he turned around expecting Mali or Gale to have come closer, he only saw them both at the fire. Maybe he was imagining things.

“If he said he needed you there, then he needs you there, Calum. Don’t think the boy would lie about that.”

“I know.” Calum breathed.

Ashton wouldn’t lie, but he also would _ask_ for time alone. So it was up to Calum to give it to him. He would look for something to do, sightseeing or volunteering or something every couple of days so Ashton could get that time. He had decided.

“You remind me of your mum a lot, Calum.” His grandmother said after the silence stretched for a few minutes. It made Calum turn to face her, eyebrows furrowing. “Don’t look at me like that.” She chuckled, and Calum felt even more confused. “She fell in love hard and fast. Loved deep, and unreservedly. You remind me of her.”

Calum swallowed slowly, glancing down for a moment before looking away towards the shore. “I… I’ve never considered myself to be anywhere near close to my mum on personality.” He replied with a subtle disgust that made Anahera crack up.

“Oh, but you two are _really_ similar.” She laughed, lightly patting his forearm were it rested on her lap. “She raised you, after all. It would be weird if you didn’t take after her.” Calum supposed that was true, but he had always thought he took more after his father. People had told him so, more than a few times. His looks were from his mum, but his personality… way more similar to his dad’s.

Anahera took a deep breath and reached for his chin, making him look back at her. “You love fiercely, Calum. Anyone can see that. Everything you do, you do it with passion.” She said softly. “You got that from her.”

“I don’t think we’re talking about the same person here anymore.” Calum insisted. That wasn’t the Joy he had grown up with. Or at least not with them. “Maybe she _changed_?” He mused.

“Your mum didn’t change. I talk to her every week.” His grandmother laughed, brightly, and despite the confusion Calum still felt, he could do nothing but smile back.

There was a thing she said, though...

“I’d love to do that too.” He piped in. “Talk to you every week.”

“Yeah? You’re going to call outside of holidays?” She said, but the twinkle in her eye told Calum she was pulling his leg. “Never took you for a talker until you stepped foot in my home. You were always the quiet one, Calum.”

And ouch, that hurt. But it was true, and he couldn’t deny the past. He could apologise, though.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Anahera said calmly, reaching to stroke his cheek and then letting both her hands fall into her lap, straightening the blanket there. When she raised her eyes, she didn’t look back to him, instead looking up to sky, a soft smile pulling at her lips. “I’d love that too. I want you to keep me up to date with this Ashton of yours.”

“Okay.” Calum agreed, chuckling lightly, happy when that made the smile on Anahera’s face widen.

“Next time, you need to bring Ashton here.” She said, finally turning back to look at him. “I want to meet this man who holds your heart.”

“Promise.” Calum smiled, and let himself rest against her again, looking up at the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... Hi. Again. Sorry for my kind of dissappearance. The last couple months have been quite bad for me, even worse mentally speaking. If you top it off with a writer's block, it wasn't the best of times. This is really no place to talk about my life, but I thought I needed to say I'm sorry for not posting. Idk.
> 
> Even if one of the things I kept telling myself during these two months was that this wasn't an obligation, I still felt stressed for not writing, and stressed for not posting. And when I managed to write something I would second-guess myself and stuff. Never knew if I was happy with the direction this was going, scratched a lot of ideas. Idk. I came to the conclussion that I wasn't really sure of the plan I had for this, and that took me back like a thousand steps. 
> 
> This chapter was mostly done in december, but I just couldn't see it working. I in fact changed quite a lot. Still don't know if I'm totally on board with some things, but... I have this thing when I write, like when I get really into it, that the characters end up saying stuff I hadn't planned before-hand? And they tend to mess with my planning. But this time, when it happened, I felt like those pieces of dialogue were actually meant to be here, so I reworked everything. It was a feeling that this was maybe how it was supposed to go all along.
> 
> And oh wow, I'm rambling way too much. 
> 
> If you've read this whole thing, I'm sorry 😅
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed it at least :s
> 
> Drop me a line if you feel like it! 
> 
> (p.s.: really sorry :s)


	4. Interstellar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, it's been a while. Sorry.  
> Have a few things to say, I'll try to be quick hahahah  
> Um, I have never in my life been to Australia, and google can only do so much for me in terms of the feel and knowing the actual place this is all set hahahah So I'm sorry if there are any inconsistencies from this chapter on out 😅  
> The second one I can say in the end notes, though, so I hope you enjoy this!

“Hey, how was the flight?” Mali’s voice came slightly distorted through his headphones.

“Was good. Felt long. I’m glad to be back on land. Again.” Calum chuckled.

His plane had touched down in Sydney little over half an hour ago, and he had just stepped out passport control. Calum had been lucky –or unlucky– to get the window seat, so he had been able to watch the extent of the bushfires damage from above. They had been only halfway through the flight from Brisbane when the sky started getting darker. The smoke had moved with the wind, and it made Calum almost afraid of what being outside once he reached Sydney would be like.

“–ou left a tee here. I’ll pack it up with my things.” Mali was saying.

“Oh, thanks. That’s… Thanks.” He answered quickly, but he was looking around, trying to figure out where the restrooms could be. He wanted to make sure he looked decent before meeting Ashton’s mum.

“Text me when you meet up with Ashton’s family.” Mali-Koa sighed, and by her tone Calum knew she had probably been talking all the while and he hadn’t really paid attention. He felt bad.

“Sorry. I’m a bit off. Trying to find the restrooms and the baggage claim.”

“That’s alright. Just text me later.” She said. “Bye, Cal.”

“Bye.” He ended the call and pocketed his phone, still looking around as he walked.

Finally, he saw the rest rooms at the end of the hall, right beside the entrance of the luggage claim area. What he saw in the mirror once he was in was a bit worrying, but he couldn’t do much about it. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he hadn’t slept a wink. Which was actually true.

After Gale had the fire going the night before, they had stayed at the campsite for a while, just talking. Sharing stories about when he and Joy were little. Mali-Koa and he sharing their own, too. It had been great. And Calum had begun to feel sleepy on the way back to their grandmother’s house, but… Once they got there and he was actually resting in his bed… Calum hadn’t been able to fall asleep. Had stayed staring at the ceiling, mind wide awake as he went over everything that he could have done better during his time there. Things he shouldn’t have taken for granted. Stuff he should have told Anahera, probably.

So now he was looking like a zombie on the first time he would meet his _–gosh, it sounded strange to even think about the word–_ mother-in-law. He prayed Anne Marie would blame it on the two plane rides there and the weariness that caused.

For his part, he could blame the fact that it was his first time taking a plane on his own. Calum hadn’t expected to be so nervous once he left Mali-Koa and Anahera behind when walking through security, but he had been. Jittery, heart pounding in his ears, looking around all the time and just suddenly so aware of the amount of people walking to and from the airport. And overwhelmingly aware of having no one to physically rely on in that moment. He would have killed to have Ashton’s hand to hold.

But as it had been, he had just sucked it up and soldiered on. After the two flights he was still not completely calm, and Ashton was on his first flight already, so Calum couldn’t call him for reassurance. He entertained for a moment the idea of calling Michael, but knowing it was the middle of the night in the UK, Calum decided it was probably best not to. Besides, he only had to pick up his suitcase and go through customs, and then Anne-Marie was meeting him at Arrivals. He could do it.

His suitcase ended up arriving in the second round of them coming up, and he had to go through a relatively short queue in customs given that he had arrived via a connecting flight from Brisbane. Still, Calum felt himself growing more nervous as his steps brought him closer to the Arrivals gate.

He kind of understood now why Ashton had been so utterly terrified when they arrived at Kilbirnie the previous year. Calum had had to give him a few reassuring hugs before they got to the front door. But Calum at least had the advantage now of having actually talked to Anne-Marie before. Ashton had gone in totally blind when they hadn’t been together that long. Calum admired him even more now.

The older had given him his mother’s and Lauren’s number just in case they weren’t able to find each other at the airport, but as Calum stepped out of the doors, he realised Ashton shouldn’t have worried at all.

“Calum! Love!” He heard her more than he saw her and suddenly he had an armful of Ashton’s mum squeezing the life out of him.

“Hey.” He chuckled, returning the hug good-naturedly, even though it was a bit complicated with both his suitcases.

Somehow that hug served to calm him down a bit, letting out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

“How were your flights? Oh, I’m sure it ended up boring, right?” She started chatting as soon as they broke away.

The way her eyes lit up reminded Calum of Ashton’s.

“Yeah, bit boring.” He admitted, giggling.

“And you must be hungry. Are you hungry?” She asked, taking his smaller suitcase and starting to walk away without even stopping for a minute. “Airport prices are out of hand, but I have snacks in the car.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t have bothered.” Calum said, biting his lip, suddenly self-conscious. Anne-Marie paid him no mind, though, continuing to walk to the gates that Calum assumed led to the parking lot. Calum now understood why Ashton had described her as a hurricane.

“It was no bother, pet. Ashton mentioned you’d probably be hungry.” She smiled kindly over her shoulder.

“Oh, he told you _that_. Nice of him.” Calum said flatly. It made her laugh, which in turn made him smile even if he was considering sending Ashton a long text about how he wasn’t _that_ hungry all the time.

“He was really worried about you being here on your own.” She said, turning to the right and leading him through a long line of parked cars. “He even threatened me to ‘be on my best behaviour.’” She added, and Calum couldn’t help the small giggle that escaped him at that.

“Sounds like him.”

“Yeah.”

It took them about ten minutes of walking along different lines of cars to reach what Calum knew had been Ashton’s car while he had still been living back in Sydney. He had seen it in pictures before. He wondered why Anne had kept it. Maybe Lauren was using it now.

“So, excited for the days here?” She asked after they fit the suitcases into the boot and closed it.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Please don’t call me that. It makes me feel old.” Anne-Marie said, laughing. For a split second, it made Calum freeze. And then he suddenly couldn’t stop the giggles coming up his throat, the memory stark against his mind. The woman looked at him mildly concerned, and _confused_ , but he just couldn’t stop giggling. Oh, wow. He tried sobering up for the sake of Anne, though.

“It’s just.” Calum started, trying to force his laughter to stop. “First time I met Ashton, I called him sir because I was working. He said the exact same thing.” Calum finished, biting his lip and remembering that day. He could hear even to that day the tone in Ashton’s words at having been called sir. Calum often teased him about it.

“He did, didn’t he?” Anne chuckled, staring at him for a moment before sighing and shaking her head. She let out another chuckle, and then she was motioning for him to come closer. “Come here, son. Let me give you a real hug.”

The way her voice had come out, soft and without any hint of gimmicks, had Calum going straight into her arms and giving in into the hug quick. She immediately squeezed him, and Calum could hear her sigh as she patted his head lightly a couple of times. Calum sighed too, enjoying the good squeeze even if he was slightly out of air. “Thank you.” She said when Calum pulled back, taking his hand in both of hers and giving it a squeeze.

Calum knew what she was talking about, but he just didn’t know how to answer her. What to even say. So he only nodded and hoped she understood too.

“Okay, let’s get you some food. You look awfully thin.” She smiled as she let go of his hand and walked around the car to get the snacks.

* * *

When they reached Ashton’s childhood home, neither Lauren nor Harry were there. Anne-Marie said that with summer holidays officially on, they never spent much time home anymore and that they’d come back for dinner. Calum was honestly grateful of having some time to take it all in by himself.

Anne had showed him to Ashton’s bedroom and the bathroom across the hall, leaving him to unpack and take a shower if he wanted. Which Calum had done gladly. He expected it to be hot once he reached Sydney, but never _that_ hot. He was sweaty all over, like he had just come back from a gym session. Plus, there was the underlying smell of burnt wood hanging in the air. Calum didn’t have to look out of the windows to know that light was orangey even when it wasn’t even close to sunset.

Once he finished showering, he came back to the room. Upon a first glance he had been able to recognise it as intrinsically _Ashton’s_ , but it was clear that it had been his teenage living space. The Ashton Calum had met and fell in love with had been a different version from this one. _Older_. _Grown up_. Fundamentally the same, but still changed by Bec’s death.

Now that only mere hours were separating them, Calum was feeling the distance even more. Being between Ashton’s old things, photos, mementos… he was suffocating. It was like being with him, but at the same time being acutely aware of how far Ashton was. A fleeting thought about the feeling possibly being similar to what Ashton had felt after Bec’s death in their shared apartment passed his brain, and Calum banished it immediately, embarrased at himself. He prayed he never had to go through what Ashton had. And he certainly couldn’t claim to know what that would even begin to feel like. It was sick of him to compare his current feelings to _that_.

He was tempted to open up the closet to search for one of Ashton’s old tees from when he lived back here. Just so he could wear it, could feel closer to him. It would be weird, though. And he didn’t want to give off any weird vibes as a first impression. So Calum dug up one of Ashton’s tees from home from his own suitcase. It wasn’t the same, but it was something.

He found Anne on the couch downstairs when he finally felt ready to face her. Not that she hadn’t been anything but nice and welcoming, but Calum was still feeling shaky and he would have killed to have Ashton there with him. He gripped the t-shirt he was wearing tight and after a big breath stepped inside the living room.

“Thanks for letting me take a shower.” He said.

Anne-Marie chuckled and waved him off, patting the seat next to her.

“Do you want something to drink? Something cold?” She smiled.

“Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.”

He approached the couch slowly. Anne was focused on the program running on the TV, but as soon as he sat down, she turned it off and turned to face him.

“So. Excited to see Ashton tomorrow?” Anne asked kindly.

“You’re probably more entitled to that than me.” Calum chuckled, scrunching up his face afterwards.

She watched him quizzically for a moment before answering.

“Well, of course I miss him.” She agreed. “But he was already out of the nest when he left.” Anne-Marie shrugged. “And I know he’s happy where he’s at. That you’re happy.”

“Yeah.” Calum admitted shyly, feeling his cheeks heat up. “He makes me very happy. I hope I make him happy too.” He whispered, more to himself than to her. He took a deep breath, though, facing her and smiling warmly. “I’m lucky to have him in my life. You raised a good man.”

“Sometimes I swear he raised himself.” She huffed lightly, shaking her head. “He has a stronger will than I will ever have. Still, he’s guarded with his feelings, I couldn’t help but wonder if…” She trailed off. But then she seemed to shake herself out of it, a smile growing on her face as she regarded him. “I’m glad he found you. That you two found each other. I wasn’t sure he would let anyone in.”

Calum smiled tight at that, his own thoughts drifting back to the first few weeks of their relationship. Ashton _had_ let him in, amazingly fast for someone who had gone through what he had gone through. Calum knew he had let him in, that first night he told him about his past. Which in Calum’s opinion was the bravest thing he had ever done. Even more than when he eventually said _I love you_ to him at Dalmellington. Ashton had been scared shitless that day.

“I don’t think he had a problem letting people in.” Calum said quietly. “He let Luke in, let _me_ in, quite easily. With his whole heart. His brain was just a little slower catching up.”

Anne smiled tightly at that, nodding softly.

“You know.” Calum chuckled. “He was more scared of asking me to move in than he was of saying _I love you_.” He shook his head softly, remembering how shaky Ashton had been during that whole trip. How jumpy. And how calm he had been during the Perseids’ shower when he finally whispered those three words.

“My baby.” Anne said, her voice carrying a sad tint that made Calum turn to face her. She was looking at the floor, but her eyes looked far away. It reminded Calum of Ashton when he was lost in the past. “He’s always been scared of what loving someone entails, I think. Scared of the actuality of it. He was in love with Bec for God knows how long, never said a thing out loud.” She sighed. And then she jerked upright, covering her mouth as her eyes widened. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

Calum shook his head gently. “She’s a part of who he is.” He smiled, if albeit a bit sadly. “I love all of him.”

She stared at him for a long while, so long Calum begun to think he had somehow said the wrong thing, fucked up even before having been there for a day. But she didn’t look… _mad._ She just looked sad.

“You’re too nice, Calum.” She eventually whispered, glancing away. “But don’t mind me. Tell me about Ashton.” She said, hiding whatever emotion had just played over her features with a smile. She reached for his hand, patted it twice. “Tell me about you two.”

“What?”

“How is he? Is he treating you well?” Calum didn’t expect the question at all. If all, he expected a complete reverse of the question, so he felt a little unsure on how to answer. But Anne-Marie was still talking, and Calum had to try to focus on her words. He felt like he had missed something while he was trying to register her first question. “… and Ashton can get too in his head sometimes, even when he puts it on himself to take care of people, he sometimes… forgets.” She finished with a chuckle, shaking her head. Her features screamed fondness and Calum cursed himself for not having paid enough attention. He got the gist of it, though.

“Ashton’s the best person I’ve ever met.” He breathed, his own eyes fixed on a point on the floor, mind lost in his memories. Ashton’s smile was always there. “He’s… Ashton’s good to me. We’re good to each other, I think.”

“I can see that you are.” Anne smiled. “Is everything good since you moved in?”

“Yeah.” Calum answered, perhaps embarrassingly quickly. “It’s been great. It feels… _right_.” He added, feeling a blush creeping up his neck.

“And how are you copying with the disaster that my son is with laundry?” She laughed.

“Oh, I made a chart.” Calum said offhandedly, remembering Ashton’s outraged reaction at receiving a chart of when to do his own laundry. Before Calum even moved in. And a shared one afterward. “He knows if he doesn’t stick to it he doesn’t get hot chocolates.” He snickered.

“Nice strategy.” Anne-Marie nodded appreciatively.

“I know. It’s genius. He hasn’t missed any of his laundry days since I moved in.” Calum grinned, as Anne let out a short laugh. “But it’s… It’s been really great. We’re closer, _better_.”

“I’m happy to hear that.” Anne-Marie smiled at him, reaching for his hand and squeezing it hard. She went quiet though, her expression hesitant before she said, “Thank you, Calum. I know I told you before but I need to tell you again.” She whispered. “Thank you for taking care of him. For helping him get through it. I truly appreciate you.”

Calum shook his head at that, felt a knot growing on his throat at her words. “It’s…” He cut himself, clearing his voice. Trying to find it without a shake. “Ashton did it on his own. He’s strong.”

“Yeah, resilient. Always has been.” She agreed easily. “But he’s so stubborn. And he needed someone to lean on, and he didn’t want to see that for so long. He didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. But you _helped_ him, Calum. _Meeting_ you helped him. He didn’t need to tell me that, though, I could see him healing even through a screen, and it was because of you. Because of your relationship.” She squeezed his hand again, and Calum couldn’t stop the way his heart throbbed at that.

It made him feel… a bit uncomfortable. Ashton had leaned on him, yeah, but he had healed on his own. Their relationship was strong because despite leaning on each other, they had dealt with their problems without creating a dependency, in Calum’s eyes. Well, at least Ashton had. After New Zealand Calum wasn’t too sure about himself. Ashton’s absence from his side hurt acutely.

Anne-Marie was looking at him with her eyes shining, as if she was trying to contain the tears. Calum felt his own eyes getting misty when she stretched her hand to grab onto his, squeezing.

“I’m so thankful for you. For loving him the way you do.”

“I, uh…” Calum sputtered, not knowing what to say as emotion clogged up his throat, one tear escaping his right eye and slowly tracking down his cheek. 

“He’s… Ashton’s happy, again. And I think part of that is thanks to having you in his life.” Anne continued. Calum felt another tear falling, and he tried to swallow past the knot constricting his throat to answer her like a sane person, but he just couldn’t. For some stupid reason he was only able to stare at Ashton’s mum as more tears rushed to his eyes.

“Don’t mind me.” Anne-Marie said for the second time in less than half an hour, patting his hand and then letting go. Calum didn’t know what to say. Words had remained stuck at his throat and he was sure if he talked his voice would probably sound squeaky. “I’m just a good old mum happy for her son. Happy for his happiness.” She added. Calum awkwardly smiled back to her, and clearly, Anne-Marie sensed it because she changed the topic quickly. “So. What are your plans this week?”

He blinked a couple of times, glancing away and clearing his throat, hoping emotion didn’t linger as he answered. “I think Ash said he wanted to show me around downtown Sydney one day.” He said, turning back to smile at Anne. “And this neighborhood. And his uni.”

“Good, good.”

“I want to go to the beach, too.” Calum added, remembering how excited Ashton had been talking about taking him to a ‘ _real’_ beach –Calum had felt outraged that he was attacking Largs so offhandedly, but the way Ashton’s eyes shone and his whole face brightened up was enough to make him stay shut about it–. “Maybe we can take Harry, get you some free time. Invite Lauren too. Make a day out of it. Get them away from the smoke.”

“That sounds absolutely lovely.” Anne beamed at him, and it made Calum’s lips turn up in return. Until he remembered the other thing on their schedule. And then he frowned, thoughts starting to rattle around in his brain like they had been all the way to Sydney whenever he thought of it.

“Ash also wanted, uh…” He had to stop, trying to get through the words. “He wants to visit Bec.”

“Yeah, I expected he would.” Anne said softly. Her eyes weren’t exactly present, but Calum still nodded. He expected it, too. Even before Ashton brought it up. It was the underlying intent of his trip back, wasn’t it? The main reason was spending time with his family, but Calum knew… He knew being away last year for Bec’s death anniversary had shaken him up pretty badly. Calum had been there, trying to hold him through it. Ashton needed to be in Sydney again, to visit her, talk to her or whatever. He needed closure. Calum understood that.

“I’m sitting that one out, I think.” He admitted quietly.

“Why, love?”

Calum smiled tightly for a moment, sighing after. “Ashton’s meeting up with Otto.”

“I’m sure he would appreciate you being there, anyway.” Anne-Marie assured him. “I haven’t hugged him in two years, but I still know my Ashton. He leans on you. You wouldn’t be a bother, honey. Just a help.”

“I know, but I think he needs to do that alone.” Calum said. “He won’t admit it, but it’s better that way. I know it is.”

Ashton’s mum nodded at his insistence, but she didn’t comment. Calum didn’t know if Ashton had told her about him and his Nan. He didn’t care.

He knew from experience that having that final chapter closed was better of done by oneself. Calum knew it better than anyone, because he hadn’t actually been able to. Yeah, he had visited his Nan’s grave a few more times since he went there last Christmas day. It still didn’t feel like the chapter had been closed off.

Calum was aware of his issues, even more so after they had been reignited during his stay at Dunedin. He was aware that he probably should work on them, finally get closure, move on. But it was just difficult, letting it all go now. Not when it felt like the new normal. Not when the feelings he had swirling around in his chest every time he thought of his Nan or something sparked up a memory of her were the only things he had left of the love that had been tainted with her death. Calum also knew it was a little bit fucked up and that maybe he should have been asking his mum for a therapist recommendation. But he indulged himself, recreated in those feelings.

It wasn’t like he kid himself either. The feelings weren’t entirely brought up by his Nan’s memory. They were all his insecurities and fears rolled up into a big ball of _mess_ that he had associated with it. So there was a mixed bag of everything. Anxiety, fear of being away from loved ones, some broken trust between him and his parents… His brain had made the connection between all those and the unresolved feelings about his grandmother’s passing long ago, and it seemed like it had stuck. Calum blamed human brains for that.

Silence had fallen over them, but it didn’t make Calum feel exactly awkward. Not knowing what to say wasn’t the reason for it. Calum had gone into his own little world, and when he glanced to his left, he saw Anne seemed to have done the same. So it was a comfortable silence.

Her eyes were fixed at some point in the wall, but she was clearly lost in thought. She was doing this thing Ashton did whenever he was hesitant, drumming her fingers over her forearm.

Calum didn’t have to wait too long for her to speak up about whatever had her lost in thought.

“How are the nightmares?” She asked, eyes still staring into the wall. Her voice was small and almost sounded like she was afraid of what Calum would have to say.

“He hadn’t had one in months until a couple of days ago.” He hated to be the bearer of bad news, but he wasn’t just about to lie to her. Specially because Ashton seemed to not have mentioned his little episode to her just as he hadn’t wanted to tell Calum until they saw each other again. “I want to think it was a onetime thing. That they’re not coming back.”

Anne-Marie smiled tightly at that, something in her eyes telling Calum she believed his wish was pointless. Calum kind of knew it too. He was trying to put it out into the world, voicing it out loud in a desperate attempt to make it real.

“I want so too.” She eventually agreed, turning to face him with a softer smile. Calum held her gaze for a few seconds, glancing away after and sighing. Anne-Marie sighed too, but she was soon shaking herself out of it and getting up from the couch. “Okay. That’s enough sad talk for one sit down. Let’s leave it at that and focus on happier topics, shall we?”

Calum chuckled at her energy, nodding. “Yeah.”

“So Ashton tells me you _love_ cooking...”

* * *

“Hey baby.” Calum mumbled into the phone as he took the call.

“Shoot, did I wake you?” Ashton’s slightly panicky voice came through.

“Fell asleep. Waiting.” His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, his words blurring together. He had to have dozed off after dinner, waiting for Ashton to call once he landed in Dubai. “Flight?”

“We just landed.” Ashton told him. By the slight hesitance in his voice Calum knew his boyfriend still felt bad for waking him up. He tried sitting up, but remaining horizontal was just too tempting. “Flight was good. One more to go.” Ashton laughed. 

Calum’s heart lurched at the sound, the corner of his lips turning up and something warm spreading through his body. But Ashton wasn’t there so he could cuddle closer.

“Miss you, baby.” Calum whispered, sleepiness making him have zero filter. Not that he had much of one when completely awake. Still, Calum hoped his words weren’t heard on the other side of the wall. He was feeling pretty sappy, and he didn’t even have Ashton in his arms yet. Calum was kind of embarrassed knowing how he would act once that was the case. But this was Ashton’s family and Ashton was sometimes _way_ more corny and sappy than Calum was, so he expected them to be at least used to it.

“I miss you too, Cal.” Came Ashton’s voice. His tone was clipped, like perhaps he had perceived just how emotional Calum was, and it had affected him too. Calum knew he wouldn’t give into the emotion in a crowded place though. “It’s just one more sleep for you. I’ll be there in the morning.”

“I know. Can’t wait to see you.” Calum whispered, and a smile took over his face at the thought of being back with Ashton despite the wrenching ache inside his chest.

“Ten hours, babe.” Ashton whispered back.

Calum bit his lip, turning in the bed and facing the wall. Pictures of Lauren and Harry were stuck there all over the side of the bed.

“Maybe more.” Calum mumbled, sighing.

“Why?”

“I was thinking of not going to pick you up at the airport.” Calum admitted slowly. His hand reached to caress a picture of the three of them. It must have been shortly before Ashton left, because he hadn’t changed much from when Calum met him.

“Cal.”

One word. One word and he knew Ashton knew what he was thinking about. He knew why, and it didn’t sound like he liked the idea.

“You haven’t been here in two years.” Calum stated, stubborn. Ashton needed to come back to his family, spend at least some hours with them just as a family. And Calum knew very well he wouldn’t ask for it.

“I haven’t seen you in two weeks.”

His argument was weak, and both of them knew it. Still, Ashton’s stubbornness brought a chuckle out of Calum. Ashton knew he wouldn’t change his mind once Calum made it up. And he had made it up.

“You need time with your family.” He finally said out loud, rubbing his face with his hand. “I’m honestly happy to spend the day visiting Sydney. Doing the tourist thing.” And because he knew Ashton would surely protest even when he knew it was a losing battle, Calum added a quick, “I won’t take a no for an answer.”

It made the older laugh on the other side of the call, his laughter warming Calum inside out. He couldn’t wait to hear it again in person. He could, however, stretch the time it took if only by a day so that Ashton could have that with his family.

Ashton never mentioned it much, how living so far away from them was difficult for him.

It didn’t matter.

Calum had learnt to read his moods, he stayed closer on those days, cuddled Ashton more, dotted over him. He was sure Ashton had noticed, but same as with his own moods, the older never said a thing.

“I love you.” Ashton whispered eventually. It came paired with a sigh that made all the hairs at the back of Calum’s neck stand up.

“I love you too, Ash.” Calum whispered right back, curling back on his side and extending his free hand towards the emptiness beside him. Ashton’s childhood bed was a single, and it still felt empty without the older there to share it. “Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I’ve been missing you snoring in my ear.” Calum snickered softly.

“Well, at least you’ve missed me.” Ashton giggled in his ear. It almost felt like Ashton was lying behind him, his arm securely over Calum’s stomach, his breath on his neck, lips leaving feathery kisses.

“I’ve also missed _other things._ “ Calum mumbled, some blush colouring his cheeks as he added, “–but I don’t want your family to hear _those_.”

And that brought out a real belly laugh out of Ashton, the sound almost too loud on Calum’s ear contrasting with the silence that reined over the house that time of night.

“How are they treating you?” Ashton asked after the laughter subsided.

“They’re great, Ash.” Calum assured him, his free hand bunching up on the sheets before he let it go, rolling until he was on his back, his eyes on the ceiling. “It’s just… weird. Being here without you.”

“Sorry.” Ashton mumbled over the phone, his breathing startingly clear in Calum’s ear.

For some reason just hearing that made Calum let out his own sigh, his body moulding down to the mattress even more. Both things made Calum feel closer to him. The rhythmic sound in his ear as Ashton waited for him to say something else, the mattress were the older had grown up. The latter thought made a phantom smile tug at Calum’s lips as he wondered just how much that bed had witnessed.

Even though they had both talked about their past partners and stuff, it was still weird to think about what Ashton may or may not have done in that bed. But it mostly amused Calum, imagining teenager Ashton, all limbs and no grace. First times were awkward for everyone.

He let out a giggle involuntarily, rubbing his face at remembering his own. 

“What got you giggling like _that_?” Ashton chuckled right back on the other end of the line.

“Memory lane of my most awkward moments.” Calum laughed silently.

“Wow, I need to hear about those.”

“I’ve already told you about all of them.” Calum snorted.

“Yeah, but not in ranking mode.” Ashton contradicted. And okay, _that_ was a thought.

“Let’s prepare lists and compare tomorrow.” Calum said excitedly. “Top ten. Winner gets free ice cream.” 

Ashton chuckled, and Calum was sure he was rolling his eyes because he swore he heard him muttering _‘You were going to get free ice cream anyway.’_ , before agreeing out loud with a “Deal.”

“Nice. Be ready. I have a way more embarrassing past than you do. I’m going to swipe the floor with you.” Calum promised.

It made Ashton launch into giggles, Calum smiling at it. He could picture Ashton on the other end, red-faced, covering his mouth as he laughed. He probably looked like a little kid.

After a while, the giggles subsided, and Ashton’s breathing went back to normal. The familiarity of it made Calum feel calm. He rolled to his other side, pressed his back against the wall. Anything to feel like Ashton was there. A solid presence behind him. Calum missed his touch more than he would have thought he would.

“You know, your mum thanked me.” He piped up after some long seconds of silence.

Ashton laughed fondly, muttering, “Of course she did, didn’t she?”

“She made me cry, too.” Calum giggled, biting his lower lip, looking at the ceiling. “You Irwins go around making me cry and you don’t take no responsibility.” He said jokingly, and it made both of them laugh, Calum actually covering his mouth in case he was being too loud. He hadn’t checked what time it was, but it had already been pretty late while he had been waiting for Ashton to land, so...

“My mum just–.” Ashton started, cutting himself at the middle of the sentence and letting out a low sigh into the speaker. “She understands what you mean to me, Cal. What it meant for me, meeting you. Having you in my life.” Ashton whispered quietly. “She probably just wants you to know she appreciates that.”

Calum felt that weird feeling again on his chest, from the talk from that afternoon. He had just been there for Ashton. As the older had been there for him.

“She misses you terribly.” He changed the topic. “She nearly squeezed the life out of me when she came to pick me up at the airport.”

That made Ashton let out a snort into the speaker. “Get used to it, it’s just her way of hugging.”

Calum laughed at that. He had guessed that, because both the hugs he had received from her had been exactly the same. She just seemed like a hugger. Then again, so was _Ashton_. Now Calum knew just whom he got it from.

“She said my tee smelled like you.” Calum mused softly. That had made his heart swell the most. He had thrown that tee in his suitcase back in Cambridge to have something that would keep him close to Ashton while they were apart. He hadn’t worn it until that afternoon though. Because if he had worn it that would have meant having to throw it in the wash, and that would have meant saying goodbye to Ashton.

“What tee?” Ashton asked slowly.

“The Doctor Who one I got for you in August.” Calum admitted with a giggle.

“You _stole_ that? I’ve been looking for it everywhere, Cal!”

“Sorry.” Calum said, but he knew Ashton knew he wasn’t sorry at _all_. “I wanted you with me.” He added quietly.

Ashton took a deep breath on the other side of the line before sighing, “You’re way too cute sometimes, you know that?” Calum lips perked up at that, something inside his chest fluttering at the sheer _fond_ dripping from Ashton’s voice. “You get away with stuff.” The older mumbled.

By his tone of voice Calum was sure he was pouting. It made him chuckle. He was well aware of it. “I know. I use it to my advantage.”

“You’re incorrigible.” Ashton giggled. “Love that about you, though.”

“I can’t wait to hug you.” Calum breathed. He couldn’t help it. It wasn’t that he wanted Ashton there with him. At this point, it was more of a _need_.

“Just a few hours.”

“Are you nervous? Lauren and Harry are. They told me.” Calum chuckled.

Ashton laughed right back. “Not exactly nervous as much as dreading my mum saying I don’t eat enough.”

“She told me that too, said I’m too thin.” Calum piped right in, suddenly sitting up in the bed. “Ashton. _Me_. Too thin.” Then he glanced down and pinched his stomach in between two fingers, chuckling again at Anne’s comment. “I have a _tummy_ , Ash. Hockey-pockey was too much of a temptation. And Nanna kept feeding me like she thought I was malnourished or something.” He chuckled. It wasn’t like he was out of _shape_ , but Calum had clearly let go during his stay at his grandmother. No gym, no bike, no nothing. And it was clearly showing.

Ashton hadn’t said anything back, though. Which was a bit weird.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“I’m trying to picture you.” Ashton’s pensive voice came after another few seconds.

“ _Oi!_ ”

“Not, it’s a cute picture. I like it.” Ashton hurried to add. “Also nice to know you’re human and all.” He chuckled. “I bet you look sexy as hell. Can’t wait to see you. Kiss you all over.”

Calum felt a chill run up through his spine, colour rising to his cheeks. “Shut up.”

“I’m serious, babe.” Ashton continued. “I miss you, and I miss sex with you too.”

Calum was feeling flushed, thanking himself he hadn’t put Ashton on speaker. But if he was flushed, Ashton had to be cherry red at this point.

“Look who’s talking about intimate relations without stuttering and in the middle of a public place.” Calum jested, trying to get the topic away from him.

“Have you booked that hotel room in the end?” Ashton ignored him, his voice urgent on the phone, tone getting deeper. “I miss you and I’m not fucking you in my childhood bed.”

“Why not?” Calum snorted. “You’ve done it in _mine_.”

“You have a double.” Ashton answered him as if that somehow served as a solid argument.

“I don’t care if it’s a single. Same principle.” Calum giggled. “Your mum took out an old inflatable mattress, but I told her it was no use, we were going to share the bed, anyway.”

“I’m… not sure we’ll fit, Cal.”

“We _will_.” Calum stressed. “I’m not sleeping without you. It’s been too long. I need you close to fall asleep and wake up to.”

He could tell his words had affected Ashton by the slight change in his breathing. Calum hadn’t done it on purpose, had just expressed what he felt.

“It’s going to be super gross, you know how much I sweat with the heat. And I bet it’s not exactly chill right now at night.” He finally said, chuckling silently.

“I don’t care.” Calum repeated. “I need you holding me.”

He could hear Ashton’s breath down the line. Calum closed his eyes and imagine again Ashton was lying behind him, his chest pressed tight to his back, his arm secured around Calum’s stomach. He _needed_ that.

“I need you too.” Ashton whispered, his voice soft.

* * *

When Calum came to, there were small trails of light falling on top of the bed. Sunrays coming from the window. The slightly orange tint of the light surrounding him was still a bit alien, but as his mind woke up, he was able to connect it with the fires. Even the air smelled faintly like smoke in the room. Not like it had when Calum stepped foot down on land the day before, but it was there, ready to be picked up when the person breathing it had been raised away from air polluted areas.

It had been disheartening, seeing everything burning as they made their approach from Brisbane. Calum couldn’t even begin to imagine how it would feel for Ashton. Coming back home only to find it up in flames.

Anne-Marie had warned him not to open up the window in the morning. There was no point in trying to air the room when the air outside wasn’t clean. So he sighed and glanced around the room, taking it all in.

Everything in there told a story about the teenager Ashton had been once upon a time. The only pictures of him before his teenage years were always featuring his siblings. Most pictures decorating the walls, though, were from Ashton’s teens. On frames on the bookshelf, pinned to the wall near his desk, on the corkboard. Lauren, Harry and his mum. Otto. And Bec.

There were a lot of pictures of the three of them, or just Ashton with her. At school. University. Some costume party. They looked… They looked like they had been more than friends, the lingering stares captured in the pictures speaking volumes. Calum felt sad because the story told by the pictures around him just showed how big a part of himself Ashton had lost _that_ day two years ago.

She was pretty. Her eyes were a pale grey, hair long or short or black or auburn or bubblegum pink depending on the pictures Calum set his eyes on as he walked around the room. She looked so… full of _life._ Larger than life. Calum could almost feel her personality through the pictures, Ashton’s stories bringing her to life. The older boy had slowly started to share more about his prior life, including Bec, after they had been together for a while. Calum should have felt weirded out, but instead he just felt… honoured that Ashton trusted him with that part of himself. Felt closer to him.

It would have been impossible to love Ashton without loving what he knew of Bec too. And it hurt to see whenever Ashton was retelling a story only to stop cold in the middle of it and quiet down. It saddened Calum as well. So looking at all these pictures was making him feel a bit off.

He picked up one of the pictures from the desk, a tiny pull on his lips for a smile as he saw Ashton carrying Bec on his back, neither actually privy to the camera taking the picture, both of them just laughing, frozen in that moment of glee. It appeared to have been taken during Christmas, because even when both of them were dressed for the heat, there was an unmistakably red and white hat hanging from Bec’s head, and Ashton was wearing what looked to be elvish ears. It must have been their last Christmas together. The one before...

“That’s Bec.” A voice startled him from behind.

Calum turned, feeling guilty all of a sudden as his exploring of Ashton’s room, and his eyes crossed with Lauren’s. She had clearly just gotten up herself, her hair sleep tangled and only her pyjamas on. She had her arms crossed, and her expression was steely.

“I know.” Calum said, turning back to return the picture to the shelf, placing it with care.

When he turned around Lauren was still looking at him steadily, her eyes even colder than before. Calum had had a feeling that he wasn’t in her good graces, but right now he felt right down uncomfortable as she studied him.

“How much do you actually know?”

The question made him frown. Ashton had opened up with him about many things, mostly anecdotes and stories of when he, Otto and Bec were still in secondary school. Calum knew he didn’t know _everything_ , but Lauren’s question caught him off guard. Most of all, because the day before she had been nothing more than welcoming.

“As much as Ashton has wanted to tell me.” He said softly as he glanced away for a second to the cluster of pictures surrounding them.

Lauren nodded minutely when he looked back up to her and then sent him a tentative smile. It wasn’t yet trusting, but it was a start. Calum breathed.

“D’you sleep well? I know this mattress can be hell on your back.” She chuckled, coming inside and taking a seat at the edge of the bed and punching the surface lightly. It was clear she was trying to break the tense atmosphere, and Calum silently thanked her, rushing to answer her.

“It was alright.” Calum shrugged. It had been fine, even with the abnormal heat. Calum was just tired of sleeping on his own, he just needed... “Miss Ashton, though.” He added as an afterthought and then bit his tongue. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that to his little _sister_.

But Lauren snorted, a clear laugh making Calum grin unexpectedly at her. “Ashton kicks in his sleep, you sure you miss that?”

“He snores like the devil, too.” He snickered, shaking his head. Then added more quietly, “I feel calm when I’m with him.” Calum shrugged, sitting down next to her and glancing around the room.

Lauren had fallen silent, her eyes scanning through the room too, her feet rhythmically hitting the floor in a way it reminded Calum a lot of Ashton. Her micro expressions were also very similar to her brother’s, and Calum felt relieved to see she was finally relaxing.

“Is he okay?” She eventually asked, her eyes fixed on the ground. “I mean, I know he is, he insists he _is._ Skype’s good, but I can’t know… You know?” She finished, frowning, and then turning to him. Despite her weird thought process, Calum _did_ know what she was talking about.

“I know.” He nodded. “He was better when I left. He had a nightmare a couple days ago, though.”

Lauren hummed and looked away again.

She was still a bit tense, Calum could feel it. It was making him feel uncomfortable. Even when she had relaxed a tiny bit as she asked about Ashton, she was back to cold and steely.

“It’s weird.” Lauren said quietly. “I’ve heard people say you change when something like what happened with Bec happens to you. But Ashton didn’t _change_. He just went away.”

“Isn’t that a change?” Calum frowned.

Lauren shook her head. She turned to him, sad smile on her lips. “I remember him hiding out at Otto’s whenever he and mum argued. And before that, he used to go to our grandparents. This time he just went further away.”

“Huh.” Calum breathed.

Ashton had told him about those fights with his mum growing up, but Calum had never really connected him hiding out at Bec and Otto’s with him going away to the UK. But Lauren had. And it wasn’t like Calum didn’t understand the defence mechanism that was at play there. Ashton had never hidden the fact that he had left Australia because he had been unable to deal with the memories.

“He always came back, though.” Lauren sighed next to him.

“Well, he is just a couple of hours away.” Calum grinned at her. “He told me last night how excited he was to spend the day with you guys.”

Lauren studied him for a few tense seconds, and Calum suddenly had a feeling that he had fucked up somehow. “He’s only coming back for a visit.”

“Oh.”

Yeah, he had fucked up. He had known Ashton’s family was bound to have missed him as much as the older missed them, but Calum hadn’t exactly thought they were expecting him to come back to live there. Ashton had told him, clearly, that Sydney didn’t feel like home anymore for him. That he didn’t even know if Australia felt like home. Calum thought he would have talked about it with his family, but it was clear that he hadn’t. Or at least, that Lauren hadn’t thought he was serious when he had brought it up.

“Anyway, let’s get breakfast.” Lauren sighed, jumping off of the bed and motioning him to follow her out the room. “What are you doing today? You need any pointers?” She shot over her shoulder as she walked down the hallway towards the stairs.

“Well, I have the itinerary more or less prepared, but I’d love your input.” Calum admitted, although a bit weary of the sudden change of attitude towards him Lauren had just had. Again.

“Cool, I can do that.” She nodded, smiling back to him as they reached downstairs. “This way you won’t get trapped in tourists attractions that cost too much money.” She joked.

Or at least Calum thought it was a joke. He wasn’t sure.

“Thanks.” He smiled back anyway.

“No worries.”

Lauren offered him cereal or toast for breakfast as soon as they got to the kitchen, Anne-Marie already there sipping on some coffee and looking engrossed in her phone. She greeted him with a hug, though, before going back to whatever she was reading. Calum looked around, trying to find the missing person, but Harry was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Harry?” He asked after thanking Lauren when she passed him the cereal and a bowl.

“Give him 10 seconds.” Lauren shrugged. “He was listening in behind Ashton’s door before.”

Calum looked at her curiously for a second before he heard said boy coming in from behind him.

“Was not.” Harry grunted, shuffling his feet on the floor in a way that made Calum’s heart wrench. It was almost like looking at a younger version of Ashton right then and there, from the way Harry was walking to the way he yawned and stretched himself.

The boy let himself fall against the seat right next to Calum’s and rested his face on the table.

“Morning.” Calum sent him a smile.

“Morning.” Harry smiled back.

Calum could tell they weren’t morning people, and he felt a bit better about not feeling like talking much himself either. He was, however, silently trying to picture ball of energy he knew Ashton to be fitting in between his family in the mornings. Ashton could be a lazy arse when he was tired or feeling down, but most mornings he was so full of energy that Calum wasn’t too sure where he was drawing it upon.

He had become so accustomed at the older chattering away about the news or whatever had happened at the hospital that night if he had just come out of a night shift that Calum kind of missed his voice at that moment. The smell of freshly brewed coffee, the early morning sun hitting their living room window right on. Calum missed their place. More than he had ever thought would miss any place other than his childhood home.

He was itching to have Ashton by his side again, but Calum was determined not to let it affect his day. Besides, it was just one day. He would see it as if Ashton was just working days, and meanwhile he was trying to entertain himself. Sydney was a big place, Calum could explore around and still leave a million places for Ashton to show him to.

Once they finished breakfast Lauren slid her chair next to his and started going through his list of places he wanted to visit, giving indications of how to get there and stuff. She was still holding that somewhat cold look in her eyes. Or maybe Calum was just paranoid, because it was true she was being pretty nice and helpful. Anne-Marie also gave her input while bossing Harry around and getting him to get ready to leave. It was palpable that they were more nervous than they were letting on about Ashton’s plane touching down in less than two hours.

They dropped him off at a station near the airport, Anne-Marie insisting he just come with them greet Ashton. But Calum declined again. If he saw Ashton, he wouldn’t be able let him go again during the whole day, and that would take Ashton’s attention away from his family. So Calum thanked them for taking him to the station and said goodbye with a smile.

Now he just had to find out which way to go from there.

* * *

True to his word, Calum spent the day sightseeing around Sydney, taking pictures and sending them to his mum and dad. At one point he walked down to the harbour, stayed looking at the ships rocking in the water, people walking by, skaters almost making him jump every time they slid past him. It was nice.

The weather was unbearably hot, though, and Calum more than once hoped he was back home behind the glass of his parent’s living room window, a snow storm raging on the other side of it. He would settle for even just rain. Anything to make it feel not so weird about it being the middle of December with Christmas decorations all around and scorching hot sun bearing down on him. Calum felt like a fish out of water.

He wondered if this was how Ashton and his mum felt spending Christmas in cold weather. Like the world had shifted slightly to the left and everything was still the same, but at the same time… different. It would have been a weird but good different, he thought, if Calum didn’t feel like he was going to pass out and he wasn’t sweating buckets. Calum guessed having the bush fires relatively close to the city didn’t help with the heat.

By mid-afternoon Calum headed back to Richmond, the tug in his heart at knowing he would see Ashton soon making him almost jumpy. Plus, if google was right, he still had an hour and a half of train rides to get back to Ashton.

The older had called him the minute he landed, thanking him once more and whispering how much he couldn’t wait to see him again. Calum had just shaken him off, blush creeping up his cheeks as he told him he better enjoy himself with his family. But then the older hadn’t stopped checking in every half hour, constantly telling Calum to come back to them, that it didn’t matter if he was there too. It had warmed Calum’s heart, but he had sent Ashton another text saying he would come back for dinner and telling Ashton to leave his phone alone and enjoy his family, and that had been it.

Well, until Calum had texted him which train he had taken back to his hometown, and then Ashton had called and declared he would be waiting at the platform for him. It made warmth spread from his heart, knowing Ashton would be there, waiting. But it also made Calum question himself again about Prague.

He hadn’t given it much thought the last few days. Not with spending his time with Anahera and packing for Sydney. But it weighed him down, thinking about having submitted the last round of required documents without having talked to Ashton about it. They had talked about Calum applying back during October, but Calum hadn’t yet been able to bring himself to tell Ashton over the phone that he had passed the first round. Ashton would be unbelievably happy for him, and meanwhile Calum just felt like… maybe he had made a mistake.

He still thought getting the spot on the research team would be the perfect way to launch his career. Calum still poured over the latest updates of the studies the Institute was publishing. But there was a nagging feeling at the deep end of his chest that was making him doubt his decision. And he needed to talk to Ashton about it. Soon. He just didn’t want to tarnish Ashton’s first day back by springing it all on him. Calum was sure the older had enough on his plate.

The train ride seemed to last forever, every mile closer to Ashton making time move slower. Knee going up and down in anticipation, Calum couldn’t care less about the weird looks he was receiving from other passengers. He had texted Ashton he was three stops away, and the older had sent him a picture of himself waiting at the station with the sun hitting his eyes. Calum would have swooned at the emotion in Ashton’s gaze if he didn’t know how much more they shined in real life.

His heart was beating erratically in his chest by the time he stepped out of the train, welcoming being outside of the really crowded coach and looking around. He tried to spot Ashton in between the throng of people who had just vacated the train with him, but there were too many people to find him easily though. Until.

“Cal!”

He heard Ashton shout, and he had just about time to turn around before Ashton’s body collided with him, his arms thrown over Calum’s shoulders as he brought him closer, burying his face on his neck. Calum breathed him in, his own arms squeezing Ashton closer by his waist, a giggle escaping past his lips at both their eagerness.

“Missed you so much.” Ashton mumbled against his neck. Calum felt him nuzzling his neck, his lips stretching into a smile that had warmth spreading through his chest.

“I missed you too.” He sighed, letting his forehead fall on Ashton’s shoulder, his heartbeat calming down, finally. All it took was having Ashton back with him, and Calum finally felt able to breathe again. He hadn’t even known how bad it had been until it all dissipated having Ashton’s breath hitting his neck, and his arms holding him strong.

They stood like that for too long to count. Calum was content breathing Ashton in, his familiar cologne, feeling the golden curls tickling his cheek. Taking in the way that Ashton’s chest rose and fell against his own, his heartbeat quick but steady. The way his arms tensed around Calum just to squeeze him closer the next instant, making both of them let out a few giggles.

Some tears rushed to Calum’s eyes in the midst of it, and he tried blinking them away, rolling his eyes at himself for getting so emotional over being back with Ashton when it had only been two weeks. He definitely wasn’t ready for Prague. If it ended up happening.

Ashton kept leaving soft kisses on his neck, whispering _I missed you so much_ every couple of minutes. Calum would stay forever like that, safe in his embrace, but he had missed Ashton’s eyes the most. So with a little reluctance he broke away a little from the hug, nudging Ashton’s face up until he could rest their foreheads together.

“That’s better.” Calum smiled softly when Ashton eyes fluttered open. “Missed your eyes.”

He felt Ashton shivering under his touch, a light blush dusting his cheeks. Calum had also missed that. Missed the way Ashton’s breath was hitting his lips. The way he smelled faintly of his after-shave. The weight of Ashton’s hand on the back of his neck, his fingers playing with his hair. The way Calum could make him blush with just a few words. The way Ashton’s voice got softer and quieter when it was just them, late at night. Gosh, his _voice._

“How was your day?” Calum asked with a smile, nuzzling the older’s nose. He may or may not have asked just to get to hear Ashton talk. Of course he was interested on the way things had gone Ashton’s first day back, but right now Calum only needed his voice.

“It was good.” Ashton smiled back, his eyes glancing towards the car parked at the opposite sidewalk where Lauren and Anne-Marie were waiting for them. Calum felt bad for not having even thought about Ashton’s family having accompanied him. Bad for making them wait, because he was sure they had been hugging for more than twenty minutes. “I’ll tell you all about it after.” Ashton smiled. “But it was good.” He added.

Calum’s hands squeezed Ashton’s waist before he searched for the older’s, lacing their fingers together. “Are you okay?” He whispered, biting his lip after.

“Yeah.” The older nodded. “Thanks for the day, Cal.”

Calum shrugged, blushing under the look Ashton was giving him. He knew the look well, was the thing. But he had rarely seen it when it wasn’t just the two of them, lost in each other. It made him feel like he was going to melt into a puddle, the feelings in his chest too much for him to control.

“Did you miss my kisses too?” Ashton asked, and he looked shy all of a sudden, Calum’s heart giving a leap at it.

“Do you really have to ask?”

* * *

“So…” Calum started once Ashton was finished towelling off his hair. He had just come out of the shower and Calum knew it had been in hopes to cool off enough that he wouldn’t break into a sweat before they went to sleep. It was a bit futile, though. If the over 20° temperature wasn’t enough, their proximity on the bed would surely make them both start sweating as soon as they lied down for a cuddle.

Ashton placed the towel over the chair at the desk, running a hand through his hair before turning back to look at him and asking, “So?”

Calum let out a small chuckle, sticking his tongue out to the older and stretching his leg so that his foot poked Ashton’s thighs.

“I may have a surprise for you.” He dropped casually.

“Surprise?” Ashton inquired, lifting Calum’s legs and taking a seat where they had been, placing them over his lap.

“Yup.” Calum nodded, giggling at the way Ashton was eyeing him trying to figure it out. “If you take my shirt off, you can find out for yourself.” Calum smirked.

“What do you…” Then Ashton squinted at him, eyebrows furrowing as he crossed his arms. “What did you do?”

Calum just smiled sweetly at him as he beckoned him closer, almost wanting to laugh at Ashton’s expression. “I think you’ll like it.” He said, biting his lip.

And he could pinpoint the exact moment Ashton realised, a ridiculous gasp escaping past his lips and some red dust colouring his cheeks. He moved a little closer, Calum keeping his eyes fixed on Ashton’s facial expressions. The older’s eyes were scanning his whole body, and Calum was sure he was trying to discern where the new tattoo was hidden.

Ashton moved then, his hands on Calum’s hips and sliding him on the bed until he was practically seated in the older’s lap, then crowded in even closer and nosed at Calum’s ear. Calum let out a breathy laugh at it, Ashton’s hands squeezing down on his hold as he left a kiss on his neck. His breath was warm, but it still made Calum shiver.

“You can’t do this to me.” Ashton let out, his voice caving in the middle of the sentence. “Not when we can’t… when we can’t do…” He trailed off, giving Calum’s earlobe a playful bite, Calum’s arms suddenly gripping him by his arms. He let out a very embarrassing whimper at the bite, but he couldn’t help it. Not when he hadn’t had Ashton like that for two weeks. Not when the older was leaving feathery kisses in his neck.

“So you don’t want to see it?” He asked with difficulty in between Ashton’s kisses making him feel like he was going to pass out.

Ashton stopped his ministrations then, coming out of his neck and pressing their foreheads together, his eyes shut. When he opened them, Calum’s breath hitched in his throat. Ashton’s hands had found their way to the hem of his tee. It had made his stomach muscles tense, more shivers spreading up from where Ashton’s fingers were touching his bare skin. Calum felt dizzy. 

“Can I take off your shirt?” Ashton asked, his voice but a whisper.

Calum nodded, heart quickening its pace as Ashton grabbed the hem of the shirt and started sliding it upwards, slowly. Calum raised his arms to help him along, and even though the touches and the moment were quiet and intimate, he couldn’t help the snort that came up his throat when Ashton’s eyes zeroed on the new tattoo. He looked completely shocked. 

“You okay there?” He chuckled softly, waiting until Ashton finished taking off his shirt and leaning forward to nuzzle his nose. “You stopped breathing, Ash.”

“I did _not_.” The older muttered, his eyes still fixed on Calum’s left shoulder.

“You like it?” Calum asked in the same tone. Ashton _was_ shocked, but he still hasn’t said one word about it. Calum bit his lip, suddenly nervous. He knew Ashton liked tattoos, and he had expected this one would be no different, but the older was still silent and his eyes hadn’t once glanced back to Calum’s. “I need you to say something. I don’t care if it’s a _‘no’_.” Calum joked, trying to get Ashton to laugh. And he did.

“Of course I like it.” Ashton said, rolling his eyes before finally looking back to Calum’s and leaning for a peck.

Calum returned almost on automatic, but it was over before he could properly savour it.

“Can I?” Ashton nodded towards the new ink, and Calum nodded, suddenly feeling lightheaded.

Ashton raised his hand, fingers hovering over the ink before they traced softly, almost like there was no touch at all. Calum could feel all the hairs at the back of his neck standing on end and a shiver running down his spine, a small sound escaping past his lips that would have made him feel embarrassed if Ashton hadn’t had that _look_ on his face.

“Tell me about it?” Ashton requested, looking up and meeting his eyes, his voice so _so_ soft.

“The artist that did it, he asked me to tell him about me.” Calum started, his own hand finding its way above Ashton’s over his shoulder and linking their fingers together, his thumb caressing Ashton’s palm lightly. “He only works out the design after talking to the people who come in, sketches it, then paints it directly over the skin before tattooing it.”

“Sounds cool.” Ashton smiled, leaning forward and nuzzling him.

“It was. I’ve never met an artist like him.” Calum admitted. “He said that to find a design that suited me he had to get to know _me_ first. He asked about the accent.” Calum laughed. “Told him I was there visiting family. That my mum is Maori and my dad is Scottish.” He breathed calmly, closing his eyes and whispering, “Told him ‘bout us, too.”

Ashton squeezed his hand, his eyes flitting down to the tattoo. It was one of the largest ones Calum had. One of the longest sessions, too, even when it hadn’t even been that long. Calum liked how the bold design stood out against his skin.

He moved their joined hands to the centre of the tat, right in the middle of his shoulder, using his index to trace the main silhouette there.

“He told me this symbolised the joining of two cultures. It’s one of the most used symbols for kirituhi, but for me it just seemed _fitting_.” He chuckled quietly.

“It is.” Ashton whispered right back, the corners of his lips turning up. Calum squeezed his hand again, bringing it up to his lips and pressing a light kiss to Ashton’s fingers.

“It also symbolises the joining of two lives.” He admitted quietly.

Ashton’s eyes slowly trek back up to his, and Calum almost felt like looking away. He was scared about that. He had told Mali it was early for rings, and that the tattoo didn’t mean the same, but… It kind of _did_ , too. Calum had walked in on his appointment with the intention of getting something that would immortalise his connection to Ashton, he just hadn’t thought it would fit his whole life so much.

 _A child of two cultures_ , the artist had said. And for a moment Calum had felt weird about it being true but also being… false. He had never looked into his Māori heritage. Well, maybe once or twice when he and Mali-Koa were little. But he had never gotten in contact with that part of himself. Being in new Zealand, with his grandmother… It had raised a few questions within him. And he liked the way the tattoo also applied to that part of his history.

But what scared him was knowing the symbol was typically chosen as a wedding gift. His relationship with Ashton was heading there, but maybe having it so clearly inked down for everyone to see had been… a little premature of him.

Ashton was looking at it again, his fingers tracing it delicately and almost hesitant. He was so close that Calum could feel the heat radiating from his chest. His own heart was beating fast inside his chest, his eyes studying Ashton as the older took in the information. Calum would have loved to know what was going on in his mind, but he also knew that it was best not to speak up. Not yet. The silence between them right then felt sacred, and the last thing Calum wanted was ruin it by talking.

He did, however, raise his hand to comb back one of Ashton’s overgrown curls that was falling into the older’s eyes, his hand staying still on the side of Ashton’s head. Ashton was still tracing it softly, his fingertips almost making Calum feel ticklish. The tattoo was itching already, meaning it was healing underneath the medical film that had to come out the next day, but he stayed still as Ashton continued to study it.

After a few seconds, the older leant forward and placed a light kiss on it, making Calum’s heart leap to his throat. It was a simple gesture, but it made some tears rush to his eyes all the same. When Ashton finally met his gaze again, his eyes were just as Calum’s.

“I think there’re no words right now to properly express what I’m feeling.” Ashton whispered, a soft chuckle escaping past his lips.

Calum smiled at him, bringing their foreheads together and using the hand still buried in Ashton’s hair to hold him close as he looked into his eyes. By the way Ashton’s eyes lit up, Calum knew he was smiling. There was no need to glance down to make sure of it. As there was no need for words. Calum understood that a simple _I love you_ was not going to cut it. So he just swallowed and closed his eyes.

“I know.”

Ashton leant forward to nuzzle at his nose, breathing close for one moment before he circled his arms around Calum’s waist, hugging him close. Calum went more than willingly, squeezing right back and sighing when he felt Ashton’s steady heartbeat against his chest. His hand was still in Ashton’s hair, gently caressing over it, his own heartbeat finally calming down as he let Ashton’s nearness wash over him.

God, how he had missed him. How his heart was back to beating steadily and calm, how he felt _safe._ It wasn’t a question anymore of if Calum had developed a dependency from Ashton. The answer was staring right into his face at the moment.

He _had_.

But just what that meant… Of course Calum felt uneasy without Ashton by his side, like he had him right now. But how could this feeling that felt so _right_ be wrong in any way? How could feeling at home ten thousand miles away from it be unhealthy?

Calum had issues, and he definitely needed to deal with those,. Especially in the face of Prague’s results coming in soon-ish. And he needed to tell Ashton. Just maybe not right now. Calum wanted to savour the feeling of being back together just a few more hours before he brought up all his drama. And he was sure Ashton needed the time, too. He looked happy to be back home, for sure. But he also looked exhausted.

“Hey, we should try to sleep.” He whispered, turning his face and kissing Ashton’s cheek lightly.

Ashton sighed, squeezing him closer for a moment, burying his face in Calum’s good shoulder and mumbling, “Okay.”

He didn’t let go for a few more minutes, though, so Calum basked himself in the moment, his fingers tracing invisible lines up and down Ashton’s back slowly, his lips finding residence more than once in Ashton’s neck. He felt content.

When Ashton finally let go, he cupped Calum’s face with his hands, leaning in for a kiss before sliding them down Calum’s arms and grabbing his hands.

“I’m going to go say goodnight to my mum.”

Calum nodded, pecking his cheek and getting up from his lap, letting Ashton go.

The air mattress Anne-Marie had insisted on getting out was up against the wall, but Calum knew they wouldn’t need it for now. No matter the absurd heat still permeating the air. So he took off the pyjama bottoms he had thrown on for propriety’s sakes while having dinner with Ashton’s family, and climbed to the bed, sliding down the cotton sheets.

He had called home while Ashton was in the shower, and it had still been surreal watching his mum and dad having breakfast just as he had finished dinner. No matter the time he had spent in New Zealand. It was still jarring.

His mum had been a little more concerned than his dad, asking how the hell had he thought of going alone in a big city, and Calum had tried stifling his laughter. It was nice that she worried, but Calum had been alone –well, alone with _Michael,_ which was worse– in London for quite a few nights during his first year of uni’s reading week, and nothing had happened. Although his parents hadn’t known about that.

Still, the day had been fine. He had taken cute pics, and strolled around Sydney, taken in the views. He just really wanted to do the same with Ashton another day, so that he could have an insight to Ashton’s previous life there. Sharing his own childhood with Ashton last Christmas had been great. Calum had felt so happy, watching as Ashton smiled every time he launched on a story about him as a kid, or about him and Michael. Ashton had seemed _interested_ in him in ways no previous partner had ever been, and Calum had felt so comfortable sharing all those parts of himself.

He wanted so badly to get to know more about Ashton. But Calum understood he wasn’t exactly in Sydney for that. He understood Ashton needed the emotional support coming back. The older wanted to show this place to him, yeah, but Calum also knew some memories were still too painful to revisit. Ashton had opened up a lot about Bec and high school. Even about his childhood. Calum should have felt lucky to know already as much as he did.

So he would take whatever Ashton gave, as he had told Lauren that morning. She had eyed him weirdly all throughout dinner, enough to make Calum feel uncomfortable about having been sitting close to Ashton. They hadn’t even been touching, and still Calum had felt her eyes on him at all times. He didn’t exactly know what was up with that. Calum could bring it up with Ashton, but he knew the older would just laugh and brush it off. After all, Lauren had done nothing that could be considered outright unwelcoming. Quite the contrary.

Maybe Calum had been just feeling weird at being with Ashton in front of his whole family. One thing was Skype. Another, much different one, was being right next to each other in front of all of them. Calum had felt the full blunt of that when they had finally let go of each other at the station and they had gone back to the car, Anne-Marie receiving him with another bone-crushing hug, but Lauren not even taking her eyes off of her phone. Calum had felt a bit shy that they could have gotten to see them as Ashton kissed him.

Ashton came back to the room after a few minutes, hovering over the doorway, barefoot and with the hallway lights making his hair look like gold. Calum felt his chest warming up at the sight, a soft smile tugging at his lips.

“Wow, it’s really like taking a trip back in time being back here.” The older breathed out, knocking twice on the frame, his eyes scanning the room.

“Come here?” Calum asked before climbing back towards the bed and letting himself rest against the bedframe, patting the space between his legs and waiting for Ashton to take the offer. Ashton went willingly, accommodating himself just fine to the small space, back flushed to Calum’s chest as he exhaled. “How was today?” Calum whispered, not being able to contain himself and leaning down to leave a kiss on Ashton’s neck.

“It was…” Ashton trailed off, taking a moment and searching for his hand, lacing their fingers together. “I don’t know. I’ve kept talking with Lauren and Harry during the time I was away, so it’s not like I don’t _know_ them. But… they grew up.” Ashton concluded in a small voice.

“I’m sorry.” Calum mumbled, his voice muffled in Ashton’s shoulder.

The older stroked over his hand with his thumb, shrugging. “It’s just the way of life. I grew up, too. It just didn’t actually sink in that they did.” Calum left another kiss on his skin at that, not really knowing what else to say. “How was your day?” Ashton changed the topic, patting his thigh with his free hand.

“Uneventful.” Calum chuckled. “Wandered aimlessly around the city, looking for shaded areas to get out of the sun.”

“My poor Northern boy.” Ashton giggled, turning in his arms to face him and kissing him, short, just to pull away giggling again.

“It’s the middle of December, I’m not used to this heat.” Calum pouted. “I’m not even used to it during my _summers._ “

“I know.” Ashton chuckled, his eyes shining as he looked into Calum’s. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you away from the sun tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah?” Calum giggled, biting his lip. “How are you going to do that, huh?”

“Mum’s taking Harry to the city for a shopping day and Lauren’s off to a birthday party _all day_.” Ashton whispered like it was a secret. Calum couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh, what a coincidence.”

Ashton smiled innocently at him, like he hadn’t done anything to make that happen, “I know, right?”

“You talk about me, but you’re just as incorrigible.” Calum chuckled, claiming Ashton’s lips in a kiss before he drew away, squinting at his boyfriend. “Wait, you just talked to your mum about it, didn’t you?”

Ashton smiled sheepishly

at him and then admitted, “Guilty.”

“Oh god.” Calum groaned, burying his face in Ashton’s bare shoulder. “This is worse than when I got us the room for our monthiversary. I didn’t think about the implications then, but your _mum_ …”

“Actually, she offered herself.” Ashton said offhandedly.

“That makes it worse.” Calum chuckled, and soon enough he could feel Ashton’s shoulder’s shaking as the older joined in.

“Well, Lauren _did_ have a party. And my mum wanted to give back for the day you’ve given us today. So.” Ashton said, his free hand taking Calum’s chin and raising his head, leaning in for a kiss that Calum instantly melted against, his breath leaving him and his head growing dizzy.

“Well, then. I guess we’ll just have to take advantage of it.” He smirked when Ashton finished the kiss. Ashton smirked right back, his hand sliding down Calum’s neck and chest until it anchored itself on his waist.

“Guess so.”

Calum wanted to laugh because of the implications, but instead he just felt a happy buzz running through his veins. Ashton had that smile in his lips that meant _trouble_ , and honestly, Calum was already counting down the minutes until the next morning. But the older looked absolutely exhausted, and he remembered he was supposed to have been helping Ashton get to sleep.

“Okay. We really need to get you to sleep now.” He said, coaching Ashton out of his embrace and sliding down to lie on the mattress, his back to the wall. “Come on, it’s the only way to beat jet lag.” He added, tugging on Ashton’s forearm, getting him to lie down as well.

But Ashton was chuckling, shaking his head. “Cal, I got four night shifts in a row just before leaving so I wouldn’t have too much of a problem with jet lag and sleeping.”

“Still, it’s better if we just go to sleep now.” Calum insisted. He missed falling asleep with Ashton, having him to snuggle into during the night. The calm it brought. Calum _needed_ it.

“For you.” Ashton whispered, knowing exactly what Calum wanted, opening his arms he to cuddle right into him. Calum knew he probably remembered their conversation from the previous week, when Calum had admitted he wasn’t sleeping well due to not having Ashton with him. And he was so glad the older did.

“Thanks.” He whispered right back, his lips leaving a feathery kiss on Ashton’s chest, settling himself for sleep and sighing contentedly.

“Love you, Cal.” Ashton said, his hand carding through Calum’s hair as Calum felt his lips pressing a kiss on his temple.

Calum squeezed his hold on him before mumbling back, “Love you, Ash.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again ^^  
> This took way longer than I thought it would, and I don't understand because there's barely any plot actually happening in here :S  
> Anyway, so for the second thing I mentioned in the notes earlier,... I debated long whether I should describe the tattoo with more detail, I even thought about sketching it on a picture of Calum just so you guys would have a reference but... I don't want to get into any problems and I know Ta Moko are sacred and have a proper culture I know nothing about, so it's best not to go into that. Also, I don't even know if Calum could get a proper Ta Moko irl, and in the fic I just didn't want to get into describing a culture I don't know (I have done my research, but I can only trust the internet so much), that's why I described it as kirituhi. So you guys can imagine the tattoo how you want :3  
> I have a feeling I wanted to say something else here but I can't remember now, so I guess that's it hahhaha  
> Thanks for reading! 💙


	5. Cinnamon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has taken me slightly less than a month to finish this, I don't know if I should feel happy about it or apologize again for the delay...😅😅  
> Hope you enjoy this one!

“Ash?”

Calum could barely make out Ashton’s face, his own eyelids closing on their own accord with sleep weighing heavily.

“Go back to sleep, babe. It’s still a few hours until daylight. Sorry I woke you up.” He heard Ashton whisper, his fingertips caressing the back of Calum’s neck and leaving goosebumps in their trace.

Everything was quiet, only the sound of their breathing reaching his ears. Calum’s brain felt hazy, thoughts never really forming. He knew he was in Australia, though. With _Ashton_. That was enough.

Calum could have easily fallen asleep again. He felt calm, comfortable, cosy. He had his face resting against Ashton’s chest, the older’s arm hugging him close around his back, their legs intertwined. But Ashton’s heartbeat wasn’t steady and calm, so Calum tried to wake himself up.

“Jetlag?” He mumbled, craning his neck to look up at Ashton’s face.

The older shook his head, sighing. “It’s just this place. Feels weird being back here.” Ashton whispered, his fingertips again tracing invisible lines in Calum’s neck and shoulders.

“Weird how?” The words felt heavy on his tongue, sleep wanting to pull him in again. He pulled away a bit from Ashton’s embrace, holding himself up on his elbow and making an effort to wake his mind, blinking a couple times. Ashton looked like he needed to talk. And Calum would never mind waking up for that.

“I grew up here.” Ashton said. “It doesn’t exactly feel like coming _home_ , though.”

Calum breathed, sliding down the hand he had had resting on Ashton’s chest and searching for the older’s free hand, giving it a squeeze. Ashton was glancing around, his eyes scanning the room like he didn’t recognise it anymore. Calum understood the feeling.

“I remember what it felt like coming back during uni breaks, and while I was working. But now it’s just… A bunch of memories that make me feel nostalgic, but they’re not _enough_.” Calum smiled sadly at him, his left hand leaving Ashton’s and caressing up and down Ashton’s arm, not really being able to add anything else. “Growing up sucks.” Ashton mumbled eventually, scrunching up his face. It prompted a soft chuckle out of Calum.

“Yeah, it does.” In that, Calum could absolutely agree with him.

He leaned forward, nuzzling Ashton’s nose and leaving a gentle kiss on his cheek before letting himself rest against the older’s chest once more. Calum felt it rising as Ashton took a deep breath, sighing. The older resumed his caressing on Calum’s skin, his fingers delicately sliding over the film dressing on Calum’s shoulder and making him shiver even in the heat.

Calum had missed that. How easy it felt being with Ashton. How comfortable in his own skin made him feel, having the older by his side. Knowing he was with the person he trusted most in the world, knowing they could say whatever was in their minds without having to think about it.

That last part made Calum feel like a hypocrite, though. He had put up the geographical distance between them as an excuse not to tell Ashton about Prague, but Calum knew that was just a part of it. And maybe right now wasn’t the best moment to tell Ashton, not while it was the middle of the night and he should perhaps help Ashton go back to sleep. But Calum couldn’t get the feeling out of his chest that if he didn’t do it now, it would just end up being more difficult as time passed.

Ashton was still caressing his nape lightly, so Calum knew he was awake. It was just a matter of finding his own inner strength to bring himself to break the silence.

“Ash?” He whispered eventually, his heart suddenly picking up inside his chest.

“Yeah?”

“I need to tell you something.” Calum breathed out immediately. Better to get it over with sooner than later.

Ashton’s fingers had stopped, and he was trying to get Calum to look at him, which he did. Ashton even reached to cup his face, his thumb gently stroking over Calum’s cheek.

“Is everything okay?” Ashton asked, his eyes worried. “Are you–”

“Everything’s fine. Promise.” Calum smiled, his left hand cupping around Ashton’s on his cheek and leaning into it. He then took a deep breath, glancing away as he admitted, “Ash,... I heard from Prague.”

“You did?”

Calum hummed. Ashton’s smiled softly at him as he added, “Good news?”

Calum nodded. It was good news, fundamentally. Knowing what he did about the selection process, Calum thought he was probably going to get the spot. Thing was, he just didn’t know if he wanted it anymore.

He could tell Ashton was waiting on him to elaborate, because the older stroked his cheek again without saying anything. Somehow he always knew when Calum still had stuff left to say. “I don’t know what to do.” Calum confessed in a small voice.

“About what?”

Calum took a deep breath, sighing. Then he bit his lip, his eyes fleeting to Ashton’s and finding nothing but encouragement there. “I don’t know if I want to go.”

To Ashton’s credit, his expression didn’t change vastly upon hearing him. Calum didn’t know if it was because Ashton had suspected it prior to Calum admitting it. Ashton did slid up his hand from Calum’s cheek to his forehead, clearing out a loose curl.

“Why? What’s changed?” He asked quietly. And it wasn’t judgy, and it wasn’t like he sounded disappointed. He was just… Ashton. Just another conversation, another hard topic, but it felt so _easy_ for Calum, opening up, telling him even his darkest thoughts. Calum felt so relieved when he realised he had had nothing to fear that he could have cried. He hadn’t wanted to admit it, but he had been scared of telling Ashton because of the reaction the older might have had. It had been such a stupid fear to have, though.

“Nothing changed.” Calum said, sitting up and glancing away for a moment. Ashton’s silent support and the way he was waiting on him to talk had Calum feeling safe enough to share this with him. “It’s just… six months? Away?” He asked, his eyes now fixed on the mattress beneath him, his hand gripping the sheet tightly.

He could feel the bed move as Ashton sat up too, his right hand suddenly taking Calum’s and forcing him to relax his fingers as he stroked them.

“Babe.”

Ashton’s voice was soft but firm, and Calum knew exactly what he was going to say. So he acknowledged it before Ashton even had an opportunity to. “I know.” He smiled at him, meeting his eyes briefly. “I know, Ash. I just wanted to tell you now that we’re together again.”

Ashton let out a slow breath at that, linking their fingers and stroking over the back of Calum’s hand with his thumb.

“Why not over the phone?”

“It’s not the same.” Calum shook his head, leaning forward and nuzzling his nose, whispering, “Over the phone I don’t have you to hold on to. Can’t see your eyes.”

He could see how his words affected Ashton, a slight shiver making him tremble, his cheeks filling in with colour. Calum himself felt his chest fill with warmth at it. Ashton was just so easy for it, so responsive. Calum loved it, loved that Ashton wore his heart on his sleeve so bravely. Loved that he was able to make Ashton feel _that_ good with just a simple statement.

But Ashton had grown quiet, now. He was looking straight at their joined hands, his brow furrowed. He seemed worried. Calum let him take his time, choosing to observe him now that he could. Ashton looked beautiful even in the aftermath of 30 + hours of travel, and his first day back in Sydney. He had a glow about him that Calum was sure being with his family was responsible for. That and being back in his hometown.

His next words surprised Calum, though. “If it’s about us, we already talked about it, Cal.” Ashton said, holding his gaze and looking extremely serious but still so open and soft. 

“It’s not us.” Calum assured him. He didn’t even look away or took a breath before he admitted, “While I was in New Zealand,... All of you were so far away, Ashton. It messed with my head.”

“You could have told me.” Ashton whispered, squeezing his hand. He hadn’t looked away once, and Calum felt comforted, sighing and leaning forward, letting his forehead rest against the older’s.

“Telling you over the phone would have made me feel worse.” Calum murmured. “It would have just highlighted you weren’t there, that what I was feeling was real.”

At that, Ashton did break the gaze, closing his eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath. He closed the gap between them, pressing a light kiss to Calum’s cheek and meeting back his eyes.

“Tell me about it?”

Calum shrugged, but he still clung to Ashton’s hands as he gave in, “My brain kept going back to me not having been there when my Nan passed. It wasn’t good.”

The silence was tangible, almost hanging over them heavily. Ashton looked like he didn’t know what to say, and honestly, Calum understood it. He was supposed to have been past it. He and Ashton had talked about it a hundred times. Hell, Calum had talked with his parents about it as well. Multiple times now. Calum was supposed to have worked through that, yet he hadn’t.

“I’m sorry.” Ashton whispered eventually.

“I know it’s a problem.”

“It’s not a _problem_ , Cal.” Ashton answered immediately. “It’s just… Something to work on.”

Calum nodded. Ashton’s words were making him feel calm, but also nervous. It was like part of his brain was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, while the forefront of his mind relaxed, basked in Ashton’s presence and love.

He nudged Ashton’s chest with his head, Ashton’s fingers burying in his hair, scratching softly before he lay down again, knowing Calum wanted to just curl up next to him. It was amazing, how just a few months of living together had made them so tuned to each other’s needs, how it felt so right with Ashton. Calum felt _safe._

“I was scared half the time I was there.” He confessed in a quiet voice.

He felt Ashton breathing deeply. “That’s why you asked how I coped with being far from here.”

Calum nodded even though Ashton hadn’t meant it as a question, his nose sliding down Ashton’s chest. The older had kept scratching him lightly over his scalp, making Calum feel sleepy again. Ashton’s calming presence plus the relief he felt at having finally opened up to him were contributing to it. And yet he knew he didn’t want to fall asleep.

“It was difficult at the start, I won’t deny that.” Ashton started. His voice was but a whisper. Calum tightened his left arm around him. “I’m not just talking about two years ago.”

“Uni?”

“Yeah.” Ashton admitted in a whisper. He had started carding through Calum’s hair, and that right there was the reason why Calum could never do this conversation over the phone. Ashton’s presence was lending him the strength to actually talk about it.

“It wasn’t hard for me, when I left for Durham.” Calum sighed. “I don’t understand what changed.”

Calum hated just how whiney he sounded just then, but he couldn’t figure out why this was affecting him _now_. His whole three-year degree, he had lived away from home. Away from Michael. Granted, he had been living at the college for the first year, on a shared flat the other two. Had had friends, yes. But he had been _alone_ , away from home. He had even enjoyed being away, finally on his own. Free to do whatever the hell he wanted. No one asking for explanations.

So this, now… It felt wrong, like it had come at a time Calum didn’t need it. He wasn’t a kid first leaving his house to be on his own. Calum had done that. He shouldn’t be feeling fear about being away from his loved ones for such a ridiculously short time as six months were.

“How hard was it for you? Leaving for uni?” He asked Ashton, his own hand starting to draw patterns on the older’s chest, up and down his stomach, over his heart.

“I had been looking after Lauren and Harry for so long… Every time mum worked over-time at the care home. Double shifts. Extra work.” Ashton sighed, his hand stopping on Calum’s shoulder but staying there, firm. A comfort still. “I had been there almost all their life, had been in charge of them. University felt…” He trailed off, chuckling, and Calum saw him shaking his head as he craned his neck up. “It felt fucking freeing. Because I wasn’t in charge of them full-time. I couldn’t be, living near uni and having a full schedule.”

Every time Ashton talked about his childhood, Calum felt his admiration for him growing. Having been through that while so young… It was certainly a formative experience, and Calum could see how it was engraved into Ashton’s personality. His caring nature. The way he threw himself into work, providing help for _others_.

Calum knew that because of that, albeit as freeing as it must have felt to be suddenly on his own, Ashton would have probably gone through a very rough time. Being away from Harry and Lauren. Even from his mum.

“You missed them, though. Right?” Calum whispered.

“Yeah.” Ashton breathed. “Called daily for a solid year and a half. Sometimes twice a day. Just to know they were okay. And I was like an hour away from them with public transport. It wasn’t _that_ far away.”

Calum nodded. Given what he had experienced yesterday, yeah. An hour away by transport didn’t seem that long, not in a place like Sydney. For Calum, though, having grown up in a village with Glasgow an hour away, that time made all the difference in the world. But a big city was different.

“Sometimes I would just hop on a train and show up unannounced here just to have my mum shake her head at me.” Ashton remembered, a slight chuckle escaping past his lips.

“But you weren’t… You didn’t have…” Calum trailed off, his own hand stopping as his heart lurched inside his chest. Ashton was quick to reach for it, covering it with his big hand and squeezing down.

“No, I didn’t have anxiety.” He said. Then he rolled a bit on his side, allowing Calum to look at him without having to strain his neck. “Calum, I was scared too while you were at your grandmother’s. But we kept checking in. It was okay.”

“I know.” Calum nodded. “I had Mali with me in Dunedin, though. I wasn’t alone.” He added stubbornly. He just didn’t know why the idea of being alone and away from everyone terrified him now, when it had never bothered him before.

“I know you weren’t.” Ashton sighed. Then he smiled, holding his hand tighter and leaning forward for a small peck. He pulled away slowly, his breath still hitting Calum’s lips as he whispered, “You’re stronger than you believe. We’ve always said we were scared of taking steps forward in our relationship and look at us. We’re still here.”

“Yeah, but with you it’s different. I’m scared sometimes, but I know you’re in it with me. Going off to Prague on my own…” Calum huffed a laugh. “It’s like I’m having Peter Pan syndrome. Scared of growing up.” He murmured, shaking his head. It was unbelievable that this fear was appearing just now. Didn’t make sense at all.

“We’re all scared of growing up, Cal.” Ashton hugged him closer, sighing and dropping a kiss on his hair. It made the hairs on the back of Calum’s neck stand up.

“I know.” Calum mumbled. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes. He could feel Ashton’s heartbeat where his hand was still pressed against the older’s chest. It was… it felt like home. “Thanks for… not judging.”

“I’m never going to, babe.” Ashton promised hastily. Then he added, “I want you to feel like you can tell me everything.” He heard Ashton letting out a deep breath, his chest going down slowly. “You feel like that for me.” Ashton mumbled, leaving a light kiss on the top of Calum’s head that made him shiver.

“You too.” Calum assured him. “It’s just a bit challenging sometimes, I’ve been second-guessing myself a lot.” He added quietly.

Ashton’s breath hit his temple, warm. Then there was the press of his lips there.

"Let's go back to sleep, yeah?" Ashton whispered to him after a couple of seconds.

He tangled up his legs with Calum's, squeezing him closer. Calum went easily, cuddling in and burying his face in Ashton's neck, kissing him lightly and muttering, "Love you."

"And I you."

* * *

“Cal?” A soft voice he slowly identified as Ashton’s reached his ears, pulling Calum from his dream.

But not entirely. It had been a pleasant dream. A good dream. Something childish, like travelling out to the stars, but it had been fun. Calum tried to will himself back into it, to find out how the adventure ended, but a gentle caress on his cheek and Ashton’s lips on his temple made him lose it like water scurrying through his fingers.

“Babe?”

Calum mumbled incoherently at him, burying his face against the mattress and sighing. His mind was still hazy, and as the memories of their talk in the middle of the night came back, it didn’t get better.

He reached blindingly for Ashton, finding his arm and tugging on it. “ _Cuddle_.”

He hoped he looked sleepy enough that Ashton gave into it. It wasn’t often that they could sleep in, not with Ashton’s ever changing shifts and the way Calum’s at the shop usually didn’t line up so that they were both home in the morning. So Calum took his chances when he could. And Ashton was never too far behind.

The older was an early bird most of the time, but he liked sleeping same if not more than Calum himself. So Calum wasn’t surprised when he heard Ashton giggle and give into it, pecking his lips and making Calum’s own tilt up.

“Morning.” Ashton said between kisses.

“Morning.” Calum giggled, finally opening his eyes to find Ashton’s looking right at him. “Before you ask, yeah, I slept well.” Calum added, giggling some more at the way Ashton rolled his eyes at him.

“Not too hot?” Ashton asked anyway, and Calum just knew he had to take the chance.

“Why? Is it about to get even more hot?” He smirked, delighting in the way Ashton’s cheeks started filling in with colour as the older swat his thigh playfully.

“I don’t know.” Ashton stated, pursing his lips. But it was clear he was affected. He hadn’t taken his hand away from Calum’s thigh after the swat, instead gripping it lightly, and Calum could feel his stiffy pressed tight against him. Calum _lived_ for mornings like these.

“Why not?” He smirked, his own hand travelling from Ashton’s arm to his stomach, fingers tracing invisible lines that he knew riled Ashton the fuck up. Specially for morning sex.

“I don’t know if they’re still here, I just woke up.” Ashton explained, biting his lip. His eyes flickered to the door, then back to Calum.

“Then I guess we’ll just have to risk it.” Calum shrugged, giggling as Ashton’s cheeks got even redder. “I’m joking.” Calum added, smiling dumbly at Ashton and laughing again when Ashton whined and hid his face in his neck. Calum glanced down, taking a deep death and closing his eyes, kissing Ashton’s curls tightly.

They stayed like that for a while, Calum’s mind still cloudy at the edges from sleep despite the pull of want he felt. They would have time later. Lots of time. For now, he wanted to appreciate Ashton cuddling into him, letting out small pleased sounds as Calum kept tracing light patterns on his stomach, his back, his arm. Calum loved him like this.

At one point his own arm started to cramp, feeling heavy with the time Calum had been holding it up, so he found a place on Ashton’s hip and settled there.

“Keep going.” Ashton mumbled against his neck.

“Can’t, cramp.”

“Hm.”

Calum didn’t know if to laugh or to melt at it. His heart always beat quicker whenever Ashton behaved like this, all cute, and it didn’t wear off with time. Calum felt himself falling in love just a little bit more every day. And Ashton like this, sleepy and adorable and cuddly,... Yeah. He was a weak man.

“Love you.” He breathed quietly.

He felt Ashton shivering at it, Calum’s own heart reacting accordingly and sending warmth through his veins until he felt tingly all over.

Ashton turned his head from where he was still hiding in Calum’s neck, his lips lightly pressing against Calum’s pulse on his neck. Then he started tracing his way up, Calum’s breath hitching as Ashton got to his earlobe, biting lightly on it before whispering back, “Love you too.”

The way his voice was still rough enough from sleep coupled with Ashton’s hand tightening on his thigh had Calum unable to keep the whine inside his throat.

“Baby.” Calum warned. Although his voice came out weak under Ashton’s sudden kiss just below his ear, Calum’s entire body reacting to it and sending a jolt of electricity down his spine.

“Hm?” Ashton hummed innocently.

“You told me no.” Calum whined.

He was starting to get hard. Having Ashton so close after two weeks, it wasn’t exactly easy for Calum not to react to him. Plus, he had always been horny in the mornings. Sleepy morning sex was a thing Calum vouched for with all his might. And even if he hadn’t been feeling horny, who was he kidding? He would be up for sex any time of the day if Ashton kept kissing him like that.

“Maybe I changed my mind.” Ashton grumbled against his skin, his teeth tracing the stretch of Calum’s neck before he pulled away, locked eyes with him.

Calum held his gaze for as long as he could, struggling to remain serious and collected, but really, he couldn’t hold it too long. He broke out into giggles and used Ashton’s adorable confusion as a leverage to straddle him, his hands quickly finding the older’s and holding them still while he kept giggling like a madman. Ashton still looked slightly confused, and it did nothing but fuel Calum’s laughter until the older counter-attacked by thrusting his hips up, making him lose balance and crumple on top of Ashton’s chest. It didn’t stop the giggles, though.

“What’s gotten into you?” Ashton asked, his own voice tinted with mirth.

“Dunno.” Calum admitted between the giggles, happy when he saw Ashton’s lips turning up. “Guess I’m just happy to be back with you.”

Ashton rolled his eyes, but Calum could see the blush extended all the way to his chest. Which… He leaned back, his hand letting go of one of Ashton’s wrists and sliding up his forearm slowly, then his arm, shoulder, neck, until he cradled Ashton’s face in his palm, staring into his eyes and smiling.

“You gonna kiss me or what?” Ashton smirked at him.

Calum huffed a laugh and leaned back in, his lips sealing on Ashton’s tenderly, his eyes slipping shut. Ashton had snaked his free hand to the small of Calum’s back, the weight of it having Calum almost sighing against Ashton’s lips even before he properly kissed him. It didn’t take long for Ashton to deepen the kiss, though, biting Calum’s lower lip and getting him to open his mouth. That time Calum did sigh against him, melting even more against Ashton when the older swiped his tongue against his teeth, a shiver running through him. Calum had missed this.

Ashton’s hands pressed against him tighter, making their chests flush together as he kept the rhythm of the kiss going. Calum could do nothing but try to keep up with him, feeling dizzy at it all. Ashton did something with his tongue that had him feeling weak in the knees even when he was lying down, a uninhibited moan coming up his throat. It made him break the kiss, resting his forehead against Ashton’s and trying to get air back into his lungs in a way that didn’t make him feel like he was going to pass out. But Ashton had other plans, because his teeth traced the way from Calum’s jaw to his neck, keeping the moans coming from Calum’s mouth.

“Ash.” He groaned after a particularly hard bite from Ashton’s that Calum was sure was going to leave a mark on him.

“Hm?” The older asked, kissing over the abused skin and letting himself fall against the pillow again, meeting Calum’s eyes.

“Do we even have lube here?” Calum asked point blank.

Ashton snorted at him, closing his eyes for a moment as laughter tumbled out of his lips. “Do you really think I would have started anything without having lube?” He said as he opened his eyes again and stared up at him.

“Where?”

Ashton nodded towards the desk where his travel bag was. Calum was about to scramble up to go get it when Ashton grabbed him by the arm.

“Hey, hey. Where you going?” He asked, furrowing his brow.

“You serious?” Calum chuckled. But he made no move to get up.

“I thought we could slow things up a bit.” Ashton replied, his hand moving up to grab at Calum’s bicep as he smirked. “Take our time.” Ashton looked up at him, a cute blush spreading through his cheeks, as if he was embarrassed of having asked Calum to slow things down.

Something stronger than want blossomed inside Calum’s chest. He leant down to claim Ashton’s lips in another kiss, gentler, slower. Shuddering underneath him when he licked over his lips, Ashton gripped his arm tighter. His other hand was still in the small of Calum’s back slid down further and copped a feel that had Calum himself letting out a small whine. Ashton seemed to get encouraged by it, because he groped him harder, sucking on Calum’s tongue. Dizzy as fuck, Calum returned the gesture, deepening the kiss and teasingly moving his hips against the older’s. The way Ashton groaned made Calum smile against his lips, drawing some more sounds from Ashton as he alternated light pecks and deep kisses.

When Calum felt his lips go numb, he ended the kiss slowly, sighing against Ashton’s lips and taking in Ashton’s own sigh as the older opened his eyes.

“If you wanted to make out, you could have just said so.” Calum giggled softly. Ashton smacked him lightly on his bum, and okay. That was… “You know what _that_ does to me, Irwin.” He added between his teeth as he moved his hips against Ashton’s again knowing full well the older could feel his cock sliding against his own through their boxers.

“I _do_ know.” Ashton smirked.

“So you don’t want slow?” Calum laughed, cocking his head at Ashton. “Because you’re sending some mixed signals, baby.”

“I just-.” Ashton started, stopping himself and taking his hand back to Calum’s back. “I missed you. I kinda want to slow things down but, babe…” He trailed off, the way his voice caught making Calum hold himself up so he could look properly into Ashton’s eyes. But Ashton’s gaze was zeroed on his shoulder. “Shit, your new tat is not _fair_ at all.” He whined, and Calum actually wanted to giggle, but he kept it in. “You’re too hot.”

That made heat rise up to Calum’s cheeks. He scrunched up his face, shaking his head. Then he focused his attention on Ashton again, smiling softly. “Well, _you_ are hot too. And I get wanting to slow things down, Ash. I do.” Calum added, leaning forward for a soft kiss, taking in Ashton’s shudder and feeling warmth spreading through his chest at it.. “It’s just that I have two weeks of pent up frustration -aye, staying at Nanna’s and sharing a room with Mali dinnae exactly leave lots of room to sneak in a wank, as I told you last week-, and right now, I just want you to fuck me.” Calum ended his rant knowing full well his cheeks must have turned tomato red, but the change in Ashton’s face more than made up for it.

“Yeah? That bad?” He was smirking, and it was making Calum’s stomach flip-flop just thinking about it.

“ _Please_.” He breathed out, shuddering when Ashton’s hands went back to his ass, squeezing.

“Get naked.”

Calum didn’t have to be told twice. He leant for another quick peck, giggles tumbling out of his mouth to which Ashton shook his head as Calum got up, taking off his sleeping tee and stripping off his boxers. He ran to get the lube, expecting to see Ashton naked too when he turned around, but the older was seated at the edge of the bed staring at him. Still wearing his undies.

“What?” Calum laughed again, but when Ashton didn’t react, he stopped cold. “Ash?” He asked, worried.

“It’s nothing.” Ashton shook his head. “Come here.” He gestured Calum to come closer, a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Ashton.”

“‘S nothing. No worries.” He repeated. But Calum didn’t let it go, looking at him intently. “Just felt observed when I noticed the photographs.”

 _Oh._ “Oh.” Calum repeated out loud, suddenly feeling uncomfortable being naked.

He drew in on himself, not knowing where to look. Ashton must have felt his discomfort, though, because it didn’t take even a second before Calum heard him getting up from the bed and walking to him. And then he was taking his hands in his left hand and lifting Calum’s face with his right one, looking worried.

“Hey.”

“It’s okay, I get it.” Calum shrugged, playing it down. He understood it, really. He hadn’t thought of it until Ashton brought it up, focused as he had been on him, but now that Ashton had said it out loud… It _was_ weird. Bec was everywhere.

“I… don’t think you do.” Ashton said slowly, frowning. “I meant weird because there’s like a hundred pics of Harry and Lauren and my _mum_ all around us.” Ashton chuckled.

“And Bec.”

“And her.” Ashton admitted, worrying his lip as his eyes flickered away. “Look, it’s not-. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, Cal.”

“I don’t.” Calum promised hastily. But the look Ashton gave him had him adding, “Well, I did. Because I thought you were… I don’t know.”

Ashton sighed in front of him, and he looked worried but determined.

“Cal, it wasn’t-. I just felt weird having my mum looking at me from those pics behind you when the only thoughts running through my head were how much I wanted to just pounce on you.” Ashton grimaced.

“‘ _Pounce’_ on me?” Calum snickered.

“Shut up.” Ashton laughed, looking away, embarrassed. Calum leant forward and nuzzled him, leaving a kiss on his cheek.

“I just thought maybe it was awkward for you because of Bec.” He admitted quietly.

Ashton nodded, closing his eyes for a moment and taking a breath. “It feels weird being back here, yeah. Having her all around me. But it’s not awkward. It doesn’t _hurt_ anymore, Cal. Not like last year.” He said. Calum thought he sounded sincere. But then again…

“But the nightmare…” He trailed off, worrying his lip.

“That was… I don’t know. I guess just bad timing. It wasn’t even _that_ bad, Cal. I promise.” Ashton’s lips twitched upwards, and Calum saw the openness in his eyes. “I didn’t even dream about the whole thing. And it was hazy. Plus, Luke exaggerated my reaction.”

“You woke up hyperventilating, Ash. That’s not normal.”

“I know it’s not. But it wasn’t bad. I felt fine, after. Didn’t feel exhausted.” The older went on. “The cardiac arrest must have just triggered the memory. That’s all.”

He looked so sure… Calum had no choice but to believe him. After all, he couldn’t assess whatever was going on on Ashton’s state of mind. Only Ashton could. And Calum trusted his words.

“Okay.” He smiled, turning his right hand around and squeezing Calum’s, lacing their fingers together. “I don’t know about you, but I’m kinda hungry and my boner died.”

Ashton snorted, shaking his head at him. “You’re always hungry.”

“ _Oi_. Enough of that. One thing is you teasing me about it, but you told your _mum_. I’m not letting that go.” Calum complained, letting go of Ashton’s hand and picking up his boxers from the floor.

“I didn’t exactly _made up_ stuff. Your stomach is a black hole.” Ashton laughed, staring at him as Calum put his boxers back on.

“You’re mean.” He pouted, and then demanded, “Make me breakfast.”

“As you wish.” Ashton chuckled, sort of curtsying and offering him a hand Calum took gladly. 

Ashton lead the way down, his hand securing the grip on Calum’s by linking their fingers again. Even despite Calum having witnessed how quiet the house was yesterday’s morning with everyone there, now he was sure they were alone. It was confirmed by a post-it on the fridge when they walked into the kitchen, Anne-Marie wishing them a good morning.

She informed them, though, that she had been called to work after lunch, so they would have to pick up Harry before that. Ashton looked actually disappointed at it, whining about not getting even a full day for them to be alone.

“Ash, we live together.” Calum chuckled, hugging him from behind while Ashton finished reading the note.

“I know, I know.” Ashton laughed back, resting for a moment his back to Calum’s chest before ushering him away, “Take a seat. I’ll make breakfast.”

“Kay.” Calum smiled, walking to the place he sat in the day before, taking out his phone and sending a quick message to Michael.

They had agreed on a call later today –well, earlier the next day for Michael–, and Calum needed to know the exact time so he could plan. While he waited for him to reply, Calum pulled up Twitter and begun scrolling down the moments section, trying to get up to date with everything that was going on in the world.

It was only when he smelt coffee that he looked up, finding Ashton happily humming some song while he served himself a cup, hips moving along. His head was even bopping at the rhythm that his bare feet were keeping on the floor. Calum kind of wanted to take a video of it so he could revisit the moment later, stare at it with heart eyes. But he chose to just observe him, trying to instil the memory in his brain.

It were moments like these that made him feel so happy, so lucky to be with Ashton. The older was a treasure, and even little moments like this one, that would probably be skipped over by other people, meant the world to Calum. It were moments like these that made Calum fall in love with him all over again, each day, every day. That made him feel so happy he accepted Ashton’s proposition of moving in together back in August. It allowed him to witness stuff like this all the time.

His phone buzzed in his hand with an incoming message from Michael, wishing him a _good fucking_ and telling him he would be available at around 6pm Sydney time. Calum chose to think the word _‘time’_ was missing from his first text and locked the phone after answering him.

When he looked back up, Ashton was offering him a plate with toasts. Toasts with butter and...

“You brought Marmite? For me?” He asked wide-eyed, warmth spreading all through him as Ashton nodded with a soft smile, nodding towards the counter. “Brought you tea, too.”

Calum squealed, getting up from his seat and rushing to the older, throwing his arms around Ashton and squeezing him like there was no tomorrow. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” He giggled as he littered Ashton’s face with kisses, letting go and clapping.

“You’re…” Ashton trailed off, that look on his face that made Calum feel so loved it almost brought tears to his eyes.

“Thank you.” He repeated, hanging himself from Ashton’s right shoulder and kissing his cheek.

“Come on, tea’s going to get cold, love.”

If Calum let out an embarrassing noise at the pet name, well. No one save Ashton was around to hear it.

* * *

“How are you doing? You look tired af.”

“I’m good.”

Calum frowned. Michael wasn’t exactly known for being short on words. There was definitely something going on, and it had been going on for a while now, ever since that day he showed up at their flat unannounced. Calum thought it would be a passing something given that Michael hadn’t fessed up to it, but it was becoming abundantly clear that it was something major. And that Michael hadn’t told him anything was making Calum worry even more.

“What’s wrong?”

Michael’s eye roll was still clear even through the pixilated screen. “I keep telling you it’s nothing.”

“And I’ll keep calling you out on your bullshit.” Calum snorted, not really believing how Michael could be this obtuse. “Mate, I _know_ there’s something wrong.”

Michael didn’t answer to that, which Calum took as a tacit acknowledgement of his statement. And it worried him that even when Michael was aware he had noticed something was wrong, he still held his mouth shut.

“Is it serious?” He asked tentatively.

Michael sighed and raised his hand to rub his face. “What kind of serious do you mean?”

“I’m on the other fucking side of the world, serious means you need me _there_.” Calum said. And he would. Fly right back if Michael just said the word. But the older just smiled at him, letting out a small chuckle.

“Then no. It’s not serious.” Michael shook his head. “Man, relax. It’s just something I didn’t expect to happen, but I’m _fine_.”

“Is it Grace?” Calum asked, worrying his lip. And then a sudden thought popped in his brain and his eyes widened as he gasped. “Oh my god. Is she _pregnant_?”

“No. _No, no, no, no, no._ **_No_** _._ “ Michael blurted out, his own eyes bulging out. Fear was written all over his face. “She’s _not_ pregnant. That I know of. Oh god, would you imagine that? Me, a dad? _Now_?” He laughed nervously, his eyebrow twitching. “That would be _dangerous._ And _serious_ enough for you to get your ass back here. I can’t be a _dad_. I’m barely an _adult_.”

“Well, you’re not wrong there. I can hardly understand how you adult successfully.” Calum muttered, but apparently his laptop had a good enough microphone to catch it, because next Michael was complaining.

“Oi. _I_ can say I’m shit at life.” He said strongly. “You’re supposed to balance my negative tendencies and tell me I’m not that bad.”

“Yeah, but we don’t _lie_ to each other.” Calum giggled, shaking his head. He was still thinking about whatever the hell was making Michael act weird, but he didn’t want to press either. He would inevitably come to Calum when he was ready, like he had done a thousand times before. Besides, he said he was fine, so Calum wasn’t _too_ worried. Just a wee bit.

“So,... You’re good?” Michael asked after a couple of minutes of silence.

Calum could hear the hesitance in his tone, indicating that he was unsure of how to ask what Calum knew the older really wanted to ask. But he didn’t have an answer.

“Yeah, I guess.” He shrugged in the end.

“Come on, give me something more than _‘Yeah, I guess’_.” Michael prodded.

Calum almost fulminated him with his gaze. If Michael could not share what was going on with him until he was ready, Calum deserved to be able to pretend not to think about Prague and his future life for at least a day.

“What do you want me to say?” He asked in the end, to which Michael raised his hands in sign of defeat and mouthed a sorry that had Calum feeling a bit mean for having talked to him in that tone.

“Things good with the in-laws?” Michael asked, probably aware that a change of topic would be best.

“Yeah, they’re nice.” Calum smiled, thinking about it. And then he chuckled. “Like. They’re Ashton’s _family_.” _How could they be anything_ but _nice?_

“Yeah, I can only imagine.” Michael snorted, shaking his head.

“His mum’s… Interesting.” Calum chuckled silently, even checking over his shoulder to check that the door remained shut. Ashton was downstairs watching a movie with his family, but Calum still preferred to check.

“Like your mum interesting or…” Michael trailed off.

“First off, my mum’s not _interesting_ like that. You and Nanna definitely have a peculiar grasp on her character.” Calum squeaked. Michael muttered something like he enjoyed talking to Joy and Calum would have given him a light slap if he had had him right next to him. “Second, no. Like Anne-Marie is hilarious and has this _vibrant_ feel to her. I definitely get where Ashton gets his humour from, but he’s so well-behaved and so _responsible_ most of the time that it’s a bit of a wonder.” Calum chuckled.

When Ashton let go, when he enjoyed himself... Those were some of Calum’s favourite moments. He loved that Ashton was so grown up too, he balanced Calum out in so many aspects. But watching the glee in his eyes whenever they play-chased each other around the flat, or that time Ashton had surprisingly started a food fight? That was the shit. The laughter spilling from the older’s lips always made Calum feel so happy he could burst.

“Man, you’re in so deep. You have some serious heart-eyes going on right now.” Michael snickered, covering his face with his hands.

“Shut up.” Calum muttered, feeling himself blush, but it was _Michael_. Michael, who had heard him sighing and talking about Ashton non-stop on the early days of their relationship. Michael, who had heard Calum ramble on and on about their sex life once they got things going. Ashton was the best he’d ever had, and Calum had just felt the need to scream about it, Michael had just been the unfortunate guy who got to listen to it. After everything Calum and Michael had actually gone through, Calum knew he really had nothing to feel embarrassed about.

He changed the topic anyway, eyes fleeting down to where his fingers were playing with the frayed edge of his sleep tee. Ashton had asked about that, but Calum had assured him it had only been his mindset during his time on New Zealand. But now he was worried again. “I think Ashton’s sister hates me.”

“ _How?”_

“I don’t know, she’s friendly and nice enough, but I get this weird vibe from her.” Calum shrugged. But he was a bit bummed out that Ashton’s sister wasn’t warming out to him. “She kinda… walked in on us today.”

“No way.” Michael snorted, his eyes wide. “Mate, you have to be more careful.”

“We weren’t fucking, Mike.” Calum rolled his eyes. “She was supposed to have been away at some party all day, we thought we were going to be alone.”

“Where were you?” Michael smirked, raising an eyebrow.

“Living room couch.”

“Nice, Hood.”

“Fuck off.” Calum laughed, blushing again. They had just been making out. Well. Ashton’s hand had been feeling up his cock above Calum’s boxers, but that… Lauren couldn’t have seen that. Ashton had been blanketing him from head to toe. And besides, after that morning… The bedroom felt a weird place to initiate anything. “This morning, uh, something happened in Ashton’s room.”

“Please, do tell me more. I wanna know all about how he fucked you to tomorrow.” Michael said in a monotone voice.

“We didn’t. That’s the thing. He has his entire wall covered with pics from his family and Otto and Bec. He stopped dead in his tracks just before we…” Calum trailed off, frowning. “But it was my fault. I thought there was something about Bec’s pics, but Ashton said he just felt weird about having sex when his mum was like, staring at us from all the photos.” Calum chuckled silently.

“That I _do_ get.” Michael nodded, grimacing. “Grace insisted on having a picture we took with my parents on the shelf we got above the headboard. Looking up to find my dad staring at me mid-fuck… Not great.” He shuddered.

Calum laughed along, even when he was still slightly worried about it happening again another day. He had half a mind to begin searching for a room to book, just as he had told Ashton before leaving Cambourne. He missed having privacy. Calum missed their _space_ , their home.

“Anyways, I think Lauren has something against me.” Calum repeated out loud, getting the conversation back on track.

“I mean, you were shagging her older brother right where anyone could see.” Michael cracked up.

“Told you we weren’t shagging. Just… making out and some heavy petting.” Calum admitted under his breath. “But that’s not it. She was already like that when I first got here. Asked me how much I knew about Bec.” Calum said, raising up his hand and biting his fingernail. He stopped as soon as he realised, tsking at himself for falling back to old habits. “I just don’t want her to hate me.” He whispered, looking back to Michael on the screen.

“I’m sure she doesn’t, Cal. Maybe she just needs time.” The blonde shrugged.

“Let’s hope that’s it.”

* * *

“Let’s go out.” Ashton suddenly said, placing his mug back on the counter and turning to look at him with a grin. “Let’s go to the beach.”

He looked so hopeful, eyes full of mirth that Calum couldn’t help but smile right back.

“Okay.”

They had been holed up inside for two days. Ashton just couldn’t stop smiling whenever he was around his family, and Calum hadn’t wanted them to go out and take that away from him for even a second.

“Yeah?” Ashton checked again, arching an eyebrow at Calum having agreed so fast. Calum only rolled his eyes at him and nodded.

“Aye, why not?” He chuckled, giggling even more when Ashton leaned over the table to kiss him. It made Calum blush when he remembered Lauren had a direct line of view of them from the couch at the living room. She had been… Not exactly as cold as she had the first day, when Ashton still hadn’t been home. But Calum couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something there. He bit his lip, eyes flitting to her for a moment to find her engrossed in her phone. “Let’s invite Lauren and Harry.” He said, turning back to look at Ashton.

“I was kinda hoping on it being the two of us.” Ashton frowned.

Calum knew Ashton would say that. Knew Ashton would try to argue for them to go out on their own after the disaster that had been the first day when Ashton had promised they would be alone. After breakfast they had wandered to the couch, falling into it a mess of giggles and making out like teenagers. Ashton had been teasing him in a way that Calum had thought was going to lead to a very much needed handie. That had been when Lauren walked in on them, muttered a quick “ _sorry_ ” and hurried up to her room, giving a tremendous bang with her door and locking herself inside. After that they had had to go pick up Harry from the station. And since then he and Ashton hadn’t really had any time for themselves save for a few minutes before settling into bed.

It had been three days and Calum was beginning to feel frustrated, but he also knew that deep down Ashton didn’t really want to waste the precious little time he had with his siblings. And Calum knew exactly how he could get Ashton to agree.

“Just think about this.” He smiled evilly before leaning over the table close to him and whispering, “They can take photos of us. No more selfies.” He grinned at Ashton, and he knew he had to look like a madman, but he didn’t care.

“Shit, you’re right. It would be so nice to have something to frame without half my arm on the picture.” Ashton said quietly to himself, his eyes wide.

“Right?” Calum prodded.

Ashton looked at him for a moment there, and Calum could see the hesitation in his eyes, but then he was shouting, “Lauren, get Harry! We’re going to the beach!”

Calum grinned at him again, grabbing his face with both his hands and drawing him in for a quick peck, pulling away in between giggles.

And then he remembered.

“Fuck, I can’t have the sun hitting the tat.” He tsked.

“Shit, true.” Ashton muttered. “Mm. Okay. We must have some beach umbrellas out back. I’ll check.” He said, worrying his lip.

“Nice. I’ll be in the shower.” Calum grinned.

* * *

“Ash?” Calum asked from the shower when he heard the door of the bathroom open and close. It was ridiculous. Calum knew no one else would come in, but he still asked.

When the shower door opened, he didn’t even need to turn to know it was Ashton, though, and the way his hands grabbed Calum’s hips was a dead giveaway.

“Thought I would join you.” Ashton said, hooking his chin over Calum’s shoulder and turning his face to press his lips against his neck.

“What are you up to?” Calum asked, shifting his own head to look at him, Ashton innocently smiling at him. Damn, he was cute when he was up to something.

“Nothing.”

“Liar.” Calum accused, giggling right after. He shook his head, rolled his eyes, and went back to grab the soap from the little shelf on the corner when Ashton tightened his hold on him.

“Stop.”

And shit if that tone of voice didn’t send a shiver down Calum’s spine. And it was _unfair_ , because Ashton knew they couldn’t do anything. For fuck’s sake, Lauren was probably on her room across the hall getting ready and she would be able to hear everything.

“Ash.”

The older pressed his lips again to his neck, tongue actually darting out to lick its way until Ashton reached his ear, sucking on Calum’s earlobe and ending the kiss with a bite. Calum couldn’t have contained the whine that rose up his throat even if he had tried.

“You just need to be _quiet_.” Ashton whispered right in his ear, that sexy voice he seemed to put on while they were having sex having Calum feeling weak, his entire body melting back against the older’s and hoping Ashton would hold him.

“Baby.” Calum sighed as Ashton went back to sucking on his neck, this time with a purpose.

But then his mind flew back to that first morning together with Ashton on his room and Calum found the strength to push him away gently but firmly, turning around to face him.

Ashton looked downright _edible_ , and that didn’t exactly made things easy. Not when Calum’s cock twitched at the very attractive sight of a very naked, very wet, very _hard_ Ashton. Calum tried to remember himself why he had stopped him and his eyes snapped back to Ashton’s.

“The other day we didn’t keep going because you felt weird about _pictures_ of your family ‘observing’ us while we were going at it and now you want to have sex while they’re right next room?” He asked incredulously.

“Want you.” Ashton whispered, hand stroking over Calum’s stomach tenderly.

His voice had been strong, but Calum knew his resolve was all but when he looked into his eyes. And he also knew _why_ Ashton was suggesting it.

“Ash.” Calum whispered back, reaching for Ashton’s wrist and stopping him. By the way the older had phrased it, he knew Ashton was trying to make up for the last couple of times. “We don’t have to.”

“I need this. I need you.” This time, the determination reached his eyes. “Please.”

“Fuck.” Calum muttered, closing his eyes but nodding all the same, any inhibition he felt fading away in the face of Ashton’s gaze on him.

Ashton didn’t really waste a second, leaning forward and capturing his mouth in a kiss that turned filthy right away, tongues sliding against each other, teeth clacking with the lust that was fuelling them. Calum let out a miniscule moan that had Ashton playfully slapping his ass and biting down on his lip as a warning, but shit, this thing was so hot Calum couldn’t even think of what would be heard from outside.

Just so the older could have some of his own medicine, swallow his words about being loud, Calum turned them around, slammed Ashton against the wall, took his other wrist and held them both up over Ashton’s head. Muttering a curse, the older sent him a heated look, hair already plastered to his forehead with the water falling from the shower, but Calum only smirked. His lips found themselves pressing slightly to Ashton’s pulse, kissing it tenderly before he started sucking on the skin. Moans tumbled out of Ashton’s mouth, quiet, but still there, and Calum felt a fire spread through him at them. It flared up when Ashton pushed their hips together, his cock sliding right against Calum’s and making him feel so good he couldn’t breathe.

He kept his path up Ashton’s neck, sucking and biting and kissing until he arrived at the older’s earlobe, tracing it lightly with his teeth before he whispered right next to his ear, “And what exactly had you planned for us, baby?”

A shiver went down Ashton’s spine, him visibly shuddering at Calum’s words, but when he whispered back in Calum’s own ear, “Want you to fuck my face.”, his voice made Calum’s knees weak and his hold on his Ashton’s wrists slacken as he melted against the older’s chest.

“There’s no way you can expect me to be quiet through _that,_ Ash.” Calum hissed under his breath, coming out of Ashton’s neck and looking at him with wide-eyes.

“Come on, it will be fun.” Ashton winked.

And shit, Calum remembered the last time Ashton had said something like that. He had ended up getting the fuck of his life against a wall, cumming so hard he almost passed out.

When he and Ashton had started dating, Calum hadn’t pegged him for someone who would be up for exploring outside of plain vanilla. Oh boy, had Calum been wrong. And how thankful he was every day of having been proven wrong time and again, ever since the _first time_ they were together.

Sex with Ashton was always _fun_. But those times, yeah. There was a reason Calum kept coming back to them for inspiration every time he needed a wank.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” Calum chuckled breathlessly and happily kissed Ashton back when the older went in for a quick peck.

“But you enjoy it so much.” Ashton laughed back, winking at him again and turning them around again, his hands suddenly pressing Calum’s hips against the cold tiles and making Calum take a sharp intake of breath. “You just love this, don’t you?” Ashton smirked, his tongue tracing a sinuous line from Calum’s neck to the middle of his chest, giving a playful bite to Calum’s right nipple before continuing his way to his stomach, already on his knees when he looked up to Calum as he left a butterfly kiss on his hipbone.

He stared at Calum as he got lower and lower, parting Calum’s thighs and starting to leave love-bites all over his skin, having Calum taking his fist to his mouth and biting hard into it, trying to keep the groans to a minimum. It wasn’t fair. Ashton knew his thighs were sensitive, and he always delighted in having Calum moaning loud whenever he attacked them. This time wasn’t the exception.

“Shit, Cal. You’re so hot.” He whispered, pulling away to take a breath and touching himself like he couldn’t help it. It brought a whimper out of Calum’s mouth that he tried to stifle in his palm. But Ashton continued like he couldn’t shut up, “Missed marking up your thighs.” He punctuated his words with a hard suck that got his face dangerously close to Calum’s dick. “You’re so into it, I love it.” Ashton breathed, his eyes locking back with Calum’s as he let his lip wander near where Calum wanted him more. But he stopped short of it, snickering when Calum let out another whine.

“Ash, don’t tease.”

“Not teasing. _Enjoying_.” Ashton contradicted, licking a strip from base to tip as he held his gaze, his irises barely a strip of green around his dilated pupils. Calum’s hips moved out of their own accord, trying to chase Ashton’s mouth, but the older tsked.

“You need to wait for it.”

“I’ve waited two fucking weeks.” Calum grunted through his teeth, hand flying to his face and covering it. Ashton on his knees and his face so close to Calum’s crotch when he knew the older intended to make him wait even more were too much to process. “Come on, you know there’s only a matter of time before your sister or brother knocks asking when will we be ready.”

For some stupid reason his own cock betrayed him, giving a tug after his words and making Ashton look back up at him with an eyebrow raised and an amused expression. And then he started giggling, an odd sound to hear in the middle of foreplay, but that had Calum’s own lips tugging up in a smile and giggling right back.

“This is surreal.” Calum wheezed silently, eyes flitting to the door of the bathroom.

“Okay, okay.” Ashton laughed right back, holding up his hand in apology. “I’ll get on with it.”

“ _Thank you._ ”

Calum didn’t even have time to brace himself before Ashton was swallowing him whole, his big hands back clutching his hips and fingernails digging into Calum’s skin. He almost forgot he was supposed to stay quiet, breathlessly moaning at just how much he had _missed_ this. Ashton’s tongue was magic, and Calum knew full well the older could have him cumming in less than two minutes. They had had a competition once that Calum still felt wounded to have lost. But he really couldn’t stay mad at Ashton for long when the older kept making him see stars behind his eyelids every time he closed his eyes.

Ashton had started taking him deeper and deeper, Calum’s hands actually searching for his hair to have something to hold on to, because even despite having the shower wall behind him, he could feel his knees growing weaker by the minute. And then Ashton did something with his tongue, coupled with a moan that had his throat sending vibrations all along Calum’s cock, and that was just...

“Baby, you can’t do that.” He complained. “You’re going to make me come in _seconds_ you keep _ungh–_.” Calum let out an involuntary moan, Ashton had actually _laughed_ , his hands slipping from his hips to his ass where his index was tracing lightly over Calum’s hole and it was… It was just too much.

“I’m serious, Ash.” Calum repeated as soon as he got the clarity of mind for it, his fingers tugging on Ashton’s wet hair.

Ashton popped off, laughing again and looking up at him, “Isn’t that what we were trying to achieve? You cumming quickly?” He smirked evilly. And okay. He had a point. But.

“You promised I could fuck your face.” Calum whined like a petulant four-year-old. Not that a four-year-old would ever say thos–.

“I didn’t promise, I _suggested_.” Ashton laughed, interrupting his thoughts. And his voice was just that level of fucked up by the blowjob that had Calum whining again, feeling close to coming even when he wasn’t being touched at the moment. “But I like the sounds you make when you get to fuck my face, so go ahead.” Ashton winked again, opening his mouth, sticking his tongue out and staring up at him. Calum burned the picture in his mind, another great memory for his wank bank whenever Ashton was working and he was feeling needy.

He let go of Ashton’s hair with his right hand, instead wrapping it around himself, shuddering at the touch and tugging his cock a couple of times before feeding it to Ashton. The older moaned at it right off the start, and when Calum’s eyes travelled down his body he could see Ashton had taken his cock in his hand too, was giving himself some slow strokes.

Shit, this was going to be over so fucking fast.

He started thrusting softly into Ashton’s mouth, feeling him opening up his throat for him. Calum tried not to moan at it, but it was almost impossible. Ashton was still looking up at him through his lashes, wet with the shower still turned on, and Calum didn’t think he could take it. His own hips started picking up the pace out of their own accord, feeling the warmth building up inside of him and trying to chase it. Ashton still had one hand on his ass, his index tracing lightly over his hole and shit, Calum wished they had a proper place to fuck, because this was getting him riled up.

As it was, he didn’t last too long. Ashton had actually started to prod his hole, managing to get his finger in up to the first knuckle and was fucking it in and out. That combined with the low groans the older was letting out to make Calum feel the vibrations in his cock and the way he was _still_ staring up at him did Calum on. He literally had to let go of Ashton’s hair to bite down on something just so he wouldn’t alert Ashton’s family of what was really transpiring inside the bathroom.

When he came down from the aftershocks, Ashton was kitten licking at his dick, his hand fisting his own cock rapidly. Calum let himself slid down the wall, getting on his knees and slapping Ashton’s hand away from his dick, replacing it with his own and jerking him off. Ashton clumped forward, lips straight to Calum’s neck and biting down on it, whining low in his throat in a desperate attempt to keep quiet. The slight pain of the bite made Calum’s cock give a half-hearted twitch, but he focused his attention on getting Ashton to cum, sliding his thumb over the head and turning his head to kiss Ashton’s neck.

As soon as he started sucking on Ashton’s sweet spot, the older fucked up into his fist, hips moving quick and breathless moans tumbling out of his lips, some pleas and Calum’s name followed right after, making Calum feel hot all over.

“Come on, baby.” He whispered in his ear, biting down hard on Ashton’s pulse point and feeling him shudder against him, his hips fucking impossibly faster into Calum’s fist and his hands searching for Calum’s face.

Calum didn’t have to be told what to do, already turning in for a kiss and swallowing Ashton’s moan when he finally came, feeling his cum all over his hand being washed away by the shower stream. Ashton was breathing heavily into his lips, his eyes closed since he came. Calum pulled away just the necessary to leave a soft kiss on his temple, sighing against it.

“That was… Wow.” He whispered.

“Agreed.” Ashton nodded.

He looked like he would kill for a nap, though, and there was a faint hickey blossoming in his neck. Calum hoisted himself up, offering Ashton a hand and helping him stand up. Then he busied himself washing Ashton’s body for him while the older closed his eyes and let Calum work. It was a quick job, Ashton’s hair not needing shampoo. After all, he would have to wash the salt off after the beach, so it didn’t make sense to do it twice.

Calum even helped him towel off, feeling fond at the way Ashton yawned, looking up at him from where Calum had sat him down.

“Thank you, babe.”

Calum leaned down for a kiss, smiling against his lips. “Let’s get ready. You hyped up Sydney’s beaches so much that I’m excited to check them out.”

“They won’t disappoint.” Ashton promised.

“Nothing from Sydney ever does for me.” Calum chuckled, leaning for another peck.

* * *

Calum had dozed off under the umbrella after lunch, in and out of an easy sleep. The heat was abnormal even underneath the shade. There were kids screaming their heads off all over the shore, people laughing and playing around. And yet Calum couldn’t seem to pull himself completely from the drowse he had fallen under.

He could faintly hear Ashton running around with Harry near the shore. If Calum turned his head, he was sure he would see Lauren still laying down on her towel to his right, sunbathing. As it was, his entire body felt heavy, and Calum enjoyed for a moment being so relaxed that he could just lay there and do nothing.

He must have dozed off again, because next thing he knew, Ashton was hovering over him with a grin and his hair was plastered to the side of his face in a way that told Calum it wasn’t exactly wet from the sea. Ashton leaned down for a peck, plopping down on the sand next to him right after, and Calum raised his hand to clean off the sweat with a grimace.

“You can’t be grossed out.” Ashton snorted. “I’ve seen you _lick_ sweat out of me.”

“That was… a completely different situation.” Calum hissed, looking around, and praying Lauren hadn’t heard Ashton. But she had her earbuds on, and Calum could hear the faint sound of music coming from them. Ashton was still smirking at him like he knew he had the upper hand, and Calum resigned himself, groaning and sinking into his chair, rubbing his face as he muttered, “Leave me alone.”

“Nah, it’s fun teasing you.” Ashton chuckled, teasing, “You get so flustered, babe.”

“ _Ash_.”

Ashton just blew him a kiss, breaking into giggles right after and putting on his sunglasses, fixing up his towel so he could lay on his back again. Calum let his eyes wander all over his body, taking in every valley and plane. It was shameless, knowing he could do so behind the privacy of his own dark sunglasses. There was more sweat pooling at Ashton’s clavicles, and Calum licked his lips unconsciously, his mind jumping back to that exact scenario Ashton had been talking about. Which was bad, bad, _bad_. He couldn’t go getting a half-mast in the middle of a public beach. Nuh-uh.

So he forced himself to tear his gaze away, taking a big gulp of his now quite warm coke and staring into the ocean. He wished he could go for a swim. Calum wasn’t accustomed to summers this hot, and he was hating himself every day for having gotten tattooed just in the worst time of the year. His shoulder had started itching, and he couldn’t even sunbathe, let alone go into the sea. Calum definitely should have thought about that, not being able to get on the water above waist-level with Ashton. Not being able to splash around and do stupid shit. Not being able to witness Ashton looking like a fucking Greek god up close, awakening every single fantasy Calum may have conjured up all over the course of their relationship.

Because the way he was just lying there with his skin glistening was just obscene. Did Ashton not know what he looked like? Did he not know just how hard he was making it for Calum not to throw himself over him and kiss him all over?

Fuck. Calum needed a breather. Maybe going for a walk was the best option right now.

“Hey, baby. I’m going for a walk.” He notified the older, slipping into his tee and getting up.

Ashton lazily opened one eye to stare up at him. “Want me to come with?”

“Nah. Just need to stretch my legs.” Calum assured him, sending him a smile.

He grabbed his wallet, though. There was no way he was surviving another hour at that hell-hot place without having icy water to relieve the heat. And maybe he could buy Ashton some treat.

He was about to head off when Harry’s voice stopped him, “Can I come with?”

Calum was a bit taken aback, but he still smiled, nodding. “Sure.”

“Great, I want something to eat.”

Ashton snorted from his place on the ground, but didn’t even open his eyes, instead sighing and looking like he didn’t have a care in the world. It was a good look on him. He had told Calum he was aiming for getting back his tan while they were in Australia, and by the way Ashton was spending all of his time under the scorching sun, Calum knew he had been serious. He just hoped Ashton’s skin could take it.

“You lead.” He told Harry as soon as they stepped away from where they had made camp. “I don’t know where I’m supposed to go.” He laughed nervously.

But Harry only smiled back at him, pointing to the end of the beach where a café had some tables out.

“Why can’t you be out in the sun?” He asked after a moment, frowning.

“Ash didn’t tell you?” Calum chuckled. When Harry shook his head, he slid the sleeve from his tee up, showing him the fresh tattoo. He had taken off the medical film a couple of days ago and surprisingly it had healed faster than any of Calum’s previous tats. But it still itched.

“Did it hurt?” Harry asked, his eyes wide as he stared at it.

“Just a bit. I’m used to it by now.” Calum laughed.

“I want to get one.” Harry declared, and it had Calum laughing again.

“How old are you?”

“I’m 14.” Harry sighed, like his age was the worst thing ever, dragging him down.

Calum remembered those days. He got his first one when he was seventeen, and still, his mum had thought he was too young. And that came from her, who had gotten a tattoo even earlier, when she was fifteen.

“Have you talked to Anne-Marie about it?”

Harry scoffed. “She never let Ashton any of the times he asked. Don’t think she’ll let me.” He snorted.

“Ashton wanted a tattoo?” Calum stopped walking, shocked.

“Ever since I can remember, yeah.” Harry laughed, stopping and looking at him. “Why do you think he likes tattooed people so much?”

“ _Oh_.” Calum breathed. Well. It made _sense_ , right? But shit, Ashton with tattoos was a vision Calum couldn’t focus on too much right now. Not when his little brother was staring at him with an amused smile that probably meant he knew exactly where Calum’s mind had gone to. He shook his head, starting to walk again.

“I want to get the Avengers’ A.” Harry continued like nothing ever happened. “You think it will look cool?”

“Yeah, sure.” Calum nodded.

But he was distracted. Harry had just given him an idea. Calum just hoped Harry hadn’t slipped him false information, because if he had, Calum’s idea wouldn’t work. Maybe he could ask… Yeah. _That_ was a plan.

* * *

After their brief excursion to the cafe, he and Harry brought back enough snacks to last them the rest of the afternoon. When they arrived Ashton was softly snoring and Lauren was looking at him like she was embarrassed to be seated near him. Calum almost laughed, but when his eyes crossed with hers, he bit his tongue. Instead, he knelt down near Ashton, gently shaking him awake with a soft smile.

“I bought you ice-cream.” He whispered as Ashton sleepily blinked at him.

“You’re the best.” Ashton mumbled, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before he tried getting up. At that, Calum did giggle.

“How could you fall asleep that hard? We were gone like twenty minutes.” He chuckled, taking in just how adorable Ashton looked with his sleep-tousled hair.

“Swimming tires me.” The older mumbled again, swaying until his forehead landed on Calum’s clavicle.

It was way too cute and Calum felt his whole chest warming up at it, his hands gently combing through Ashton’s hair.

“I need to get under the shade, but you can seat with me.” He whispered quietly, leaving a kiss on Ashton’s temple.

“M’kay.”

Giggling softly again, Calum sat back on his beach chair and gestured Ashton to climb in front of him, not caring when Ashton’s sweaty back pressed against him. Calum could jokingly grimace at it, but as Ashton had said, he had done far more questionable things with sweat.

He handed Ashton a carefully wrapped up scoop, smiling softly at him.

“Chocolate?” Ashton smiled hopefully, Calum nodding. Ashton opened it, staring at it with a slightly furrowed brow. But then his face softened, and Calum would have swore that he saw his eyes getting misty. “Did you actually have them sprinkle…?”

“Cinnamon?” Calum said. “Yeah.”

Ashton bit his lip, holding his gaze for a moment before he looked away, blinking a couple of times. This time Calum was sure it had made him emotional.

They ate their ice-creams quietly, just basking in each other’s company. Or maybe Ashton was still half-asleep, Calum didn’t actually know. It was nice, though. Lauren had joined them, taking off her earbuds for the first time since she had donned them off after lunch, but she was otherwise quiet too. The only one who kept constantly talking a mile a minute was Harry. Kid was funny, having Calum snorting and trying to cover up his face with his hands when some joke landed too well, and he could tell Ashton was happy they were getting on. Calum had caught him observing them with a small smile.

After a while, though, Lauren excused herself to go call someone or other, and Harry decided to go for a swim, leaving them both alone. But Calum had a thought that Harry disappearing may have had something to do with the beep coming from his phone just before he upped and went away.

“I like today.” Calum whispered in the relative silence, feeling Ashton melting against him as he stroked over Calum’s forearm on his stomach.

“Me too.” Ashton whispered back.

It felt nice. Having Ashton’s body lying on him, almost made Calum feel sleepy again. Made him long for a nap.

They were both quite addicted to napping, now that Calum thought about it. Always celebrated the days they could finally lay down together for a nap deserving of its name. Those that left you feeling like you didn’t know which time or day it was when you woke up disoriented as fuck. They had had some of those. Calum held the memory of them close in his heart. Didn’t exactly know why falling asleep with Ashton made him feel so good. Maybe because he felt _safe_. Felt at home. Same as he had on their first date, falling asleep on top of the older. The memory made him let out a soft laugh.

“What?” Ashton chuckled, turning to look at him. His expression was bright and carefree, as Calum hadn’t seen in a while. Ashton had been so tense the last days before Calum left Cambourne, constantly on edge about anything and everything work-related. But being back with his family had _helped_.

“Nothing.” He quickly muttered back with another laugh of his own.

“No! Tell me.” Ashton whined, grabbing his arm and shaking him in a way that made Calum start to giggle even harder. He _loved_ this Ashton.

“Was just thinking.” He shrugged. Ashton pouted at him, and Calum would have leant forward to kiss it off his lips if his eyes hadn’t met Lauren’s on the shore, attentive gaze suddenly studying them even as she was talking on the phone. So he settled for thinking about how adorable and beautiful Ashton looked, feelings flying free inside his chest.

“About?”

“Our first date.” Calum said truthfully, even if he felt the blush creeping up his cheeks.

The way Ashton’s expression softened and his grip on him relaxed again, giving way to a light caress of Ashton’s fingertips over his forearm, made Calum melt. God, he was so in _love_ with the man in front of him. It was ridiculous.

But then Ashton’s face fell, and Calum grew worried instead, unable to comprehend why–

“I’ll always be sorry I ran away from you.” The older said, taking his hand and the warmth it brought away, sitting up straighter so he wasn’t leaning on Calum anymore.

But Calum seated up right after him, his own hand extending to clasp itself around Ashton’s, hastily woving their fingers together.

“That is never how I think of it, Ash.” He promised. “I loved that day, love it still. I don’t care about how it ended.” He whispered softly.

Ashton nodded minutely, but his eyes were avoiding Calum’s.

“I remembered me just falling asleep on you.” Calum said with a chuckle, and then, slowly, started to break into giggles. “Oh god, in retrospect, I’m way too trusting of people. You could have been a psycho and I just let myself fall asleep on top of you.” He laughed, shaking his head at the memory.

“Oi!” Ashton half-heartedly protested, but he was smiling too, meeting back his eyes. “Now that you say so, it _was_ weird considering it was a first date. You know, napping together. What if my snoring had abhorred you and you had never talked to me again?”

Calum raised his eyebrows as he tried to keep in his laughter, but it was to no end. “Babe, your snoring does abhor me on a daily basis but I think I slept like the dead that day. I didn’t hear a thing.”

“ _Thank god_.” Ashton chuckled right back, fake-wiping away the sweat in relief from his forehead. “Never want to know what would have happened if I had scared you away.” He said quietly, more introspectively. And this time, Calum did lean forward for a kiss, not caring about anyone watching them. Ashton sighed against his lips, returning it and raising his hand to caress Calum’s neck.

“You never could have, Ash.” Calum whispered when they broke out. “There was something about you. I felt a connection even that early. I wouldn’t have been able to stay away.”

“You’re sappy.” Ashton scrunched up his face.

Calum giggled, kissing the tip of his nose and smiling. “Shut up, you love it.”

“I do. Love you, too.” Ashton whispered in the end.

He was blushing, or maybe it was the red of having spent too much time in the sun. His hair was a mess, Ashton having let it dry after swimming for a while and Calum having combed his fingers through it while the older sunbathed that morning. It had been a good day, and it still had a few good hours left.

When he pulled away from Ashton, Lauren was looking at them again, but she was closer, and she was holding her phone up. Calum chuckled to himself, knowing exactly what she had been doing. He stuck his tongue out and she immediately let out a short laugh, holding her phone straighter and taking another picture.

“What are you doing?” Ashton asked curiously, not having noticed a thing.

Calum nodded towards Lauren, and then felt Ashton’s arm sneaking around his waist and bringing him closer before the older whispered, “Smile.”

Calum was facing the camera, trying not to feel too embarrassed, when some people stopped walking behind Lauren and stared quite shamelessly. But then he felt Ashton’s lips on his cheek and he instantly melted against his side, relaxing. Lauren gave them the okay from her spot before walking closer, crouching down and turning her phone to show them the pictures.

“There are a few cool ones.” She said, smiling. When Calum met her eyes this time, she didn’t immediately masked them off.

“Can you send them to me?” He asked tentatively, Ashton’s arm tightening around him.

“Of course.” She grinned.

“Thank you.” Calum grinned back.

* * *

“But… I don’t get sunburnt. _Ever_.” Ashton said disbelieving, staring at himself in the bathroom’s mirror. “This _can’t_ be.” He added, his eyes still wide. They had been wide ever since they had stepped out of the car and Harry had pointed out he looked like a tourist.

“Baby, you look like a tomato.” Calum snorted, some spit flowing out of his mouth as he tried to keep his laughter through a minimum while he brushed his teeth.

“Ouch.”

“Sorry.” Calum mumbled, leaning down to fill his mouth with some water from the tap and sloshing it around until he washed it, spitting it out. “You’re aware that you’ve spent two years without sun exposure, right?” He asked, still struggling not to laugh. “You should know your skin isn’t like it was. Of course you got sunburnt. You’re a nurse, you should know this.” Calum couldn’t help it, a soft chuckle escaping past his lips.

“You haven’t sunbathed either since I’ve known you.” Ashton accused him, holding his gaze through the glass. 

“My skin has more melanin.” Calum shrugged, turning around. His eyes widened again when he saw Ashton’s reddened skin from up close, making him worry.

“It’s unfair.” Ashton whined. “You spend two weeks in New Zealand and you get tanned and even more gorgeous and I get here and burn to a crisp, looking like a cooked shrimp.”

“It’s going to hurt like crazy.” Calum said, worrying his lip, his fingers hovering over Ashton’s shoulders and feeling the heat coming off of his skin.

“Thanks.” Ashton grunted, rolling his eyes.

Calum decided not to give it any attention. “I’ll be here to rub aloe over you.”

“Oh wow. So romantic.” Ashton deadpanned, crossing his arms and turning away. Calum was finding it very difficult not to laugh at his childish reaction.

“Shut up.” Calum chuckled, reaching for Ashton’s arm and having him facing back to him. “I’ll take care of you.” Calum promised, kissing him lightly and smiling against Ashton’s lips when the older returned the gesture. But he also couldn’t resist pulling away and snickering, “ _I_ didn’t get burnt because I was worried about the tattoo and stayed on the shade and put sunscreen on my face and arms basically every thirty minutes.”

“I know, I _know._ “ Ashton sighed, looking down and poking Calum on the stomach. “Just let me wallow in my misery for a minute.” He pouted.

“You’re a big baby.” Calum laughed, circling his arms around Ashton’s waist and drawing him in for a kiss, smiling against Ashton’s lips as he breathed, “But I love you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Georgia, Ryan, Maia, and Noa because even if we didn't particularly talk about this, you've been a godsend for me. Love ya <3
> 
> And as always thank you all for reading! And I really hope everyone is alright and their families/friends/loved ones are safe. These are hard times, but they will pass. Sending anyone who needs it a hug 🤗🤗🤗
> 
> Drop me a line and tell me what you thought if you liked it! ^^


	6. Bubbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so this took both longer in time than I had planned for and longer in extension 😅😅 Hope you still enjoy it! 
> 
> Fair warning, it's quite angsty in some parts :s

“You haven’t had one like that in a while.” Calum asked after a few seconds of silence. Ashton hated the way his voice wavered. It made it all worse. “Do you want to be alone?” The younger asked tentatively, his eyes searching Ashton’s.

“No.” Ashton said strongly. He didn’t think his mind would be strong enough not to go straight back to _that_ if Calum left his side right now. Not when he could still relive the nightmare when he closed his eyes. “Stay. _Please_.”

Calum breathed, sitting up and resting against the wall, gesturing Ashton to take a seat in front of him. It painfully brought back memories of that first time Calum had had to comfort him after a nightmare. Ashton’s heart wrenched when his eyes crossed with Calum’s again to find the younger’s wide with worry. He eagerly climbed onto his lap, curling up and placing his head right over Calum’s heart. Ashton only let himself calm down when he listened to it beating steadily under his cheek.

Calum had been right, slightly. Ashton hadn’t had such a bad nightmare in _months_. Not in such detail, feeling so real. When Calum had finally managed to pull him from it, Ashton knew there had been tear tracks running down his cheeks, that he had been crying, possibly screaming, because his throat was sore. What was worst of all, Ashton was sure he had woken up the entire household. He could see the sliver of light underneath the door, meaning that someone had turned on the corridor light.

Calum was softly caressing over his arms and back, his breath hitting Ashton’s hair and his lips pressing against his temple every few minutes. Ashton knew how hard it was for him not being able to do anything more substantial –the younger’s own words from previous times–, but Ashton just needed his presence right now. Just… Calum’s arms holding him. That was enough. Specially given the content of this particular nightmare.

Ashton was shivering even when there was a sheen of sweat on him. He burrowed into Calum’s chest even more, seeking more warmth than he should have felt the need for. His skin was exuding heat still, the sunburn hurting more where he was lying against Calum and where Calum traced his fingers over his skin. Ashton preferred it to the pain of not having a constant physical reminder that Calum was there right next to him.

The younger was scared, Ashton knew. His fingers trembled on their way across Ashton’s skin and Ashton wondered just how much worse it would be when he confessed to Calum what his nightmare had been about.

“Cal.” He whispered, letting out a sob right after. Ashton couldn’t help it. And he also didn’t want to bring Calum into this, but Ashton had to tell him.

“How can I help?” Calum whispered back, his tone so worried it made Ashton feel like an asshole at having to put him through these kinds of experiences. But as Calum told him last time over the phone, Ashton always felt better after talking through a nightmare. He _needed_ to talk about it with Calum.

This one was hard to admit out loud, though.

“Cal, it wasn’t-.” Ashton started, stopping himself when his voice broke, finding Calum’s hand and gripping it tight, searching for the strength to actually admit it out loud. Maybe if he combined what little he had left and what Calum was lending him through a gentle squeeze, he would make it. When Ashton felt actually ready, the sound that came out of his own mouth was so quiet that he didn’t know if Calum had been able to hear him, “ _It wasn’t Bec._ “

Calum didn’t react outwardly, and Ashton just knew his words hadn’t been heard. He didn’t even know if he had spoken out loud, or if it had been just in his imagination. But when Calum gently raised his head searching for his eyes, Ashton knew he had to have made some kind of sound for Calum to do so. “Hm?”

The worry in his eyes…

“It was…” Ashton said, imbuing more strength in his next words, trying for his voice not to break. “It was _you_.”

At that Calum’s breath hitched, and Ashton looked away, not wanting to see the emotion on the younger’s eyes. He shrunk in on himself, head still firmly over Calum’s heart. The sound of his heartbeat was the only thing that had Ashton staying mildly calm right then. Even when it was picking up. In fear or worry, Ashton didn’t know. He felt a solitary tear tracking down his cheek, but before he could reach up to brush it away, Calum’s thumb did it for him.

“Ash.” Calum whispered above him, and by the tone in his voice, Ashton knew he was asking for him to open his eyes, come out of hiding, but he couldn’t. Specially not when a sob came up his throat, making him clutch Calum’s shirt harder and try to stop himself from crying. The nightmare had been upsetting, yeah, but it was only temporary fear. Ashton knew that, knew that he only had to wait it out. The image still was seared into his eyelids, though.

“It started like a memory.” Ashton confessed quietly, his voice wavering a bit. But Ashton was proud of having gotten through the sentence without another sob cutting through his words.

“What happened?” Calum asked, his tone strong in a way that had Ashton believe he was trying to put on a brave front. His hand was rubbing his back softly, probably mindful of the burn, and Ashton welcomed it, needing the touch so badly.

“It changed halfway.” Ashton said. The more he talked about it, the more he let himself bask in the presence of Calum and his solidity and his warmth, the further away the nightmare seemed to be. It actually allowed him to finish telling Calum about it. “When I got to the ambulance, it was you the one lying there.”

“It was just a nightmare.” Calum whispered after a beat, almost like he was trying to convince himself.

“I know.” Ashton sighed, rubbing his eyes and wiping the tears still clinging to his eyelashes away. “It just felt so… real, Cal.” He continued, his brain stuck on the details of the dream. Calum’s face had been so pale, Ashton could even taste the bile in mouth if he closed his eyes. He had thought he was over the nightmares already. They hadn’t come back with such force for so long, Ashton had thought he was free of them. And Bec’s death didn’t hurt as much anymore. But this… his brain was cruel, bringing this back and swapping Bec for Calum. “Why the hell would I dream with that?” Ashton spat, suddenly grabbing his hair and pulling on it, frustrated. “Why would my brain just bring that back and fuck me up by having _you_ in it?”

“Hey,” Calum stopped his hands gently, opening his fist slowly and lacing their fingers together. Ashton squeezed his hand as soon as he could. Calum sighed, though, using his free hand to make Ashton look up at him. “I’m sorry.” He said with a sad smile. “I wish I could help.”

“You’re helping.” Ashton assured him, smiling back. That was never up for debate. Calum helped him just with his presence, even when the nightmares were just memories. And having him here now, close, talking to him… That helped immeasurably.

“I felt so helpless in it.” Ashton admitted quietly after a while, his eyes still holding Calum’s gaze. “I was reliving that day but knowing what was coming, and even when I knew how everything went down, I still couldn’t move, Cal. I was frozen, just watching.”

“I’d be frozen too if I dreamt about you like that.” Calum whispered, blinking and facing away from him for a moment, his eyes focusing on the bookshelf behind Ashton. He knew exactly where Calum was looking at, though. “You can’t blame yourself for freezing.”

“I am specifically trained not to freeze, Cal.” Ashton sighed, closing his eyes too and sitting up straighter, letting go of Calum’s hand. He hugged his knees to his chest, eyes fixed on the picture framed on the second shelf near the foot of the bed. It was weird that he was still feeling cold –especially with the sunburn–, but Ashton supposed it was due to the sweat cooling off. Besides, Calum had provided a warmth Ashton was missing too much. Even if he didn’t move to come back next to it.

“Is that something you think about?” Calum asked, his hand still on the small of Ashton’s back. “How you froze?”

They had talked about that day in detail more than once, each time Ashton feeling a bit better about it. Yeah, it hurt talking about it. It would probably always hurt to some degree, like Calum had told him back after that first nightmare. But it had become _easier_. Ashton had just never wanted to stop and analyse how he felt about only having been able to watch.

“It’s not.” He answered Calum honestly. And he hadn’t. The thing that hurt more had been Bec, every time. “Don’t know why I went there this time.”

Calum’s hand rubbed his back again as he sighed, letting his forehead rest on Ashton’s shoulder and pressing a kiss to Ashton’s arm. “Maybe it was just random.” He suggested, but Ashton could tell he wasn’t even on board with it, his voice tilting up at the end of it like he was unsure.

Ashton almost flinched at it, thinking about last week at the hospital. He hadn’t frozen when the ambulance came in with a cardiac arrest they had already hooked onto a heart monitor and stabilised. Ashton had done his job, helping Luke bringing him in and changing the IV line he had for the proper one for the hospital. He had taken the chart gathered from the ambulance team and filled in stats until he passed it over to the Doctor on call that evening. Everything went smoothly.

Ashton had been doing an ECG when the patient went into a second cardiac arrest. He _had_ frozen then. Unable to move, staring at the scene happening before his eyes until Luke had dragged him away. Not even when Alistair had come in to check in on him, Luke quietly informing him about what had happened, had Ashton shaken himself out of it. He remembered having been lead to the break room, laying down on the couch. But not much else.

“It isn’t the first time I dream about it being you.” He suddenly confessed, drawing in on himself and feeling guilty about keeping stuff from Calum.

The younger boy stopped his stroking, taking away his hand. Ashton knew Calum would immediately made the connection.

“You _lied_ to me?” Calum asked, but it didn’t sound reproachful. It was more like he was shocked, like the notion of Ashton lying to him sounded alien to his ears. It should have been.

“I didn’t know how to tell you over the phone. Didn’t want you to worry.” Ashton sighed, turning to look at him. He understood perfectly why Calum had waited to talk to him about Prague. This topic was… slightly different, but Ashton still hadn’t felt ready to talk with him about it. Thought he would never have to because the nightmare would be just a onetime thing. “I’m so sorry, Cal. I know I fucked up.”

Calum stared at him like he didn’t know what to say, how to answer him. His eyes flickered between Ashton’s for a few seconds. And then he was wrapping him up in his arms and hugging him close, his lips pressing a kiss on Ashton’s temple. It made Ashton shiver even in the unbelievable heat of his room.

“They will go away.” Calum mumbled next to his ear. He sounded so sad, so defeated. A tone of voice Ashton should have never provoked. And yet here they were.

Calum was shaking a bit even through the firm hold he kept Ashton in, and it made Ashton feel like a jerk. He doubted normal people put their partners through this kind of stuff. Calum didn’t deserve this, and Ashton had certainly hoped he was past it. Had been past it, about Bec. Had accepted it, moved on. Felt better. Sad, because it would never stop being sad how she had left when she had still so much more to live, but happy to have gotten to know her as he had. Ashton had made peace with it.

Feeling like he was right now… It was like he had taken ten steps back in the process of healing, only to add his worry about Calum on top of it. Plus, Calum himself wasn’t one hundred percent. Ashton couldn’t let this bring him down. It would be a disaster. And he knew, rationally, that the feelings awoken in his chest by the nightmare were just the normal response to his brain having selected those images. They weren’t feelings that Ashton felt every day. Maybe the talk with Calum a couple days back about the younger’s fears had waken up his again. And the nightmare back at the hospital had just been a direct reaction to the cardiac arrest.

“I wish I knew how to help you.” Calum repeated after a while, his voice barely a whisper. It made Ashton want to cry again, but he bit back the tears.

“I’m cold.” He said instead, turning in to cuddle closer to Calum.

But the younger pulled back to study at him, his eyebrows furrowed and the worry in his face making him look so young it hurt. “Do you have a headache?” He asked, raising his hand to check his temperature. Ashton shook his head. The only thing that hurt was the burn.

The way Calum worried his lip told Ashton it probably wasn’t a good sign.

“I think you’re running a fever, we should check your temperature.”

“There’s a thermometer somewhere downstairs.” Ashton said, trying to remember where his mum stacked it.

“Wait here.” Calum whispered, kissing his temple again and untangling himself, getting up and searching for a tee to put on.

“You don’t know where to look.”

“Your mum’s awake.” Calum informed him, sending him a small smile as he threw on one of Ashton’s tees. “She said she would make some tea for you before you woke up.”

“Oh.” Ashton breathed.

The light coming from the hallway made sense now. Ashton wondered just how loud he had been. Had he woken up Harry and Lauren too? God, he hoped not. Ashton remembered the scared look on their faces the mornings after the nightmares first started. He wished he would never have to see them like that again.

“I’ll be right back.” Calum promised, turning to face him and offering Ashton a hoodie and another smile, the worry in his eyes never going away.

While he waited for Calum Ashton donned the sweatshirt on, grimacing when it touched his skin and feeling a hot flash all over. His shoulders and back hurt like hell now. Or maybe they had hurt before, but with the distress from the nightmare Ashton hadn’t paid much attention to them. He really was an idiot. Ashton should have known he’d end up with a sunburn after so many hours at the beach and reapplying sunscreen only twice. But he hadn’t, so now he had to live with it. Which apparently implied running a fever.

Maybe that was why he had had the nightmare. Even awake, Ashton could feel his brain lagging. He just didn’t know how he had been able to sleep through it last night and it was only affecting him now.

When Calum didn’t come back even after 5 minutes, Ashton got up from the bed, intent on walking down to the kitchen to find him. He was about to take the stairs down when he run into his mum holding a tray, Calum coming up not three steps behind her. His eyes looked red.

“Let’s get you back in bed.” Anne said, nodding towards Ashton’s bedroom and leaving no room for questioning her.

Ashton turned around, being sure to not roll his eyes at her until he was certain she couldn’t see him, and padded back the way to his room, sitting down at the edge of the bed. She settled the tray on Ashton’s old desk, dragging a chair closer to the bed and sitting down.

“Calum’s gone to run you a bath.” She smiled kindly at him, handing him the thermometer and waiting for Ashton to stick it in his mouth. “He’s a good boy.”

“He is.” Ashton mumbled how he could with the thermometer in his mouth, but one look from his mum and he was closing it again, waiting for it to beep. Ashton felt a bit too old to be babied –although he would maybe have let Calum do it–, but coming from his mum it was making him feel years younger than he was. Especially being back in his old room.

“He told me what you dreamt about.” His mum said. She looked worried too, reaching to squeeze Ashton’s knee. Ashton only shrugged.

Not much he could do about what he dreamt about. It worried him, though. The nightmares becoming a constant. Dreaming again with Calum lying lifeless just as Bec had. Ashton couldn’t think of a worse torture. 

The thermometer beeped and faster than Ashton could reach for it, his mum took it away, tsking and frowning. “How could you not get sunscreen on? Nor stay out of the sun?”

“I did.” Ashton complained.

“Well, not enough.” She sighed, reaching for the tray and fishing an ibuprofen packet and a glass of water from it, offering it to Ashton who popped out a pill. He swallowed it wordlessly.

Anne-Marie took the glass and the packet back and instead offered him a mug. It smelled like chamomile, and Ashton’s lips turned up a little. She used to brew that for him whenever he had bad dreams as a kid. The fact that Ashton was craving hot chocolate more right now was just a reminder that he had grown up. He accepted the mug anyway, taking a sip.

“I can’t take another nightmare like that.” Ashton found himself whispering, suddenly looking back at his mum. “I can’t-. I can’t see _him_ like that, mum.”

She smiled sadly, taking a seat next to him on the bed and drawing Ashton close in a half hug. “Calum said the same thing about you, about having the nightmares.” She whispered, and Ashton shivered at her words, some tears rushing to his eyes.

“That’s the worst part, I know it makes it hard for him.” Ashton spat, the words tasting bad in his mouth. “I hate it.” He added pitifully, turning his face to brush away unfallen tears with his shoulder, only to remember too late that it would hurt. He just clenched his teeth and let his eyes fall to the floor.

“Ashton.” His mum said, squeezing her arm around him. “This isn’t your fault, and Calum knows that.” Ashton could only sob at that, remembering the way Calum’s eyes had looked when coming up with his mum. Like he had been crying. Like he had waited to cry until he was out of Ashton’s room. “That boy would do anything for you, Ashton. It just breaks him to see you like this, but that’s normal.”

“I know.” Ashton sniffled, wiping out his tears against his shoulder once more.

“Let him fuss over you. It will help.” Anne said quietly, rubbing Ashton’s back. “Both of you.”

Ashton turned to face her, a sad smile pulling on his lips. “Thanks, mum.”

She rolled her eyes at him, but she squeezed him closer to her, combing back some curls and pressing a kiss to Ashton’s temple.

When he finished the tea, his mum went back to his room, and Ashton walked down the hallway to the main bathroom which in theory only his mum used. It had been the only luxury for her in a house such small with three growing kids, and Ashton, Lauren and Harry had understood it from the start. So stepping into it now had Ashton feeling like he was doing something he shouldn’t.

Calum was on the floor, back to the bath and his hand gently swaying in the water. It was filled with bubbles and Ashton felt something akin to childlike excitement at it. But Calum had fresh tear tracks running down his cheeks.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” The younger asked hurriedly as he stood up. He was worrying his lip as his eyes did a once over.

Ashton only smiled slightly, not wanting to lie. Instead, he nodded to his right. “Thanks for the bath.”

“Yeah, I tried for the water to be warm but not hot enough that would hurt. Also, I know you’re supposed to better have a cold shower so the burn doesn’t hurt, but you said you were cold, so…” Calum trailed off, glancing to the bathtub.

Ashton closed the space between them, taking Calum’s hand and kissing him softly, resting their foreheads together. “Thank you.” He whispered, opening his eyes and holding Calum’s gaze until the older nodded almost imperceptibly. “Can you stay?” Ashton asked, already knowing the answer would be yes.

“Of course, just let me go get you some clothes.” The younger nodded, squeezing his hand and going away.

Ashton pulled off his sweatshirt and tee in the meantime, stepping out of his boxers too and climbing into the water. It was actually the perfect temperature not to hurt Ashton’s skin and to not have him shivering. He wondered if Calum would climb in with him. Ashton hoped so.

When the younger came back, he was holding clothes for the both of them, and stripped down wordlessly before climbing in with Ashton, settling down in front of him.

Ashton sighed, his arms coming around Calum’s stomach and stroking it up and down, lips finding a resting place in the juncture of Calum’s neck and shoulder. It felt good, having the younger in his arms. Made Ashton feel safe. Feel the worries washing away the more time he spent close to Calum, feeling his steady heartbeat.

The younger was unusually quiet, trembling slightly in Ashton’s arms in an irregular way that told Ashton it wasn’t exactly from being cold. He felt like an asshole, knowing that if Calum was indeed crying, it was because of him. 

“Thank you.” Ashton mumbled against his skin, leaving a soft kiss right after.

Calum let out a watery giggle at it, confirming Ashton’s suspicions that he was crying. “You already thanked me, Ash.”

“For the bath, yeah. This one was about taking care of me, Cal.” Ashton whispered, squeezing the younger closer. “You’re always there for me and you never shy away, and I’m just… I’m sorry.” He concluded, feeling a tear of his own falling down his cheek.

Calum placed his hands gently over his, working his way until his was holding Ashton’s properly before answering, “If we keep saying sorry every time we’re feeling down we’re going to run out of sorrys by the time we’re thirty.” He joked, and Ashton knew it was a desperate attempt to lighten up their mood.

“Then so be it. That way we can grow old together without apologising about feelings.” Ashton laughed softly.

“Why don’t we start right now?” Calum laughed right back, his thumb stroking over Ashton’s ring finger.

Even when it had been just a joke following the previous one, Ashton’s heart warmed up at the thought. Calum seemed to be in a trance, looking down at their joined hands, and Ashton wondered if he should restart his search for engagement rings. It wasn’t exactly the time to give in to that particular thought. Besides, he and Luke had already fallen down that rabbit hole recently while Luke was helping him pick gifts for Calum for Christmas. Now that Ashton thought about it, maybe he should be asking for Michael’s help in that search, though.

But right now, they had a more pressing conversation pending.

“Cal?” Ashton asked quietly, not really wanting to disturb the silence that had settled between them. But there was something nagging at his chest, and he needed to voice it. Needed Calum to know.

“Hm?” Calum hummed, seemingly sensing the change in Ashton’s mood and turning how he could in the small tub to face him.

“I…” Ashton started, trying to rearrange the words in his mind so he wouldn’t fuck this up. “I don’t want you to think I just see you as-” He stopped, wincing, trying to force the next words out. “–as a replacement for Bec.”

Calum frowned, stilling in his arms as his eyes flickered between Ashton’s. “What?”

“Because of the nightmare.” Ashton explained.

“What?” Calum repeated.

“Because I dreamt about it bei-”

“No, Ash.” Calum cut him, placing his hand on his face. “I meant, _‘What?’_ as in, why the hell would I think that?” A slight giggle escaped him, sounding weird to Ashton’s ears in that specific moment. “Baby, I didn’t interpret it as that. At all.” He added in a calm tone.

“Good, because you’re not. You’re _you_ , and I am in love with you for you.” Ashton sighed, closing his eyes in relief.

“Ash, I _know_ that. I’ve never doubted you.” Calum reassured him again. “Just because you dreamt about it being me…” He trailed off.

“I just thought it could be read as...” Ashton muttered, keeping his eyes closed. Then he shook his head, blinking and meeting back Calum’s eyes. “I guess the talk with you the other day must have woken up some feelings. I _can’t_ lose you, Cal.”

“Baby.” Calum whispered, turning around so quick he sent some water over the edge of the tub, bubbles toppling over. “Ash, we can’t think like that.” He said, cupping Ashton’s face as he bit his lower lip. It didn’t escape Ashton that he had included himself in the statement, which meant Calum was still thinking about his own fears and Prague. His eyes were shiny with unfallen tears, and Ashton thought it was fucked up that they had to go through this together. But he couldn’t imagine another person to lean on right now.

“I know.” Ashton nodded, eyes flickering away from Calum’s for a second. “The nightmare scared me.” He voiced out, even when it had been pretty clear from the start.

Calum looked sad, his thumb stroking over Ashton’s cheek and brushing some tears away. He was kneeling in a way that had to be uncomfortable, just to keep looking at Ashton. It made a sob come up Ashton’s chest that he couldn’t stop, and he closed his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed by everything in Calum’s gaze. The sadness, the frustration, the fear. The _love_.

When Ashton opened them up again, Calum’s eyes had a new shine to them, though, and a glance down confirmed the younger was smiling slightly. “I should just get a tattoo that says _‘Scared together’_ at this point, shouldn’t I?” He chuckled, lightly. He looked way too smug about it, like the idea was the greatest idea ever he had ever had. The corners of his eyes were crinkling, and he had a grin so big Ashton kind of wanted to hit him, kind of wanted to kiss him senseless.

“No more tattoos, please.” Ashton pleaded instead, closing his eyes. “I still need time to recover from this one.” He said, reaching to caress Calum’s shoulder, his fingers tracing the design lightly.

Calum looked pensive for a minute before he leaned forward and claimed his lips in a kiss, smiling right against Ashton’s lips when he ended it. It faded away, though, even before Ashton could open his eyes.

“Want me to wash your hair?” Calum asked softly, sliding his hand still cupping Ashton’s cheek to his temple and combing some hairs back.

Ashton nodded, remembering his mum’s words. Calum didn’t waste much time, taking the shampoo from the shelf behind Ashton’s head and gesturing Ashton to get in front of him. Ashton scooted forward a bit more, letting his head fall back into the water to get his hair wet, then went back to Calum. The way the younger started massaging Ashton’s head as he washed it had Ashton sighing and melting back until he was flushed to Calum’s chest, letting out little moans when Calum’s hands ventured down to his neck and shoulders, gently caressing them too. Lost in the feeling, Ashton let his eyes close, enjoying the calmness of it. If he let himself, he could almost feel like they were back home, in their own bathroom.

Calum had started humming something behind him, his voice soft and wavering just the slightest bit. Ashton couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it was. He basked in the moment, feeling something warm spreading through his chest at Calum’s voice. It had been a while, and Ashton had missed it.

“ _Just take a breath, love, fill your lungs up. Rest your head, there’s no sense in losing sleep.”_ Calum sang, his voice getting stronger with each word. “ _You can break down, let your worst out, lose your tempo_.” He continued, hooking his chin over Ashton’s shoulders, his voice going but to a whisper when he reached, “ _But you’re not losing_ me.”

* * *

“Hello?” Ashton mumbled to the phone as soon as he took the call, not even opening his eyes.

“Ash? Mate, we can’t see your face.” Luke chuckled, way too bright for Ashton’s asleep brain.

“My face?” He asked, mumbling _Sorry_ _babe_ when he heard Calum complaining in his sleep.

“Dude, it’s a video call.” Michael’s voice came through, and Ashton frowned. What the hell did they want this early in the morning?

He whined, cracking his eyes open and placing the phone in front of his face, squinting at the screen until he was able to make out Luke and Michael’s faces. They grinned at him, laughing outrageously loud, and Ashton hurried to mute them as Calum mumbled something again.

With a sigh, he untangled himself from Calum and got out of bed, blindingly searching for both his glasses and Calum’s earphones on his messy desk. One thing was waking up early to talk to their idiot friends. Another was making Calum lose sleep too because of it. Ashton had already made him lose enough sleep last night. His eyes lingered for a moment on the documents Calum had printed yesterday from an email from the Prague Institute, but soon he was shaking his head and climbing back to bed next to Calum.

Once he had sat down with his back to the headboard and plugged in the headphones, he unmuted Luke. It didn’t take a second for Calum to reach for him, moving closer. Ashton wished he could just hug him back and enjoy sleeping in with him. But there were two idiots on call waiting.

“What do you guys want?” He asked quietly, tearing his gaze away from Calum with difficulty. Ashton couldn’t help the grumpy tone.

“Wow, there. We just wanted to check in.” Luke chuckled, a bit nervously. He was holding Lucifurr in his arms, the cat clearly falling asleep on top of him.

“Are things okay with you, though?” Michael intervened, frowning. “No offence dude, but you look like shit.”

“Seconded.” Luke nodded. The cat meowed, yawning after. Ashton would have laughed, but he still had some scars left from the week or so Luke had spent at his flat with that fur ball. “Lucifurr agrees with Mike as well.”

Ashton rolled his eyes at Luke’s antics, biting his lip before he admitted, “I had another nightmare.”

The silence stretched uncomfortably over them, and even when Ashton knew it had only been a few seconds, it felt like an eternity until Luke and Michael actually said something back.

“Oh.” Luke seemed apologetic, suddenly taken aback.

So did Michael. “Sorry, man.”

Ashton shrugged.

“Now I understand why Calum called.” Luke muttered, but Ashton still heard it loud and clear through the headphones.

“Calum called you?” He asked, confused. He glanced down to Calum, who looked way too peaceful in his sleep. Nothing like he had last night after Ashton woke up from the nightmare.

“Yeah, three, four hours ago. Said to call you around 8 am there, check in.” Luke nodded, still caressing Lucifurr.

“Which was weird, because I know Calum never wakes up before 9 unless he’s got work.” Michael snorted.

“He’s asleep right now, I don’t want to wake him.” Ashton said, feeling warm as he watched the younger’s sleep soft face. He had curled even closer to Ashton’s side, eyes moving rapidly beneath his eyelids, clearly fast asleep. “But I can easily get him to wake up before 9. And in a good mood.” Ashton added, turning to face his phone with a smirk so big it rivalled Michael’s answering one.

“Oh, _shut up_.” Luke whined, while Michael snickered, covering his face. “I don’t need to know the details of your sex life.” Luke muttered, blushing furiously.

“That’s a shame, it’s quite interesting to hear about.” Michael laughed. Ashton felt vaguely embarrassed, but he knew Calum talked to Michael about _everything_ , so he guessed it was normal his best friend knew about...certain things. He was also sure there was stuff Calum would _never_ tell anyone about. Those memories were for him and Ashton only.

Ashton glanced back to his desk, his eyes falling again to Calum’s papers, a thought popping into his brain.

“Hey. Mike?” He said, trying to get back the attention of the younger who was still making Luke feel uncomfortable and chuckling while he spewed details Ashton would have been concerned about if he wasn’t so focused on this other thing. When Michael finally looked back into the camera, he asked, lowering his voice, “Has Calum talked to you about Prague?”

“I told him I was impartial on this one, don’t drag me into it.” He stated, the laughter gone from his voice. He actually looked quite serious. Ashton frowned.

“I just wanted to know if he had talked it over with someone while I didn’t know.” He explained. “Calum works through stuff by _talking_.”

“I know.” Michael nodded. He then bit his lip, sighing before he admitted. “He did ramble about it, but not exhaustively.”

“Wait, did he get the spot?” Luke intervened, looking between Michael and Ashton on the screen.

“Not yet.” Ashton smiled, proud of Calum even if the younger was still unsure about his future. “But he will.”

“That’s great!” Luke smiled excitedly. He apparently didn’t catch on to Michael and Ashton’s mood, and Ashton was actually grateful for it when he changed topics like nothing weird was happening. “Also, mate, at first I thought it was the connexion, but man you look _red_.”

“I got sunburnt a couple days ago.” Ashton muttered, looking down. Luke looked like he was struggling to hold in a chuckle while Michael outright burst into laughter, scaring Lucifurr and making him jump away from Luke’s arms. Great, just what Ashton needed, Luke and Michael laughing at him too. “Shut up.”

“Dude, you’re an Aussie, aren’t you supposed to _tan?_ ”

“Yeah, what happened with sun-kissed skin? Because yours looks like the devil touched you all over.” Michael added. His tone had been jokey, but he was frowning, and honestly he looked concerned.

Ashton observed his own image on the call, and yeah. It looked worse than what it was in real life. “I just forgot to put on sunscreen more than twice.” He shrugged.

“How?” Luke snorted. “You had Calum right _there_ to rub it all over you.” He added, wheezing.

Michael was covering his face again, laughing, but he was right there along with Luke in this one. “Yeah, perfect scenario, man.”

“Shut up, both of you. We were in _public_. Harry and Lauren were with us the entire day. I couldn’t ask Calum that. I would have never been able to get up from lying down without embarrassing myself.” Ashton ranted, feeling the heat rising up in his cheeks, his brain providing a visual of what that would have been like. Ashton didn’t have the willpower to manage it.

“Okay, okay.” Luke chuckled, raising his hands in defeat. “Still, you have to be more careful, Ash.”

“Believe me, the pain reminds me of that every second.” Ashton mumbled.

Luke started laughing again, shaking his head. Michael had a smile on his face, but for a moment he looked out of it. And Ashton wondered what he was even doing at Luke’s. It had to be like 11pm over there.

“Did you guys go out or something?” He asked, trying to get Michael back in.

Calum had told him Michael was still acting weird, but that he hadn’t been able to get anything out of him. And if Calum hadn’t been able to, Ashton doubted he could. But he could still prod. Calum had said it probably had nothing to do with Grace, but Ashton wasn’t too sure.

“We had a few at the pub.” Michael shrugged.

“Yeah, he was moping because Grace was out with her friends.” Luke added, nodding to the screen before Lucifurr climbed back into his arms, distracting him.

“I wasn’t _moping_.” Michael whine. “I just thought meeting this dumbass and then playing around with Lucifurr was a better choice than staying home alone.” He explained to Ashton.

Ashton made a face, thinking about the part _‘playing with Lucifurr’_ and remembering the week Luke had spent at their flat and how horrific it had been sharing the place with that terror. But the bastard for some reason only acted like a devil in Ashton’s presence, so maybe Michael had a point.

“Sounds like you guys had a good time.” Ashton said instead, shaking his head.

“It was fun.” Michael nodded. “We miss you guys, though.”

“Aww. That’s cute.” Ashton laughed, but inside he was feeling less grumpy at having been woken up by them. “Miss you guys too.” He added in a more serious tone.

It had been some time since they all hung out together, and Ashton certainly had missed that. Watching Calum with Michael always made him feel warm feelings Ashton would probably never admit out loud. Being part of that made Ashton feel special. Michael was family to Calum, and being right there with them… Yeah. Ashton felt lucky.

And Luke, well. Luke was Ashton’s brother. Ashton still thanked him from time to time for having taken a chance on him, having worked to get him out of his misery during his first months at Cambridge. He had been the greatest force of support in Ashton’s life during a time so dark… Ashton really didn’t know how he could ever thank him enough. Plus, Luke had gotten on surprisingly well with Anne-Marie when Ashton had finally introduced them. It had actually led to them talking regularly on the phone which should have felt weird for Ashton, but it just made him feel happy to have created a little family over on the other side of the world that had ties that strong to his own blood family.

And when they all came together, Luke, Michael, Grace, Calum, that was just… Ashton couldn’t really imagine a life without all of them in it. His new family.

“You guys are the sappiest.” Luke scrunched up his face, cuddling Lucifurr close. And the way he loved that cat had something to say about being sappy, but Ashton chose not to mention it.

“You love us.” He said instead.

“Yeah, you love us.” Michael echoed, grabbing Luke’s head and pressing a slobbering kiss on his cheek, which had Ashton laughing and shaking his head.

He wished he and Calum were back home with them, having a quiet night in, talking or playing games. Ashton was happy to be back home, but he hadn’t accounted for how much he would miss the life he had built with Calum at Cambridge.

The younger was breathing calmly, forehead pressed to Ashton’s thigh like he knew even in his sleep Ashton was there. It made Ashton’s heart go crazy. But it always did with Calum. Started galloping at the slightest detail, calmed down like it never did with anything else when he had Calum by his side.

Michael was asking Luke something in the background, and Ashton could hear a sudden screech from Lucifurr that indicated someone had probably gotten scratched, and yet he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Calum’s face. He looked so serene. Breathing steadily, his arms in front of him like he needed something to hold but he couldn’t reach anything. It made Ashton long to lie back down with him, cuddle close, watch over him while he slept, taking in everything. From the way the corner of his lips tugged up every so often to the way his breath picked up in certain moments. It was one of Ashton’s favourite pastimes.

“Shut up, Mike.” Luke’s shriek cut into his thoughts, Michael’s snickers making Ashton reluctantly look back to his phone, finding Luke probably as red as he was, trying to cover his face.

“No way. I just found a _bra_ under the couch. There’s no way I’m shutting up about this.” Michael smirked.

“A bra?” Ashton asked, his own lips turning up as he regarded Luke, who seemed like he didn’t know where to hide. “Luke?” He prodded, and Luke turned even more red if that was possible.

“I… may be dating someone.” He murmured, his voice almost too quiet. But Ashton heard it.

“WHAT?!” He exclaimed, and then suddenly remembered Calum was still asleep, so he repeated in a much lower voice, “ _What_?”

* * *

“Yeah, and you know what?” Ashton rambled on as he bit into his last piece of crepe.

“What?” Calum asked across from him, hiding his face behind his mug. His eyes were alight with fondness, making Ashton’s heart beat happily inside his chest.

“Remember the girl you met when you came looking for me at the ED that first time?” He said with his mouth half full, ignoring Calum’s face at it.

The younger finished swallowing before nodding. “Vaguely, yeah.”

“Luke and her have been seeing each other in secret for _weeks_. Fucking around for even longer.” Ashton spilled, laughing a bit and remembering how hard he had tried not to scream when he and Michael finally got Luke to confess who he was dating. “When he told me I nearly smashed his head in for not having told me sooner.” He added.

“No way.” Calum snorted.

“Yes way. Like I’ve known Norah for as long as him, and neither of them have said anything to me. I feel like I’ve been living a lie.” Ashton whined, pouting for effect.

Calum giggled, his eyes sparkling as they met Ashton’s. He had that look in his eyes that made Ashton feel all loved up and warm. Like he was enjoying more Ashton’s own shock at the news than the news themselves.

“I’m serious, I’ve been talking dates with Norah.” Ashton continued. “Now I just know they were all a scam.”

“Or maybe she was sneakily telling you about Luke.” Calum suggested taking another sip of his tea.

“Nah, she wasn’t.” Ashton waved him off. And then he thought about the conversations he had had with her during night shifts they had been bored out of their minds. The amount of detail. The way she had laughed whenever Ashton seemed shocked. The way she had smirked. “Oh my god, she totally was. _Oh my god._ “ Ashton muttered, his eyes widening with the realisation that he now knew things about Luke he preferred not to have ever known.

Calum was giggling in front of him, his eyes crinkling cutely as he kept his gaze on Ashton. It made Ashton feel the love for him, replacing the shock over Luke’s news in his arteries, spreading warmth through him. He only smiled at him, unable to do anything else as his eyes glued to Calum.

“Love your laugh.” He breathed out, unconsciously. He felt himself blushing at it, but the way Calum’s cheeks filled with colour so fast was more than enough reward.

“I’m glad you had a good time talking with them.” Calum said, clearly skirting over the compliment in an effort not to get flustered, but Ashton knew better. And he loved he was still able to make Calum feel like that. He would repeat all the things he loved about him every day if it got Calum to smile the way he was smiling right now.

“It was nice. I miss them.” Ashton admitted, following the conversation. And then he stretched his hand over the table, taking Calum’s. “Thank you.” He whispered, glancing down at their hands before his eyes met back Calum’s.

Calum shrugged again, playing the matter down, but the little smile adorning his lips, one of Ashton’s absolute favourites, was enough to make Ashton feel his heart warming up. He knew why Calum had called them. And Ashton was more than grateful for him having done it.

Talking with Luke and Michael, laughing as he had during the call,… It had taken Ashton’s mind away from the nightmare, made it look like just what it was: a bad dream. His life was much more colourful than what the dream had been, devoid of colour and so disheartening. And he _had_ missed Luke and Michael and their stupid bickering and the jokes and everything. Even the little demon Luke loved like he was his own son. Even if he said he felt powerless in a situation like last night’s, Calum always knew how to help him.

Ashton leaned over the counter, grabbing his face and catching his lips in a kiss that had Calum sighing against him, smiling dumbly as soon as Ashton pulled away.

“I’m happy to see you smiling.” Calum said, softly. He reached for Ashton’s hand, stroking over his knuckles tenderly, and Ashton just about felt himself swooning at the little gesture.

“You did that.” Ashton breathed, unable to keep it in. “You always make me smile.”

Calum blushed at it, his thumb brush again over the back of his hand. But he didn’t say anything, instead looking down to his lap. Ashton didn’t really mind. He could just lovingly stare at him for a while.

His mum was working today, and Lauren had taken Harry to a friend’s house and it didn’t look like she would be coming back just yet. It was just them there. Ashton was looking forward to some well-earned cuddles and maybe a mid morning nap while watching some film. Maybe taking Calum out for lunch.

“Hey, I was thinking…” Calum started, suddenly looking back up to him, worrying his lip.

“Tell me.”

“Nanna said she wanted to meet you.” Calum smiled, his eyes telling Ashton exactly what he was implying.

“You want to introduce me to her when I look like a tomato?” Ashton said scandalised, staring at him in betrayal.

“Come on, she won’t even notice through the screen.” Calum chuckled, rolling his eyes. “ _Please_?” He added with a pout, making Ashton relax against the table again.

He was fucking powerless against Calum when he looked at him like that. And the younger very well knew that.

“Fine.” Ashton gave in, smiling at him and letting out an exasperated but fond sigh. “What have you even told her about me?” He asked as an afterthought, taking his hand away from Calum and gathering their plates to wash them.

“Well, of course I’ve told her everything we do in the bedroom, that’s the first thing I shared with her.” Calum said completely serious, which had Ashton smacking him lightly on his hand.

“Shut up.” He complained.

Calum’s chuckles followed him all the way to the sink. Ashton had started doing the dishes when he suddenly felt Calum hugging him from behind, the younger’s hands sneaking around his stomach as he buried his head in between Ashton’s shoulders.

“Told her you’re the best man I’ve ever met.” Calum mumbled against his tee. “That I love your voice, and your passion for what you do. There was an entire afternoon of me just telling her about your smile and the way it makes me feel inside. Told her that I get lost in your eyes with more ease than I do in the stars.” He went on, Ashton feeling Calum’s own smile against his bare shoulder, his breath making Ashton’s heart pick up its pace. “Also told her that you make me happier every single day.” He whispered softly, making Ashton’s breath hitch and his hands stop still.

“ _Cal_.” Ashton let out, his voice catching in his throat as Calum only hummed. Shit, Ashton would never get used to the way Calum made him feel, the way the younger reduced him to a quivering mess of feelings with just a few words. Ashton searched for his hand even when his were full of soap, needing to have a stronger connexion with Calum right now.

The black-haired boy was leaving sweet kisses on Ashton’s nape and it was making Ashton feel so loved he could cry. Ashton closed his eyes, enjoying the quiet moment. Calum always got extra sweet whenever Ashton was feeling down, but this… This took the cake. Ashton felt so fucking lucky to have him, so fucking lucky to have met him and having given in that day Calum came looking for him.

The rest of his life had been decided just then, hadn’t it? Like Calum had said last Christmas, falling for each other just seemed like the natural course of events, like it was inevitable. And god if Ashton hadn’t kept falling more and more each day.

“Love you so much.” He finally muttered, feeling Calum burrowing into his back.

“Love you too, Ash.”

They stayed like that for a few more seconds, just… breathing the moment in. Ashton sighed, though, getting back to doing the dishes. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in his bed with Calum in his arms, but for that he still had to go through a list of chores. Calum stayed hugging him, peppering his neck with soft kisses every once in a while, offering to dry the dishes while Ashton put on a load on the washing machine.

Ashton had just finished doing so when his mind stuck on a distinct thought. “You’ll lead the conversation with her, though. Right?” He asked, worrying his lip.

“You’ve met Mali. You’ve met my _mum_.” Calum laughed, putting the last of the dishes away. “Nanna’s not scary.”

“You were singing a very different song not a month ago.”

“She’s fine, you’ll see. Let me text Mali we’re ready.” Calum said, pecking him lightly before running to his phone and typing away.

Ashton laughed at his excitement until his brain caught up with what he had said, “Wait, _‘ready’_?” He asked, walking closer to Calum and arching his eyebrow. “What does that mean, Cal?”

Calum just laughed, still typing on his phone like a madman. He looked too smug for it to be a coincidence. And Ashton remember he _had_ also called Luke and Michael.

“Just exactly how many Skype calls have you planned already?” Ashton asked slowly, squinting at the grinning boy.

“Just two?” Calum said with a blinding smile. “And maybe a lunch out.” He added as an afterthought, grabbing Ashton’s hand and starting his way upstairs.

“Calum? _Calum_?”

But the boy was pulling on his hand as he manoeuvred them to Ashton’s room, kicking off his thongs and climbing into the bed, looking up at Ashton expectantly.

Ashton rolled his eyes and climbed in next to him, resting his back on the headboard and muttering, “You didn’t explain yourself.”

“Oh hey, look, it’s Mali calling.” Calum said, ignoring him and taking the call as he cuddled closer. “Hi Mals! Hi Nanna!”

“You’re weird today.” Was Mali’s greeting, as she stared at them suspiciously.

“Thanks for confirming it, I didn’t want to say it out loud and make it true.” Ashton agreed with her, still side-eyeing a very much still grinning Calum, who stuck his tongue out at him before he smushed Ashton’s face against his in the frame. Ashton almost whined at the pain of being touched on the burnt skin of his cheeks, but then he glanced back at the phone and Calum’s grandmother was looking at them with a small smile. She seemed nice. It was like seeing Joy in twenty years. With glasses.

“This is Ashton, Nanna.” Calum said, smiling at the screen and then turning his head to face Ashton with a feeling in his gaze that had Ashton feeling warm all over. Calum was looking at him like he was so happy to be introducing them, his voice dripping with love as Ashton’s name rolled off his tongue, and Ashton felt the heat rising in his cheeks as his heart quickened its pace. For once, he thanked his face was already red.

Ashton tried to shake himself out of it, though, reminding himself that Anahera and Mali were probably waiting on him to talk like he wasn’t stupid. Like Calum hadn’t made him melt inside, even his hands trembling at his sides. He turned back to the phone, smiling tentatively at the camera.

“Hi. Pleased to meet you.” The little wave that followed his wavering voice had Mali snorting in the background and Ashton cursed himself at being so socially awkward. Although he doubted anyone would _ace_ meeting the grandparents. Even more so after having had Calum looking at him like _that._

“Nice to meet you, Ashton.” Anahera said, her voice warm. Then her eyes turned stern as she addressed Calum. “Calum, try not to make him weak in the knees like that, the boy looks like he can barely talk.”

Ashton sputtered, not knowing where to look, as Calum snickered right alongside him. “I can’t help it Nanna, that’s just how I always look at him.”

Mali fake-retched in the back, shaking her head fondly at them right afterwards, and Ashton couldn’t feel more awkward if he tried.

“How are you feeling being back with your family, Ashton?” Anahera cut in, though. Her eyes were kind, and Ashton silently thanked being able to talk about something else.

“It’s been great. I’ve missed being here.” He smiled back at her, his heart settling down a bit.

Speaking of family, she reminded Ashton of his own grandmother, which he still hadn’t had a chance to go visit again after his first day back when he dropped in with Harry and Lauren. Maybe he should take Calum there tomorrow. Watch him suffer through it. His grandfather was going to make Calum turn so red he would rival Ashton’s own face. That would be nice to watch.

“You look scheming.” Mali intervened.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Ashton dismissed, laughing to himself when Calum looked at him quizzically. “So how are you? How are things going over there?” He changed the topic, looking back at Anahera and hoping she would take the question.

“Oh, we’re all fine.” She waved it off. “Now. Tell me about how you and my grandson are spending your time.”

* * *

“Do you even know where we’re going?” Ashton asked worriedly, Calum hadn’t allowed him to look at the names of the trains they were catching, holding his hands in front of his eyes until he was sure Ashton couldn’t see any names.

Plus, he was being awfully mysterious about this whole thing. Didn’t want any help, wasn’t letting Ashton comment on anything they were doing. He just kept pulling him from train to train, making sure Ashton didn’t have a clue about where they were going.

“Yes, I know how to use Maps.” By his tone, Ashton suspected he had to have just being the receiving end of a royal eye roll. Calum was now busying himself rearranging the cloth he had put over Ashton’s eyes before they stepped out of what Ashton thought it was the last train, still tugging on his hand.

“Cal, Sydney’s big.” Ashton said slowly.

“I’m not going to get us lost.” Calum insisted, stopping and giving him a kiss, Ashton feeling him smiling right as he pulled away. “Just wait. It’s all planned. You’ll see.”

“Okay.” Ashton resigned himself.

When Calum put his mind into something, there was no talking him down, so Ashton just followed him as he walked around the station. And he did have a point. Whenever Calum organised something, it always went down without a hitch. Surprises had always been his thing since Ashton met him. What was happening right now wasn’t too out of the ordinary his life, if Ashton was honest. He was just a bit nervous about not being able to know exactly where they were or what they were even going to do.

After a five-minute walk, Calum leading him as he rambled on about their conversation with Mali and Anahera, they stopped abruptly. Ashton was about to ask about it when he felt Calum’s free hand tugging at his blindfold.

“Okay, we’re here.” He said brightly, his eyes crinkling at the ends as he smiled at Ashton, who had to blink several times for his eyes to adjust to the light after the time he had been blindfolded.

Ashton turned around, blinking as he tried to get his eyes used to the sudden bright sun. They were just at the corner of a park, buildings surrounding it. Ashton frowned, examining the lay out of the city he could see, and then he realised.

His heart stopped for a moment, memories flooding his mind about this part of the city. He wondered how Calum knew which campus Ashton had studied at –Ashton didn’t think he had mentioned it to him. Ever. He had said it was Western Sydney, but he didn’t recall ever talking about Parramatta–. Ashton looked at the younger, suspicious.

Maybe it was just a coincidence in Calum’s endless search for adventure and ways of surprising him. But Calum was smiling at him, eyes sparkling with contained excitement and Ashton knew, he _knew_ there had to be a sentimental plan behind all this.

“What are we-”

“Just wait.” Calum smiled, leaning forward to peck his nose before stepping back. He was kind of bouncing with restless energy, looking at his phone from time to time and growing even more excited. Ashton was about to ask what they were waiting for again when he heard it.

“IRWIN!”

He would have recognised that voice _anywhere_.

“Otto?” Ashton turned around, eyes wide as a smile took over his face.

“Come here, bro!” Otto said, and his voice was wavering, and Ashton felt his own eyes filling with tears as he ran to him, throwing himself at the blonde, hugging him close. “Man, it’s been too long.” Otto added, returning the hug so tight that Ashton found breathing a little difficult, but he didn’t let go. Tears were freely running down his cheeks, but his face also hurt from how hard he was smiling, so it was fine.

Otto was sniffling as well, which made Ashton cry even harder, just now letting himself think about how much he had missed the older. Yeah, losing Bec had broken him, but losing Otto at the same time… Ashton felt guilty every day for having lost a year with him. For secluding himself, staying away. Otto was _family_. Just as Michael was to Calum. Maybe that was why their relationship had drawn Ashton in too, when he first met Calum. They reminded him of what he and Otto had been.

Otto had been there for him for so long, through so much stuff… Shitty high school papers and failed dates, a good sum of Ashton’s firsts, first kiss, first girlfriend, first boyfriend, first time,... And not only the good firsts but also the bad ones. First time Ashtons heart was broken, first time Ashton lost a patient at the hospital,… He had been there through birthdays, through the elation of finally finishing fucking uni and getting a job in the hospital… And Ashton had been there for him too. As much as Bec, Otto had been a constant in his life since he sat down next to him back in secondary school. Ashton really couldn’t imagine how his life would have panned out without him.

So now Ashton mentally kicked himself for the hundredth time, cursing at his stupid self from two years ago that decided cutting all communication was better for him, for them. And now it had been two years since the last time he had been near Otto, and Ashton couldn’t stop crying and laughing at the same time. But it was okay, Otto was in exactly the same state if his sobs near Ashton’s ear were anything to go by.

“I thought you were working all week. Wasn’t expecting to see you until Sunday.” Ashton finally said, chuckling in between the tears and pulling away to look at Otto as the older clapped Ashton’s back. Otto raised his other hand to wipe some tears away, eyes flitting away from Ashton’s, embarrassed, and that simple gesture woke so many memories inside of Ashton that it _hurt_.

“Asked for a free day.” Otto shrugged, a wet chuckle coming past his lips.

They stared at each other like they were in some kind of rom-com, and Ashton could only imagine what they had to look like to Calum. He felt the presence of the boy behind him, a silent support in case Ashton needed him, so Ashton stretched his right hand backwards, feeling Calum’s fingers quickly fit right into his. Otto smiled at him, fondness in his eyes, and then he glanced towards Calum.

“Your boyfriend was very convincing about me asking for that free day.”

“Don’t lie, you jumped at the opportunity as soon as I said hello.” Calum snorted, coming closer and hooking his chin over Ashton’s shoulder.

“Touché.” Otto laughed right back. “But it still was your idea. That’s what I’ll say if my boss ever ask me.”

Ashton could feel Calum nodding, muttering _that’s_ _fair_. A little laugh followed right after that had Ashton’s chest fluttering, so he squeezed Calum’s hand.

“So, should we just like, hug?” Otto asked, still looking at Calum, who just giggled, nodding as he disentangled himself from Ashton and stepped around to greet Otto.

“Nice to finally meet you.” Calum said, hugging Otto tightly, and Ashton could do nothing but stare at them.

“Same, man. Thanks for taking care of this dumbass for me.” Otto nodded to Ashton, who could only let out a distracted _Oi_ as Calum burst into laughter.

“It’s not easy, that I’ll tell you.”

“ _Oi_.”

“But he also takes care of me–” Calum continued, turning to look at Ashton as he stuck his tongue out, before he concluded, “–so we’re even.”

“You two are adorable.” Otto smiled, glancing between the two of them before he engulfed Ashton back in a hug. “God, you are missable.” He muttered, and Ashton felt like crying again, returning the hug. “It’s been too fucking long.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Ashton mumbled against his shoulder, just happy to be back with him.

This time when Otto pulled away, it was Ashton, the one who was surreptitiously wiping away his tears, chuckling right after.

“So, what’s the plan?” Ashton posed, trying to take the attention away from the –quite embarrassingly tearful– reunion and looking between the two of them. If they had planned that, and knowing what Ashton did about Calum, there was some kind of answer to his question. He was surprised, though.

Otto looked pensive, glancing around. He was biting his lower before he turned back to Ashton, grinning excitedly.

“Grill’d?”

“ _Fuck yes_.” Ashton immediately agreed, just now realising how much he had missed the place. Calum’s home cooking was the stuff Ashton’s dreams were made of, and the burgers at Monkfield Arms and The Eagle were fine, but shit, had he missed Grill’d. Those apparently healthy -not really-, but really, _really_ good burgers had saved him more than once during uni.

“I really hope that’s a restaurant because I’m famished.” Calum intervened, taking his sunglasses from where he had clipped them on his tee and putting them on.

Ashton tried swallowing past the sudden dryness of his throat at the image, ignoring Otto’s big ass smirk to his left, and said, “We ate a doughnut on the train.”

“That was just a snack, I need _more_.”

“A man after my own heart.” Otto cut in, throwing his arm around Calum in a half hug. It had Calum beaming up at him, his eyes crinkling, and Ashton wasn’t sure how he was still breathing.

“Take me to the food!” Calum declared, thrusting his fist in the air and starting to walk down the street without even knowing where to go.

Otto crossed a look with Ashton, and he just shrugged, giggling to himself and staring heart-eyed at the absolute treasure that was Calum. 

* * *

Grill’d was packed full by the time they got there, so they decided to just have a beer while they waited for a table to clear out. Which, if Ashton remembered right, could take some time _._ It had already been like close to half an hour, and the chips they had ordered with their drinks weren’t exactly enough to calm either of their stomachs, much less Calum’s.

“I’m hungry.” Calum pouted not long after the thought passed through Ashton’s brain, making him cuddle close and press a kiss on his cheek.

“You want more chips?”

Calum worried his lip, his eyes scanning the room before he nodded. Ashton smiled at him, kissing his cheek again and walking down to the cash line to order some more fries. He really, really hoped a table cleared out soon. The place smelled like burgers and Ashton’s stomach was more than happy to remind him that it would very much like to bite down on one of them.

Calum and Otto seemed to have clicked quite well, joking back and forth and quite honestly directing all their jabs at Ashton. Which stung a bit, but Ashton laughed with them anyway.

Being back with Otto had awaken the memories of previous times spent at Grill’d, times when they had been three, as well, but a _different_ three. Ashton had never quite grown to see the family resemblance between Otto and Bec beyond shared tics or the way they laughed, but now... It seemed weird, looking at Otto and seeing Bec’s features. It hurt, being back here without her. But it felt more akin to a bittersweet sentiment than the acute pain Ashton had been fearing he would feel when he saw Otto again. Maybe that was why he hadn’t insisted on the older to take a day off from the Aquatic Centre, just waiting until they saw each other Sunday.

Sunday. The anniversary of Bec’s death.

The year had gone way too quickly, Ashton just noticed. But it wasn’t like it had felt quick while he was living it. It had just been such a contrast to how the first year had passed -Ashton not really remembering half of it apart from his friendship with Luke- that it just seemed like it had gone by faster. Being with Calum, falling in love, moving together… It had all helped Ashton. It had made him feel like he had pressed a restart button on his life, which had been kind of on pause ever since Bec died.

When he stopped to think about it, it felt weird, being here with Calum. Because for some strange reason this place made Ashton feel like Bec was still alive, and for a moment there a thought popped into his brain.

He would have loved to introduce Calum to her. Ashton would have loved to see them getting along, would have just loved to have them all together, laughing as they hung out, catching up with each other.

And then it clicked for him.

He would have liked to introduce Calum to Bec as his _boyfriend_.

As the man he was so in love with.

As the man Ashton was hoping to spend the rest of his life with.

And that meant… 

Ashton was still sad about Bec’s passing, of course he was sad. He probably would be for the rest of his life. Would be able to look back with happiness at the time they had shared, but feel sad every time he missed her. But Ashton wasn’t mourning what they _could have been_ anymore. He wasn’t mourning his romantic feelings for Bec, because they were no longer there. He loved Bec. Would _always_ love her. But he hadn’t been in love with her for some time now. It saddened him that it had faded away with time passing.

A slight feeling of guilt took over Ashton right then, his brain for a moment making a sketchy connexion between having fallen in love with Calum and out of love with her. But Ashton shook his head quickly at it. He had told Calum last night. It wasn’t like that. The love he felt for them had felt different. It hadn’t been a matter of replacement. The hole in his heart after Bec’s death hadn’t been ‘filled’ with his love for Calum. It wasn’t anything even remotely close to that. His feelings for Calum run a completely different course as his feelings for Bec.

Those feelings… Ashton remembered what it had felt like being in love with her. Of course he did. It had felt as natural as breathing, once upon a time. But now when he searched in his heart for her only platonic love remained. She had been Ashton’s best friend for a solid 9 years, and that seemed to be the only remaining feelings for her in Ashton’s heart.

He didn’t know if that was normal after the time that had passed. Didn’t know if other people fell out of love with a deceased partner, or stayed in love with them. But for Ashton… It just wasn’t there anymore. Ashton just remembered her fondly now, his heart-warming up every time he saw Otto making a joke that reminded him of Bec.

In part, it saddened him. Being in love with Bec had been ingrained in his identity for so many of those years… Maybe Ashton had changed during his time away. He knew he _had_ changed after her death. And even when he knew it was irrational, he still detected a hint of guilt over having let go of those feelings, over having fallen out of love with her. Felt like a betrayal to her memory, somehow. Weirdest thing was, Ashton also felt like she would have been happy to see him moving on.

There were so many contradictory feelings swirling around in his chest that he didn’t notice when Calum came walking up to him, a twinkle in his eye.

“Otto got us a table.” He grinned, nodding to the outdoor seating area. “He said you should order him his usual.” Calum added, kissing him on the cheek as his arms came around Ashton’s waist. He leaned into Ashton’s side then, humming contentedly.

Ashton melted against him, as usual, heart calming down and the weight he hadn’t noticed on his chest easing up with the younger by his side. And then he tensed, registering Calum’s actual words.

“I don’t know what’s Otto’s usual.” Ashton suddenly realised, his eyes widening. He glanced towards Otto, finding him smirking right back as if he knew where Ashton’s fear stricken expression came from.

“He also said that he would text it to you. Just wanted to watch you panicking.” Calum snickered, turning towards the outside seating area and grinning at a laughing Otto.

“Bastard.” Ashton grunted, rolling his eyes.

He joined Calum in his giggles, though, never one to resist the younger’s laugh.

“You okay, baby?” Calum asked with a hint of worry when they grew quiet again, walking a bit closer to the register as another customer finished ordering.

“Yeah.” Ashton nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

Calum looked like he wanted to say something else, but he just let his head loll into Ashton’s shoulder, staying there.

“It just feels weird.” Ashton confessed quietly after a beat. “Being back here. After so long. I spent a good portion of my uni days here.”

Calum’s hand slid down his arm to take his hand, pressing a soft kiss on Ashton’s shoulder.

“I thought you would enjoy having more time with Otto. I’m sorry, I didn’t think about how it would feel being out with....” He trailed off.

“Bec’s brother.” Ashton finished for him.

“Sorry.” Calum repeated, mumbling into Ashton’s tee.

“No, no.” Ashton shook his head quickly, raising Calum’s face by his chin and smiling. “I’m happy you called him. I should have talked to him myself about meeting sooner. You did good.” Ashton reassured him. “I just need time to process some things.”

Calum raised his head, smiling softly at him and squeezing his hand, but he didn’t say anything else.

When they ordered, Calum took his and Otto’s drinks to their table while Ashton waited for his own, his eyes following the younger to the table. Ashton was still kind of in shock, watching them interact, laughing together as they chatted animatedly. And of course they had talked before, every time Ashton was on a Skype call with Otto. But having them right next to each other was making Ashton feel... Some kind of way. His two worlds were coming together, and it just felt like it wasn’t actually happening. Like it was too good to be true. Like the wall he had put up between his past life here in Sydney and the life he had built back in Cambridge was falling down. And it felt _good_.

He smiled, thinking about the lines blurring even more when he and Calum married in the future, Luke, Michael and Otto joining up to gang on them. Oh god, that would be a sight to see.

* * *

After lunch and a leisurely stroll around Parramatta to walk off the food -Ashton filled Calum in about all the little spots and anecdotes he remembered from his university days- they took the train downtown. It felt nice being back in Sydney, even walking amongst the tourists and taking Calum places Ashton would probably never have hung out in before he moved away. But it was nice now, watching Calum’s excited grin as he took everything in, Otto smiling at them and catching Ashton back up on his life since the last time they had skyped.

He seemed fine to Ashton. His eyes got a bit far away whenever either of them mentioned Bec, but that was to be expected, wasn’t it? What struck Ashton out was the fact that the older wasn’t seeing anybody. Otto had always been in some kind of relationship or other while they were growing up. Ashton didn’t know if he should ask anymore.

Yeah, they talked regularly now, and Ashton knew out of all his friends, Otto probably knew him the best. He knew that they would be friends for life, that they would always be there for each other. But he and Otto weren’t as close anymore. And there was no point in denying that, even if it made Ashton sad.

So he just chose to enjoy the little time they had together, talking about stupid shit like they were still living together and no time had passed at all. It felt good, knowing they could hang out and still be the same as they were before everything changed.

They had settled after a while at Hyde Park, Calum having offered to get them something to eat from a nearby place while Ashton waited in the shade with Otto. Ashton knew why he had offered himself to go, and the kiss Calum had pressed on his cheek and the squeeze on his hand had only confirmed it.

It had been heartwarming seeing Calum getting so excited about the Robert Burns statue they had passed on their way to the park from the Botanic Garden, asking Ashton to take a pic of him so he could send it to his dad. Ashton was sure the heart eyes hadn’t left his face the entire time it took for Calum to be happy with the picture.

“So. Calum.” Otto’s voice cut in his thoughts, making Ashton immediately face him.

“Just come out and say it.” He chuckled, shaking his head at Otto, who immediately swatted his arm, laughing too, before he settled back on the grass, leaning on his elbows as he people watched.

“He’s cool.” Otto said tentatively.

“That’s that? _‘He’s cool’_?” Ashton snorted. “Dude, we know each other too well for us to be walking on eggshells.”

“I know, I know.” Otto laughed, rubbing his face. He looked away from Ashton’s inquisitive gaze, sighing. And then he just said, “You’re never coming back to live here, are you?”

The tone of his voice let on that there was more than one sentiment behind the question, and the way he was smiling, sad, but still a smile, spoke on itself.

“Calum and I haven’t talked about it, but… I don’t think so.” Ashton admitted slowly.

“I figured as much.” Otto glanced at him, shrugging before he sat up. “It sucks, but I’m glad you’re happy, Ash.” He said. Then turned to look at him, smiling even bigger. “I really am happy for you.”

“It’s not like I know the future. My situation could change.” Ashton said, frowning.

He hadn’t allowed the thought of him and Calum possibly not working out in the future into his brain, but faced with Otto’s question it just seemed like he had to, right? Even if Ashton didn’t have doubts in them working out, in them going the distance. It would be stupid not to consider all angles.

But Otto’s snort made him lose that trail of thought quickly. “That’s…” He laughed, shaking his head like Ashton’s musing was just nonsense. “Dude, that’s never going to happen. I’ve known you for years, Ash. I couldn’t assess the situation over Skype as easily, but today it was just crystal clear.” He said, smiling at Ashton. “He’s your _person_. I can tell. I think everyone with eyes could.” He snickered, shoving Ashton lightly. Ashton blushed, looking down at the grass. “And I’m pretty sure you’re his.” Otto added more calmly. “The way Calum looks at you, the way he talks about you. _Damn_.”

Ashton felt himself blushing at Otto’s statement, some tears rushing to his eyes, looking away. For Otto to be saying that, when once upon a time he had been the captain of the ‘Beshton’ ship, it just… It meant a lot.

“Thanks Otto.” He mumbled, wiping away a stray tear.

“I’m just saying what I think.” Otto laughed, but the way he smiled at him and reached to squeeze his shoulder said it all.

Ashton took it further, throwing himself to him in a hug, squeezing the life out of him. Otto laughed a bit more, but he hugged him back anyway, something sounding suspiciously like a sob reaching Ashton’s ear.

They were still hugging each other by the time Calum came back, Starbucks iced-coffee in his hand, a tote bag on the other and his sunglasses on. Ever since they had reunited in his hometown’s train station, Ashton had come to realise that Calum plus hot weather may have been a combination that was just a bit too much for his heart. Too much skin on display. Ashton felt weak.

“Can I join in on the hug?” Calum asked, smiling. And Ashton laughed, clearing out the tears from his cheeks and making grabby hands at him. Calum easily let his things on the ground and threw himself to Ashton’s arms, giggling as Ashton held him close. Then he extended an arm to grab Otto back, making the older laugh but join in anyway.

Didn’t last as long as Ashton would have liked, but he still savoured it. Calum let go, sitting down next to Ashton, close enough that his entire right side was flushed to Ashton’s left. He offered them both iced-coffees, a muffin for Otto.

“Nothing for me?” Ashton pouted, searching the bag, but there seemed to be only napkins left.

“You didn’t ask for food.” Calum shrugged, holding his gaze. But he was smirking, soon cracking up and taking the bag from him, taking out a toastie and handing it out to him, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“Thanks babe.” Ashton beamed at him, unwrapping it and digging in. Calum just giggled, letting himself fall back on his back as he sighed.

It was a nice day out, and the sky was clearer than it had been the past few days. Coming back and watching the fires from the plane had made Ashton feel kind of detached from the reality of it, his heart hurting but his mind not registering that that was actually his home country, burning down. The smell had permeated the air, and the sunsets he remembered had turned even more orangey than usual. Right now the air in the park was the cleanest Ashton had enjoyed in days, and he prayed the bushfires didn’t get worse as summer advanced. There had been too much destruction already.

“Michael! Stop!” A shout from somewhere close to them startled Ashton, who turned around just in time to see a giggling toddler crashing into Calum, almost falling down if it hadn’t been for Calum’s quick reflexes, steadying him.

“Hey, little lad, slow down.” Calum said gently, sitting up. The child was looking at him with wide eyes, almost scared, before a man came running to them, crouching down to hold the toddler’s shoulder before he looked at Calum.

“Thanks man, he just learnt how to run and now it’s like he can’t do anything else.” The guy said, laughing, but clearly relieved.

“That’s alright.” Calum said agreeably, making a silly face at the child, whose lips turned up a bit before he hid behind his dad’s legs.

But Ashton was staring at the man, gaping.

His face was one Ashton wished he didn’t have to see every time he had a nightmare.

“ _Phillip_?” Ashton asked, wide eyed.

The man, who was indeed Ashton’s ex-coworker, turned to look at him, taking off his sunglasses, his face mirroring Ashton’s. “Irwin? Ashton Irwin? No way, man!” He laughed, reaching out to pat Ashton’s shoulder, excited grin on his face before he started laughing, “Mate, I almost didn’t recognise you under all that red.”

“Fuck off.” Ashton complained, suddenly remembering that he was in front of a toddler and biting his tongue, looking back to Phillip apologetically. The older waved it off, laughing.

Ashton hadn’t expected to run into him, of all people. Last time he had seen Phillip –outside of his nightmares– had been at Bec’s funeral. Ashton hadn’t actually seen him in his last days working at the hospital, right before he quit. Running into him right now was just...

“Ashton?” Now Charlie’s voice came from behind Phillip. She looked shocked. Well, Ashton was as well.

“Charlie?” He let out, scrambling to his feet as he kept gaping at them both. He hadn’t been able to close his mouth since he realised it was Phillip in front of him, and now Charlie was there too? Was he dreaming? _What the fuck._

“Didn’t know you were back home.” She said, glancing from him to what Ashton supposed were Otto and Calum. The latter had gotten up right after him, staying close. Ashton could feel him, and he felt reassured by his proximity. It anchored him, made Ashton feel like his world hadn’t suddenly turned back time to two years ago.

“I came back for the holidays.” Ashton answered slowly. Then his eyes fell down, noticing the toddler was hiding now behind Charlie’s leg, who had reached down to take one of his tiny hands.

“He’s _yours_?” Ashton asked, astonished. _He hadn’t been gone that long, had he?_ Ashton reached behind him for Calum’s hand, who took it near immediately, stepping closer. It helped make Ashton feel like he was still in the present.

“Come on, love. Come, say hi.” Phillip crouched down, taking the boy’s other hand and reassuring him.

“Wait, you two are _together_?” Ashton was even more sure that this was just a dream now. It had to be, right? Phillip and Charlie had never had anything that could have resulted in having a kid together in so little a time. “ _How long was I away for_?”

“ _Long_ , but not that long.” Charlie laughed, finally crossing the space between them and engulfing him in a hug that Ashton half-returned with his free hand. His right was still clutching Calum’s in a way that must have been painful. Calum wasn’t saying anything, though, just squeezing right back. He also looked slightly nervous when Ashton glanced back at him, so when Ashton let go of Charlie, he stepped back, closer to him. A silent gesture of support.

“I found out I was pregnant with Michael January two years back.” Charlie explained, then looking behind them, smiling. “Hi, Otto.”

“How’s it going?” He asked from the ground, raising his hand as a greeting.

Ashton looked between them, “You two know each other? Is there something else I missed?”

“A _lot_.” Charlie snorted, crouching down to pick up the toddler.

“We met after you left.” Otto cut in. “I stopped by at the hospital to thank Pete and Elliotte for their effort.”

“Yeah, and I had to find out from him that you left for the UK.” Charlie added, shifting the baby’s weight on her hip.

“Sorry.” Ashton mumbled, looking away feeling remorseful. He was aware of just how badly he had handled everything back then, but he had just needed to get away as fast as possible. Should have probably talked to a few more people, shouldn’t have ignored calls. Explained he was leaving. Charlie would have probably understood, wouldn’t have even questioned him. But at the time it had hurt talking to anyone who had known Bec personally.

“I see your manners didn’t get any better with time, though, Irwin.” Charlie’s laugh brought him back to the present. She nodded to Calum, who Ashton felt tense a bit. “I’m Charlie. Used to be Ashton’s supervisor back at the hospital.” She smiled, offering Calum her hand.

“Oh, I’ve heard a lot about you.” Calum chuckled, he sounded nervous. He still took her hand, though, shaking it lightly. “I’m Calum. Um, Ashton’s boyfriend.”

Charlie gave him a once-over, then turning to Ashton with an approving smile. “Nicely done, mate.”

“Shut up, Charlie.” Ashton mumbled, turning red. Well, _redder_.

She snorted loudly, shaking her head at him and then turned her head to whisper at her son, the boy nodding, his eyes unsure and fixed on Ashton.

“Mikey, these are uncle Ashton-” Charlie said pointing to him, and then smiled at Ashton before adding, “-and uncle Calum.”

Ashton shared a complicit look with Calum, who had a smile from ear to ear as he observed the toddler with what Ashton could only describe as the utmost love. He almost got teary eyed when he actually registered Charlie’s words, squeezing Calum’s hand.

“Hello, Michael.” Ashton said softly, smiling at the kid.

He gave a little wave, hiding his face in his mother’s neck and sucking on his thumb, eyeing them both with wide eyes.

“Hi.” Calum whispered next to him, his voice so soft it made Ashton’s heart melt. Tears did rush to his eyes this time. He blinked them quickly, watching as Calum got eye level with away the kid before saying, “I love your name.”

Calum looked up to Charlie, his eyes inquisitive, and she nodded, whispering something into Michael’s ear. Then she let him down, the kid still sucking on his thumb as he looked at Calum, who had crouched down to his height, with wide eyes.

“My best friend’s name is Michael too.” Calum beamed at him. The toddler looked confused, glancing up to Charlie, who just barked up a laugh that had Ashton rolling his eyes.

“Maee?” He babbled, and Ashton almost felt warmth spreading all through him when Calum grinned, nodding.

“Yes, Michael.” He repeated, grinning hopefully at the child. It wasn’t clear if Michael had understood him or not, because he looked back up to his mother before letting out a short giggle, turning to Calum and giggling more.

Calum started giggling as well, his cheeks so round they made Ashton want to pinch them again, and it looked like they had entered a loop. Calum giggled, Michael giggled at his giggling, which caused Calum to giggle harder, his eyes crinkling up. And then it started all over again. Ashton’s heart was doing somersaults inside his chest, and he couldn’t stop smiling. When he was finally able to tear his gaze away, Michael having sat down copying Calum –to Calum’s delight–, Charlie was smirking at him with her arms crossed.

Otto and Phillip were talking a ways off, the latter keeping an eye out on his kid and Calum, but otherwise giving Charlie and Ashton some space. Charlie had kept her gaze on Ashton, her smirk only getting bigger, until Ashton just couldn’t take it in anymore.

“What?” Ashton laughed.

She pointedly gazed down to Calum trying to talk with Michael, then back to Ashton, and Ashton would have felt embarrassed, but at this point he knew his heart eyes were inevitable, so he just laughed.

“I know.” He chuckled, rolling his eyes.

Charlie’s smile then was softer, a rare sight for Ashton. Not even back in their days working together did Ashton remember anything like that. Maybe once or twice, whenever Bec had joined them and he had caught Charlie looking at them with what he would have once upon a time called her ‘big-sister-look’. 

“You look happy, Ashton.” She commented, coming closer and standing right next to Ashton as they both kept an eye on Calum and the toddler.

“I am.” Ashton admitted.

“I’m happy for you.” Charlie said, and it sounded so sincere, so heartfelt, that Ashton felt some tears rushing to his eyes again. It wasn’t a good day for having so many reunions. The nightmare had already left him feeling raw. And then meeting Otto… Emotions were running high. Ashton felt like he was on a rollercoaster. “He looks like a good guy.” Charlie noted after a while.

“The best.” Ashton breathed, biting his lip afterward, Calum having made Michael giggle again.

“Good with kids, too.” Charlie added, her tone suggestive, and Ashton snorted, shaking his head.

“He _is._ But it’s way, _way_ too soon to think about that.” He laughed, feeling his cheeks getting hotter. He knew, he just knew, from every time he had seen Calum with a kid, that the younger would be a great dad. But there were _years_ before that would happen. Still, it was nice to fantasise about their future together. And it felt good, watching as Calum enjoyed himself so much with the toddler as Michael tried grabbing his nose.

“Well, at least you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant without any plan for it.” Charlie shrugged, pulling Ashton back into the conversation.

“Yeah, about _that_.” Ashton said, turning to stare at her. “Phillip? _Really_?”

“Do you remember the Halloween party back in 2017?” Charlie asked, lowering her voice like she didn’t want anyone to listen. Perhaps because Otto and Phillip were coming back right now, Phillip crouching down next to Calum and offering him a bubble blower. And Ashton didn’t know who looked more excited: Otto, Calum or the kid.

“No way.” Ashton laughed, turning to look at her again and finding her smirking. He still frowned, remembering a part of that night. He and Bec had offered Charlie a ride home that night, but she had refused, carpooling with Elliotte. “But you went home with Elliotte after the party.” He said out loud. Charlie was still smirking, suddenly looking away and laughing a bit.

“Wait,… Did you fuck him in a public restroom?”

“What can I say, I was drunk.” She snorted.

Ashton broke out laughing, covering his face. God, he had missed Charlie and her crazy stories. Even if this one in particular had resulted in a kid.

“So are you two together?”

“We tried. We don’t really fit that way.” Charlie grimaced. “But we _do_ work as a good team for Michael.” She shrugged, looking back to where three whole ass adults were blowing bubbles, giggling even harder than the toddler they were supposedly entertaining.

“Michael seems great. Has the best mom he could ever ask for.” Ashton said softly, meeting back Charlie’s gaze.

“Let’s hope so, because for all the good intentions his dad has, if I wasn’t up to the test, Michael would be hopeless.” She snorted.

Ashton shook his head, but still laughed. Phillip wasn’t a bad guy. A bit of an airhead, maybe. But, even though the memories Ashton had of him were twisted because of all the times he had seen him in his nightmares as the bearer of bad news, Phillip had actually done everything in his power that day to handle a situation Ashton wouldn’t have been capable off. Even if Ashton had spiralled out of control, Phillip had been nothing but soothing and kind during the worst moment in Ashton’s life.

He had stayed, in fact, after. Stayed with Ashton, seated on the back of the ambulance as the others called Otto and Bec’s parents. Stayed with him as they took away Bec’s body. He didn’t try getting Ashton to talk again, he just stayed there. Ashton had never actually thought about it until now, and he turned to look back at the man as he played with the toddler, another set of tears rushing to his eyes.

“Nah, I think Michael’s pretty lucky with him too.” He whispered, feeling a tear tracking down his cheek. “Phillip’s kind hearted and empathetic. Children need that.”

“Yeah.” Charlie agreed, letting her head loll on Ashton’s shoulder as they kept watching the scene in front of them.

Ashton silently thanked that she didn’t mention the tears, but for how jokey she was all the time, Ashton knew she also knew when to not make a joke. He had been in one too many hard shifts with her.

“How long are you staying?” She asked after a while.

“Christmas Day.” Ashton breathed out.

“Will you come by the hospital?” Charlie asked, but she didn’t sound very sure about asking. “I’m sure Pete and Elliotte would love to see you. Ollie too.”

Ashton held her gaze for a moment, biting his lip. “I don’t know, Charlie.” He finally said.

“It’s okay. I get it.” She smiled, reaching to squeeze his forearm.

“Say hi to them for me?” Ashton asked after a beat.

“Yeah, sure.” She nodded. She looked like she wanted to say something else, but she seemed to change her mind, clearing her throat and nodding towards Calum and the others, still playing like children with the bubbles. “Should we interrupt that?”

“Nah, they look happy.” Ashton laughed, shaking his head. “Let the kids play.”

* * *

“So you planned a full day, huh.” Ashton mused, chuckling as Calum set down on his chest.

They had just gotten into bed after dinner with his family, and Ashton was looking forward to sleeping. He was exhausted, mentally and physically. From the nightmare, to Luke’s revelation, meeting Calum’s grandmother, catching up with Otto, to running into Charlie,... it had been a full day if there ever was one. A good day, though. Better than Ashton would have ever hoped for, after how it had begun.

“I didn’t plan on running into Charlie.” Calum chuckled lightly. “That was really nice, though.” He added in a softer tone.

“Yeah, it was.” Ashton agreed. For all the feelings it brought to the surface for Ashton, he still knew he would have kicked himself if he hadn’t talked to her. Same as if he had waited to see Otto. “Thank you.” He breathed against Calum’s hair, pressing a kiss to his curls. “I needed a day like today.”

Calum smiled, pushing himself up and smiling at Ashton, meeting his eyes. “I’m glad it went okay.”

“It went more than okay.” Ashton smiled back. “You’re the best, do you know that?” He went on, leaning forward to nuzzle Calum’s nose.

“I just wanted to help.” Calum muttered, suddenly bashful, and Ashton’s heart warmed up at that.

“You did.”

Calum hummed, looking back to him before he leaned in for a kiss, Ashton melting against him. It felt so good, the way Calum was kissing him, love pouring out of every swipe of his lips. It was making Ashton feel dizzy, settling back down against the bed and taking Calum down with him without breaking the kiss. Neither tried to deepen it, enjoying the calmness and the tenderness of the moment, breathing each other in.

A buzz coming from the bedside table made Calum stop, though, giggling against Ashton’s lips and pulling away.

“It might be my mum, she always texts me goodnight and I need to reply, I don’t want her to worry.” The younger said, stretching his arm to get the phone and unblocking it as he sat up, straddling Ashton.

His face changed radically as his eyes scanned the screen, making Ashton sit up fast, worried. Calum looked shocked.

“Babe? What is it?” He asked, his hand squeezing Calum’s thigh, searching for some kind of indication in Calum’s face about what had made him freeze.

“I got an email from Birmingham. It’s a rejection letter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! Thanks for reading as always!! ^^
> 
> So a couple things, hahah, I'm fully aware of having changed one word of the lyrics Calum sings (Losing Me - Gabrielle Aplin, btw, love her with my whole heart), and I know it can be read as me having mispelled "temper" as "tempo", but I didn't think saying temper right there fit the atmosphere and I took the artistic liberty (i'm so sorry Gabby) to change it for tempo.
> 
> And another, if there are any innacuracies about Sydney or Australia in general and any of you notice them, pls pls pls tell me hahahha. Google can only get me so far 😅
> 
> Love you all 💙💙💙


	7. The Constant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deep into FInals Week. Needed a break so I edited this. I can't promise there's no mistakes, though hahhaha My mind's not really capable of much at this point of the year 😂  
> Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> (and if you're a fan of Lost, you know where I stole the title of this chapter from 🤭🤭)

“Can we stay in today?” Calum whispered in the quiet, snuggling closer to Ashton’s chest. Soft light was coming from the window, dawn having yet to break properly.

“Yeah.” The older immediately agreed. Calum felt how he took a deep breath, clearly debating whether or not to keep talking. His fist tightened its hold on Ashton’s tee as he felt Ashton’s hand squeezing him closer. “Cal?”

“Just need to be alone with you, here. For a bit.” Calum said quietly, hiding his face in Ashton’s neck.

“Okay.”

“Thank you.” He whispered, closing his eyes tightly.

Calum didn’t want to feel like this. It was stupid. It was just one place that had rejected him. It didn’t mean that much. Even the lead researcher had contacted him to tell him they would keep him in mind if a spot came up in a field he had more experience in. And it was logical. After all, if they had candidates who had a PhD, it was clear those were better suited for the jobs that had been offered than Calum himself.

Besides, he had always kept Birmingham as a second choice. Calum had applied to the job only because he needed to have more than one possibility. Prague had been the one he had always had his eyes set on, specially on their research on magnetic fields around black holes. It was just his luck that he had developed –or regained, or created by his own hand– a fear about being away from home.

Yesterday had been a good day for him. Focusing on Ashton, making sure he felt better while still allowing him space to deal with the nightmare… It had helped Calum feel useful. It had also distracted him from his own mind, which had been a very much welcomed relief. Not that he would ever want to see Ashton down, it was just… When Calum focused on him, when he just enjoyed life, appreciating every single moment of happiness he shared with Ashton… It helped. A lot. 

It had been Calum’s defence mechanism since he could remember. Too much stress at school? Focus on helping Michael with his homework. Being nervous about stupid things like the future? Help out at the centre, focusing on those who needed help. And Calum was ashamed to admit it had become his norm throughout his relationship with Ashton as well. Every time Calum had felt overwhelmed because of his thesis he had prepared an outing for him and Ashton. When the job search begun to stress him out, and he had needed to calm himself down, it had been planning Ashton’s gifts for their anniversary.

Calum had told Ashton once that when he realised he didn’t have the tools for solving something that made him anxious but he _knew_ he had the opportunity to help other people he always chose the latter. And it was true, Calum did that. It was better than wallowing in his own inability to deal with stuff. But that was it. He wasn’t _dealing_ with the anxiety.

Ashton had called him mature for learning to let go, when Calum told him that. Because, yeah, it always seemed like the uneasiness faded away at the start. Every time. The rewarding experience of helping someone else helped soothe the weight on his chest. But it always came back, and usually double forced. When he got to that stage, Calum always knew it was the time to try to talk about it with someone. 

With Ashton, he reached that state of needing to talk about it far quicker than with anyone he knew. Maybe because Calum had shared so much of his mind with him that it didn’t feel as difficult to exteriorise the conflict inside. And right now, even though Calum knew he needed a bit more time, he also knew he would be inevitably talking to Ashton about Birmingham in just a few hours. He had already spent half the night tossing and turning, doubtlessly keeping Ashton up.

“Ash?” He mumbled, gripping Ashton’s sleep tee tighter.

Ashton’s answer came immediately, “What do you need?”

“Distract me?” Calum asked, propping himself on his elbow and locking eyes with Ashton, who looked concerned but ready to do anything in his power to help him. Calum had to glance away, or else he would have done something silly like tearing up because the look on Ashton’s eyes made him _feel_ too much. His eyes travelled around the room for a bit before he faced Ashton again, requesting quietly, “Tell me stuff about when you were younger, when you lived in this room.”

Ashton’s gaze softened, his hand reaching to comb back some of Calum’s hair as he smiled. “I can do that.”

Calum kissed him softly before he climbed back, allowing Ashton to take a seat against the headrest, swiftly fitting himself in between the older’s legs. Ashton was quick to take his hand in his, hooking his chin over Calum’s shoulder as he pointed with his free hand to the corner of the room next to his desk.

“See that dent over there?” He asked, his voice so close to Calum’s ear that it brought out goosebumps. Calum nodded, his eyes examining the chip on the paint. “Otto and I were testing a dirigible plane toy his parents had gotten him for Christmas. We drove it straight to the wall. Mum was furious.”

“Michael and I had a similar accident.” Calum laughed quietly in response. “But in our case it was a window that ended up broken.”

“A _window_?”

“We needed a big finish for our helicopter car chase.” Calum shrugged.

Ashton snorted behind him, Calum feeling his chest shake with laughter where he was leaning against the older. “Why does that explanation not surprise me at all?”

“Hey, we were 12.” Calum swatted his hand. Then mumbled, “We weren’t thinking.”

Ashton just laughed harder at it, holding Calum closer and pressing a kiss to his nape. He stayed there for a moment, warm breath hitting the back of Calum’s neck.

“Can you believe Harry and Lauren used to climb up this bed in the middle of the night well up until I left for uni?” Ashton mused, chuckling after it. “It’s so tiny, and I remember feeling annoyed at them because all I wanted was to have a bit of privacy back then, and yet I could never bring myself to throw them out.”

Calum felt his lips turning up, a sigh escaping him as he tried to imagine all three of them sleeping there. “If you want to relive those memories, I can easily sleep on the sofa for a night.” He said, and it was without a hint of teasing. Calum meant it.

And by the way Ashton kissed him lightly on the cheek, Calum knew Ashton understood. “I don’t think we would fit. _We_ barely do.” He chuckled, though. “Plus it would be pretty awkward in the morning, you know.” Ashton muttered, suddenly hiding his face in Calum’s neck.

“Pretty awkward, yeah.” Calum agreed, chuckling as he shook his head at Ashton’s implications.

Silence fell over them after that, Calum’s fingers tracing invisible lines on Ashton’s forearm around his stomach. The house was pretty quiet even when Calum knew today they were all there. Perhaps it was earlier than he thought it was, and Ashton’s family was still asleep. It felt peaceful. Allowed Calum to immerse himself fully in the sureness of Ashton behind him, the sunlight coming through the window.

His eyes scanned the room again, travelling over pictures, little knick-knacks all over the place that spoke of Ashton’s personality, the amount of anatomy text books piled up in Ashton’s tiny bookshelf. The posters on the walls. There were even a couple of cardboard boxes stacked up between the desk and the wall opposite the bed. Maybe it were Ashton’s things from the flat he had been living at before moving to Cambourne. Calum wondered if Ashton had even looked through them. If he would.

Yesterday he had seen that far away look in Ashton’s face a couple of times, the one that showed he was thinking of Bec. When he and Otto had seen each other again for the first time in two years. When Ashton had been observing them both while he queued at Grill’d. But it had been different somehow from the ones Calum remembered. And he couldn’t pinpoint exactly _why_. There was just something distinctly different about it.

He burrowed back, turning his chest just enough so he could press a kiss to Ashton’s cheek. The older closed his eyes, his lips pulling up in a smile that made Calum feel warm and fuzzy. Plus, having Ashton’s arms still around him made him feel slightly less untethered to reality. A bit more settled.

Sun was catching on Ashton’s hair, making it shine golden. _Golden_. Calum still saw it, whenever he let his love for Ashton run free in his veins. He saw it _everywhere_. And he kind of liked his world that way. Gold and blue.

He nuzzled Ashton’s cheek, the older letting out a soft chuckle. It was scratchy, though.

“Have you ever grown a beard?” Calum suddenly asked, his eyes flickering upwards until he meet Ashton’s questioning ones. “I think you would look good with one.”

Ashton hadn’t shaved since before the sunburn incident and now he had a layer of stubble covering his cheeks. He reached to caress Ashton’s jaw with his fingertips, his eyes falling back to the stubble. It wasn’t the first time the thought had infiltrated Calum’s mind. Had happened a few times before, every time Ashton took a couple days too long to shave and the stubble made Calum feel _something_.

Ashton with a beard. Well. Something warming up inside Calum’s core told him maybe he shouldn’t have brought it up. It wasn’t even a reality, and he was already feeling hot.

“I tried back when I was 20.” Ashton chuckled. “I think I may have some pictures in here somewhere.”

“Well, you can’t just say that and not show me.” Calum complained, smiling hopefully at Ashton.

“I would have to get out of bed for that.” Ashton whined, hugging Calum closer as if to prove a point. Calum stared at him for a minute before giving in, snuggling against him.

“Okay. Then later.” Calum decided. “Tell me more about the room. The first day here I felt _you_ in every corner, but I want to know who you were back then.”

“A stupid teenager.” Ashton snorted, his laughter shaking his chest underneath Calum’s cheek.

“Come on.” Calum nosed at his neck, craning his neck.

“I don’t know, it was just a place to sleep and study. Maybe listening to music.”

“And having sex for the first time.” Calum chimed in.

“Yeah, that too.” Ashton laughed, pinching Calum’s stomach. Calum flinched back, but soon he was crowding in again, giggles tumbling off his lips at the memory of Ashton telling him about his first time just a few days ago. The older had been right, it definitely had made Ashton’s top five most embarrassing moments. At least it hadn’t been as high in the ranking as Calum’s own...

“We moved here right after Lauren was born.” Ashton whispered in the otherwise now quiet room. “I remember coming in and having the opportunity to choose a room for myself.”

Calum breathed deeply, closing his eyes as he tried imagining Ashton back when he was 7, tasked with the importance of choosing his own room.

“I remember looking at the other rooms. I didn’t like them because they were big. They made me feel so small.” Ashton exhaled, his fingers burying themselves on Calum’s hair and gently massaging his scalp. He probably was lost on the memory, so Calum stayed quiet, wanting to know more. “Despite my mom’s plans, I chose the smallest.” Ashton giggled, “Having the walls closer made me feel better at night, as if they were tucking me in.”

Calum understood what he meant. Big spaces were less manageable than smaller ones. They automatically made you have less control over the environment. He had more than once gone downstairs to Mali’s room in the middle of the night to sleep on her bay window. It was small, and he could curl up, and he could watch the moon and stars through the window. Plus, hearing Mali’s breathing always calmed him down.

“I guess I don’t have to wonder why neither Lauren nor Harry have wanted to claim it, though.” Ashton snorted. “It feels fucking small now.”

Calum giggled, burrowing into Ashton’s chest and closing his eyes. “ _I_ love it.”

“It’s not much.” Ashton said, and by his tone Calum knew he was scrunching up his face.

“Oh, but it’s cosy and warm.” Calum argued. There was something that definitely made him feel at home within these walls. Maybe because it used to be Ashton’s space. Also, “I love the exposed brick. I’ve always wanted that.” He whispered, his eyes wandering around the room.

Calum knew it had to be a nightmare to clean, but there was something about the warmth it conveyed that called to him. Always had. Even now when the mean temperature since he got here was hotter than Calum was used to.

“Yeah?” Ashton kissed him lightly on his temple. His fingers delicately combing back Calum’s curls. “We can look for a place that has exposed brick when we need to move out of the flat.”

Calum raised his hand, playing with Ashton’s fingers and bringing them to his lips, pressing a kiss there as his only answer. He felt Ashton’s chest deflating under him as the older let out a slow breath, the air hitting Calum’s hair. It felt good. It felt natural, and nice, and _right_.

“Love you.” He sighed against Ashton’s fingers, then bringing both their hands down and over his chest.

Ashton tightened his hug, his chin finding a place on the junction of Calum’s shoulder and neck.

“Love you too, babe.”

The hairs on the back of his neck stood straight up, shivers running down Calum’s spine from the place Ashton’s breath was hitting him. If he let himself be in the moment, he could forget about Birmingham and everything else going on in his life. The only important thing, the only constant he wanted to never let go of was Ashton. Everything else was just details.

Last night the older had done everything in his hand to help Calum to feel better, to help take his mind off of the letter. Haven’t downplayed the impact it had had on Calum, but Ashton knew how Calum’s mind worked. Knew that at first he needed time, needed to be distracted from it. The distraction didn’t shadow his inner conflict, didn’t actually hide it for either of them. It just allowed Calum to examine the situation later on from a different perspective, a much calmer one, knowing Ashton had his back while he dealt with what he had to.

Calum had never thought he would meet someone that would know how to act around him when his mind was playing tricks. Michael knew how, but he had learnt with time. With Ashton, it seemed easy in a way that was almost scary. Like the older anticipated Calum’s needs even before he did. Or maybe it was just due to them being so honest and open with each other that Ashton knew how to read him. Or the fact that the few times he didn’t know, he asked what Calum needed.

And that was just it, _right_? The fact that he asked, that he wasn’t afraid to admit that he sometimes didn’t know what to do. Made Calum feel safer with him. If they were both on the same boat, it was easier.

Calum’s whole life had revolved around wanting to _know_. A constant _why_. A need to _understand_ things. It made him nervous when he couldn’t find the answers to questions he _should_ know how to answer. Even in astrophysics, if he went too deep into studying a question yet unanswered by anyone, it made him restless.

Perhaps it was weird that he felt reassured by Ashton acknowledging he too didn’t know how to act sometimes. Should have been the other way around. Calum should have felt comforted by an all-knowing-Ashton. But he didn’t think he ever would.

He knew they worked because they could see eye to eye, because knowing Ashton was also lost sometimes eased his own worries. Calum had been joking around when he told Ashton he would just get a _‘Scared together’_ tattoo, but even if he never actually inked it in his own skin, he knew the motto –or whatever it was at that point for them– was already engraved in his soul.

The mere notions of soulmates, twin flames and other halves,... Those were cute from a distance. Calum could understand why some people found comfort in them. It made sense people hoped to find _the one_. The person that would suit them best, that would have come from the same origin. That would have lived with them through countless past lives.

Calum agreed that the universe was alive, his entire field was based on it. He couldn’t deny it, didn’t want to. But as for it having a conscience and _directing_ the lives of the beings in it, he wasn’t so sure. If there was such a thing as other halves understood as two people who had once been one and now were subject to the universe’s will, it wasn’t something he believed in.

Every single human on earth was made up of atoms and matter that had once belonged to the same distant stars. The law of conservation of energy so dictated. Energy wasn’t created, only transformed. So it may be that that the atoms that made up two humans had in fact belonged together in lives past. But that was true of the entire population. Everyone was connected. Every living organism, every rock, every single thing on Earth. The physics Calum had studied didn’t give any rational explanation for the concept.

For Calum, soulmates or twin flames or whatever, people who you belonged with, were _made_. He may have been part of the same being, same matter as Ashton once upon a time. He may have a soul that met Ashton’s in a past life, if there were such things as souls.

It wasn’t often that Calum ventured there. As a physicist, he found it difficult. To reconcile science with spiritualism. A part of him wanted to believe in his grandparents still existing in some way after death. Another part rationalised everything down to particles and their parting from each other when people passed. So he didn’t often think about it.

Calum didn’t have a way of knowing for sure, if souls existed. If soulmates or twin flames existed. Didn’t want to venture there, because it would make him nervous, not _knowing_. So he didn’t entertain the ideas for long. Didn’t venture into the realm of quantum entanglement and super-determinism and the idea that everything single instant of time was already determined the moment the universe began, because the concepts were too big and too broad and yet unanswered, so they would just make Calum even more restless.

What he _did_ know, what was irrefutable for him, was the fact that the way it felt like he and Ashton were made for each other was due to how they had built their relationship. Getting to know each other, _sharing_ each other. Calum had fallen in love with Ashton at the same rate as he _understood_ him. Kept falling every single day. They had built something together, a space where they could meet and share their innermost thoughts with each other.

Even if there was a constant exchange of energy between them every time they talked –sound waves from their voices converted to electric current in their brains when it reached their ears–, it didn’t mean the universe was pulling their strings to exchange that energy. There was no cosmic force driving them to be like that with each other. He and Ashton had consciously decided to.

And there was beauty in that. In a world of choice, they had decided to build something together. Ashton had decided to be with him, talk to him, share his thoughts and dreams and fears.

Calum had once told Ashton that falling for him felt inevitable, that it felt like _they_ were meant to happen. And it still felt like that, but not because of a conscious universe pulling their strings together. They made a choice. They chose each other. And in Ashton making that choice, making himself vulnerable and open to Calum, it had been inevitable for Calum not to fall in love with the older. Because Ashton was allowing Calum into his inner world. And how could Calum not fall for him when he _understood_?

Calum fell in love with the cosmos as he understood it, understood how it worked. Ashton… gosh. Being _with him_ and _understanding_ his inner universe, rich and full of contrasts, alive and colourful... How could Calum ever have a chance in the world _not_ to fall for him when Ashton was the most beautiful person he had ever met? Welcoming Calum into his mind was the greatest gift Ashton could ever give Calum.

Now every cell in Calum’s body screamed his love for Ashton. Calum loved how kind he was, how selfless. How strong and patient. He loved his voice and his laughter, the way his mind worked. How his stream of thought was similar to Calum’s own, and yet so _different_. Calum loved talking with him, every conversation exciting when Ashton’s point of view challenged him in ways Calum would have never expected. Because he may know how Ashton may react about certain things, where he stood on certain topics, but Ashton kept surprising him at every turn. And Calum treasured that.

Treasured the good moments, the bad, everything in between. Treasured Ashton’s vulnerability, his passion for helping people out, his love for his family. His love for his friends, and for Bec. His laziness about laundry, his deep obsession with Doctor Who and his horrible puns. His sense of humour always making Calum laugh even when he was feeling down. His dreams about becoming a better nurse, someone reliable, someone who could _lead_. Calum treasured everything that made him _Ashton_. He didn’t have a clue about explaining love more than he did about souls, and yet, of this, he was sure. He was so _in love_ with Ashton.

The older was breathing slowly, his chest raising and falling to a beat Calum was tuned to now. His hand right had crept up Calum’s arm during his reverie, playing now with the hairs on the back of his neck. His left had stayed around Calum’s stomach, caressing over it every so often. Shivers ran down Calum’s spine, his heart beating faster with the soft touch. It was quiet, but he knew Ashton was completely focused on him, could feel his eyes watching him. Calum could feel his heartbeat, too. Slow as his breathing and so calming. _Home_ , it whispered. The one that pulled Calum right back from his mind, anchoring him in the now.

“What’s on your mind?” Ashton mused after a while, his voice gentle.

“ _You_.”

He heard the way it affected Ashton, his breath catching in his throat like Calum had taken him by surprise, his hand freezing on Calum’s stomach for just a second before he returned to stroking softly over it. That was another thing that always surprised Calum, how his words affected Ashton. How the older melted upon hearing Calum voicing his thoughts. If Ashton knew he was _always_ on his mind...

“Good things, I hope.” Ashton eventually chuckled. Calum would bet he had a delicious blush creeping up his neck and cheeks.

“Always.” Calum promised, turning his head around enough that he could leave a kiss on Ashton’s neck, staying there after.

* * *

“Wait.” He suddenly stopped chopping vegetables, staring at the cutting board before looking around himself. _How had it taken him so long to notice this?_ Calum blamed the weather, making him forget it was actually December. Making him forget about their own decorated flat back home. “Where are all your family’s Christmas decorations?” He turned to face Ashton, gaping.

“I actually don’t know.” Ashton frowned, looking around as he got up on the counter Calum had just been using for kneading the pizza dough, making him wince at the flour clinging to Ashton’s sweatpants. “I’ll ask Lauren later. We used to hang it all up at the start of December.”

“I can’t believe I haven’t noticed until now.” Calum muttered under his breath. “Can’t believe _you_ haven’t noticed.” He said a bit louder, chuckling as he eyed Ashton with a teasing smile.

“Is it weird if I say I have been preoccupied with other things?” Ashton asked, biting his lip as he met Calum’s gaze.

“No, I get that.” Calum nodded. “But, still. How could _we_ forget about Christmas?”

“We can decorate after lunch.” Ashton laughed, shaking his head before he leaned over to place a soft kiss on Calum’s temple, then stealing a handful of shredded cheese from the bowl Calum had put it in just moments prior.

Calum sent him a look and Ashton mouthed a _sorry_ , but it was clear as he filled his mouth with the cheese that he wasn’t sorry in the slightest. “I was kind of hoping for a nap.” Calum pouted.

“Well, then. After the nap.” Ashton rolled his eyes.

The morning had gone by quickly, him and Ashton bingeing some Netflix series together with Lauren. Calum hadn’t been as concentrated on it as he could have. In fact, he had caught Lauren eyeing him suspiciously from her place on the floor. Harry had been playing video games loudly in his room, Anne-Marie gone to work even before Calum and Ashton made it out of Ashton’s bedroom. It was just down to them and Lauren for lunch, who should be getting back shortly from taking Harry to a friend’s house.

The tension between him and Lauren had certainly eased after their day out at the beach, but Calum still caught her observing him with a calculated gaze from time to time. Made him a bit nervous. But conversation with her was at least flowing easier. Up until today, that was.

Ashton tried covering for him, being so lost in himself, speaking up more, becoming invested in the series. Just casually talking over it with her. Was good for Calum too, hearing them talk about trivial things. Also, having a first row seat to Ashton as an older sibling. Everything in Ashton screamed oldest sibling to him, but apart from Skype calls, Calum hadn’t really gotten a chance to see him with his family. These last few days had been so special just for that. Watching him with Harry, reassuring Lauren about college. Calum knew he had stared at them more than once, and he knew both Lauren and Anne-Marie had noticed.

“You think your family likes me?” He suddenly asked, the thought escaping past his lips before he could think twice about it.

It had been pestering his mind for a while now, but asking Ashton -even when they shared everything-, it had just felt… Weird. Not the kind of thing you ask someone. Not even your boyfriend.

“What?” Ashton chuckled, staring at him.

Calum stopped flattening the dough, letting go of the rolling pin and stared at the counter, trying to come up with a way of asking Ashton delicately. “I don’t think Lauren is… I don’t know how to put it. Comfortable? With me. With us.” He finished quietly, raising his eyes to meet Ashton’s.

Ashton held his gaze, taking a deep breath before exhaling slowly. “I noticed it.”

“Oh.” Calum said.

So he hadn’t misread the situation. And Ashton had noticed, which implied there was something noticeable about it. That Calum hadn’t been imagining things.

“She’s nice to me, though. I didn’t mean–”

“I know, Cal.” Ashton calmed him, smiling softly and reaching for Calum’s hand, tugging him closer until he was standing between his legs. “I think she just needs time.”

“Okay.” Calum nodded. “She hasn’t said anything bad to me. Or done anything. She’s been really nice and welcoming.” Calum assured him. He didn’t want to cause a rift between them now. “She’s just a bit… cold at times.”

Ashton nodded, closing his eyes for a moment, squeezing Calum’s hand. “She was close with Bec. I think her resentment is with me, not you.” Ashton bit his lip, meeting Calum’s eyes again.

“Oh.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s not something to apologise for.” Calum chuckled, shaking his head and raising his free hand to cup Ashton’s face. “It was just puzzling. I didn’t understand.”

Ashton made a face, looking away for a moment. “She did tell me she thinks you’re a good guy. That she liked you.”

Calum scoffed. “ _Come on_.”

“Honest, Cal.” Ashton chuckled, but he looked serious. “We had a talk the other day, while you were calling home. She said point blank that she liked you. And then Harry said you were the _‘coolest dude’_ he had ever met.” Ashton finished, a small giggle making it past his lips before he bit them, growing back to serious. “And my mum _loves_ you, babe. She does.” He then threw his hands over Calum’s shoulders, bringing him closer before whispering, “Everyone does. It’s hard not to.”

“Fuck off.” Calum mumbled, feeling the colour rising in his cheeks. “You’re just saying so because you’re in love with me. You’re blind.”

Ashton barked up a laughter at that, looking up before it turned down to giggles, his dimples deepening. “Nah, don’t think so. I mean, I _am_ blind,” He admitted, pointing to his glasses. “But not that kind. You’re gorgeous, Cal. Inside and out. No one who got to know _you_ could ever not fall for you.”

Breath escaped his lungs like he had been punched, Ashton’s words having him staring at him for a few seconds as he tried to even comprehend how the same thought had played on his mind about Ashton that same morning.

“I love you.” He was whispering before he knew it.

Ashton giggled softly, soft red coloring his cheeks. He looked bashful, a small smile remaining on his lips when the laughter died out.

“Love you too, babe.” Ashton whispered back, leaning in for a kiss.

“And I love your love, but I’m hungry and I don’t want to puke.” Lauren’s laughter reached them from the kitchen door before it had even been one second.

Calum jumped away from Ashton like he had been burned, scared shitless. Fuck. _How long had been Lauren there for?_ Had she heard them talking about her?

“Don’t look so scared, you two.” She laughed. Calum looked back to Ashton and saw that the older was indeed white, hands gripping the counter as he gaped at his sister. “It’s not like we didn’t know you were together or something, gosh. I’m just asking for _decency_ in _communal areas_.” She pointed out, sending a very telling look to Ashton, which made Calum feel warmth spreading through his cheeks.

Ashton was blushing furiously, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. Calum felt awkwardness wash over him at what Lauren was implying and he tried swallowing past the knot on his throat, but he was frozen.

“Oh, are we having pizza?” She beamed, coming in closer and looking at the array of toppings Calum had already assembled on the counter. “Can I help?” She grinned at him.

Calum nodded, still unable to find his voice as he crossed eyes with Ashton. He would have loved to tell Ashton _I told you so_ about their shower tryst a few days back, but Calum had given in way too quickly for that. Despite putting up a front of him not wanting Lauren and Harry to hear, he had caved so rapidly at the chance of being with Ashton after so long. It would just be very hypocritical of him to say ‘I told you so’ to the older now.

“I didn’t know I had a Michael in my own family.” Ashton finally muttered, vacant look in his eyes.

Lauren dipped her index in the sauce Calum had cooked just before licking it clean before glancing between them. “What’s a _Michael_?”

* * *

“Where does _this_ go?” Calum snorted, taking out a an obnoxiously green ornament that looked like some kind of alien puke with Ashton’s name scrawled in big red letters. It was cute, though. Thinking about little Ashton making it with so much passion.

“Oh _god_ , I forgot that existed.” Ashton laughed right back, coming closer with his eyes wide.

“With good reason.” Lauren chimed in, placing yet another box next to the tree and making a face at the monstrosity in Calum’s hands. “Please don’t put it up.”

“Can I take it back home?” Calum asked, looking back to Ashton and letting out a laugh.

“Fine by me. Take it as far away from here as possible.” Lauren muttered.

“Oi, it’s tradition to hang the shits we did as children.” Ashton scolded her. “But I guess I can move that tradition to our tree.” He admitted, facing Calum back with a small smile.

At the mention of starting their own traditions, their own _Christmas_ traditions, Calum felt warmth spreading all over. Imagining a future with Ash, their tree and decorations growing each year. Skating, like Michael said. Fuck, Calum couldn’t wait for it all.

He could doubt and he could worry about where he was finally going to get a fucking job, but Ashton. _Ashton_ was a sure thing. _Ashton_ was a permanent thing. Calum couldn’t really imagine a life without him anymore. Didn’t want to, anyway. He was a partner for life, even if they still had no thoughts of getting married. It was just… _known_. They were in it for the long run. Calum knew it.

“I’d _love_ that.” Calum grinned at him, leaning closer to kiss Ashton’s cheek sweetly, staying close for a moment. “Although I can’t say my childhood projects can reach this level of artistry.” He added, trying to cover through the fond he was sure was showing too much on his eyes.

“Fuck off.” Ashton chuckled.

“Anything can top _that_.” Lauren snorted, then she looked between them and rolled her eyes, already sorting through the new box.

Ashton hadn’t been joking when he told Calum his family went crazy over Christmas decorations. Just now Calum was understanding what he meant, looking around as they kept taking things out of boxes and trying to find a place for them. Every single available surface was covered with little knickknacks, the tree half decorated, and boxes upon boxes of ornaments next to it. Upon being asked about the decorations not being up, both Lauren and Harry had frowned for a moment, Lauren’s eyes boring into Ashton’s, but in the end she had shrugged and blamed it on laziness. Calum was sure it had something to do with Ashton leaving or Bec’s passing, but he didn’t dare ask.

Lauren had taken a seat on the floor next to the tree and was now trying to untangle a string of Christmas lights, looking up from time to time to laugh at them fooling around anytime Calum asked about a particular item. Harry had been helping them decorate the tree, but some minutes ago he had laid down on the floor and taken out his phone, letting out little laughs every few seconds while writing continuously. He was totally talking to a crush, but no one brought it up. Calum would try to get the gossip out of Ashton later.

There was faint Christmas music coming from the speakers of Calum’s computer, perched on the dining room table, and Calum couldn’t feel like he was living in a more surrealist situation even if he tried. Granted, Christmas during summer had been Ashton’s regular all his life, but for Calum, having grown up with cold, sometimes white Christmases, the setting right now felt really weird.

He and Ashton had taken off their tees a while ago, sweating with the effort of taking out the boxes of ornaments from the small shed out back and actually decorating the tree and everything. Harry was in a similar state of undress, and even Lauren was down to just wearing one of Ashton’s old tees over a bathing suit.

Ashton though,... There was just a bit of too much exposed skin on his part for Calum’s sanity. Calum was feeling equal parts soft and hot, looking at him fondly as the older sat down to take a breath. Calum liked the view, but it was also weird coupled with the pair of antlers that were on Ashton’s head right now.

He reached for his phone on the table, trying to sneakily take a picture of Ashton, but the older caught on. He looked up at him with a mixture of shyness and a soft look Calum wasn’t really accustomed to see outside of their flat. And certainly not when it wasn’t just the two of them. Calum snapped the picture, smiling when he saw the result.

“Wanna see.” The older beckoned him over, his arms sneaking round Calum’s hips as soon as Calum was within range. Ashton dropped a light kiss on his stomach, making Calum suck in a breath.

“I think I have a new pic for my background.” Calum declared, sitting down on Ashton’s lap and passing him his phone.

“I look weird.”

“I don’t think so.” Calum shrugged. “I like it.”

Ashton hummed, his lips pressing a soft kiss on Calum’s shoulder as his arm squeezed Calum closer. Calum couldn’t help the small giggle that escaped him when the antlers brushed over his neck, tickling him.

He suddenly heard the camera going off again, Ashton snapping a quick picture Calum wasn’t even ready for.

“Oi.” He gently shoved the older. “You should have warned me.”

“Nah. You got yours, I got mine.” Ashton chuckled, showing him the photo he had just taken.

It was slightly out of focus, Calum winced when he saw himself mid-laugh, his face weird looking. Ashton hadn’t even looked up to the camera, so it didn’t look like a selfie. He had his eyes closed, lips still brushing over Calum’s shoulder. Calum felt a wave of warm feelings wash over him, because even with his eyes closed, even with the stupid antlers, the expression on Ashton’s face made him want to cry with happiness.

“Maybe I’ll use this one too.” He whispered.

Ashton chuckled, tightening his hug as he dropped a kiss on his shoulder.

“I consider that a win.” He said, looking up to Calum’s eyes.

“A win? We weren’t even competing.” Calum scoffed, trying to paw away Ashton’s hands from his stomach so he could get up, but Ashton didn’t budge.

“I almost forgot how competitive you can get.” He giggled, making Calum gasp.

“Take that back.”

It only made Ashton laugh harder, his dimples coming out. Despite the warmth that spread through Calum’s chest at it, he was still low key outraged.

“I’m not _competitive_. Maybe a little bit stubborn, but not _competitive_. That’s you, if anything.” He insisted.

Ashton stared at him before he broke into another bout of giggles.

“ _Oi_.”

When Calum saw he wasn’t going to get the words out of Ashton’s mouth, he decided to move to offence, fingers digging into the older’s stomach tickling him, making Ashton make a really ridiculous face before he started giggling harder and harder, letting go of Calum and falling back against the couch, trying to get away from him. But he really couldn’t, and Calum was soon enough straddling him as he tickled him even with more purpose.

“Stop.” Ashton wheezed, putting his hands in front of his stomach as a shield. “Please stop, can’t take it.” He giggled, his cheeks round and red, his eyes bright. A curl had fallen over his eyes, and Calum suddenly felt drawn to it, pushing it back and carding his fingers through Ashton’s hair.

“Pretty.” He said under his breath, feeling warmth spread through him as Ashton’s blushed even more underneath him.

“Shut up.” The older muttered, glancing away.

“Most beautiful man I have ever seen.” Calum whispered. When Ashton rolled his eyes at him, Calum sat up, offering him a hand, nodding towards the impressive amount of ornaments still out of place. “Let’s finish putting all these up then we can watch a movie or something.”

“I like that plan.” Ashton smiled up at him.

* * *

They had just finished decorating the tree, and Ashton had just upped and started donning on spare shit, now wearing not one but two pair of antlers, a red nose that kept falling, and he was searching for something on Calum’s computer, glancing over his shoulder to check Calum wasn’t looking. It was ridiculous.

The first bars of Sinatra’s _Let it snow_ surprised Calum as Ashton started snapping his fingers to the beat, turning back to face him just in time as the verse started and pointing to him.

“ _Oh, the weather outside is frightful._ “ Calum rolled his eyes at Ashton’s choice of song, but still stared at him fondly as he danced his way closer, grabbing a red garland and putting it around his own neck. “ _But the fire is so delightful_.”

He wiggled his eyebrows at Calum, clearly inviting him over, but it only got Calum giggling like a thirteen-year-old. It wasn’t often that Ashton initiated dancing, so despite the embarrassment of being watched by Lauren, Harry and Anne-Marie –who had just gotten home from work– like a hawk, Calum indulged him.

“ _And since we’ve no place to go._ ” Ashton continued, opening his arms and winking at him. “ _Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!_ ”

It was awesome seeing the way the older’s smile was lit up his entire face when Calum came closer, playing along. He placed one hand on Ashton’s shoulder and took Ashton’s left hand on his, beginning to dance. He sang with him, breaking into giggles again as Ashton’s tried to twirl him, Calum’s height making it difficult.

“ _Oh, it doesn’t show signs of stopping._ ” Ashton sang, grinning at him and very clearly asking Calum to continue the lyric.

Which he immediately did, “ _And I’ve brought some corn for popping._ ”

Ashton smirked at him, closing the distance between them and singing the next line right next to Calum’s ear, “... _the lights are turned way down low. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow._ ”

Even if a shiver had run down his spine at the tone in Ashton’s voice, it was still nothing compared with the way the light bite Ashton sneaked in on Calum’s earlobe made him literally melt right into the older’s arms. “ _Ashton_.” He grunted quietly between his teeth.

“Keep singing.” Ashton whispered, coming out of his neck, giggling.

“ _When we finally kiss goodnight_ ,” Calum sung even though he still had half a mind to pull away for good. Ashton was too risky. “ _How I’ll hate going out on a storm!_ ”

“ _But if you really hold me tight,_ ” Ashton winked at him. He just fucking _winked_. “ _All the way home I’ll be **warm**._”

Calum’s knees almost gave out, and it was just fucking unfair.

“Baby.” He warned.

“What?” The older chuckled, smiling innocently at him.

“You know _what_.”

“I’ve done nothing wrong.” Ashton smiled. “Ever. In my life.”

Calum slid his hand up from his shoulder and tugged harshly on a few hairs on Ashton’s nape.

“ _Fuck_.”

“Language.” Calum tutted.

“Later?” Ashton asked, biting his lower lip. His eyes shined with anticipation.

Calum looked around, but Harry and Lauren both seemed to have grown uninterested during their full on karaoke moment. Anne-Marie wasn’t even in the room anymore. So he stepped closer to Ashton, claiming his lips in a kiss that was anything but innocent, feeling the older melt against him. He quickly pulled away, though, letting out a breathless giggle against Ashton’s lips and whispering, “Later.”

* * *

“You know? I love the way you dress at home, turtlenecks, tartans. But I’m loving this _you_.” Ashton mumbled in between kisses as they trudged their way to his room.

“Sweaty as hell?” Calum asked breathlessly, keeping his hands cupping Ashton’s face and following him close.

“Shirtless all the time.” Ashton clarified, stopping suddenly. Calum was about to ask him why when the older turned him around and pressed him to the wall, hard. Calum let out an embarrassingly loud whine, biting his lip until he was sure he was drawing blood. They were upstairs, and he was pretty sure the sounds of Endgame coming from the living room would surely drown out any that they could make, but he still didn’t want to risk it.

“You’re so fucking _hot_ , Cal.” Ashton whispered, closing in on him and giving a light bite to Calum’s earlobe, hands sliding over Calum’s chest, his shoulders, his arms.

“Nice to know you enjoy the view, ‘cause I’ve been enjoying you too.” Calum sighed, shivers running down his spine as he brought Ashton even closer still, his hands exploring the older’s back. “Love your back. Couldn’t stop staring all afternoon.”

“You couldn’t, huh?”

“Uh-hm.” Calum shook his head, whimpering after a pretty hard suck of Ashton on his neck.

Ashton’s family was downstairs watching the latest Avengers movie, but Ashton had been yawning so often that Calum took the executive decision of them both going to sleep for him. What he hadn’t expected was the older kissing him as soon as they reached the landing to the first floor, seemingly reawakened.

“Want you.” Ashton grunted, snapping Calum back to the present, still with his mouth attached to Calum’s neck.

“What? Right now?” Calum hissed, his voice catching at the end when Ashton gave a playful bite to his earlobe. “I thought _‘later’_ meant when they were asleep.”

Even if that meant waking up in the middle of the night, Calum would have done so. Gladly.

“We can be quieter for night.”

Calum shivered at the words Ashton whispered right in his ear, his half hard cock twitching. Very much interested.

“Oh my god, _Ashton_.” He said in a whisper. “Your sister already told us she _heard_ us last time.”

“She also told us to steer clear of communal areas. My room is not a communal area.” Ashton said, chuckling and coming out of his neck, pressing his forehead against Calum’s as his smile turned into a smirk.

“You’re insane.” Calum snickered, his whole body shuddering when Ashton’s right hand slid all the way to his boxers, grabbing him and squeezing hard. A silent moan escaped past Calum’s lips. He covered his mouth with his fist, biting hard when Ashton’s thumb ran over the head of his cock over the cloth.

“And you’re liking this way too much if the way you’re leaking is any indication.” Ashton let out a giggle, glancing down at the wet spot on Calum’s boxers before he met his eyes again, raising his eyebrows. “Who knew you would have a thing for getting caught.”

“I don’t have a thing for getting caught.” Calum denied immediately, blushing furiously and closing his eyes to avoid looking at Ashton’s smirk.

It just made the older laugh, “I didn’t mean caught _caught._ ” He snickered. “Just the _possibility_ of it.”

Calum grunted a response, not deigning to actually answer. He knew Ashton knew he was absolutely right, anyway.

“I’ve missed seeing you like this.” Ashton whispered, his breath hitting Calum’s lips and making him open his eyes again. Ashton was clearly staring down at his mouth, his thumb still stroking over the head of his cock. Between that and Ashton’s muscles all on display, Calum’s brain wasn’t really functioning correctly. So he just gave in.

“If you want to take me to bed, do it now before I regret this.” He breathed out, catching Ashton’s eyes just as he met back Calum’s gaze, his pupils completely blown out.

“Okay.”

Just like that, the heat from his body was gone and his hand was tugging on Calum’s to follow him down the hallway.

“You good to go?” He shot over his shoulder.

“Should be.” Calum shrugged. He had had a shower after they finished putting up the tree, and it hadn’t been only to wash off the excess of sweat. “But you can’t be seriously implying full on anal right now. You know I’m _loud_.” He added in a whisper, though, looking down the corridor where the light from the TV downstairs was casting lights.

“Not quite.” Ashton smirked at him, letting go of his hand and closing the door of his bedroom.

Calum looked at him curiously, but Ashton only crossed his way to the bed, climbing up. He took a seat, resting his back on the headboard and patted the space between his legs for Calum.

“Take off your pants.” Ashton said, quiet in the silence of the room, and Calum felt a shiver run down his spine at the tone of his voice. It left Calum with little to no choice, which had him really eager to see what Ashton had in mind beyond it.

“And you?” He asked anyway, nodding towards Ashton, still wearing a large tee that covered even his boxers.

It was _unfair_ , Calum wanted eye-candy. Ashton just seemed to laugh, rolling his eyes before taking off his tee and leaving it in a heap next to the bed, soon to be followed by his boxers. Calum swallowed, unable to tear his eyes away, until the older arched an eyebrow at him and he remembered he was supposed to have been getting naked as well.

Once he was buck naked, he climbed on top of the bed, facing Ashton and reaching up to cradle his face, going in for a kiss. Ashton responded eagerly, his hands anchoring themselves on Calum’s hips as he deepened the kiss, opening the younger’s mouth and sucking on his tongue, making Calum moan.

Weirdest thing was, despite the want and need he felt of being close to Ashton, of getting down to business, neither were actually frantic with it. In contrast to their kisses just a few moments ago on the hallway, this one was slow and sensual, and Calum could feel himself growing dizzier by the minute.

“Sit down with your back to me.” Ashton panted once they finally separated, opening his eyes and looking up from Calum’s lips to his eyes.

Calum frowned for a moment, but Ashton’s eyes glanced down as his right hand slid back to give Calum’s butt a squeeze as his left slowly caressed Calum’s lower stomach. It made Calum take a big breath, the muscles on his stomach tightening as Ashton’s fingers descended lower and lower every time, just teasing.

He complied Ashton’s earlier request, curious to see where this would end up, and sat down with his back to Ashton, whose hands promptly grabbed his hips and slid him back until the skin of Calum’s back was flushed to his chest.

“Want you to relax, babe.” He whispered near Calum’s ear, quiet and sexy, as his lips traced Calum’s neck up and down.

Calum let out a small whine, biting his lip right afterwards.

“Just relax.” Ashton repeated.

His hands weren’t fixed on Calum’s hips anymore, instead tracing soft patterns over Calum’s chest and stomach, mixing in light scratches from time to time that had Calum gasping and clutching Ashton’s thighs tightly. He felt soft and putty in Ashton’s hands, enjoying more what was happening right now rather than letting his mind wander about what the end goal was for Ashton.

Despite their naps and cuddle time here in Australia, Calum felt like he had been touch-starved and was only now getting his fair share of skin on skin contact. Almost like he _needed_ this, having Ashton whispering sweet nothings to him as he slowly but deliberately explored Calum’s body with his fingertips. It was indeed relaxing him, his mind turning to mush every time Ashton left a butterfly kiss right next to his ear before he mumbled a _love you_. Definitely not lost in his own thoughts anymore. There was only one thing in the forefront of his mind: Ashton, and the way the older was making him feel. Loved, wanted and, _fuck_ , sexy.

One of Ashton’s hands snaked down, towards his thighs, where he kept sliding up and down slowly, Calum letting out small sounds every time he got close to where he really wanted him. But Ashton didn’t stay there for long, instead choosing to take his hands up to Calum’s neck and shoulders, where he started on a massage.

That was it, just a massage, and yet Calum was getting more turned on by the second, the feeling of Ashton’s presence behind him having Calum squirming, wanting _more_. His cock was hard as rock and resting on his tummy, precome leaving a shiny trace on his stomach.

“Feeling good, babe?” Ashton asked back to nibbling on his earlobe, Calum feeling goosebumps erupt all over his skin as Ashton raked his teeth down his neck, nuzzling it right after.

“You know the answer to that.” Calum laughed, a little bit out of breath.

“Still want to hear you say it.” Ashton finished with a hard suck near Calum’s collarbone, making Calum sink his nails on the older’s thighs as he tried to keep in a whine.

“You’re such an eejit.” Calum breathed, chuckling when he felt Ashton’s chest shake with laughter behind him.

“Should I stop, then?” Ashton teased, taking his hands off of Calum’s skin.

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare.”

Ashton giggled again, but his fingers started tracing delicate patterns down Calum’s arms, sliding to his front, down his thighs. Calum was sighing all the time, a few moans mixing in when Ashton grabbed him tighter, when he left on his trail a few scratches. He was positively working Calum over and he hadn’t even touched him properly yet.

“Love you like this.” Ashton whispered, one hand coming up to turn Calum’s head with the tip of his fingers and his lips quickly closing in on the younger. He took his time, moving his lips slowly and taking Calum apart. Calum’s hands were shaking on his sides, shivers running all through him as Ashton kept up the kiss, licking over his lower lip and making Calum moan low.

He was almost too dizzy to notice when Ashton’s other hand finally, _finally_ moved to his dick, fingers lightly tracing his length. “Fuck, _Ash_.”

“Yeah?”

“Hm-hmm.” Calum nodded, closing his eyes, unable to hold Ashton’s gaze.

“You look gorgeous, Cal. So fucking _perfect_.” Ashton whispered as he started tugging on Calum’s cock. The way his voice broke in the middle of it, like Ashton couldn’t contain the feeling behind it, had Calum whimpering brokenly. “Your whole body makes me weak. Seeing you like this? I’m so turned on, babe.” He moved his hips against Calum’s backside just to point it out, Calum feeling his hard-on pressing against his lower back. Made him moan. He wished–. Fuck, he wished…

“Ashton.” He breathed, raising one hand up and reaching to tangle it in Ashton’s curls.

“Tell me.” The older’s breath hit his ear, and Calum had to turn his face and half-hid it in his shoulder, groaning when Ashton thumbed the head of his cock.

“Need more, _fuck–_ ” Calum gasped as Ashton gave him a strong tug. Calum tried to get out more words but gave up, craning his head and searching for Ashton’s eyes. “Please, baby.”

A shudder made Ashton tremble behind him, his breath hitching, before he was letting go of Calum’s cock. Calum frowned, confused and cold when Ashton stretched his upper half out of the bed towards his bedside table. But as soon as he saw him fumbling with the drawer and taking out a small bottle of lube, it clicked.

Calum whimpered at the sight, biting hard on his lower lip just to stop himself from being louder. It had been too long since he last had Ashton like that, even just his fingers. True, he had had Ashton finger him for maybe a minute last time they had sex in the shower, but it wasn’t the _same._ And the last couple weeks before Calum left Cambridge it had been Ashton the one coming apart on Calum’s fingers and his cock. Fuck, Calum missed having Ashton inside him. Too bad shagging wasn’t actually on the table for tonight, because Calum could do with a proper fuck. The kind that left him with a dull ache the next day, turned on anytime he would sit down. It had been more than a month since the last time Ashton fucked him hard, and sadly Calum estimated at the rate they were going to start the New Year without having had Ashton fucking him like that.

Ashton was quick to uncap the bottle and warm up his fingers, coming back behind Calum and gesturing for him to raise his hips so he could place a pillow below him. Calum scurried to do it, already anticipating Ashton’s fingers. He raised his leg before Ashton even had a chance to ask him to do it, making the older let out a small chuckle at his eagerness.

“What, like you wouldn’t be as eager as me?” Calum laughed right back, craning his neck to look at Ashton, who just shook his head fondly at him.

“We’ll find out.” Ashton muttered, but his eyes were focussed back on Calum’s cock while he snaked his arm under Calum’s raised leg, making Calum suck in a breath at the gentle prodding near his hole. “You comfy?” He checked, and Calum hummed, letting his head fall back into Ashton’s chest as he sighed.

Ashton didn’t really waste much time then, gently circling over his rim as his left hand crept back near Calum’s cock, giving it a squeeze.

“Baby.” Calum breathed out, clutching Ashton’s arm. Ashton let out a slight hiss at the contact, Calum letting it fall to his thigh when he remembered the burn. He just needed to have his hand clutching something and Ashton’s thigh was as well a choice as anything.

After a bit too much time spent of teasing his hole –Calum would downright call it torture at that point– Ashton finally pushed in his finger. It had Calum letting out a drawn-out groan, his fingers clenching on Ashton’s leg as his hips tried to get Ashton’s finger even deeper. Ashton chuckled near his ear, starting to slowly fuck in and out as his other hand kept the pace on Calum’s cock, and Calum didn’t really know what to do with himself.

Soon enough Ashton had not one but two fingers pumping in and out of Calum at the same rhythm as he was jerking him off, Calum beginning to squirm and feeling the heat in his lower abdomen growing faster than he would have thought possible.

Ashton was being careful not to stimulate his prostate too much, and Calum was grateful. With how sensitive he was after so long, he would have felt on the brink of coming even sooner than he was, his whole nervous system alight with pleasure.

“Close, Ash.” He whimpered, stretching his neck to be able to look at Ashton’s eyes again.

He found them almost with next to no green in the low light, the pupils having taken over. Ashton looked flushed, biting his lower lip like he couldn’t manage the vision of Calum coming apart at his hand. “You’re making me feel so fucking good.” Calum added, a moan taking over his voice as he finished his sentence, Ashton’s hand squeezing his cock a bit harder than he had been doing. “So fucking good.” He repeated in a breathy voice, unable to control himself, closing his eyes and letting himself feel.

“I’ll get you there, babe.” Ashton mumbled against his neck, his own voice not unaffected. “I’ll make you come.”

“ _Please_.” Calum breathed.

His stomach was beginning to tighten, poised to snap at any second now, and then Ashton’s hand stopped deep inside him, pressing the pad of his fingers on his prostate. It took no more than three more strokes on his cock and then he was coming all over his stomach and Ashton’s fist, the coil releasing and electrifying his whole body, shivers running haywire, an broken moan cutting through the silence of the room.

He was half aware of his fingernails digging hard into Ashton’s thigh, his vision failing for a moment as he tried to catch his breath. Ashton grunted near his ear, his fist milking even the last drop of cum from him.

“So beautiful, Cal.” Ashton whispered, something in his voice that ran further down than the simple lust they both were feeling on the surface. It made Calum feel like he was blushing, even when he knew it was near impossible to be more red than he already was.

He felt boneless, spent after a fucking _hand job_ and some fingers. And fuck if that hadn’t been one of his top ten orgasms.

“I need a minute.” He panted as soon as he regained a bit of self-control, opening his eyes again to find Ashton observing him with a soft smile.

“That hard?”

“It was intense, yeah.” Calum confessed, closing his eyes and trying to calm his breathing.

Ashton giggled above him, a little breathless too, and it made Calum’s heart skip a bit, imagining the dimples in his face and the way his curls fell over his eyes. When he finally opened his eyes again, heart rate down to a normal beat, Ashton was still looking at him.

Calum pushed himself up, catching his mouth in a kiss that had Ashton instantly melting against him, his hands trembling where they had been tracing soft patterns all over Calum’s skin.

“Your turn.” He winked at Ashton, turning around until he was lying straddling Ashton’s lap, hands resting on the older’s chest, and leaning forward to place his lips on the older’s neck.

He could feel Ashton sucking in a breath, his hands back to anchoring themselves on Calum’s waist. Calum smiled to himself, tracing the length of his neck with his teeth until he reached the place he knew would make Ashton’s hips buck up to his butt. He stopped for a couple of moments just to tease before biting down on the skin, his thumbs rubbing over Ashton’s nipples. The sound _that_ got out of Ashton’s throat alone could have made Calum come again, but his body was half asleep after the orgasm.

“ _Cal_.” Ashton hissed, hands tightening on Calum’s waist. “Come on.”

Calum only giggled, moving his ass up and down Ashton’s cock, teasing him even more.

“You’re a minx.” Ashton mumbled, flicking off Calum’s stomach.

“ _Ouch_.”

“You deserve that.” He added, fingertips attacking him and making Calum squirm.

“Fuck you.” Calum laughed, unable to stop himself with how Ashton was tickling him.

“I wish we could.” The older snickered, still making Calum giggle as he tried to move further away from Ashton and his fingertips.

“Either you stop or you cum on your own.” Calum warned, finally getting a hold of Ashton’s wrists and forcing them down on the bed at Ashton’s sides.

But Ashton only smirked, teasingly moving his hips so that his cock slipped between Calum’s cheeks, it slid perfectly with all the lube still there punching a moan out of him. “You sure you’d want that?” Ashton nodded to Calum’s navel, where his own cock betrayed him and gave a kick at Ashton’s words. Maybe his body wasn’t as asleep as Calum thought.

“Don’t put the idea on my head.” Calum hissed, glancing to the door and back to the older.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ashton said with a straight face.

But his eyes said an entirely different thing, with how they were staring down at Calum’s cock. Then he actually bit his lip, eyes locking back with Calum’s as he moved his hips again. It made Calum let out an involuntary moan when the head of Ashton’s dick caught on his rim. Ashton snickered, but as soon as Calum tightened his hold on his wrists he fell silent again.

“You’re playing with fire.”

“No, I’m playing with your ass.” Ashton smirked at him.

They stared at each other for a few seconds before they both broke out laughing, Calum letting go of his wrists and falling forward. He couldn’t stop the giggles coming out of his mouth, didn’t care if Ashton’s family actually heard them laughing their asses off. He just hoped they didn’t assume anything.

“Sorry, sorry.” He mumbled against Ashton’s shoulder in between giggles, pushing himself up a bit and wiping off the corner of his eye where some tears had gathered. Ashton kept giggling, his hands back to Calum’s hips now that they were free.

“So?” Ashton asked when they both stopped giggling, wiggling his eyebrows in the least sexy move Calum had ever seen coming from either of them – and that was saying something, there had been some truly horrible pickup lines. From both of them–. It just made him snort.

“You really think you’ll get me going with that face?”

“Please.” Ashton snorted right back. “You’re already _going_ , Cal.” He added, looking pointedly at the way his cock was actually beginning to get hard again. The wonders of not having sex daily in the last couple of weeks.

“Should we, though?” Calum asked, worrying his lip. His eyes flickered to the door for a beat, locking back with Ashton’s and seeing the understanding there.

Ashton waited a couple of beats before, “Do you want to?”

His thumb stroking softly over Calum’s thigh. Calum’s eyes were drawn to the movement as he nodded. “ _Yeah_.”

“We should move to the floor, though. My bed’s too squeaky.” Ashton laughed, biting his lip. “And you should ride me.”

“Why, cause you’d fuck me to tomorrow if we were to do it any other way?” Calum snickered, moving again over Ashton’s cock with an evil smirk.

“Honestly? Yes. And you’re fucking loud when I do that.” Ashton answered, looking at Calum with a smirk. “You know I love that in any situation, but…”

“Need to be quiet, yeah. I get it.” Calum snorted, leaning for a peck.

“Up. Floor.” Ashton said –more like _ordered–_ when he pulled away, patting Calum’s thighs _._ His tone made Calum hurry to get up and out of bed, excitement building inside him at a rate that was almost ridiculous. “On your back, first. I think.”

“Didn’t you just–” One look from Ashton and he was shutting up, carrying out his new wish.

Once he was lying on the floor, Ashton kneeled beside him, leaning down to kiss him and cupping his face. Calum instantly deepened the kiss, giving a light bite to the older’s lower lip before sliding his tongue past the teeth. Ashton moaned, and Calum tried to grab his cock to give him a few strokes, but Ashton’s hand stopped him.

“If you do that, I’ll cum.” He said breathlessly, and Calum moaned at the thought of it. He fixed his hand on the older’s hip, instead.

From then on, it was Ashton’s hand sliding back down to stroke him a couple times, then curling two fingers into him without warning, Calum sucking in a breath and trying not to moan like he was used to. The older did a quick job of finishing opening him up, and soon enough he was rolling on his back, motioning for Calum to climb up.

Calum crawled to him, straddling his hips and holding himself over Ashton’s cock, anticipation making his every muscle shake. Ashton was biting his lip, his own chest going up and down, eyes roaming over Calum’s body making him feel hot. Calum was aware of how he looked, of course he was. He never spared the notion much time, though. But when Ashton looked at him like that, he felt _vain_. He felt turned on having the older’s eyes on him, watching carefully how Ashton licked his lips while watching him. The man was capable of making Calum feel so at home in his own skin, loving everything about himself.

“Come on, babe.” Ashton urged him.

And really, who was Calum to waste any more time?

With Ashton’s help, he sat down slowly, taking him inch by inch as his stomach quivered as Ashton traced some soft patterns over it, trying to distract him of the initial discomfort. When he bottomed out, Calum let his hands rest on Ashton’s shoulders, leaning forward for a kiss that was more about sharing oxygen than their lips actually meeting.

He rolled his hips experimentally, getting re accustomed with having Ashton inside him. Shivers spread through his body as the older brushed over his prostate, and Calum buried his face in Ashton’s neck to try to stifle his moans at least a little. He had a feeling he wouldn’t last long, even after having cum already not even fifteen minutes prior.

“You’re so fucking hot.” Ashton’s hot breath hit his ears, and he groaned, actually biting down on Ashton’s neck as he started up a rhythm that Ashton quickly followed. “Feel so good around me.” He mumbled again, his nails trailing down Calum’s back until they reached his ass, grabbing his cheeks and helping Calum move. It did nothing but make Calum whimper in his neck, Ashton shushing him. But he too was grunting softly every time moved, like they both had forgotten exactly where they were and how they should have been keeping it down.

“Not going to last long, Cal.” Ashton whimpered near his ear, one of his hands moving from Calum’s ass to his dick, taking it and beginning to stroke it at the same rhythm Calum was moving his hips.

“Me neither.” Calum confessed, breathless. “I fucking missed you inside of me.”

“Ditto.”

Calum stopped for a moment, breaking into giggles before picking back up his pace, coming out of Ashton’s neck and shaking his head at him. “You can’t just say _‘Ditto’_ while we’re fucking, Ash. That’s just gonnae make me laugh.”

“But it feels good as fuck when you laugh.” Ashton giggled too, breathless, stroking him a bit more roughly. “I can _feel_ it.”

It only made Calum laugh harder. He didn’t know if it was the situation, Ashton’s grin underneath him, how fucking good he felt, or the fact that Ashton had told him laughing felt _good_ for him, but Calum was so fucking close he could almost taste it.

“Ash. Baby.” He panted, the older instantly nodding and taking charge of the situation, his hips thrusting up quicker and quicker, Calum falling back down again and nosing at his cheek until the older complied, kissing him.

In the end, Ashton came first, moaning into Calum’s mouth and one hand clutching his hip so hard Calum was sure it would stay red. Calum was about to start fucking up into the older’s fist when Ashton practically growled at him, making it impossible for him to move. And Calum got why. Ashton’s cock, still pulsating inside him, was pressed tight into his prostate, and that alone would get him there quicker than anything else. So he just let Ashton do his thing, whining into his mouth when the older quickened the pace he was jerking him off at.

“Going to cum, babe?” Ashton asked against his lips as soon as Calum started fidgeting. He nodded, letting out a whimper at the look in Ashton’s eyes. “Come on. Let go.”

And Calum did, this time fucking up into his fist as soon as it hit him, warmth spreading all through him, Ashton still stroking him during the aftershocks.

“ _Fuck_.” He breathed out, letting out a breathless giggle.

Ashton started giggling too, his eyes alight with _something_ that made Calum raise his hands and grab his face, crashing their mouths together. Ashton was swiping his tongue all over Calum’s mouth, then breaking out to let giggles fall through before he starting back up all over again.

“So, better than your first time in this room?” Calum joked when they finally separated long enough for him to recover his normal breathing. He didn’t even flinch when he felt Ashton swapping his ass. He did, however, sit up, Ashton quickly following him. Surprisingly, he was still inside Calum.

“Shut up.” Ashton groaned. Then, “That’s a dumb question. Of course the answer’s yes. We’re really more experienced than a couple of 16-year-olds.”

“True.” Calum snorted, leaning for another kiss. This time slow and sweet. “Plus, we really _know_ each other.”

“We do. Makes it a hundred times more fun.” Ashton winked at him, and Calum just shook his head, another laugh escaping past his lips.

It occurred to him that Ashton should probably be getting out of him, that they should be cleaning themselves up before any cum fell to Ashton’s floor. But he couldn’t get himself to move, get up from Ashton’s front. Felt so sated, so relaxed, so fucking happy.

“Thank you, Ash.” _For taking me out of my head._ He left unsaid. But Calum knew he would get it. He always did.

“Fucked you good, ey?” The older asked with another wink, but the smile that followed was soft, quite a contrast with his words.

Calum nodded, suddenly feeling emotion closing up his throat. He slid his hands to Ashton’s back and hugged him closer, tight. Wasn’t entirely too surprised that he could feel how Ashton’s heart was still beating fast. The older squeezed him then, nuzzling his neck. His hands were all over Calum’s back, light caresses making him shiver.

“Love you, Cal.” The older sighed, pressing a light kiss on Calum’s new tattoo and hooking his chin over his shoulder.

“Love you too.” Calum whispered quietly. He was caressing up and down over Ashton’s back. He stopped when he felt it peeling, opening his eyes suddenly and pulling away. “Is your back alright? Fuck, I didn’t think of that.” He let out in one breath, worried as fuck. The floor couldn’t have been comfortable with Ashton’s skin like it was.

“It’s fine.” Ashton chuckled. “I’m fine, babe.” He assured him, leaning for another peck.

“I’ll rub aloe over you, anyway.”

“Wouldn’t expect it any other way.” Ashton laughed softly, closing his eyes and resting their foreheads together. “I’m sleepy.”

“We need to clean ourselves.” Calum chuckled. “You need to take out your contacts, too.”

“I don’t want to move.”

“Me neither.”

* * *

“Are you up?” Calum whispered, not wanting to disturb Ashton if he was asleep already. It had been a while since they turned in.

“Yeah.” Ashton mumbled.

It was clear he was half-asleep, but he blinked his eyes a couple times until the green Calum loved so much was looking right into his own eyes.

“Talk to me.” Ashton whispered, a little smile on his face, encouraging. Like he knew exactly what Calum needed. His arm rubbing softly over Calum’s lower back was meant to be encouraging, too, but it was doing nothing if not making Calum feel even sleepier. He still pulled himself together, knowing he was able to talk his mind through with Ashton.

“I’m okay.” He said quietly. “About Birmingham. I’m okay.”

Ashton only blinked, silence still reigning in the dark room. Calum took a deep breath, closing his eyes for just a second before continuing.

“It felt… Well, I can’t imagine anyone would feel good after being rejected.” He let out a short laugh, but it wasn’t humourless. “But I wasn’t that excited about the lines of research there. So I’m okay.” He repeated for a third time, letting out a breath after it.

Ashton studied him quietly for a moment, his eyes clearly searching from something more behind Calum’s words. Like he wanted to make sure before he spoke his mind. Calum smiled, giving an almost imperceptible nod, and then saw how Ashton’s own lips turned upwards in a small smile.

“Completely their loss. They’re stupid shits.” Ashton eventually declared, pulling a small giggle from him. “I’m serious, it’s their loss not to have you on their team.” He repeated, shoving Calum gently as he kept giggling. His hand then reached to cup Calum’s jaw, thumb stroking gently over his cheek. “You’re going to do great things, Cal. I just know it.”

Calum felt himself blushing, a kind of shyness overwhelming him at Ashton’s words. He knew what he was capable of, his ego was pretty high in scientific matters, but he was also a realist. For as much as he loved his field and research, he knew his name wouldn’t be specifically remembered with time. He just wanted an opportunity to keep on studying that which he loved.

Ashton kept looking at him with this unwavering faith, like he knew better than Calum what he was capable of. Maybe he was just deluded by his feelings. That was probably it. Still, it made Calum feel capable of anything when Ashton’s eyes shined so bright, his smile so encouraging, and proud, and fond. He had to tear his eyes away, hiding himself back on Ashton’s neck.

He tried to calm his heart. Pressed a kiss on Ashton’s skin, breathed him in. The things the older could make him feel…

“You’ve got me almost believing in that.” Calum mumbled against him, voice muffled on Ashton’s neck.

The older slid his hand to the back of Calum’s neck, still gentle, letting out a short laugh. “Good.”

Calum smiled against his will, love spreading all through his chest. Ashton’s resolute confidence in him was sometimes overwhelming, and Calum at times felt like he was obligated to live up to the standard. But other times, it made everything seem possible. Presented everything Calum could ever want within reach, and all just because of a few selected words and Ashton’s presence next to him. He loved it went it went like that. When Ashton made him feel like his potential was unlimited.

He entertained the thought for a moment, dreaming of a future where he wouldn’t be so fucking scared about leaving for a few months, where he wasn’t scared of what may happen. Dreamt of a future in which he was leading his own research group. Maybe on black holes, maybe on pulsars. Who knew? That future seemed so open and full of possibilities. There was one thing that wasn’t open, though. A constant. _His_ constant. Ashton, standing next to him.

“Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Calum felt the older tense up for a moment before letting out a slow breath, his fingers carding through the hairs on Calum’s nape. It was quiet for a while. Calum felt relieved that he had dealt with this, but there was still the thing about Prague. Either another rejection letter or a confirmation one awaited him before the end of the year, and he was still unsure about how he felt about it.

He had been _so_ excited when he found out about the grant. Calum remembered the day clearly. How he had come barrelling into the flat, late September breeze carrying in some leaves and a few droplets of water. How Ashton had been cooking upstairs, a light stir-fry for dinner. How, in his haste, he had tripped on the stairs just when he was about to reach the landing, and Ashton had come running to him at his yelp. But Calum hadn’t been able to contain his smile even through the pain, gushing about the grant and the position and black holes and _Prague, Ash_. The day felt so fucking far away now.

The worst thing was, Calum didn’t really know what had changed. He just knew that now where there had been excitement, there also was fear. That where there had been looking forward to working on a foreign Institute, now there were doubts. It just made him feel iffy, and Calum couldn’t for the life of him know why. Just knew that it felt different.

As if Ashton had a direct plug into his brain, he asked, “Have you given any more thought to Prague?”

Calum turned in his arms, holding himself up on his elbows just so he could look Ashton in the eye properly.

“Yeah.” Calum nodded. “But I’m still… It just feels weird.” He admitted, glancing down.

“In which way?” Ashton asked, clearing out a loose curl from Calum’s face, his eyes curious.

“It feels like…” Calum trailed off, taking a deep breath and trying to find the words. “When I look at you, at us, I feel so sure that I’m living my life right. You’re the constant in any option, the constant through time. _My_ constant.” He started. Ashton was still looking at him curiously, but Calum detected a small blush blooming in his cheeks. “When I think about going to Prague, working on their research… I’m not sure. Something doesn’t add up. I can’t make sense of it. Can’t understand why.” He finished, delivering the last words slowly, almost like his brain was processing the feeling at the same time as he was putting a name to it.

Ashton nodded, and then he cupped his cheek again, smiling softly. “Should we go to sleep?”

Calum let go of a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. “Aye.” He nodded, biting his lip for a moment before he closed the space between them and claimed Ashton’s lips in a soft kiss. Just a press of their lips, their breaths mingling in the otherwise quiet of the night. “Love you, Ash.”

“Cuddle me.” The older requested, and Calum more than happily sunk into his arms, laying half on top of him, feeling Ashton sneaking his arms around him, hugging him close to him like he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving any space between them.

He drifted off to sleep listening to Ashton’s heartbeat beneath his ear, the sound of his rhythmic breathing the perfect lullaby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, that was kind of a filler mostly. But there's more to it under the surface, I promise. There were some hints here about what's to come ^^  
> And even if it is a filler, it contains one of my favourite things I've ever written, so idk hahahh  
> Tell me your thoughts on it! Hope everyone is well <3


	8. Gardenias

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for how long this has taken.

There was a knock on the door, Anne-Marie popping her head in hesitantly. “Otto’s here.”

“Thanks. Be down in a minute.” Ashton nodded, still buttoning up his shirt.

Calum nodded when Anne-Marie turned to him after watching Ashton trying and failing to put one of the buttons through its hole. “We’ll be there.”

“Okay.” She sounded unsure, her eyes staying on Ashton for a few more seconds before she turned away, closing the door again.

Ashton was making faces, breathing loudly through his nose every time the button wouldn’t go in.

“I can’t get this stupid shit to–”

“Let me.” Calum said softly, coming closer and taking Ashton’s hands in his, pressing a light kiss to his fingers before he tried to button the rest of the shirt himself. It was admittedly difficult, but he worked quicker than Ashton. Perhaps because his hands weren’t shaking as much as the older’s.

“Thank you.” Ashton breathed when Calum finished the last one, letting his hands stay on his chest for a little longer.

“No worries.” He shrugged, the corner of his lips turning slightly upwards.

“Why am I nervous? I shouldn’t be nervous.” Ashton sighed, sitting down on the bed and looking up at him.

“You should feel however you _feel_ , Ash.” Calum answered him.

He kneeled in front of the older, his hands on Ashton’s knees. Ashton looked like he was trying to school his face, breathing slowly through his nose, exhaling through his mouth. Calum recognised the tactic. It was his own.

“You’re going to stay with me, right?” He let out in a tiny voice, biting his lip before looking into Calum’s eyes.

“Ash.”

“Please?”

Calum held in a breath for a moment before nodding.

“Okay.” Ashton smiled shakily at him, and Calum felt like he needed to make one thing clear. “But you also need time alone with Otto.” Ashton looked like he was about to say something that would probably make Calum’s resolve crumble, so he hurried to add, “You need time alone with someone who knew Bec. I can’t be that for you.”

A couple of seconds passed, silence reigning over them. And then Calum almost let out a small giggle at the way Ashton was staring at him with his mouth opening and closing like a fish. It must have shown on his face, though, because Ashton was groaning and rolling his eyes at him.

“Why are you always so…”

“Annoying?”

“Infuriatingly _together_ and _wise_.” Ashton finished under his breath.

Calum snorted quietly. “I’m definitely not _wise_.” He leant forward, placing a soft kiss to Ashton’s knee. “Just know you, Ash.”

When he looked up, Ashton’s gaze had softened.

“May be.”

Calum chuckled, patting the older’s knees again before getting up.

“Come on.” He offered Ashton his hand, pulling him up and giving him a quick hug. “It’s going to be okay, baby.”

“I know.” Ashton nodded.

* * *

The ride to the cemetery wasn’t a long one, but Otto insisted they take his car there just so they could go for a bite afterwards. Calum sat in the back next to Ashton, who hadn’t let go of his hand since they left his room. Lauren was sitting up front, but she was quieter than normal too. Weird thing was, Otto was the one who was keeping up most of the conversation, asking Calum how he was enjoying Australia and smiling at him through the rearview mirror.

The morning had been kind of slow. Ashton woke up with the first light, and Calum forced himself to wake up as well. For him. Calum had gone down to prepare breakfast for them both, had run into Lauren coming back from a run in the kitchen. She didn’t ask, but her eyes had spoken for her. Anne-Marie had looked concerned too, when Calum ran into her coming out of Ashton’s room when he had come up with the tray.

But Ashton had been mostly fine, up until Otto called after lunch to let them know he was on his way from his parent’s. That had been when the older’s hands had started shaking and his breath had quickened, sounding all alarms in Calum’s head. The older had insisted he was fine at first, but it had been clear that the thought of visiting Bec’s grave had triggered something in him.

Now he was clutching Calum’s hand, his breath coming out in a _very_ constant rhythm, which meant he was totally trying to control it. His eyes were calm, though, when they crossed with Calum’s. Ashton even sent him a small smile. It made Calum’s worry subside a little.

When Otto brought the car to a stop, Ashton got suddenly tense for a second before his entire body relaxed into the car seat. Calum squeezed his hand minutely, letting go to take off the seatbelt.

Once they got out of the car Otto nodded towards their left, “It’s this way.” He said with a smile.

He looked chirpier than what Calum could have ever imagined possible. When he thought about how close all three of them had been… Calum couldn’t imagine what Otto must have gone through.

For some reason Calum had tried not to think too deep about the fact that it had been his sister that Otto lost. Had tried not to imagine what it would have felt like losing Mali-Koa. After what had happened with his Nan, Calum doubted he would have handled losing anyone else –let alone Mali-Koa– well.

It showed an incredible strength of character from Otto. And Calum was amazed as they walked through rows of headstones towards a small garden, Otto and Lauren laughing quietly in remembrance of some anecdote concerning Bec. Ashtonw smiling too, letting out a chuckle here or there, seemingly calm. But the tension in his hand where he was clutching a bouquet of white gardenias, was telling Calum otherwise. There wasn’t much he could do, though, besides _being_ there for him. So Calum just concentrated on that.

He almost hadn’t given in when Ashton had asked him to accompany him to the cemetery. While Calum knew why Ashton had asked, he still felt like he was slightly out of place there. Ashton did need some kind of moral support to do this –had in fact avoided coming here since he arrived in Australia, putting up excuses that it wasn’t _the right time_ every time Calum brought it up–, but Calum thought Otto and Lauren would have probably been enough. Being there with the three of them… No matter how open Ashton had been with him, Calum still felt like he was intruding on something he shouldn’t be.

Instead of getting more tense as Otto slowed down his steps, Ashton relaxed next to him, breathing out a sigh that Calum would have missed if he hadn’t been as focused on the older. He squeezed Ashton’s hand, raising to press a kiss on his knuckles. Ashton smiled at him, gave him a little nod, and Calum let go of his hand, smiling back softly and staying put.

He followed him with his eyes as Ashton caught up with Otto and Lauren, already crouching up next to Bec’s plaque. The other man was busy rearranging the flowers that were already there in a small vase, muttering something under his breath as he finished. Ashton chuckled, and Lauren glanced up to him, frowning for a moment before she looked around. Her eyes set on Calum, who smiled kindly to her before taking out his phone.

Calum busied himself going over the last minute personal essay he had been asked to send for the Prague research board. He hadn’t submitted it yet. Deadline was at midnight in Central Europe, and Ashton had encouraged him to finish it before lunch, helping him out and shooting up suggestions when Calum read parts of it aloud to him. He knew Ashton was probably only focussing on that to stop himself from feeling sad, but Calum thanked the opportunity. Actually, Ashton worked over his problems similarly to him, so Calum understood why a distraction would work. And this way, it helped both of them.

He had caught Ashton staring at some pictures of Bec a few times during the morning, the older stopping mid-sentence or never finishing out a thought. Calum just let him be, not even being capable of imagining what Ashton must have had going through in his mind. He was so much better than a year ago, but… On a day like today, Calum had been seeing the pain in his eyes more prominent than any other day.

He decided to focus back on his phone, scrolling through the doc aimlessly, eyes not really focusing. He had written two versions of the letter. One where he went on about how much the opportunity meant to him and how excited he would be to be a part of their research team. The other one… Ashton said it was his favourite. Calum thought it would be kind of risky. Because he had put to words exactly how he was feeling: indecisive and scared.

It was true that _that_ letter would definitely stand up between the rest of the people who had been asked to write for the final round, but he didn’t know that it would be a good thing. Reading about this one guy who wasn’t sure what he wanted, who was actually scared of leaving home for six months… Not a great picture. Ashton had said he liked it exactly _because_ of that, but Calum wasn’t confident it would help him get the spot. Specially when he stated literally that he wasn’t sure if he wanted it.

Thing was, Ashton believed it was the better choice. And Calum trusted him more than he trusted himself currently, so he decided to go with the older’s gut. He pulled up the already drafted email from that morning and attached the second version, pressing send without giving himself time to second guess the choice. Whatever may come from it, Calum would have to accept. He was, after all, still very unsure about the whole going to Prague thing.

Birmingham’s decision hadn’t exactly come out of left field for him. Not with them stating in the offer that having a PhD would be favorable. And even if the Institute in Prague hadn’t stated it, Calum knew he would fall behind the candidates who did have a PhD. It was just the world of academia and research. He sometimes wondered if that was the route he should’ve taken. But then he remembered he didn’t have the means to pay for three more years of studying, and any and all alternative scenarios running through his head were squashed into nothing.

Giggling coming from the group’s direction interrupted his thoughts, though, making Calum block his phone and quickly pocket it. When he looked up, Lauren was covering her face as she tried to stifle her laugh, Ashton was giggling carefree, sat on the gravel path near Bec’s plaque, Otto talking animatedly with his hands. It was a nice scene, given the circumstances, and Calum smiled to himself.

They looked like they were surprisingly having a nice time. And even when the silences between their laughter were charged with melancholy, their smiles and their soft looks towards Bec’s name made Calum feel like they were _okay_. As okay as they could be, at least.

It didn’t take too long for Ashton to beckon him over once their eyes crossed, and even though Calum still felt mighty weird being here with them, he gave in. Ashton’s smile was too much for him to resist for long. 

“Sit with me.” Ashton requested, stretching his hand for Calum to take and almost pulling too hard, making Calum trip and fall to his knees, his free hand clutching Ashton’s thigh to stop himself from falling further. He grimaced, knowing full well he had to had scraped his knees with the gravel.

“Dude, be careful.” Otto snorted.

“Sorry, babe.” Ashton immediately said, biting his lip in worry. Calum shook his head with a smile. It wasn’t even bleeding.

“You okay?” Lauren asked, glancing down to Calum’s knees.

“Yeah.” Calum nodded, a bit taken aback at her worry. “Used to it.” He admitted under his breath with a little self-deprecating laugh.

“Used to Ashton pulling on you that hard or to falling to your knees in front of him?” Otto stared at him with one eyebrow raised and a smirk.

“ _Otto_.” Both Ashton and Lauren groaned, making the blonde laugh.

“Okay, that was a bit too far.” He winced, sending Calum an apologetic smile.

In truth, having Lauren not being there, Calum would have probably answered _‘Both’_ very readily, but he didn’t think he would be getting any points with her that way. She surprised him, though.

“I reckon Bec would have said the exact same thing if she was here.”

Silence hung over them for a few seconds before both Otto and Ashton snorted.

“Probably.”

“She had a dirty mind, yeah.” Ashton nodded.

Calum looked between the three of them, smiling tentatively before he finally sat down properly, cross-legged and with his left thigh touching Ashton’s. Ashton worried his lip looking at Calum’s indeed scraped, but Calum shrugged, chuckling quietly and muttering _looks worse than it hurts_. It just burnt a little, nothing Calum couldn’t really handle. Specially not with his past record of falls.

His eyes wandered over to the plaque, reading over Bec’s name –her name was actually Bec, and not short for Rebecca, Calum noticed–, but what struck him like a blow to the chest was staring at the dates beneath it, the _1995 - 2017_ making him hold his breath for a moment. He had known Bec died when she was 22, but seeing it so clearly engraved on the metal hurt in a different way.

Calum tightened his hold on Ashton’s. The older squeezed right back, sending him a small smile. The sadness was there, but as Calum had noticed the last time they were with Otto, it was… _different_.

“This place is… It’s nice.” Ashton said quietly, Lauren and Otto’s eyes snapping to him.

“Yeah, mum and dad preferred the garden.” Otto nodded. “Prettier.”

Ashton nodded, his eyes falling to the flowers he had brought next to the ones Calum supposed had been left by Otto’s parents. Lauren had helped him choose them that morning while Calum was taking a shower. He had come out of it to find a several pictures of flowers from Ashton, asking for opinions. Calum didn’t know much about the symbolism of flowers either, but he had agreed the gardenias looked beautiful. Ashton had sneaked in a small blue carnation in between them, and that alone had made Calum smile sadly.

The place was quiet, small garden with magnolias blooming around them –the ones that hadn’t dried up with the heatwaves–. It actually _smelled_ nice, which was a welcomed relief from the faint smell of smoke that was still permeating the air through the town. And it was less gloomy than the cemeteries back home, Calum had to admit. Less… sombre. Perhaps it was the weather.

“You guys up for a trip to Manly after?” Otto asked them after a couple of minutes.  
Calum turned to look at Ashton, who smiled to himself softly, nodding. “Yeah. That’s… yeah.”

Otto smiled at him like he was silently thanking him for something, and Calum wondered what it was. They had been on Manly beach just days before, and Ashton didn’t mention anything. He guessed he would find out what it was about, eventually.

His eyes crossed with Lauren’s for a moment, the younger girl smiling wistfully at him. She was sitting with her knees drawn up, her arms hugging them. Ashton had said she was close with Bec. There were so many people affected by her death around Ashton, and Calum felt again a bit out of place. Because yeah, he and Ashton understood each other, but as he had told the older before he left, Ashton needed time with someone who knew her. And Calum could never be that.

He also understood Lauren’s hesitance with him now. Even her words about Ashton only coming back for a visit. Ashton needed time with people who knew Bec in order to heal, but when he left two years ago, it hadn’t been just him that was mourning Bec. Calum could easily see now that for Lauren it had also been hard. She hadn’t just lost Bec. She lost Ashton too, in the course of a few weeks.

For Lauren, he and Ashton moving in together back in Cambridge must have been a clear sign that Ashton wasn’t coming back to Sydney. From her perspective and from any of Ashton’s friends and family back here, the most obvious reason for that would be their relationship. The thought made a weird weight sit down on Calum’s chest.

He and Ashton hadn’t actually ever talked about it, not _really_ , and Calum was slightly hesitant to even bring it up. Because Kilbirnie, Durham and Cambridge were all he knew. For fuck’s sake, first time Calum had ever taken a plane on his own had been not even a month ago. Calum was fucking afraid of six months in Prague, deciding on a permanent place to live…

Then again, if he was with Ashton, the hypothetical situation was different by default. Not so scary. When Calum imagined his future with Ashton, it had never been tethered to a place, it had always been just _them_ , together. It still was.

Having Ashton leave Sydney behind for good… yeah. Calum couldn’t have that on his conscience. Not without talking about it. And he recognised they should have had that talk months ago, when things got serious –although, to be honest, things had been serious between them from the start–. It was just that _now_ the notion of Ashton having a whole other life back here was catching up to Calum.

He had known, before. Of course he had. Had never dismissed it or downplayed it. But now Calum was seeing it, _experiencing_ it. Talking about their future and _where_ it would take place wasn’t a conversation Calum could brush off anymore.

Ashton had left his home for the UK in a hurry after Bec’s death, but that didn’t mean he had meant for Cambridge to become his forever home. Calum owed it to him to at least breach the topic, even knowing that if he were to ask, Ashton would just say Sydney didn’t feel like home to him anymore. But… Calum had to. They needed to talk about it.

It would have to be on another day, though.

Calum tried to focus back on the present, leaving his worries for a proper time where he could talk to Ashton. He and Otto were talking quietly to his left, but Lauren was still in the same position, and she was still facing Calum. Her eyes looked vacant, though.

“Hey.” He voiced before he even knew he was doing it.

“Hey.” Lauren answered, snapping out of it and raising her right hand to rub at her eyes. Calum hadn’t even noticed the tears.

He didn’t know what to do, so he acted instinctively, reaching for her forearm around her knees and squeezing softly.

“I’m okay.” Lauren said, sniffling and blinking a couple times, meeting back his eyes.

“Okay.” He nodded.

Noticed she hadn’t made a move to take his hand off, in fact, she glanced down and up again, a slight smile tugging at her lips.

“Does it hurt?” She asked, sniffling again, but trying to look like she was already over whatever memory that had trapped her.

“What?” Calum frowned.

“Knees.” She looked pointedly to where Calum’s had indeed scraped his skin. His right knee had a trickle of blood sliding from it, and Calum brushed it off before Ashton could see it and make a fuss.

“Not really.” He shrugged. “I wasn’t lying when I said I’m used to it. Your brother and I literally met because I tripped and fell down onto the floor.” Calum chuckled, reminiscent of that and all the other times Ashton had rushed to his side whenever he heard him letting out something as small as a hiss.

“Wait, what?” Lauren asked, a slight interest in her tone.

“He never told you how we met?” Calum asked, incredulous. He remembered picking up the phone to ramble about Ashton to Mali right after he finished his shift, his sister laughing her arse off at his expense. Lauren shook her head, though.

Calum glanced to his left, but Ashton looked engrossed in his conversation with Otto, going on about Luke and a case they had at the ED. He bit his lip, caught up in Ashton’s smile for a moment before he remembered Lauren was probably expecting him to elaborate.

“I was, um. I had a sprain on my ankle, had fallen down a hill a couple of days before.” Calum chuckled, a bit embarrassed still at the story. But he had Lauren’s full attention, so he continued. “I was carrying the store’s Christmas decorations, and I tripped, put too much weight on the bad ankle and crashed down onto the floor like a loser.” He recounted, looking down to his knees. “Um, cue your brother sliding in at the edge of the hall with a genuinely concerned look on his face, in his scrubs, eye bags reaching the floor.” Calum let out a chuckle, sighing right after. “He was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.”

“Sap.” Lauren teased, but she was smiling. “I thought you two had met at that restaurant. Ashton told us about that bit.”

“Yeah, no. That was–,” Calum stopped for a moment, frowning as he tried to get the numbers right,”–21 days after we first met, 19 days after I saw him again at the bonfire.”

“Okay, that’s… scarily accurate.” Lauren laughed. “Why did it take you so long to ask him out?” She frowned.

“I didn’t, Ashton did. At the restaurant.” Calum chuckled. “I was fucking trembling the entire time when we first met, and I couldn’t find the guts to talk to him when I saw him at a bonfire a couple of days later.” He felt himself blushing, remembering how awfully annoying he had been. Michael had been right last year, Calum had been a pain in the arse in the weeks it took for him to run into Ashton again. “Your brother was just… Um, I don’t know. I felt drawn to him, but he was… He looked way out of my league. Just cool, you know? And I was just-” Calum stopped himself, meeting back Lauren’s eyes and smiling a bit before he finished his sentence, “I was just a _nerd_.”

She snorted, covering her mouth with her hand as she laughed. It was a gesture so _Ashton_ that Calum stared at her for the couple of seconds it took his brain to process that she was indeed laughing at what he had said.

“Oi.”

She laughed a bit more, holding up a finger as if asking for a moment to get her breath back. “It’s just–” She said between giggles. “You said my brother looked _cool,_ and you were a nerd and. Have you even met him?” She snickered. “He's the nerd, and not like. Like being nerd is kinda cool right now, but Ashton doesn’t fit in _that_ particular definition of it. He’s… He _literally_ wrote an essay on the _anatomy_ of Timelords. He has an entire collection of Doctor Who and Supernatural memorabilia.”

“I know that _now_. One of the reasons why I love him, too. He’s cute when he gets all excited talking about some fandom theory.” Calum smiled to himself. “It also makes it easier to buy him gifts.” Calum pointed out. “But I meant it like, he looked _hot_ , and he was clearly kind, rushing to help a stranger like that.”

Lauren shook her head, “Hero complex. Still a nerd thing.” She snorted, and it brought out a chuckle from Calum too.

Her laughter was contagious. But Calum needed to get his point across. “Lauren, I met him because I had a sprain from literally falling down a hill carrying a big ass telescope trying to take a picture of Pluto. How does that _not_ make me the bigger nerd?”

“Can’t believe you’re actually fighting for a nerd label, but I admit you got a point there.” She gave in, but she was still chuckling.

It made Calum break out into laughter too, seemingly a bit too loud, because the next thing he knew, Calum felt Ashton’s hand on his knee, thumb rubbing over it softly.

“What’s so funny?” The older asked, curiously glancing from him to Lauren.

“Nothing, we’re discussing the intricacies of the meanings of the word _nerd_.”

Ashton seemed to have been caught off guard, but he still let out a small chuckle. “Okay.”

“Tell you later.” Calum whispered near his ear, pressing a fleeting kiss to his cheek. Ashton smiled at him in a way that let Calum know he would have to spill it all afterwards, promise or not. So he just giggled.

“Okay, I’m going to go get the AC running on the car so we don’t die.” Otto smiled at them, his eyes falling for a moment to the plaque, fingers caressing over the engraving before he got up.

“Going with you.” Lauren piped up, scrapping to her knees and then getting up. “Thank you.” She nodded to Calum, a smile taking over her features before she left trailing after Otto.

“And then there were two.” Ashton sighed, running his fingers through the grass near Bec’s plaque.

“I can go, Ash. Give you time.” Calum whispered, finding Ashton’s hand again and squeezing it softly.

“No, it’s–.” Ashton said, eyes trailed on the ground. A slight smile pulled at his lips for a moment before he continued, “It’s fine like this. I’m fine. It… feels okay, I think.”

Calum leant forward to press another kiss to his cheek, Ashton’s free hand coming up to hold his face, keeping Calum close. It made him smile slightly.

“I would have loved for you two to meet.” Ashton whispered as if it was a secret. Calum felt his heart skip a beat at the words, but it stilled quickly when he realised that if he and Bec _had_ been able to meet, Ashton wouldn’t have been with him. Calum’s life would look a lot different. “I think Bec would have approved of you.”

“Approved of me?” Calum asked, estranged.

“Yeah, given us her blessing.” Ashton chuckled, nodding.

Calum didn’t really know how to answer that, so he didn’t. Just rested his chin on Ashton’s shoulder, breathing him in.

“I know words mean next to nothing, but I’m still sorry that you had to lose her.” Calum said quietly after a few moments.

“I know.” The corner of Ashton’s lips pulled tight, but it wasn’t far from a smile. Even if sad. “Thank you.”

Calum only answering by leaving a light kiss on his shoulder, leaning on it again.

Ashton seemed much calmer now than he had no more than an hour ago. Like being here was bringing him some kind of peace. Calum wondered how that could be, envied him for just a moment. When he visited his grandmother, he didn’t feel _calm_. It only woke up a dark twist of feelings inside of him that Calum didn’t know how to manage properly. For Ashton, though, it seemed like coming here had been the final piece in the process of moving on.

Was that how acceptance looked like?

“We should go meet Otto. It’s a bit more than an hour to Manly.” Ashton said after a while.

“What’s on Manly?” Calum asked, biting his tongue when he saw a flash of _something_ behind Ashton’s eyes. Especially when he had been looking so calm.

“Bec always loved the ocean.” Ashton said, a soft smile pulling at his lips. “Back at the start of uni, we used to go to this beach anytime we needed to get away. That little cove we could see from Manly the other day?” Ashton turned to look at him. Calum nodded, remembering it. “That’s the place. It’s quieter, and there’s this path near it that walks along the cliffs.” The older explained, the smile growing. “It’s beautiful, you’ll see.” He assured Calum, squeezing his hand, eyes shiny. And then he sighed. “They spread part of her ashes over a lookout there.” Ashton whispered with sad smile.

Calum rubbed over Ashton’s thigh almost subconsciously. “Sounds beautiful.”

“It was.” Ashton nodded, pursing his lips. “You know, it didn’t even cross my mind last week when we were there.” Ashton breathed, turning to face him. “What does that say about me, Cal?” He asked with a weirdly small voice.

Calum stared at him, swallowing slowly before he tried to answer, but his mouth had dried out. “It doesn’t mean anything, Ashton.” He forced out.

“But it’s weird, right?” Ashton pressed. “That I didn’t think of it?”

“I don’t know.” Calum admitted, biting his lip. He hesitated, but finally asked, “You sure you want me to go with you? I can stay here; you can be alone with Otto.”

Ashton held his gaze for a few more seconds before he whispered, “I need you.”

Calum glanced down, nodding, before he looked back into his eyes. “Okay.”

Ashton blinked a couple of times, and Calum noticed the shine in his eyes reflecting the afternoon sun. He didn’t think twice before drawing him in a hug, kissing his temple, and just… Just be there for him.

“Better get moving.” Ashton mumbled after a few minutes have passed.

Calum pulled back to press a kiss on his cheek, sighing into Ashton’s skin when he felt the older melt into it for a moment before he pulled away.

“We can stay a bit longer, Ashton.” Calum whispered, meeting his eyes. But the older shook his head.

“They’re waiting on us.” He nodded towards the other end of the cemetery where Otto had parked. “And I’m alright. We still have the beach, I can…”

Calum studied his eyes, but then Ashton nodded again, squeezing his hand.

“Thanks for coming with me. I… I can’t thank you enough.” Ashton mumbled, resting his forehead against Calum’s collarbone. “And thank you for making Lauren laugh.”

Calum let out a surprised chuckle at that. “Can’t believe you didn’t tell her about how we met.” He shook his head, rolling his eyes at the older.

“It makes me look like a foot fetishist, of course I didn’t.” Ashton snorted.

“It makes you look like _what_?”

* * *

In the end Lauren opted out of the trip to Manly, so Otto drove them back to Ashton’s house to drop her off before they set course to the northern beaches. Well, after Ashton fussed over Calum’s scrapped knees and tended to them. So now Calum had gauze in both of them, looking like a total kid. But the soft look on Ashton’s face as he had helped him to his feet was enough for Calum to forget about any potential future embarrassment.

When they got to the car again, Calum insisted Ashton should sit up front. He didn’t mind being in the backseat. He had the chance to take in the buildings and architecture once they moved onto the proper city. It seemed like the faintness from the brushfires’ smoke had cleared for the day, leaving a blue so intense Calum could do nothing but stare out the window, take it in. Everything looked so different from _home_.

It felt slightly weird, and he wondered if that was how Ashton felt all the time, back in Cambridge. Like a foreigner. Calum supposed after two years, maybe the feeling had faded for him.

Ashton was laughing at some story or other Otto was trying to tell in between his own bursts of laughter. He looked good. Calum could never know, not _really_. But right now, he would bet the older wasn’t feeling as he had that morning. So nervous. So… lost in the memories, and not exactly the pleasant ones. Calum watched on now, his eyes catching Ashton’s in the rearview mirror a couple of times, feeling his lips turning up at the light in them.

Bec’s name came up a few times in their stories –couldn’t have been any other way–. But Calum was getting more of a nostalgic feeling from their voices than actual hurt. Ashton was giggling, cheeks filled with colour. He kept trying to jump in on the stories Otto was telling Calum about their school and uni days. Most of them involved some kind of embarrassing incident for Ashton –thus him struggling to talk over Otto to keep the damage to a minimum–. Truth was, Calum had already heard most of them and knew Ashton’s side of the stories by heart. He just saw this as an opportunity to get _Otto’s_ version of the facts.

“Wait, so did he or did he not wet his pants?” Calum suddenly cut Otto, jumping back into the conversation happening in the front of the car, blowing a kiss to Ashton the second he offendedly turned around to glare at him.

“He _technically_ did.”

“Otto, shut the fuck up.”

“What does _technically_ entail?” Calum pressed, unable to stop a slight chuckle from coming out of his mouth.

Both men exchanged a look, Otto finally shrugging as he turned his eyes back to the road.

“You can’t leave me hanging like this, mate.” Calum complained. “Come on, finish the story.”

“Otto, don’t you _dare_.” Ashton said. But it was clear for all of them that he wasn’t actually serious.

“Let’s just say Ashton had a nasty case of diarrhoea.”

“This is so embarrassing.” Ashton grimaced, sinking into his seat as Calum giggled, leaning forward and pecking his shoulder, leaving his hand there after as a silent gesture.

“I’ve heard worse. Hell, I’ve _lived_ worse.” Calum snorted. “What about the time he puked in that amusement park?”

“Okay, enough of embarrassing me.” Ashton cut him, flicking Calum’s hand.

“But it’s _fun_.” Calum giggled.

Otto added, “Also, what else am I supposed to be here for if not for telling embarrassing stories about you to your boyfriend?”

Calum broke out laughing at that, his mind immediately thinking back to that first dinner they had Michael and Luke over. How they both got their fill on embarrassing him and Ashton. It seemed weird that he had had to wait a year to hear this kind of jabs from Otto. But it was better, being actually face to face for it. Seeing he and Ashton interacting like this. How Ashton was swatting at him practically every time Otto opened his mouth, how Otto was licking Ashton’s palm every time Ashton tried to put it over his mouth so he would shut up. They looked like children. _Carefree_ children.

It was… It was as if Calum was seeing his friendship with Michael in a mirror.

The thought made him frown for a moment. Calum had been away from Michael for four years and they still had found times to see each other every few weeks. Either him staying at Michael’s each reading week, or Michael coming up to Durham. Calum needed him close. And watching Ashton being like this with Otto, it brought up again that feeling about owing the older a conversation about their future. Because if Calum couldn’t imagine being away from Michael for longer than a few weeks, how could he ever ask Ashton to be away from his best friend? On top of being away from his _family_?

Yeah, Ashton obviously had Luke back home, and that alone would entail a whole other discussion, but Calum needed to at least give Ashton the outlet to talk about it. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t done it before. Should’ve offered Ashton to talk about this, and about what he wanted to do about long-term. Calum was back again, kicking himself for having been so wrapped up in their present, in their love, in _his_ own problems that he hadn’t even thought to ask.

When they arrived at Manly, it was still a good couple of hours before the sunset, so they decided to grab some food before heading out to the lookout. Calum loved Scotland, loved its landscape and its lakes and mountains –and actually the _weather_ , his mind supplied–. He loved everything about the place. It called _home_ to him. But walking along the path now bordering the coast, seeing the vastness of the ocean, the cliffs. This made something stir inside his chest too.

Whatever wildlife they could encounter, though, scared Calum shitless. A fact which had prompted a good laugh from Ashton when Calum grabbed his hand and confided his fears in a whisper. Instead of feeling offended, he found himself smiling, happy that he had gotten such a beautiful sound out of Ashton’s mouth on a day like today.

Otto was leading the way, for a moment growing quieter as they worked their way through the trail. Although, Calum suspected, physical exertion wasn’t the only thing quieting him and Ashton down. He could see it in both of them, sombreness taking over their faces. Could see it in the way they held themselves. Their shoulders were sunk, their eyes trained on the path, their mouths set in a thin line.

Calum knew that Ashton hadn’t been back here since they spread part of Bec’s ashes, but now he was beginning to suspect Otto hadn’t either. He wondered why.

Ashton’s fancy shirt was stuck to his back, sweat darkening it in a way that Calum shouldn’t have found sexy –least of all in the current situation– but still did. Calum himself wasn’t fairing much better under the sun. And it wasn’t that it was that long of a trail, because sooner than Calum expected, Otto was coming to a stop, the lookout just ahead. But the movement paired up with why they were there was sure making them sweat. And, of course, it was still hotter than Calum was used to.

They settled down near the cliffs, the sound of the waves crashing against them reminding Calum of Largs.

“It is gorgeous out here.” He breathed out, looking around. Ashton had sat down on a nearby rock, facing the ocean. Calum took a seat next to him without even thinking, Ashton gratefully squeezing his hand. “Can’t believe this is only like fifteen minutes away from a car park.”

Otto laughed, nodding. “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.” Then he nodded towards their left, “You can still see it, though, if you look that way.” And then he turned around, facing the open sea. “If you choose to face the ocean, it takes over everything else.”

Ashton nodded, his expression softer than Calum remembered it being all day. “A pocket of quietude.”

“Dude, I forgot Bec used to call it that.” Otto chuckled. “Ever the _poet_.”

Ashton laughed softly in response, his eyes lost in the sea.

“You used to come here often, then?” Calum asked before his mind had a chance to repress the thought. He had been meaning to ask Ashton since he told him about it back at the cemetery, and now it had just come out.

“Every other weekend during uni.” Ashton nodded, blinking a couple of times before he turned to face him. “The trail I told you about? It circles around Manly. I liked hiking, Bec liked staying here listening and staring into the ocean, sometimes drawing, and this weirdo liked…” He trailed off, frowning, then turning to Otto. “What _did_ you like?”

“Getting high.” Otto snorted. Calum laughed, shaking his head, and he even heard Ashton laughing too after mumbling something. “But nah, I came for the company.”

“Cheesy.” Ashton teased.

“And proud.” Otto beamed at him, not even phased by the teasing.

Calum couldn’t help but smile, catching the same sense of humour from Otto than he had heard countless of times coming from Ashton’s lips, making him stare at the older before breaking out into giggles, shaking his head. 

“Remember that time we camped out, and we were scared shitless when we heard something moving in the bushes?” Ashton suddenly asked, looking at Otto with a small smile.

“You screamed so loud before the tiniest bandicoot came out, looked at us frozen in fear, and then ran the hell back into the bush.” Otto laughed. “Oh, man. Bec ended up with tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.”

“She had one of those laughing fits, yeah.” Ashton nodded, giggling as well. “Man, her laughter was so contagious.”

Calum listened to their exchange, smiling from ear to ear upon Ashton being able to talk about Bec like this. It made Calum feel calmer, knowing he was getting better at talking. Proud, too.

“Oh, I have another good story from another one of those trips.” Otto said, almost like he had just remembered it. But when he turned to Calum, smirking, and Calum knew he must have been saving it. And apparently it was a _really_ good one, because Ashton almost knocked their dinner over by trying to swat Otto. And one that, clearly, Ashton hadn’t confided in Calum.

“Not _that_ one.” Ashton whined.

“Why? He’s listened through diarrhoea and social disasters and puke. He’s already in love with you. A bit of nudity won’t change his mind. Quite the contrary, I believe.” Otto snorted.

“ _Nudity_?”

“You don’t know that.” Ashton mumbled, his eyes flickering over to Calum for a moment before he went back to Otto.

“I _do_ know that.” Calum assured him, squeezing his knee. He turned back to the blonde and smirked as he said, “ _Nudity_ sounds like a good enough story. And I’m certainly interested. Spill.”

The smirk on Otto’s face could rival his own, and Ashton just sighed to Calum’s right, resigned to his destiny. “So, picture us three, middle of winter, taking the trail...”

* * *

As the afternoon went on, Calum noticed Ashton withdrawing into himself. His eyes were more reminiscent than sad, but he still was lost in his own mind. It was even more evident when they started packing up as soon as the first colours of the sunset showed up on the sky. Otto tried to keep up the light-hearted conversation, just as he had been all day, but even in him Calum could see the strain, could see the tiredness beginning to set in. His jokes taking a bit more time, not landing as well.

Somehow, Calum ended up falling behind, stopping to take a picture before the views were hidden by the foliage. By then, they had all fallen silent already.

He had been thinking about Mali on and off all day. Calum hadn’t talked to her nor called in a couple of days. Probably because he knew he wouldn’t be able to not tell her about Birmingham’s rejection letter, and he didn’t want to hear the disappointment in her voice. It wasn’t like he felt completely at ease with her yet, but the days in Dunedin had helped Calum feel closer to her again. And he knew if he called her, he would inevitably tell her. 

When he reached the car, Calum was surprised to see Otto alone, stashing their leftovers in the back seat. Ashton was nowhere to be seen.

“He’s by the shore.” Otto said, nodding towards the beach as he gave him a small smile. His, unlike Ashton’s, was sadder now. Like the day had finally caught up to him. Even his eyes had some unshed tears Calum hadn’t really seen just minutes before.

Calum felt weird for a moment, not knowing how to answer, but Otto was soon turning back to the car and closing the door like nothing had happened.

“There’s a spot we can hang out down there.” He said. And contrary to what Calum would have expected, his voice was strong.

“Lead the way.” Calum said and waited for him to start the walk.

They sat down at a bench near the sand, overlooking the beach. There were only a couple of families left, drying up toddlers and packing up things. A group of teenagers were setting up a barbecue. Otherwise, the place was quiet. Quieter, at least, than Calum remembered Manly being.

Ashton was standing alone, his feet buried in the sand with the movement of the waves. Otto had sat down next to Calum, but he hadn’t spoken since he locked the car, and Calum didn’t really want to break the silence. He didn’t know what he would say, anyway. _I’m sorry for your loss_ sounded performative and quite detached from the situation. And even when that was kind of how Calum felt, like an spectator, he couldn’t help but feel like he was missing something. Something he _should_ be talking to Otto about.

It was eluding him, though. And focusing his attention on Ashton seemed like an easier option, so Calum turned to face the beach.

Watching him on the shore, his shirt open and flailing in the wind, hands clasped together behind his back… Ashton looked somehow serene, like the weight he had been carrying since Calum met him had been lifted, his whole body breathing in deep for the first time in years.

Just a sliver of the sun was visible behind the buildings on the horizon, but the sky over the ocean was a mesh of colours that had Calum almost taking out his phone. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Ashton for long, though, always feeling the pull. Never could stay looking in another direction when Ashton commanded every space he was in, drawing everyone’s eyes on him without even knowing he did. The last sunrays were catching in his hair, making it appear like spun gold. The view brought tears to Calum’s eyes.

He could see the left side of Ashton’s face, the corner of his lips turning up just slightly. The older had his eyes closed, seemed to be lost in the moment. Calum felt once again like he was being privy to Ashton’s at his most open, most vulnerable, even if there were still the casual passers-by along the beach. The waves were coming and going, the sound of them creating a calm atmosphere that Calum was almost scared of breaking. Otto didn’t seem like he wanted to intrude, either. He had gotten up, looked as if he had intended to walk closer to Ashton only to think it over not even a couple of steps in. Now he stood with his hands on his pockets as he faced the open sea, too.

Calum was still in wonder of how Otto was holding up, but he guessed, unlike Ashton, Otto had probably faced Bec’s death dead on. Like a normal person. Still, Calum couldn’t fathom being this composed if it were him who had lost Mali. And by the tales he had been hearing all day, Bec and Otto had been even closer than he and Mali had been once upon a time.

Ashton had also been vocal about Otto helping him with Bec, wishing they would end up together. Calum knew Otto was happy that he and Ashton were together now, but he couldn’t help but think…

And suddenly, there it was again. The feeling that Calum shouldn’t be here with them. Ashton had insisted, but it was still...

“It’s weird that I’m here, isn’t it?” He pondered out loud. Otto seemed startled, turning back to look at him with a frown. “I’m sorry.” Calum added quietly.

But Otto shook his head, “No. I… I don’t think it’s weird.” He assured him. He hesitated for a second before he added, “But I’m not Ashton.”

Calum’s eyes flickered to Ashton on the shore. “I didn’t want to come.” He explained. “He, uh…”

“Ashton can be pretty stubborn. I know.” Otto nodded.

“Yeah.” Calum agreed with a slight chuckle.

He held the older’s gaze for a moment.

“I’m sorry, Otto. I truly am.” Calum sighed. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Thanks.” Otto appreciated, giving him a small nod before turning to watch Ashton. He breahted out a sighm, then walked back to the bench, taking a seat.

“Calum I…” Otto trailed off before he turned to look at him. “I know I’ve already told you before, but… I have to thank you.” Otto said. He was fidgeting with his hands, eyes flickering to Ashton. His words made Calum frown.

“For taking care of him.” Otto explained. “And for giving him the push to call me. He told me that was you, a while ago.”

_Oh._

“I thought he would never… That it would be too much for him.” Otto confessed. “I thought I lost him that day, as well.”

Calum shook his head. “I don’t know how much of it may have been self-preservation, but Ashton told me he hadn’t reached out because he didn’t want to open any wounds.” Calum recalled. “I told him that was stupid. He clearly missed you like crazy.” Calum frowned, remembering how Ashton had looked when he had asked about Otto. Conflicted, so sad.

“I… That sounds so fucking much like him, always stupidly putting others before himself.” Otto tsked, but he was smiling too, shaking his head fondly. “It was hard going through those months without him.” He sighed, turning back to look at Ashton as he tightened his hands together, like he needed to be doing something with them. Calum understood the urge. “I get why he had to leave, though.”

Calum looked away, swallowing past the knot that had grown in his throat, feeling his eyes fill with tears. When he remembered Ashton last year, Ashton after every nightmare… Calum understood it too. Wanting to put as much distance as possible between himself and the painful memories, between himself and anything that could trigger them.

It was… his mum had talked to him about it. A self-defence psychological mechanism. Same as burying the memories deep was. Both worked at first, but became a problem as time passed and the loss and feelings that came with it weren’t properly addressed. Calum knew it first hand. But Ashton had begun to address them, slowly. And by the way he was standing now, the relaxed pose of his shoulders, his breathing… Calum knew coming here was the last piece he needed to heal.

Bec had meant everything to him just two years ago, and that had been cut suddenly at the time of her death. And Ashton had tried escaping it by moving to another country, where he had ended up meeting…

It all clicked in that moment. Calum couldn’t believe it had taken him so long.

“It _is_ weird that I’m here.” Calum whispered. “I wouldn’t… If it didn’t happen–. I would have _never_ met Ashton.” He stared at the ground, the feeling sinking in. That was why he had been feeling out of place all day. Because Bec’s death was the event that had given him a chance at happiness. Calum would have never even met Ashton if she hadn’t passed away, and now… Now Calum couldn’t imagine a life without him. The tragedy of her death had lead him straight to Ashton.

“You can’t know that with certainty.” Otto cut through his thoughts, shaking his head. “That’s… Don’t go there, Calum.”

“But I _do_. I _do_ know it.” Calum insisted.

If Bec had never died, it would have been impossible for him and Ashton to meet, much less for Calum to _be_ with him. Calum owed her his entire life. Them being together, Ashton bringing him here, to Sydney? That was the very tangible consequence of Bec’s death.

“I don’t know.” Otto said after a couple of seconds. “I still think you two would have met, somehow. What you two have… Ashton’s lucky.”

Calum huffed a small laugh.

“What?”

“He’s not the lucky one.” Calum shook his head. Calum’s entire life would look vastly different now if he hadn’t met Ashton. And he could imagine it would be much, much grimmer. His luck had been thanks to a terrible, terrible thing, but it was still luck.

“I think he is, Calum.” Otto disagreed with him, though. “You two together, they way you’re with each other, that’s… That’s rare. Ashton _is_ lucky to have met you. To be able to have that.” The older finished, his voice conveying a second layer of meaning that had Calum choking up.

“I…”

“It’s okay. No need to say it out loud.” Otto smiled. He turned back to the shore, leaning forward as he placed his elbows on his knees, chin resting on his clasped hands. “Bec and Ashton loved each other, yeah.” He said. “But there wasn’t a chance for them to try it out. Who knows what would have happened.”

Calum wanted to protest, but Otto was right. The variables weren’t fixed. Ashton had been head over heels for Bec, and Calum would argue Bec had felt the same way for him, but that didn’t mean it would have worked out. Calum _knew_ Ashton would have tried with all his might, but he didn’t know Bec.

“Ashton and Bec, it _could_ have worked out, but we don’t know that. Have no way of knowing it.” Otto shrugged. “But having seen you and him?” He turned to face him again, his eyes set. “I _know_ you two work, Calum. That you _will_ work. Ashton… he deserves that.” Otto nodded. His eyes were suspiciously shiny, but then again, so were Calum’s. “You deserve that as well.”

“Otto…”

“It is what it is.” Otto shrugged, leaning back on the bench. “You make him happy, Calum. The way he smiles when he’s with you, when he looks at you, talks about you… You bring out something in him. Something that, to be honest, I have never witnessed. I’ve never seen his eyes lit up like that. As his friend, I can’t really ask for more.” There was a pause, Otto biting his lower lip before he added, “Bec couldn’t ask for more.”

* * *

_Can we talk?_

Calum sent the text without even thinking, staring at the screen. It was probably not a good time, New Zealand being ahead a couple of hours, but he still waited, eyes fixed on the screen until it showed Mali-Koa was online. Her reply didn’t take long.

**Yes, of course.**

Calum pressed the call button as soon as he read the message, looking over to Ashton and Otto talking quietly on the other side of Ashton’s garden. They had arrived from Manly not an hour ago, the car ride quiet but somehow not uncomfortable. He turned around, walked around the house as he listened to the call connecting and took a seat next to the front door.

“Hey.” He said as soon as Mali-Koa picked up.

“Cal? Is everything alright?” Mali-Koa said, the worry clear in her voice. Calum bit his tongue. He knew texting her that without any explanation must have sounded serious.

“Yeah. Yeah, no. Everything’s alright.” He rushed to say, stumbling over his words.

The way Mali-Koa laughed a bit made him feel self-conscious, but he also welcomed the sound. “Yes or no?” His sister asked, laughter still tinting her voice.

Calum groaned, shaking his head. Mali-Koa seemed to be waiting for him to say something, so he just blurted out a stupid question. “How are you? How’s everything?”

“Calum, you’re being weird.” Mali-Koa snorted. When Calum took a second too long to answer to the jab, the laughter faded. “Well, it’s past midnight so I was just going to go to bed. I spent all day packing.” She explained, letting out a sigh as Calum heard what probably was her falling against said bed.

“What time do you leave?”

“After breakfast.” The reluctance to leave was clear from her tone, and Calum couldn’t help but relate to her. He had wasted the first days there, and when the time came to say goodbye to his grandmother, for as much as he wanted to see Ashton, Calum had wished he could have stayed back. Enjoyed more time in New Zealand.

“You sure you’re okay?” Mali asked again when the silence stretched too long. Calum couldn’t say _yes_ without feeling like he was sort of lying, so he stayed silent. “How’s Ashton?”

Calum took a breath. He could hear Ashton and Otto’s muffled conversation still, even if he couldn’t see them anymore. “We went to the cemetery today.”

“Oh, that was today?” Mali asked, and Calum could hear her settling on her bed as he hummed in answer. He could imagine her face growing serious. “How’s Ashton doing?”

“He seems fine.” He admitted. Ashton did seem fine. Better than he had that morning before they left for the cemetery, for sure. “Otto seems fine too.”

“Otto?”

“Bec’s brother.” Calum clarified. “We spent the afternoon with him.”

“Oh.”

One syllable, and he knew he had given himself and the reason behind his call –one of them, at least– away. Not like he could hide it, anyway. Not from Mali. Calum always ended up giving everything away when talking to her. Despite all they had gone through in the past couple of years, Calum still felt himself wanting to tell her about everything going on in his life. Even if he was accustomed now to hiding it. And he _missed_ her. Couldn’t really imagine what Otto was going through.

“Tell me about Sydney.” Mali-Koa asked, sensing Calum’s need of a lighter conversation topic. At least for a while.

“It’s so hot in here Mali, my skin is literally melting.” He readily complained. “I’m constantly sweating. It’s gross.”

“Yuck.” Calum could see her scrunching her face, and it made him laugh. “Ashton’s family?” She asked after a few of her own giggles.

Calum bit his lip, trying to find a way for him to sum it all up. “Okay, so, his sister kind of low-key hates me, his brother’s always gushing about my tattoos, and his mum implied that she was on board with me and Ashton getting married. As in, she’d be totally okay with me asking for _Ashton’s hand in marriage_ or some shit like that.” Calum rambled on, laughing a little as he remembered Anne-Marie telling him over breakfast while Ashton was showering the other day that she had always wanted to visit Scotland and that _‘a wedding is as good an occasion as any’_. “Oh, and we’re visiting his grandparents the day after tomorrow. I’m nervous about that. And I wish I–”

“Wait. Stop. Let’s break this down.” Mali-Koa cut him. “Couple of things there. Go back to that first thing. His sister _hates_ you?” She asked, incredulous.

“Nah, it’s just me whining.” Calum admitted with a slight chuckle. “And I probably shouldn’t.” He added under his breath. He hesitated before saying, “She was friends with Ashton’s–, with Bec. Ashton said she just needs time to get used to the idea of us, and not him and Bec.”

“I’m sorry, Cal.” Mali said, her voice clipped over the phone line.

“It’s alright. She’s not unkind or hostile. She’s been nothing but nice. When she’s talked to me.” He frowned. Because that was the thing, Lauren was nice to him, even friendly. But he had this strange feeling that she _never_ quite wanted to initiate any conversation, almost like she was reluctant to talk to him.

“Well, you won his mum over, from what you said before. That must help.” Mali-Koa offered.

“ _You_ should know _sisters_ are way harder to win over than mums.”

“Touché.” Mali chuckled. “I liked Ashton from the start, for the record. Still do.” She said, and something in her voice made Calum feel some kind of warmth inside. Yeah, Calum was in love with him and would never let any outside opinion influence their relationship, but that Mali-Koa liked him still made him feel even happier. “If you wanted to listen to his mum, I’d be totally on board.”

“Not this again.” Calum sighed, a slight chuckle escaping past his lips right after. “One, I’m broke. Two, isn’t it too soon?”

“Is it, though?” Mali pressed, just like last time, after the tattoo parlour. “Does it _feel_ soon, Cal?”

The immediate answer would have been _no, it doesn’t_. Because it didn’t. And it wasn’t because of anyone else’s words in the past couple of days. It wasn’t because of the recent encouragements from Anne-Marie, or Otto’s words just a few hours back, or Mali’s just now. Calum just _knew_ this was it. He knew Ashton _knew_ , as well. And while he would have loved to actually have the money for a proper engagement ring, and to ask Ashton to marry him, while there were no doubts that was their future, there were still a few issues to work on before that. On Calum’s part.

“Mali?” He heard himself say, almost as if he had no control over what came out of his mouth.

“Yeah?”

Calum held his breath for a moment, swallowing slowly, trying to find the courage to finish admitting what he intended to. Even if he was okay with it, telling Mali felt scarier than having processed it had been. “I got rejected from Birmingham.” He whispered.

Mali only probably took two seconds to answer, but it felt like an eternity for him.

“Oh, I thought you were going somewhere completely different after the...” She trailed of. “I’m really sorry, Cal.”

“Prague should contact soon, though.” Calum said quickly, remembering how she had reacted last time. “I sent the final personal essay today, and they emailed back to say they’ll let me know before the year ends. They were enthusiastic.”

“I’m sure you’ll get it.” Mali said. And even through the line, Calum could hear her hesitating. “Is it what you want, though? You said...”

“I–. I don’t–.” Calum frowned, debating whether or not to admit to her that he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to go. More and more doubts coming up every time he thought about it. “I don’t know, Mali.” He gave in.

“If you need to talk, don’t hesitate to call me.” And despite her cliché words, Calum knew she was being genuine. Always was. “Whenever. For whatever, Calum. You can come to me.” She added. “Even when it’s midnight and I have to wake up early.” She finished with a chuckle.

“I know.” Calum laughed softly. “Thank you, Mals.” He said, feeling closer to her than he had in a while, even when she was far away. He still had nothing to talk to her about. Not yet. He was mulling it over and over and over. “I… I’m still figuring it out.” He whispered.

“That’s alright.” Mali assured him. Calum could even hear her soft smile through the line.

“I’m sorry I called this late, though. I should let you sleep.” He said, biting his lip.

“It’s okay, Calum.” Mali said gently. “I’m happy you called.”

Calum felt a knot forming in his throat all of a sudden, tears rushing to his eyes. He would give a lot to have a hug from her right now. He wouldn’t even make a face. Try to get away. Having spent a day with Otto had really put things into perspective. Still, he wasn’t able to tell Mali just how much he appreciated her. Calum hoped she knew anyway.

“I should get back to Ashton.” He cleared his throat, getting up and walking a bit to get some feeling back in his legs, looking straight at the lamp across the street so the mist in his eyes would disappear.

“Say hi to him for me, will you? Give him a real tight hug.” Mali asked.

“Will do.” Calum chuckled.

“I’ll talk to you soon, Cal.” Calum heard in her voice the unsaid ‘ _whenever you’re ready_ ‘, and he appreciated it. “Enjoy the last days with Ashton and his family and enjoy the weather. I’m sure it brings _some_ nice things. Like eye candy, for example.” She snickered. Sometimes Calum forgot she and Michael had a similar streak of humour.

“I’ll send you a ‘have a nice trip’ text tomorrow.” Calum promised instead, rolling his eyes at her comment but choosing to ignore it.

“Goodnight, Cal.”

“Night, Mali.”

Once the call ended, he looked around, taking in Ashton’s neighbourhood. Temperature had gone down with the sun, and Calum was actually grateful for the slight breeze. Breathing was a little easier. And being out wasn’t unbearable, thus why Ashton and Otto had suggested having some bears out in the garden when they came back. Calum had just needed to slip away for a moment, had needed a breather. Had needed to hear Mali’s voice, if he was honest. And he knew Ashton and Otto _needed_ alone time. So it had been a win-win situation. Now he was just afraid of intruding in on their conversation.

It wasn’t loud and full of laughter like it had been just minutes ago, when Calum stepped out. It was quieter, but there were smiles on their faces, so Calum supposed it was as good a time as any to come back.

“Hey, how’s Mali?” Ashton asked as soon as he saw him, offering his hand for Calum to take, pulling him closer until Calum fell into his lap, then nuzzled into his neck, making Calum giggle at the tickling.

“She’s all packed up.” Calum sighed. “Said to say hi and give you a hug.”

“When can I cash it in?” Ashton beamed at him, to which Calum just rolled his eyes, leaning in to press a kiss on his curls before sliding his arms around Ashton’s torso and drawing him into a hug.

Ashton sighed, melting into it. He was squeezing a tad too hard, and Calum frowned for a moment, but tightened his own arms, anyway. He would ask tomorrow. Tonight, he was thinking of leaving Ashton to enjoy his time with Otto.

“Hey, I think I’m going to go to sleep, though. I’m beat.” Calum said quietly in Ashton’s ear before he pulled back, sending a soft smile towards Otto.

“You okay?” Ashton whispered, bringing him back into him for a moment, his eyes worried.

“Yeah, yeah. Just tired from the day.” Calum assured him, smiling.

“Want me to come with?” Ashton asked, meeting his eyes.

“No. _Stay_. Enjoy, Ash.” He closed the distance between them and kissed him, a tight press of the lips just to make sure Ashton got it. When he pulled back, Ashton’s eyes were shining with a sheen of tears. Calum reached up to brush his thumb over his cheek. “Goodnight.” Then he turned to the other man, getting up from Ashton’s lap. “And thank you, Otto.”

“You’re welcome, mate.” Otto smiled back, actually standing up and drawing Calum into an unexpected hug. The younger returned it anyway, firmly. “ _Thank you_ , too.”

Calum swallowed, feeling his throat closing up. “I...–”

“Goodnight.” Otto chuckled, patting his back with a shake of his head. Calum nodded, sending him another smile.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Please don’t let Ashton have another beer? He gets mean when he’s hangover.” He pleaded with Otto.

“Hey.” Ashton complained, swatting his ass.

“Oh, does he?” Otto teased, smirking. “Duly noted.” He nodded towards Calum, who mouthed _thank you_ before turning towards Ashton.

“Night, baby.” He said, reaching back for his hand and squeezing it.

“Night, Cal. Love you.” Ashton whispered, getting up too so he could kiss him.

He seemed reluctant to let go of his hand though, looking conflicted when Calum pulled away. Calum leant forward again, pecking his cheek before he released his grip of Ashton’s hand, chuckling sofly. “Love you too.”

It didn’t take him long to shed his tee and shorts once he had brushed his teeth and was safely back in Ashton’s room. The bed was unmade, just how they had left it that morning when Calum hadn’t had the heart to make Ashton get up from it so he could make it. He turned the lights off and dragged himself to it, falling onto his back as he sighed. Calum was indeed feeling exhausted, and that was even with him not having even done that much exercise.

He was setting up an alarm for the next morning so they didn’t oversleep too much when an incoming text from Samuel surprised him.

**_Hello, Calum. Just checking you’re still on for the 27th through 29th shifts as we spoke before you left._ **

****

He felt himself smiling automatically. He hated that just as they got to Scotland Ashton had to leave for Cambridge because of work, but at least being at the volunteer centre he would have some distraction. And also, he kinda missed volunteering. But, if he was honest, Calum missed taking care of the kids the most. So that was one thing to look forward to.

_Yeah, count me in Sam. Looking forward to seeing you and everyone._

**_Great. See you soon, lad._ **

****

With that, Calum finished setting the alarm, blocked his phone and settled for sleep. He missed Ashton’s arm secured around his stomach, the older’s lips leaving butterfly kisses on the back of his neck as he fell asleep. But Ashton needed some alone time with Otto, and Calum was more than happy to have removed himself from the equation for a night. He hoped… he hoped it would help Ashton heal some wounds. Or at least allow him the possibility of going over the nice memories, the bad memories, and everything in between, with someone there that had lost Bec as well. 

* * *

“You get hungover from a couple of beers now?” Otto joked, taking a swig of his own bottle as Calum walked away.

“Tell me you don’t wake up cranky after a party night.” Ashton dared, and when Otto just stared at him, he laughed and shrugged, “We’re both getting old, man.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m in great shape.” Otto scoffed, looking down as he pat his abs.

“Well, considering you swim and coach for a living, it would be pretty bad if you weren’t.” Ashton snorted.

Otto laughed too, shaking his head.

It was nice, a little breeze moving through the trees that wasn’t as warm as it had been previous days. And the cicadas and the sky and everything… Ashton had missed this. Missed the smells of the summer, too. Like his mum’s garden with… _‘something-of-the-night’_ , Ashton didn’t remember the plant name. But he did remember the smell. It brought back memories from when he was younger. Spring, summer nights.

“Are you okay?” Otto asked after a while, making Ashton shake himself out of his reverie. “I know visiting after so long can be…” For a moment, Ashton didn’t catch what he was referring to. And then the hesitancy in Otto’s whole demeanour clued him in.

The cemetery.

“ _You_ are asking me that?” Ashton fixed him with a stare, huffing and shaking his head, looking down at the ground.

He had been navigating a myriad of emotions all day, constantly shifting from one to another. Nervousness, sadness, numbness. Guilt about letting himself feel that way when Otto was literally right next to him. Regret for insisting on Calum staying with him all day, even when he knew the younger had felt awkward. Flashes of pain when he saw Bec’s plaque at the cemetery. Confusion when he realised he hadn’t remembered about spreading her ashes when he and Calum had taken the kids to Manly last week.

But there had also been calmness, washing over him in waves, allowing him to breathe. Acceptance, too. He had been dealing with Bec’s death for two years, properly facing it since just a year ago, and now that he was here… When he and Calum had been alone at the cemetery, one of those waves had washed over him. Calum’s presence behind him had been a physical support, but for just a moment Ashton had felt… completely at peace. Like the last piece of the puzzle of moving on had fallen into place, like Bec herself had been there, had told him it was okay to let go.

Because that was exactly what she would have wanted, and what Ashton had felt himself doing all afternoon. He had been letting go. At the cemetery, during the car ride, when they got to Shelly Beach, as they walked up to the lookout. He had been letting go of the feelings of anger and frustration he had held close for the past two years. And with every step he took, he felt freer. It allowed him to fully immerse himself in the memories without feeling defeated. Sad, yes. Nostalgic, as well. But not like he was burdened by it, like he had been. Not anymore.

There would always be painful memories. And by the looks of it, his subconscious was still not over the memories of that day given by the recent nightmares. But they were only nightmares. The wound wasn’t open anymore. It had healed.

“I, um. I have something for you. In the car.” Otto suddenly spoke up, making Ashton meet his eyes. “Some of Bec’s journals.”

Ashton stared at him, a slight frown slowly appearing on his forehead. “Why…?”

“Her drawings, her poems. You’re… in them.” Otto said, looking mighty uncomfortable. “I read them all.”

“What?”

“A couple months _after_. I didn’t know how to cope with it. You weren’t here, and dad wasn’t talking, mum was always working.” Otto recounted a weird turn in his mouth. “I was trying to feel close to her again. I know it was wrong.”

“Otto…” Ashton said, biting his lip. “That wasn’t wrong. That was…” He breathed in deep, eyes falling again to the ground. “I would have gone through them as well, if I hadn’t left here running. Like a coward.” Ashton finished with a small voice.

“You’re not–.”

“I have nightmares. About that day. Been having them since that very same night.” Ashton said. For a moment he felt a familiar weight on his chest, a sharp pain when remembering just how useless the nightmares used to render him. “The memory is so well detailed, so vivid. It’s just seared into my brain.”

“ _Shit_.” Otto muttered. “I’m sorry, Ash. That we never talked about that. You were _there_ when it happened, and we’ve never talked about that.” He finished, meeting Ashton’s eyes.

“You were mourning, Otto.” Ashton shook his head, taking the blame he knew Otto must be feeling off of him. “We both were.” He sighed. “It’s not something we should concern ourselves with now. And the nightmares are just nightmares. They’ll go away, eventually.”

“Right.” Otto said slowly. He was slightly frowning, and for a moment some memory flashed in front of Ashton’s eyes. “Let’s talk about something else, then.”

“You seeing anyone?” He asked, looking back at Otto as he took a sip of his beer. There wasn’t much left, but he kept the bottle on his hand just to have something to do with it. The question had been in his head since the other day, and Ashton hadn’t been able to contain refrain himself any longer.

“I haven’t for a while.” Otto admitted. And then he raised his hand, pointing at Ashton, “Before you say anything, Ash, I’m _good_.” Ashton sent him an offended look, but yeah, he had been about to say something, so Otto wasn’t far off. He tried schooling his face as he waited for Otto to finish talking. “I’m just trying to enjoy everything I have in my life right now. I don’t need anything else.”

“Okay.” Ashton nodded. The older sounded honest enough, so he let it slid. Maybe being on his own for a while was indeed what he needed. And Ashton wasn’t in a good position to judge him.

If he hadn’t met Calum… Ashton probably would be choosing to stay single, not wanting to actively put himself out there. If he hadn’t met Calum, his life would probably look a lot different now, and he had a feeling it wouldn’t be as good. He’d probably had healed, but coming home would have felt weirder, and harder than it had been with Calum by his side. Ashton would have been burying himself in work in the hopes of keeping himself distracted, he wouldn’t have Michael and Grace. Most important of all, if he hadn’t met Calum, Ashton wasn’t sure he would have had the guts to call Otto on his own, for example. And that was what weighed more on him.

“Otto.” He said, looking up to meet the older’s eyes. “I’m… not sorry I left. But I’m sorry I didn’t reach out. That was real shitty of me.” He finished in a whisper, drawing in on himself. Ashton knew he should have reached out, he just had–.

“When did Calum even have time to…” Otto said, frowning. “Nevermind.” He chuckled, shaking his head. Then he grew serious. “I’m just as to blame, Ash. And don’t start going on about how Bec was my sister, and it was different. Because it _was_ different, but you know very well it _wasn’t_ in that sense you’re implying.”

Once upon a time Ashton would have fought Otto on that, because losing a sister wasn’t anywhere near the same on losing a friend, but today he was tired from all the rollercoaster of emotions. So he just nodded and looked away.

“And you never have to apologise, Ashton.” Otto said strongly. His eyes were shining when Ashton met them. “Not to me.”

Ashton felt annoyed at him, because he hadn’t wanted to get emotional, but he guessed it was inevitable. “Going away… I needed that. Being away from here.” He whispered, glancing around the garden before looking down. “I needed to be away from the memories, isolating myself. Perhaps it wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with it, but…” He trailed off.

Silence stretched for a couple of moments before Otto spoke up.

“It worked.” Otto finished for him.

“It worked.” Ashton repeated.

“Then you met Calum.”

“Then I met Calum.” Ashton chuckled, leaving his beer on the table to his left, leaning forward. His eyes were fixed on his ring finger, left index tracing it, almost subconsciously. “I–. I didn’t expect that. Didn’t expect… _him_.” Some tears rushed into his eyes at the swell of love in his heart, and Ashton closed them, a flash of Calum’s smile playing in his mind. And yet, there were still trails of all the emotions that had held him down all through that first year at Cambridge, tainting it slightly. “I think deep down I didn’t want to move on.” He confessed quietly.

He tried swallowing past the knot that had formed in his throat. Saying it out loud was like admitting it to himself, even if he had always known deep down. He hadn’t even talked about it with Calum. The younger probably knew about it –it was impossible for him not to know, really, with how Ashton had run away from him twice–. But they had never actually talked about it. For it to be coming up now… Ashton felt like the final burden was being lifted from his shoulders. This time, a self-imposed one.

“Ashton, you are in no way to blame for anything. You know that, right?” Otto asked in the same tone.

“Yeah.” Ashton nodded, feeling a tear tracking down his cheek, brushing it off on his shoulder. “I know.” He mumbled, sniffling and blinking to try to keep his eyes from tearing up even more. It was no use. “It’s just… I was there. I know she was being tended to by one of the best response teams I’ve ever worked with.” Ashton admitted, tears falling down his face. “But I can’t–. I’m–.” A sob tore through him, and he buried his face in his hands. He felt Otto’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing, and that made him feel embarrassed of succumbing to this. Again. Especially when he had gotten over this. “I don’t know why I’m like this.” He let out a watery chuckle, shaking his head.

“It’s okay.” Otto’s voice reached him. He sounded affected by it too.

It made it all worse, suddenly all his fears about hurting Otto and opening up a wound filling him again, but he couldn’t stop crying. And he felt the guilt taking over him. For making Otto cry, for moving on, for having Calum stay by his side all day, for having broken down in front of Otto, who had lost his _sister_ … for… for…

“I’m sorry.” Ashton exhaled, time stopping for a moment when he realised.

“I already told you, you d–”

“No.” Ashton cut him, taking his face out of his hands and meeting Otto’s eyes. The feeling was overwhelming him. Yeah, he had processed Bec’s death, had moved on. But he hadn’t worked on his feelings about having failed Otto. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything, Otto. That I ran late that day, that she had to walk because I took the car, that I didn’t meet her at the station. If I had been there earli–”

“Ashton, no.” Otto shook his head. His eyes were red, but he wasn’t crying.

“I’m _sorry._ “ Ashton forced out again. He had to _listen_. “I could’ve be–”

“I told you, Ashton. You _never_ have to apologise.” Otto repeated. “I took my car, too. I could’ve given her a ride, but I wasn’t there. You _don’t_ have to apologise. I’m not hearing it.”

Ashton stared at him, gaping, some sobs still taking over him every few seconds. His eyes left Otto’s slowly, travelling along the table towards the ground, Ashton closing them.

This. This was what he had feared all through that first year he had denied himself reaching out to Otto. The feeling of having failed the older, of not having been _there_ for Bec when she had needed him, when Otto had given him the okay, had trusted he would take care of her… It was stupid, and it was probably a concept a tad more misogynistic than Ashton was comfortable having –after all, he knew Bec could take care of herself just fine, no need for either of them to be watching over her _like_ _that_ –. But it was there, in his mind. It had been there all along. Buried beneath the grief. Guilt.

“It was no one’s fault, Ash.” Otto sighed, squeezing his shoulder again before he let go, walking back to his chair. “Believe me, I’ve gone over it like a hundred times. Blaming myself. Doesn’t get me anywhere.”

Ashton frowned, still processing what he had just arrived to.

“I don’t blame you, Ash. Don’t blame anyone. Don’t even blame myself.” Otto mumbled. “Not anymore.”

Ashton felt his tears slowly stop falling, his breath calming down. “I shouldn’t have brought this up, should I?” He muttered, embarrassed. “This was–”

“Apparently what you needed.” Otto cut him, his chuckles sounding out of place after the scene Ashton had put on.

“How are you…” Ashton asked, turning to him with a frown.

“Therapy.” Otto shrugged.

That made sense. Ashton didn’t feel like he would ever be brave enough for that, even with all the unhealthy ramifications that implied. He knew he would have dealt with Bec’s death better if he had had psychological support, but he just hadn’t… He hadn’t even been able to talk about it with Otto or his mum, trying to open up to a stranger would have gone horribly wrong.

But there was a certain feeling of relief expanding in his chest right now, having apologised to Otto. Ashton hadn’t realised he had been carrying that guilt too inside of him, and just saying sorry to Otto –even if the older would have none of it– had taken what seemed to be the last of the weight of suppressed emotions in his chest. Ashton could breathe easier now. And that right there was the proof that if he had just sought help when Bec passed, talked it through with a specialist –who would have reached the same conclusion he had arrived to after two years–, healing would have been faster.

The relief coursing through his veins reminded him of what he had felt after telling Calum about Bec last year, that horrible night. Talking about it felt… not exactly good. But it felt _right_.

“This conversation weirdly reminds me of when I told Calum about Bec.” Ashton mused, frowning at his own sudden comparison. But it did have its similarities. Confiding into someone after so long. Letting it all out with someone he trusted.

“For real? Don’t think you’re going to fall in love with me, though.” Otto snickered. “You’re too gone for him for that.”

“Shut up.” Ashton rolled his eyes.

“I’m really glad you met him, Ash.” Otto said, growing back serious. “You _deserved_ to move on. Even if you didn’t think you did.”

Ashton hadn’t felt he was deserving, for a multitude of reasons. He saw that now. He saw just how many restrictions he had put upon himself. Sheltering from life and possible friendships, from any kind of human contact that would have left him exposed. Luke had made himself a home on Ashton’s heart by sheer force of will and by being a great friend, bringing down by himself that first self-imposed barrier. And the rest of them had inevitably crumbled down when he met Calum.

Ashton chuckled softly. “Calum was _persistent_.” He still thanked his heavens that Calum hadn’t given up after he ran away after their first date. “If it had been down to my pathetic ass, we would have ended after just one date.” He recognised, sniffling even as he laughed.

“Good for you, then.” Otto laughed along, toasting to him before taking another swig of his beer. “He’s a good guy. And he _loves_ you.” Otto said quietly now, looking him in the eye.

“He, um,...” Ashton cleared his throat, reaching up to wipe away another tear. “Calum never made it seem like Bec wasn’t important, you know? Said she was part of me, that he wouldn’t dream of asking me to forget her. I think that clued me in that he wasn’t just anybody.” Ashton reminisced. “Calum said he wanted to get to know all of me, including my past.” 

“Mate, that’s so sappy.” Otto snickered, covering his mouth like he was a little kid. A gesture that reminded Ashton immensely of his sister. Weirdly enough, it didn’t make more tears fall from his eyes. “Which is yet another way in which you’re both so fucking perfect for each other. You’re exactly the same if not _worse_.”

“Fuck you.” At this point, it was an automated response to any and all of Otto’s jabs. Even when they were true. “But yeah, I am.” Ashton giggled.

Otto shook his head and chuckled some more.

They fell quiet for a while, and Ashton took a chance to take in the place. He hadn’t let himself think in depth about just how much he had missed Australia, how much he had missed the weather, the smells, his childhood home, the people. And now he and Calum only had a couple of days left here and Ashton felt like time had scurried through his fingers like water, the days passing by quicker as their departure approached.

But he missed Cambridge, and he missed Cambourne. He missed Luke and Michael and Grace. Even the people at the hospital. He missed their flat, and their kitchen, and their _bed_. The lake near their place, Calum’s home-cooked meals. Their breakfasts as Calum yawned ceaselessly and their late nights lying on their couch.

It was weird, being homesick while he was back at his childhood home, which had elicited that same homesickness not even two weeks ago. But Ashton _was_ homesick of Cambourne. Both feelings of homesickness cohabitated inside of him, and it was weird, but they were also different.

Of course he missed Australia while he was away, of course he felt homesick of his childhood home. But he had felt like that already when he only left for uni, living not even an hour away from it. But Cambridge… The feel was different. Sydney was his past. Cambridge was his future.

It would hurt like hell, leaving in a couple of days, saying goodbye to Harry and Lauren, his mum, Otto,… but Ashton knew, as Otto knew as well, Australia just didn’t feel the same anymore for him. It just felt like visiting the past. 

“Remember when we used to stay up until sunrise playing Cards Against Humanity?” He whispered suddenly, the memory surfacing. Images of Otto frowning and grumbling about how his card was definitely the better choice sharpening in his mind. Bec’s laughter. Ollie drunk out of his ass. Ashton didn’t exactly know where it had come from, but he welcomed it.

“Oh, man.” Otto chuckled. “Those discussions mixed with alcohol and political discourse were… They were awesome.” He snickered. “Like that day we ended up debating about whether bi-partisanship was even real or they were just mates stroking their limp cocks, passing the reins of the country between them every few years.”

“I still stand by what I said that night.” Ashton huffed. “Politics are shit here.”

“Politics are shit everywhere.” Otto snorted. “God, remember you threw up right after that?”

“Well, it left a bad aftertaste.”

“At least we managed to get same-sex marriage legalised.” Otto pointed out.

“ _Took our fucking time_.” Ashton said through his teeth.

He loved Australia, but sometimes he felt so deeply disappointed in his own home country.

“Well that took a depressive turn. Again.” Otto scrunched up his face.

“We can’t help ourselves, can we?” Ashton chuckled, reaching for his beer and swallowing what was left of it, warm and flat. It wasn’t pleasant, but Ashton accepted the theme for the evening seemed to be more on the sad, emotional spectrum, so it fit quite well.

He remembered the night of that discussion clearly. How much Bec had fought with this idiot classmate of hers about LGBTQ+ rights and how the law should be inclusive. Ashton had been feeling rather unwell after throwing up, but at that moment he had felt… Warm. He had felt his love for Bec burning through him; he had felt proud, and he had felt like crying –but Ashton had mostly blamed that on the amount of alcohol that had been coursing through his veins–.

Bec had been passionate about a million things, but equality and justice had always prevailed over everything. One of the reasons she got into Law. Ashton remembered well when they passed the bill, just a few short days before Bec died. They had all broken into their alcohol stash, celebrated until sunrise the next day. Ollie had been there, as well as Otto’s swim team, a few of Bec’s classmates. Ashton had only been able to watch her from afar, as awkward as things had been between them. It had only been three days since they hooked up at that party, and even though he had talked with her during that night, it hadn't been the same. But watching her... Well. She had had so much life, so much passion, so many things to fight for… if she just had gotten the chance.

“I miss Bec.” Ashton muttered, his index tracing the top of his beer bottle, eyes unfixed.

“Me too.” Otto whispered.

* * *

Ashton finished locking up with a sigh, resting his forehead against the front door.

“You okay, bug?” His mum’s voice startled him.

“Yeah.” He nodded, turning around to send her a smile. He was exhausted, but he was okay.

“Where’s Calum?” She asked as she finished walking down the stairs, coming closer. Ashton thought she had gone to sleep hours ago.

“Asleep, he turned in early.” Ashton answered her, glancing up the stairs, thinking about how much his body was asking to just go to sleep, cuddle into Calum’s arms for the night, and hide himself away from the world.

“Oh, I thought he was still outside with you and Otto.” She frowned for a moment, crossing her arms and following his gaze before looking back to Ashton, who shook his head no.

“He wanted to give us some time.” Ashton admitted, biting his lip. “I told him it wasn’t necessary, but it was no use.” He chuckled. He frowned, looking down for a moment. Ashton had the feeling Calum had been feeling uncomfortable during the entire day, and he hadn’t even asked him about it. He had tried catching him on a moment alone before they came back from Manly, but Calum had denied it, shaking his head. Ashton would apologise about it the next day.

He had also been incredibly supportive. Always there whenever Ashton had needed him, close by with his hand outstretched and a smile ready for him. Ashton knew he was lucky. Today he had been reminded of just how much.

“I really like him.” Anne-Marie declared.

“Me too.” Ashton smiled, meeting her eyes.

Anne-Marie snorted at that. “Well, it would be pretty concerning if you didn’t. Besides, not like you can’t hide the fact that you’re head over heels for him.”

“It’s not really something I would _try_ to hide.” Ashton laughed, but felt his cheeks growing hotter. “But you’re right, I’m hopeless.” He admitted quietly. “Don’t comment on it.”

Anne-Marie rolled her eyes, laughing, before reaching for his face, stroking his cheek with her thumb and making Ashton scrunch up his face.

“ _Mum_.”

“It’s just nice to see you this happy, Ashton.” She nodded, her eyes suddenly misty, and Ashton felt overwhelmed, reaching to hold her hand, praying not to get emotional again. He knew his eyes must still be red from the crying before with Otto, Ashton didn’t want to succumb into that again.

His mum wasn’t one to dwell on emotional moments, though, so Ashton wasn’t too surprised when she cleared her throat and reached out for his hair, combing it backwards.

“It’s getting long.” She stated.

“I know.”

“Come on, keep me company for a moment.” She sighed, sliding her hand down to his shoulder and squeezing before she walked towards the kitchen.

Ashton nodded, smiling to himself before following her. She looked older, her frame smaller than he remembered. Ashton didn’t know why, but even with seeing her through Skype, seeing her in the flesh… it just highlighted all the time he had been away.

He watched as she filled the kettle, put it on, made himself useful in the meantime, taking out two mugs from the cupboard above her head and leaving them on the counter. Even with the sound of the kettle, it was that kind of eerily silent time at night where everyone was already asleep. Ashton hadn’t even noticed just how late it was until Otto had said he needed to get home, get at least some sleep in before he had to wake up for work.

Ashton knew he would be seeing him in a couple of days, but being here for such a short time, every goodbye made Ashton highly aware that he would have to say a proper one soon. That he would have to make do without hugs from him, from his mum, without hearing Lauren laugh in the same room as him, without having Harry play fight him for the remote. Those feelings were nothing compared to how he felt about leaving them behind again, though.

“I’m sorry I can’t stay for longer, mum.” He said as he took a seat, meeting her eyes again.

“Work is work.” She shrugged, turning around and switching off the kettle, pouring it over the two mugs. Ashton observed how she busied herself putting the bags in, adding sugar to Ashton’s mug. All without meeting his eyes. “Here you go, love.” She said as she offered him his mug. Her eyes were as red as Ashton guessed his own were.

“Thanks, mum.” He whispered, taking it.

He could hear Harry softly snoring upstairs, the sound of a cricket just outside the kitchen coming in from the window. For a moment he felt a shiver running through him, making him close both his hands around the mug. It was weird; it wasn’t even cold outside. Maybe he was too tired, his body out of sync. And he was getting sleepy. The smell of chamomile drafting up his nose was calming, and it was making him feel even sleepier.

“Calum makes me hot chocolates.” Ashton blurted out without thinking. His mum just chuckled.

“I know.” Ashton frowned, but she was soon explaining, “He told me he bribes you with them to keep you from breaking your laundry schedule.”

It made Ashton snort, “Sometimes.” He admitted. “But he mostly makes them when I’m not feeling… my best.”

His mum nodded, finally taking a seat next to him. She was looking at her mug, a slight tug of her lips showing the ghost of a smile. A sad one.

He brought his own mug to his lips, blowing gently on it before taking a sip. His mum had added some lemon to the mix without him noticing, and Ashton was reminded of sick days when he was younger. The tea and the memories warming him up.

“It’s been nice, getting to know him.” She offered after taking a sip herself. And then she was smiling for real, a twinkle in her eye that made Ashton be wary of her next words even before she said them. “Kind of needed to know the man you’re going to marry, don’t you think?”

“ _Mum_.”

Anne-Marie broke out laughing, unconcerned. “What? It’s not like you haven’t already thought about asking him. I _know_ you.”

Ashton gaped at her, wondering when he had gotten so transparent in his intentions, before shaking his head and chuckling. “We’ve _talked_ about it, yeah.” He agreed. “I haven’t actually drawn out a _plan_ yet.”

She laughed, reaching for his hand to stroke over his knuckles as Ashton grew red, but she didn’t seem fazed. “I’m so happy for you, Ashton. I really, really am.” She smiled sincerely. “Even if it makes me sad my grandchildren will grow up far away from me.”

Ashton choked on his own spit, his mum snorting as he tried to cough his way out of it. It wasn’t like they hadn’t thought about children, it was just an unexpected comment coming his mum. Well. Maybe not _that_ unexpected. She had always said for as long as Ashton could remember that she wanted grandchildren. But there was some other part of her comment that made Ashton frown.

“We… Haven’t discussed that.” He admitted, biting his lip before meeting her eyes again.

“The children part or the living far away part?”

“We’re definitely having children sometime in the future.” Ashton stated. “You should see Calum with kids, he’s… he’s great, mum. He truly is. He’s going to be a great dad someday.” He whispered, a smile taking over his face at the thought of having the privilege of raising a family with him. Calum was going to be wonderful. “About the other thing, we haven’t really discussed it.”

“Ashton, you may not have talked about it with Calum, but you and I both know there’s not even going to be a discussion on your part. You’re not coming back.” Anne-Marie said matter-of-factly.

Ashton stared at her again, just now realised it wasn’t that he was transparent now, it was that he had forgotten just how good his mum had always been able to read him. Like an open book. And she knew, probably even before he himself came to terms with it, that he wasn’t coming back. Didn’t have a desire to do so, at least. His home was on the other side of the world now.

He also knew that, despite her joking and her light tone when addressing these topics, that she was hiding some feelings of hurt. They had been through too much together, she and Ashton –even when Ashton had been a stupid kid that screamed at her at every turn– to be blind to it now. He was _leaving_.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly, barely audible tone. Then he repeated, a bit more firmly, “I’m so sorry, mum.”

His eyes were back to misty, tears gathering in them. He looked away, trying to keep it in, but when he heard his mum’s chair sliding across the floor to be closer to him, he knew it was no use. Tears started to fall down his cheeks again.

“It’s okay, baby.” She said calmly, taking his hand in hers, reaching with the other to wipe away the tears. “Hey, it’s okay, Ashton. It’s okay, you understand me?” Anne-Marie asked, grabbing his chin and making him meet her eyes. “It’ll give me an excuse to travel, right? And to mother you properly when I visit because I’ll _have_ to stay with you.” She said with a smirk, chuckling right after. But there were tears on her cheeks too.

“I think you’ll have competition with Calum there. He fusses over me all right.” Ashton let out a watery chuckle, reaching himself to clean the tear tracks.

“It’s going to be okay, honey.” Anne-Marie insisted. “I know it is.”

Ashton nodded, knew it would. But he still couldn’t stop the tears from falling. So he just let them. His mum drew him into a hug, cradling his head, and Ashton just let himself cry. He had needed a hug from his mum so badly and for so long, so he just took the opportunity and run with it.

When he seemed to calm down, Anne-Marie let him go, offering back his now lukewarm tea. Ashton drunk it in one go, the taste actually helping soothe him. He hadn’t wanted to break down today, hadn’t wanted to cry. He had ended up doing so for different reasons than what he had expected, though. Consequences of Bec’s passing, but not so much _because_ of it. Ashton guessed it was progress.

“How was the day?” Anne-Marie asked softly, as if she knew exactly where his thoughts had gone to.

“It went fine.” He said. “Visiting Bec’s grave,… I thought it would be more difficult. I felt weirdly calm.” Ashton recognised.

“Weirdly calm is… Not what I expected.” His mum frowned, still holding on to one of his hands.

“Me neither.” Ashton chuckled, unexpectedly. “I miss her, but… I can _breathe_ , now. It felt like I was carrying this weight on my chest, mum, and I hadn’t noticed it was harder to breathe. And now it feels like it’s been lifted and I’m just taking up so much air…” He explained, feeling his chest expanding inside his ribcage, falling back down. And up and down and up again.

“Lauren told me you went to Manly.” Anne-Marie informed.

“Otto asked us to go with him.” Ashton nodded.

She seemed to hesitate for a moment before continuing, “She also told me Calum stayed back at the cemetery, most of the time.”

“He didn’t want to come today.” Ashton sighed, leaning forward, closing his eyes. “He didn’t want to be a bother, even when I’ve told him a million times he wasn’t. He never could be.” Then he opened his eyes, met his mum’s for a moment before fixing them on the table where he had left his mug. “Lauren’s always observing his every move, trying to find a flaw in us. Something to justify her resenting me, resenting _us_.” He spat, feeling a bit annoyed at Lauren having talked to his mum about it. If anything, Calum giving him –and them– the privacy to visit Bec’s grave on their own should have been a point in his favour, not something to blab on about to their mother.

“I don’t think your sister has any ill intentions, Ashton. She’s just looking out for you.” Anne-Marie tried calmly.

“I don’t need–”

“I know that, she knows that.” She cut him, sighing right after. “Lauren misses you, Ashton. After you left, she was… difficult.” She admitted, making Ashton whip his head to look at her.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ashton asked, feeling a pang of hurt in his chest. If he had known, he would have...

“I didn’t tell you because you were half a world away, alone, and mourning Bec.” Anne-Marie said, adamant, but not unkindly. “It wasn’t something I should have added to your plate.”

Ashton wanted to rebut her words, but he knew she was right. And it should have been up to him to reach out. He owed her an apology, as well.

“She’s cold to Calum.” Ashton couldn’t stop himself from saying, rubbing his eyes. “It’s not his fault. It’s me she’s mad at.”

Anne-Marie, however, let out a short laugh at his words. “Honey, it’s not about that at all.” She smiled, and then her face was tinted with sadness, her hand squeezing his again. “You can’t expect her to warm up to someone in your life so quickly after what she saw you go through, Ashton. She was scared.” She explained quietly. “We all were.”

It caught him by surprise, even when it shouldn’t have. He knew what he had been like those first few weeks after Bec died. He knew how he had looked like when his mum came to help him pack up his things at the flat, Lauren and Harry trailing behind her. He remembered their faces the first time he woke them up screaming because of a nightmare. But to think Calum was paying for it,...

“I’ll talk to her.” Ashton said, voice thick. He tried swallowing past the note on his throat, but it was difficult. “I’ll talk to them both. Lauren and Harry.” He sniffled, hating that he was already like this again. “Calum’s not–. He’s permanent, mum.”

“I know.” His mum nodded, tightening her hold on his hand.

“He’s not going anywhere.” Ashton insisted.

“I know, Ashton.” Anne-Marie nodded. "I think she knows it too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best, but I feared if I didn't make an effort to finish this chapter and edit it, I wouldn't be able to get back into it. The past few months have been so busy (had to finish my Master's thesis and finish uni and classes, etc), and there were things happening in the world that I had to give my attention to because they were way more important than writing fic, like taking the spare time I had to educate myself, and now the past week has been kind of hellish,... But I'm here again, and this is posted, and I just hope you guys don't cringe too much.  
> Drop me a line if you feel like it!  
> Love you guys xx


	9. Coalsack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: if any of you have anxiety or can be triggered by mentions/descriptions of panic attacks, I'd strongly advise against reading this chapter. 
> 
> I know putting this up here gives away exactly what is going to happen, but better be safe than sorry.

TRIGGER WARNING: in case you guys don't read ANs. If you have anxiety, suffer from panic attacks, or feel like you could be triggered I'd strongly advise against read this chapter, as there is a depiction of a panic attack at the beginning of this chapter.

* * *

A small buzz woke him up, clearing up the last of some dream from the forefront of his mind. He burrowed instinctively into Ashton’s chest, a slow smile tugging on his lips when he felt Ashton tighten his hold on him. The sound of the older’s breath hitting the back of his neck was too deep for him to be awake, though, and Calum wondered if he had imagined the buzz that woke him up. Ashton was the light sleeper, not him. And the older was clearly still sleeping, if the slight snores coming from behind Calum were anything to go by. It did a weird sound, then stopped abruptly, air stuck in the middle of Ashton’s throat and Calum couldn’t help but giggle, even if a corner of his mind –the one that was less asleep, and far less childish– wondered if he should be concerned about Ashton having sleep apnoea.

It was hot in the room, and he was sticky with sweat, but Calum still didn’t try to move away from Ashton’s embrace. He was hanging onto Calum like he was a teddy bear, his arms secured over Calum’s stomach, and hugging him close. Calum could even feel the older’s heartbeat on his back, and it made him sleepy. So sleepy… He could almost feel the last remaining tendrils of his dream pulling him back. But he was _sure_ he had heard a buzz.

When he looked at their phones on the bedside table, an intermittent green light on the top right corner of his own told Calum he hadn’t imagined it, though. And green meant a new email.

He blinked a couple of times, groaning, feeling his entire body weighing tons, trying to command his free arm to reach for it, but it was difficult. And he was so comfy in Ashton’s arms, having fallen asleep with him in an actual _comfortable_ position that wasn’t going to make his neck hurt in the morning. Surely the email could wait. Probably spam. Or an ad.

The light kept blinking, as if daring him. And then it hit him. It was the middle of the night here, but in Europe… –. Fuck. _Fuck._

Suddenly feeling more awake after the thought entered his mind, Calum reached for his phone in a flash, blinking like a mad man trying to adapt his eyes to the sudden brightness of the screen even in its lowest setting. And. And there it was. An email from the Astronomical Institute.

Calum felt his heart flying to his mouth, suddenly beating twice as fast, and not even Ashton’s arms still secured around his middle protectively were helping him calm down. He blinked a couple more times, but his screen still read the same. He tried to will himself to open it, but he could do nothing but stare at it.

What if it was another rejection letter? Then what? There were no other positions on the horizon, nowhere else he could apply to. That ship had sailed, and ESA didn’t have any graduate programs he could hop on to. Not this year. Not next year, because it would have already been a year since he finished his master’s.

And yeah, he could still work at Topman, but it wasn’t… It wasn’t what he wanted. Or the stability he needed. Or even fair to Ashton, who had kept paying for rent while Calum was only paying for bills and food. He needed a fucking job. In his field. He needed _Prague,_ even if he didn’t know if he wanted to go. Even if Calum was nervous, scared even, about going there on his own.

How could he have been so fucking stupid? Relying just on two places, turning down secure offers just because they were corporate? Who was he? A stupid fucking boy, that was. The satellite company that had approached him had been based in Edinburgh, for fuck’s sake. And he turned it down because it wasn’t near _Cambridge_ , besides not being what he thought he wanted. Did he even _know_ what he wanted?

The thought of working on Research didn’t have him as excited as it once had. He didn’t feel like it would be… exactly right for him. Which broke out the entire path he had set for himself years ago. But it just didn’t feel _right._ It wasn’t like he couldn’t see himself enjoying it, but there was something _missing._ Thing was, now Research was his only option. Wasn’t it? And if he had wanted it once, maybe what he was feeling was just something temporary, right?

He had also passed the chance to apply for a PhD at Cavendish, or anywhere else for that matter… Maybe he should have just applied for one. The thought had been weighing in on him lately. That maybe that should have been his path. Research, but in an environment he knew. One he controlled up to a certain extent. An environment the thought of didn’t have his heart dropping to the ground, didn’t make him dizzy.

Every single offer in his field listed them as beneficial. In most it was a requirement, at least for Research teams. But Calum remembered having calculated the cost of it, and thinking he would have to live on his pay from Topman and occasionally asking his parents for money when he couldn’t make it and… And Calum couldn’t do that. A doctorate just wasn’t an option. Which also was in part a stupid ass excuse. He was a fucking moron. Even if he didn’t have the funds for it, at least with a PhD studentship he would have had _something_ else to live on besides the Topman pay, plus he would have been furthering his skills, kept on learning. He would have had three more years to figure shit out. And if he had taken his professor’s offer, he wouldn’t have been _away._

 _Away_. Quite ironic that the only option he had right now, if the email wasn’t a rejection letter, was going away. He felt his mouth dry up, tried swallowing, but it didn’t work. Away from Michael, away from Ashton, from _home._ He would be away, and he didn’t know if he was more scared about being away in case something bad happened back home or scared of being on his own. He had been away from Michael before, during uni, but somehow the thought of having to make it through six months without him close by made something dark stir inside Calum’s chest. And Ashton… Two weeks at Dunedin had shown Calum he wasn’t very capable of lasting that long without him. And he had had Mali and Anahera and the rest of his family. He would have no one in Prague. He would be alone, away from everyone. He would be constantly worrying over being far, and he would have no one close to help him through it. _Alone_. Calum felt like his mind was starting to spiral away from him, stuck on a loop that he didn’t know how to break.

He stared at the phone in his hands, the screen black again but the green light blinking like it was mocking him. There was a weird tingling sensation on his fingers, but he glossed over it, double tapping the screen just to see the email notification again. _Torture_. Calum needed to see it again, because he felt like he was dreaming, like it wasn’t real. The bed felt too soft; he felt like he was floating on some cloud. Even Ashton’s body behind himself felt strange, like it wasn’t really there. Maybe he was still asleep. Maybe he hadn’t really woken up. Maybe it was a bad dream.

But there it was. Calum had to blink, his eyes seemingly not having adapted to the brightness yet, because it was too bright, the letters blurring in. He blinked again, feeling his eyes blurry even more instead of clearing out, and he realised the brightness of the screen was too much, bringing on some tears.

Calum didn’t even know why he was so nervous, but he could feel his heartbeat on his mouth like he had just stepped off his bike after a few kilometres. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to go. There could be other places. He could… He could do something else, right? Why was he nervous about getting into the research or not? Oh yeah. Cause Birmingham had already turned him away. Because he didn’t have a PhD. Because he had been doing nothing related to his field for the past _five months._ And though he might want to believe there would be more options, there weren’t. Not in the foreseeable future. That was why.

Not having any plan whatsoever. No _control_ over his life. No idea where he was headed. Real nice of his brain to go right there. Again. It was the furthest from what Calum needed. He needed…

“Ash.” He said, noticing the dryness of his mouth again, reaching clumsily for Ashton’s hand over his stomach, squeezing lightly. “Ashton.” He repeated. He tried wetting his lips and felt something salty in them, his heart still wanting to beat out of his chest. The older stirred slightly, but Calum knew he was still asleep. He half turned in his embrace, struggling to get out, sit up. His hand found Ashton’s shoulder and squeezed it again. “ _Ashton_.”

“What’s wrong.” Ashton slurred, trying to open his eyes but only managing a small slit. He was still clearly half asleep.

“Prague.” Calum said, and the reaction in Ashton was instant, his eyes shooting open.

* * *

“What’s it? What did they say?” Ashton asked as he sat up, the look in Calum’s eyes worrying him. “Babe?” He reached for Calum’s hand, felt it trembling beneath his. Calum looked half scared to death, had sat up against the headboard, hugging his knees to his chest, tear-streaked cheeks and his eyes darting between the phone in his hand and everywhere else. Ashton squeezed his hand, using his free one to grab Calum’s chin, redirecting his attention.

“Calum?” Ashton tried, softly, and Calum’s eyes snapped back to his.

“... can’t.” He breathed out, shaking his head. “Can’t open it.”

Ashton took a breath, his hand sliding down Calum’s arm towards his hand, taking the phone from him. Calum’s eyes were opened wide, staring at him, but in a way that made Ashton frown. His breathing was too quick.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to open it right now.” He said calmly. Calum looked confused, and Ashton squeezed his hands again. “Breathe with me, okay?” He asked, placing Calum’s right hand on his chest, and he must have made the wrong move, because Calum seemed to be panicking now, snatching his hand back from Ashton’s and staring at it, shaking, then cradling it to his chest. The trembling looked to be spreading through him like a wave, his entire body shaking, but not violently. It almost seemed like Calum was trying to keep it in. His breath was shallow, barely any air getting past his lips in each inhale, even when Calum looked like he was trying to get as much air as he possibly could. He was still staring at his hand, but his eyes looked unfocussed, shiny with tears.

“Calum, look at me.” Ashton whispered. He had had people with panic attacks in the ED a few times, but despite the experience, seeing Calum like this was making him forget exactly how to act. “Please.”

The younger did, for a moment, before he looked back down. Then he closed his eyes, chest heaving as he took in big gulps of air, like he couldn’t get enough.

“... can’t. Can’t.” He let out in between breaths, eyes snapping at the phone on the bed. Ashton moved quickly, getting in the middle of the younger’s field of view, trying to lock eyes with him again.

“Yes, you can, babe. You are having a panic attack.” Calum’s eyes shot impossibly wide, his pupils taking most of the iris. “I know it’s scary but you’re going to be okay. I just need you to look at me.” He repeated. “Can you do that, please?”

Calum kept taking mouthfuls of air, clawing at his chest. He glanced down, confused, then looked back up to Ashton. The fear in his eyes sent Ashton’s heart galloping, but he couldn’t do anything if Calum couldn’t listen to him.

“Calum, I need you to focus on my breathing. You need to copy it. It will help, I promise.” He tried again, feeling his own lips twitch, his eyes fill with tears. He took a breath, releasing it softly, trying to get Calum to copy it. Panic attacks were the worst, especially when Calum had never experienced one before, and Ashton couldn’t say he remembered the one he had had fondly. “Come on. You can do this. Focus on copying me.”

“Can’t… I can’t.” Calum mumbled, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “Hurts.”

Ashton felt a pang to his own chest, wanting to just wrap his arms around Calum and hold him close. But having seen how the younger had reacted when he had touched him earlier, it probably wasn’t the best idea without a warning first.

“Can I touch you?” Ashton asked calmly, finally locking eyes with Calum. The younger looked confused, but after a couple of beats he nodded. Quick, small, but it was a nod. Seeing Calum like this was making Ashton nervous too, but that wasn’t what the younger needed to see right now. Ashton nodded back, trying not to let it get to him. “Okay. I’m going to take your hand.”

Ashton reached for Calum’s hand slowly, keeping his gaze on Calum just to check if he would react in any way. When he didn’t, Ashton let his fingers trace over Calum’s softly. They were rigid, clamped in two fists. It was clear he was trying to control the shaking. Trying to control _anything_. Ashton tried prying them open gently, his thumb rubbing small circles against Calum’s skin, all the while maintaining eye contact. He could hear Calum’s rapid breathing, and now that he could check for his heartbeat on his wrist, Ashton found it going way too fast. Which was to be expected, but it still felt like a blow.

There was a noise outside Ashton’s window, probably some bird flying off the tree in the neighbours’ garden, and Calum’s eyes snapped away towards it as he jumped.

“It’s okay, Cal. Probably just a bird.” Ashton said as much out loud. Calum’s breathing wasn’t really slowing down, and Ashton just now realised his own heart was hammering inside his chest. The look in Calum’s eyes…

He took a breath, closing his eyes for a moment as he kept caressing over Calum’s pulse. When he opened them, he looked back to Calum, who had now closed his eyes, muttering something unintelligible under his breath. “You’re going to be okay, Cal. It will pass. I promise.” Ashton whispered, sliding closer and reaching to cup Calum’s face. Calum shook his head, though, more tears falling down his face as he hiccuped, his breathing quickening. Ashton let his hand fall down again, biting his lip and trying to wreck his brain for any other technique he could try.

Calum seemed to be battling with something in his mind, Ashton knew his expressions well. And as much as he could try to pull him out of it, if Calum didn’t open his eyes, there wasn’t much Ashton could do. He could just stay there, offering a silent support, his presence.

Calum had never had a proper panic attack, but that wasn’t to say his anxiety hadn’t got the best of him before. Ashton remembered his last exams week, and the worried calls from Michael. Remembered visiting and feeling torn about not being able to help. Calum retreating into his mind when he was stressed or scared wasn’t new, it was just… not the most convenient thing right now. Every time he sobbed, the shaking intensifying until he tried to control it by tensing all his muscles, Ashton felt a pang to his chest.

“I’m here with you, okay?” He said softly. “I’m here, Calum. Whatever you need.”

Calum let out a pained sound, more tears falling from his eyes as he shook his head, almost like he was trying to get rid of some unwanted thought. His chest was rising and falling at a speed that made Ashton sure Calum had to be dizzy with the amount of oxygen he was getting into his system. Ashton wondered if the news he had received were bad. Although at this point, he didn’t know which news would be the bad news: getting accepted or not. Calum hadn’t talked to him again about his fears, not in depth, but Ashton knew it had still been eating him up. Under the surface.

It killed him that he couldn’t help him. Ashton knew if he gave in and helped Calum decide what to do, it could affect their relationship. But watching him struggle wasn’t exactly easy. When Calum had first come to him with his idea of applying for the grant at the Institute, the younger had been excited beyond belief. They had talked about what it would mean for them, being apart for six months if he got in, but Ashton hadn’t been worried. It wouldn’t be that long. But now that he saw Calum as he was, still tensed up, trying to control himself from shaking, unable to stop crying and hyperventilating, scared of what was going on in his own mind, Ashton wasn’t so sure… He hated having to watch Calum go through this, but at least he was there with him. If it happened while he was away…

But no, he couldn’t think like that. Ashton had told Calum as much whenever he had been worried about Ashton having nightmares. They were stronger than that. _Calum_ was stronger than that. Stronger than him, even if the younger didn’t believe it. Ashton knew it. And perhaps this would be an unrelated episode. Ashton himself, despite the nightmares, had only ever experienced one attack in all his life.

Whenever someone came into the ED with panic disorder related symptoms, though, it was never pretty. Ashton often felt hopeless. Luke was better at helping them, though. Ashton remembered this one time Luke had helped calm down a kid that couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t stand anyone touching them or coming closer to them after they and their family were brought in from a car accident. Luke had helped them come down by...

“Tell me about your tattoo, Cal. The _ALIVE_ one.” He said suddenly, glancing up to Calum. He still had his eyes shut, tears streaming relentlessly down his cheeks. His mouth clenched and unclenched at the same time as his right fist. Ashton stroked over his wrist, where ALIVE looked stark against his skin. Calum stopped mumbling, but there were hiccups here and there, hindering his breathing. He was still shaking. “Tell me the story again. Remember?” Ashton squeezed his hold on Calum’s wrist. “Come on, I’d love to hear it. Please?” Ashton said, raising Calum’s hand gently and pressing a light kiss over his pulse.

The younger took a couple of seconds to react, but then he was slowly blinking, his eyes bloodshot as he met Ashton’s eyes. Calum stared at him, brow slightly furrowed, but he seemed to be less lost than just a moment before, so Ashton decided to keep pulling that thread. It was best to help him get away from the moment to another time when he had felt _normal_. “You said this one you hadn’t planned. That it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, that you needed to get the _feeling_ tattooed, right?” Calum gave a tentative nod, opening his mouth but then taking another big breath.

“I-. I was…” The younger started, and Ashton smiled encouragingly. He was still monitoring Calum’s pulse, which unfortunately confirmed Calum was in the thick of it.

“You were with Michael.” He filled in. He knew the story, remembered it well from that first night a year ago. “You guys went partying and–”

“–London.” Calum’s shaky voice cut him. He too was staring at his wrist, his eyes snapping up to Ashton’s for a moment, still wide in fear but looking less unfocused.

“Yeah. Yes.” Ashton nodded. “You were in London. Can you tell me more?”

Calum looked confused by the question, looking around himself, and Ashton reached up with his free hand, cupping his jaw and holding him so that his eyes were back on his. Now that he was seeing Calum focusing, he couldn’t let go of the thread.

“The story. You were in London with Michael. How did you decide to get the tattoo?”

Calum held his gaze, still hiccuping, his heartbeat still over 200 bpm if Ashton had to estimate, but he was at least focusing on something, not lost inside his mind. “Drunk.” He let out between breaths, swallowing and licking his lips, blinking as he kept staring at Ashton. “We were drunk.” The younger whispered, voice breaking. “Michael got–.” He stopped to take a big gulp of air, closing his eyes again. He bit his lip so hard Ashton feared he was going to get it bloody, but then he was taking a slow breath, trying to exhale it slowly. When he opened his eyes, he was looking at Ashton like he was waiting somehow for him to tell him what to do.

“Yeah, you were drunk.” Ashton nodded, letting out a chuckle and suddenly noticing his own tears as he squeezed Calum’s hand. “You’re doing so good.” He tried reassuring the younger, who just blinked, the tears that had welled in his eyes falling down his cheeks. “Do you remember the weather that night?”

“Rainy?” Calum breathed out, looking down at his lap where both their hands were before he met Ashton’s gaze, “I-. I think it was...rainy.”

Ashton smiled. “You remember the smell?”

Calum frowned, a big tremble going through him. His hand clamped down again, and he closed his eyes. He mumbled something that Ashton couldn’t quite catch, another sob escaping past his lips.

“Hey, hey. Calum. Babe.” Ashton said, stroking over his cheek in an attempt at getting him to open them again. “Describe the smell to me. Okay? Concentrate on that. You can do this.”

Calum opened his eyes again, tongue darting out to lick his lips. He looked like he was trying to remember. His breathing was shallow, but at least he was concentrating on something else rather than what had triggered the attack. “Humid.” He mumbled, blinking a couple of times. “Rain. The canal.” He stopped to swallow, taking another big breath but trying to control it as Ashton nodded, himself releasing his own slowly, watching as Calum copied it shakily. “The grass. Pe-. Petrichor? Petrichor. That’s a weird word.” Calum noted with a small chuckle, shaking his head afterward. It brought a giggle out of Ashton too, as well as a sense of relief, hearing Calum stringing more than two words together.

“How about Michael?” Ashton smiled, stroking over Calum’s cheek, brushing some tears away as he held the younger’s gaze. “You remember what he was wearing? The colour of his hair?”

“It was green.” Calum nodded. There was still fear in his eyes, but now there was a spark of fondness there too. “It wasn’t… vivid green. It–. Faded. He looked like a vampire. All black.” He concluded with another breathless chuckle. “We were _so drunk_.” He sighed, closing his eyes and shaking his head. It made Ashton laugh.

“I know. I’ve heard the story from you both and there’s quite a few discrepancies.” He said, still laughing.

“We got drunk on cheap vodka. We didn’t even have a place to crash on. I don’t–” Calum stopped himself, taking another gulp of air. But Ashton noticed the intervals between each were spreading. He wasn’t shaking as much. “Vodka and Michael are no good pair.”

“I remember.” Ashton grunted.

Calum giggled, breathless, but the smile stayed pulling at his lips when Ashton met his eyes again. He noticed Calum’s eyes trailing down to his chest, and he made a show of his own breathing, taking a long breath and letting the air out slowly, hearing Calum try to copy the same. It went on for a minute or two, Calum seemingly starting to get a hold of it, sobs breaking his breathing pattern but with much less frequency, the shaking going down to a minimum. Ashton was so focused on the sound of the younger’s breathing, on checking his pulse, that he almost didn’t hear Calum’s mumble.

“...throw up.”

“You feel nauseous? Want me to bring a bucket?” He asked worriedly. But Calum shook his head.

“Not now. That night. Almost puked before.” He chuckled weakly. “Before the tattoo.”

“You never told me that.” Ashton laughed back.

“We were relatively new. Didn’t want you to think I was a mindless, immature kid. Lifelong choices while drunk out of–” A sob ripped out of him, “–out of my arse.” Calum breathed out, closing his eyes for a moment as he took in a shaky breath.

“I love your tattoos, the stories just make them better.” Ashton assured, smiling at him fondly. “Besides, yours turned out good. If you were _that_ drunk you could have ended up with something far more embarrassing. Or badly done.”

“That’s true.” Calum conceded. His pulse was winding down under Ashton’s finger, somehow stabilising. “I had wanted something on my wrist for a while. Missed the feeling of it. Calms me.”

“And you decided to get, very brilliantly, exactly what you were feeling right then. _Alive_.” Ashton added with a small laugh, unable to resist poking some fun at Calum.

“Fuck off” Calum complained, pouting how he could in between bouts of breathing. Ashton just smiled at him, stroking over his cheek. “Michael cried like he was the one getting tattooed.” The younger recalled, quietly huffing out a laugh. Ashton caught him staring at his hand Ashton wasn’t holding, so he let go of his face, reaching for it. He wrapped his fingers over Calum’s fist, bringing it next to their linked hands, leaning down to lay a kiss on both of them. Calum sighed above him, a small whine stuck in the back of his throat.

“I can’t stop it.” Calum murmured. “I can’t–. I can’t _control–”_

“I know.” Ashton nodded, looking back up to him. “I know. You’re doing so good, though. It’ll pass.”

Calum’s lower lip started trembling at that, and Ashton feared again he had fucked up, because there were more tears again welling up on the corner of his eyes.

“My chest. It hurts.” He murmured, his eyes cast down.

“It’ll ease up.” Ashton said, biting his own lip. He hated watching Calum like this. “You want to keep talking?”

Calum took a moment before he nodded, meeting back Ashton’s gaze.

“Remind me how you were feeling when you got the tattoo, babe. Describe it to me.” Ashton asked, smiling softly, his thumb stroking over Calum’s pulse.

“ _Alive_.” Calum said, irony clearly tinting his voice. Ashton rolled his eyes, playfully pushing him. If Calum was well enough to crack jokes, it meant he was at least better than a minute before.

“Come _on_.” Ashton insisted.

“Just felt happy.” Calum whispered, closing his eyes. Ashton would have been worried if it wasn’t for the slight tilt of his lips in a smile. “And free. And young.”

“You’re 23, you’re plenty young.” Ashton snickered.

“Says the old man.” Calum chuckled, opening his eyes, staring straight at him with a smirk. Ashton let it slide. That Calum was talking was a good sign, and that he was laughing was even better. But while his pulse had gone down a bit, it still was way over a normal resting bpm.

“Tell me more.” He asked, trying to keep Calum distracted. Hopefully away from whatever his mind was working on nonstop under the surface.

Calum rolled his eyes, though, spitting quietly, “You’ve already heard this one.”

“Humour me.” Ashton insisted, squeezing his hold on Calum’s wrist. “Come on.”

“It was just me and Michael.” Calum sighed. “Us against the world.” A few tears escaped from his eyes as he blinked, and Ashton felt the urge to reach up to wipe them off. But he waited. “I felt like we could do anything we set our minds to. Like _I_ could do anything when we were together.” Calum finished in a whisper. He frowned, muttering _together_ under his breath, his eyes slowly unfocussing again. He closed them hard, scrunching his face as he shook his head. “I don’t want… Ash, I can’t–.” Another sob wrecked through him, his breathing getting shallow again.

“Okay. Okay. Just. I’m sorry.” Ashton hurried to apologise, his words having again caused an unwanted reaction on Calum. “I’m sorry. We can talk about anything else.”

“I can’t.” Calum shook his head, tensing up, his hands balling into fists where Ashton’s held them. “Can’t–. I _can’t_ do it, Ash.”

“Tell me what you need. I’m here, Cal. Whatever you need.” Ashton repeated, his words sounding incredibly stupid and useless in the situation. There wasn’t much else to do. All attacks subsided in the end. He could help keep Calum distracted from it, draw his attention, but in the end it was just a waiting game.

He kept his grip on Calum’s hands as he bit his lip. Guilt surfaced at having coached Calum through that memory only to have him get bad again. That wasn’t keeping him distracted. But given Calum’s reaction, Ashton was now certain that the younger’s primary fear was getting accepted. Going away. He had said he had felt like he could do anything when he was with Michael. Being away, it seemed, took that away from him.

Calum was trembling again, his eyes closed tight. Ashton felt his own eyes prickle with tears, the feeling of impotence intensifying. He knew the attack would eventually wind down, but he had no clue how long it would take or how to help Calum through it so it wouldn’t be as long.

“Can you stay…?” Calum mumbled, opening his eyes for a moment and meeting Ashton’s “Can you stay with me?” He asked, his lower lip trembling, cheeks wet with the endless streak of tears. He looked so _young_ right then. Ashton’s heart broke.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Ashton soothed him, reaching for his face, thumb brushing over his cheek. “I’m here.”

Calum nodded, another sob wrecking through him, his whole body tensing as he took in shallow breaths, his eyes closing.

Ashton’s heart throbbed. Calum seemed to be trying to actively control his breathing again, but the bouts of crying didn’t allow him much room. Ashton just hoped the minutes would pass quickly.

If Calum’s reaction to that memory of Michael hadn’t given Ashton the key to understanding what had most probably triggered the panic attack, Calum’s question would have. Whatever the result awaiting him in that email, Ashton knew there was a long talk awaiting them. That was, if Calum was even up for it. If he normally retreated into his mind to deal with things first, Ashton didn’t want to imagine what the younger would do to process this. And if he had been scared of going away before, the possibility of having another attack would surely factor into his decision now. And that worried Ashton.

The younger was doing a good job of controlling his breath, though. Ashton could see he was timing his breathing, a copying mechanism Ashton had seen him use a million times, that he himself had ended up adopting. Inhaling four seconds, holding for seven, exhaling for eight. Methodical. But then again, Calum always was. Ashton couldn’t even begin to imagine how the panic attack must feel for him. The younger didn’t do well in situations he couldn’t control, couldn’t rationalise. And this one… This one was one of them. The worst.

Time passed as he stayed there, his fingers always caressing over Calum’s skin where they rested. Observing how the younger tried to fight off whatever was going on inside his mind. Ashton kept reassuring him that it would pass, that he was doing so well. Eventually, Calum’s sobs stopped, eyes dry after shedding so many tears. The trembling hadn’t stopped, though. With how much sweat he could see on Calum’s skin, Ashton would bet he was probably cold. Even if it was over 25º in his room.

“Calum?” He asked tentatively. Calum pursed his lips for a moment, opening his eyes slowly, blinking away some tears that seemed to have stuck in his eyelashes. There was a soft smile pulling at his lips when he met Ashton’s gaze.

“I don’t think you’ve ever called me by my full name that many times in a row.” He sniffled, reaching up to his own face to brush away the last of the tears.

His observation was the last thing Ashton had ever expected to come out of his lips, and it brought out a genuine belly laugh from him. “I didn’t say Thomas once, though.” Ashton rebutted, still giggling.

“You know what I meant.” Calum rolled his eyes. His voice was raspy. And nasal. Ashton offered him a tissue from the box on top of the bedside table wordlessly, smiling softly as Calum muttered a _thank you_ before blowing out his nose.

“I’m sorry.” Calum murmured after the silence stretched for a minute. Ashton just stared at him. It hadn’t been that long since Calum himself had said they should stop apologising to each other. The younger rolled his eyes eventually, and Ashton knew he remembered it too. “ _Okay_.” He conceded. “Still feel it, though.” He added under his breath, looking down at his lap.

Ashton just leaned forward, pushing back a curl and pressing a tight kiss against Calum’s forehead. The younger’s sigh was warm against Ashton’s chest, and Ashton closed his eyes, feeling them welling up. He stayed there until he was sure he had blinked the tears away.

“I feel like shit.” Calum said as he pulled away.

“Well, at least there’s no actual _shit_. That’s a thing that could have happened.” Ashton shrugged, trying to make light of the situation, but it only made Calum widen his eyes in fear.

“ _What_?”

Ashton giggled at his reaction. He then laced his fingers through Calum’s left hand, reaching to scratch behind the younger’s ears with his free hand. Calum sighed, closing his eyes. He looked almost like he was a puppy, a small content smile taking over his face at the light scratches. It made warmth spread through Ashton’s chest. But the tear tracks left in his cheeks had him worried. “You want any water? Food?” He asked, studying him.

But Calum shook his head no, scrunching up his face before muttering, “If I have anything right now it’ll just come back up.” Ashton bit his lip. “I need to…”

“Whatever you need.”

Calum opened his eyes to look at him with a small smile, almost faltering for a moment before he said, “Air. Fresh air.”

Ashton nodded, readily getting up from the bed. “Want to go for a walk? Or to the garden?”

“Garden. I’m too shaky.” Calum admitted, looking down like he was embarrassed. Ashton felt a pang to his chest. He reached for Calum’s hand, helping him up. “Okay. Let’s go, babe.”

He kept his arm around Calum’s back. The younger probably could walk on his own, but Ashton felt better holding him. Besides, Calum looked small in a way that unsettled Ashton, almost like he had shrunk in on himself. He grabbed a hoodie on their way out of the room, just in case Calum got cold when they were outside.

It was a quiet affair, walking down the stairs and out the kitchen towards the back. There was some wind ruffling through the various plants his mum had in there, the air smelling faintly of burnt wood, but also of the small flowers from one of the bushes. Not exactly fresh air, but at least they were outside. Ashton understood that maybe after the attack, Calum needed a space bigger than his tiny childhood room allowed.

Calum shivered as they took a seat on the bench near the back, and Ashton helped him into the hoodie wordlessly, keeping his arm around him after Calum had already settled down. He was leaning on his knees, hiding his face in his hands, and he was still trembling. Ashton rubbed over his back, trying to be patient with him. The younger looked exhausted, his shoulders hunched in. But somehow Ashton knew it would be a long while before Calum went back to sleep.

He had left their phones upstairs. Ashton had considered bringing Calum’s with him, but given the look on Calum’s face before they had left the room, he thought it probably wasn’t the best idea. They could check the email afterwards. Tomorrow. Whenever. There was no hurry.

The sky was thankfully clear tonight, no orangey clouds, but he couldn’t see that many stars. Not with the streetlights of Ashton’s neighbourhood illuminating everything like it was the middle of the day. Ashton wished they could actually see the sky. Maybe that would help Calum. It always did.

“I’m scared.” Calum’s small voice almost made him jump. The statement was obvious, but it still made Ashton’s heart wrench. Calum turned to look at him, his eyes shining again with unfallen tears, biting his lip. “What if it’s another rejection letter?”

Ashton looked at him, sighing, sliding his hand up and down Calum’s back. “More opportunities will come, Cal.”

“But what if they don’t?”

“What if you’ve been accepted?” Ashton asked in return, his eyes flitting between Calum’s. At that, the younger bit his lip harder, looked away.

Ashton looked down at the younger’s lap, where his hands were again clamped in fists. He reached down for one of them, prying it open and lacing their fingers. Calum didn’t react.

“Cal, talk to me.” Ashton pleaded. “You clearly need to talk about this. Please.”

He heard Calum sniffle, turning to brush away his tears with his shoulder before facing him again. The look in his eyes...

“I don’t know what to do.” He admitted, his lower lip trembling. And then he shook his head. “Wait, that’s not it. I don’t know what I _want_ to do.” He said, closing his eyes for a moment. “I’m so fucking scared of getting it, not getting it. Both options terrify me.” His voice was but a whisper at the end of the sentence.

“Babe…”

Calum shook his head, sniffling again. Ashton squeezed his hand, his thumb rubbing circles over the back of it. Calum was back to leaning on his knees, staring down at the ground.

“When I asked you last year if you were scared about finishing your studies, you told me you weren’t.” Ashton found himself saying. It was probably the worst idea to bring that up, but he had still said it.

Calum only chuckled tiredly, “I know.”

Ashton took a breath, letting it out slowly. He hated seeing Calum like this.

“You’ve always been so _sure_ , Cal.” He whispered. “What’s wrong? Tell me how I can help, please.”

“I don’t know, Ash.” Calum sighed, shrugging as he met his face. “I don’t even know what’s _wrong_ , so I couldn’t tell you.” Calum murmured, shaking his head and leaning back on the bench, looking up at the sky. He raised his free hand to rub over his face, pinching his eyes. Ashton stared at him, waiting for him to say something else. Anything else. “I’m not even sure what I like anymore.” Calum said with a voice so small it broke Ashton’s heart.

“Is this one of the reasons that makes you doubt going to Prague?”

Calum nodded, meeting his eyes for a second and then looking back up to the sky. There were tears falling down his eyes slowly.

“I don’t know if I want to do gravitational waves or cosmology or work on designing satellite orbits. I just-. _I don’t know_.” He said, his voice breaking at the end. “There are too many options and I can’t choose. I don’t know how to _choose_. I don’t know what I _like_.”

“That’s okay.” Ashton said gently. Calum looked back at him, almost like he hadn’t expected that answer. “You know, love, you don’t have to accept the placement if you aren’t sure about it anymore.”

“Don’t I?” Calum asked, sighing. He sat back up, looking at Ashton like he didn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Of course not, Cal.” Ashton replied, frowning. “You don’t have to. It’s okay to take a step back.”

“I already did that once, Ash.” Calum shook his head. “I’m arriving a year late into the job market. I can’t do that again. No one will hire me.”

“You can’t know that.” Ashton said. “It’s _okay_ , Cal. It would be okay.”

Calum looked like he wanted to believe him but couldn’t find it in himself to do so. He held his gaze for a moment before looking away, shrinking in on himself.

“Maybe I should’ve applied for a PhD.” Calum breathed.

Ashton was taken aback. Calum had never expressed an interest in continuing studying. Well, he _had –_ after all, it was who he _was_ –. But it had only been through any vacancy he could get at Cavendish. Through this grant at Prague. But never as a PhD candidate. He had only ever talked about getting a job. This now came as a surprise, and Ashton didn’t exactly know if it was just an idea he had spat out because he was feeling rattled after having had the attack or if it actually ran deeper than that.

“Do you want to apply for one?” Ashton asked softly, trying not to scare Calum away from the question.

“It’s too late.” Calum sighed. He combed part of his hair back, his hand tensing for a moment, then pulling on it before he let go, fingers trembling as he lowered them back again to his lap. “All the deadlines for University Trusts funded ones for 2020 have already passed. I’m already taking a year off. No University will like that. They’ll dismiss me. No Doctor would want to take me on. They wouldn’t take me seriously.” Calum finished in a mumble, something Ashton couldn’t put his finger on tainting his tone. “It’s not like last time, Ash, when I had a gap year before college volunteering.” He turned to face him. “This one was about me wanting to find a job and failing and then coming back crawling to academic life.”

“It wouldn’t be like that.”

Calum only chuckled, “You know, one of my professors told me I should be really careful choosing to leave. Cavendish wouldn’t have me.” Calum shrugged. “No university would have _me_.” Calum whispered.

Ashton identified it now. Resignation. But he still didn’t understand why.

“You didn’t say you didn’t want to do it.” Ashton pointed out instead. “Just listed reasons not to. You didn’t say you didn’t want to apply, Calum.”

“I _can’t_ do it, Ash.” Calum insisted.

He sounded tired. He probably was, and Ashton felt awful for insisting. But if it was something Calum wanted, if it would help him out of whatever he was going through, he had to.

“Cal.”

“It’s too much money, okay?” Calum asserted, sighing and then looking away, conflicted, before he met back Ashton’s gaze. “And even if I could, if I had the money, if any university would take _me_ , I don’t even know if I want to spend three years researching. _Three_ _years_ is way longer than six months, Ash.” Calum finished, sniffling a bit. Ashton reached to brush the solitary tear tracking down his cheek away, and Calum smiled the fraction of a second before he grew back to serious. “And even if Cavendish would take me so I wouldn’t be far from home, their lines of research... I don’t know if I like them.”

“What are they?”

Calum just stared at him like he didn’t believe Ashton was really asking that, but Ashton shrugged, “Just tell me.”

Calum took a breath, and then he pursing his lips before he gave in, “There’s one on exoplanets, then a couple on cosmology, another on hardware and software development-” Calum grimaced, and Ashton knew from passing mentions before that Calum _detested_ that kind of work. “... also I think there was one on galaxy formation and evolution.” Calum finished reluctantly.

Ashton felt the corner of his lips turn up, incapable of containing the small smile at the way Calum had remembered all of that. So this hadn’t been a spur-of-the-moment comment. He really had been thinking about it before. Which meant he probably _wanted_ to apply for one, despite all the excuses he had put up. Ashton felt like Calum had probably had the conversation they were having right now with himself countless times before. Because that was what he did. Analysed every single possible outcome, setback and obstacle before making a decision. It was just _him_ , and Ashton couldn’t stop the fondness from spreading out from his chest at the notion even if he tried. Even in a conversation like the one they were having.

When he let the silence go on for a beat longer than normal, Calum turned to face him, eyebrows raised.

“What?” Calum chuckled.

“You were able to recite that from memory.” Ashton said, giggling a bit afterwards.

“Because my professors wouldn’t shut up about it all through last year. They’re still the same.” Calum argued, but Ashton knew he knew exactly what Ashton was getting at, and that it irked him a bit that he had seen through him so quickly.

“Cal. It’s okay if you want to apply for it now.” Ashton said, voice soft but completely serious. He slid his hand up Calum’s arm, squeezing softly. “We can figure it out.”

Calum frowned, looking at him like he didn’t understand. “What do you mean?”

“The money. We can figure it out, Cal.” Ashton assured him.

Calum stared at him, his mouth opening and closing like a fish.

“No.”

“Cal.”

“ _No_.” Calum stressed.

“Calum, we can perfectly discuss–”

“I said no!” Calum suddenly exploded, immediately afterwards raising his hand to cover his mouth, almost like he couldn’t believe he had just yelled at Ashton. His eyes were wide, scared. Ashton stared at him, swallowing as he held his gaze. The way Calum seemed to deflate, a small sob escaping him, had Ashton sliding closer, determined not to have Calum thinking he had scared him away. Calum just looked at him with his lower lip trembling, “Please. Not now.”

“I _want_ to talk about this.” Ashton said firmly. “You’re not getting out of this conversation.”

Calum just stared at him. They butted heads on a daily basis on insignificant matters; it was part of the fabric of their relationship. But they didn’t usually argue like this, or raised their voices. So Ashton knew that besides already feeling bad about everything else going on inside his mind, Calum had to be already piling on his shoulders extreme guilt about his outburst. And that was the last thing Ashton wanted, but they _were_ going to talk about it. Whether Calum liked it or not. 

Ashton kept holding his gaze until Calum sighed, looking down. “I know I’m not getting out of it. Not with you on the other end.” He mumbled. “Just… Please not now. We only have one day left before we go back to Scotland and I don’t want it to end like this.” Calum stopped for a moment, swallowing, before he added in a small voice, “I already fucked it up with that shitshow upstairs and now this. I keep… _interrupting_ your family time. I don’t want to have us fight on top of that.” He finished, looking back to him.

“And why would it be a fight?” Ashton huffed, then realised his exasperated tone implied otherwise, and forced himself to soften it. “It is not a fight, Cal.”

“ _Please_.” Calum repeated. “Just let it go, Ash.”

Ashton took a deep breath, staring into his eyes for another moment before he sighed, “Okay.”

“Thanks.”

Ashton felt weird leaving it like that, but he knew they would end up discussing it. And everything around it, and the reasons why Calum had ended up suffering a panic attack. He was okay with letting it cool, letting them cool before approaching the subject again, but there was one thing he couldn’t let slide.

“Cal.”

The younger just hummed, not even bothering to look at him. So Ashton reached for his chin, cupping his face. Once he had Calum’s attention, he said gently, “That thing that happened up there? That wasn’t a shitshow.” He could see Calum’s intention to protest, so he glared at him. “A panic attack is a very real, extremely frightening experience. And I get why you would think it was a shitshow, but it _wasn’t_. And despite what you may think, there’s neither anything to apologise for nor anything to feel embarrassed about. Not with me.” Ashton felt his own eyes well up with tears, and he swallowed, trying to find the strength not to let them fall. “Am I clear?”

Calum’s lower lip was trembling like it did when the younger was fighting off tears. But he still nodded. Ashton nodded back before sliding his hand down to Calum’s shoulder, pulling him close and enveloping him in a tight hug, the way Ashton had been wanting to do since he woke up to find Calum in that state.

“I’m okay now.” Calum mumbled against his shoulder. “I’m okay, Ash. I think.”

Ashton sniffled, just tightening his arms around him in answer, a small whine escaping him when he felt Calum’s arms sneaking around his middle, returning the hug.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, and Ashton let his own tears fall silently, thanking the opportunity to relieve some feelings from his chest. Calum hadn’t said a word again, but he tightened the hug every few moments, his face buried in Ashton’s shoulder.

“Can we go back inside? I’m cold.” Calum whispered after a while.

“Yeah. Of course.” Ashton pulled away, leaning to press a kiss on Calum’s cheek, smiling softly afterwards.

“Ash.”

“Hm?”

“I’m kinda hungry now.” Calum informed. And it brought out a giggle out of Ashton.

“Of course you’re hungry.” Ashton laughed, leaning again for another peck on his cheek. “How about I prepare you something to eat while you take a hot shower?” He offered.

But Calum’s face fell. “I, uh…” He scrunched his nose, looking down at the ground. He seemed hesitant. Ashton knew he wanted to say something, but he–.

Ashton’s train of thought was interrupted when Calum grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers, and glancing back at him. He had some unshed tears in his eyes, which still looked scared and wide. He looked way younger than usual. And Ashton understood what he was asking. After all, he had already asked him during the attack.

“Okay.” He nodded.

Once they were out of the shower, Ashton having helped Calum into the softest worn down pyjamas he had found and the hoodie, he walked down to the kitchen. Calum wasn’t too far behind, sitting on the chair closest to the counter, gaze a bit lost and shoulders drawn in. It was the middle of the night, and Ashton felt a bit guilty about the noise they could be making, disturbing the others while they slept. He tried to be careful.

Ashton could have easily made them hot chocolate. He had seen Calum prepare it more than enough times. But chocolate was a stimulant, and Calum needed anything but. He settled on his mum’s remedy for everything, chamomile tea, and turned on the kettle. While he waited, he searched the fridge for something he could offer Calum, until his eyes fell on the greek yoghurt. He poured it into a bowl, then washed some blueberries before mixing them in, adding a bit of honey. Calum needed nutrients, but he shouldn’t eat anything too heavy.

“Here you go.” He said as he placed it in front of Calum, sending him a smile.

Calum looked at it, then looked up to meet his eyes, “Thank you.”

Ashton waved him off, but as he was turning away to get the chamomile tea, Calum’s hand on his wrist stopped him. “I am… _thank you_.”

Ashton tried to ignore the rush of feelings in his chest, just nodding and reaching for Calum’s hand with his free one, squeezing it.

They were quiet while Calum ate. Ashton poured the hot water into two cups. After all, he himself needed something comforting too, and the taste of chamomile tea with lemon always brought calming memories. His eyes kept wandering back to Calum, observing him as he raised his spoon methodically. He looked… not exactly right.

“I didn’t think it would feel like that.” Calum whispered, eyes trained on the bowl.

Ashton waited for him to elaborate, but the younger only dipped in his spoon again, taking another scoop of the yoghurt.

“The attack?” Ashton ventured.

Calum hummed, nodding. He was still staring at the bowl.

“You’ll probably feel the aftermath of it for a few hours, maybe a couple of days.” Ashton said softly.

“ _Great_.” Calum mumbled, the spoon clanking against the ceramic as he filled it up again, stuffing it in his mouth.

Ashton reached for his free hand, squeezing it, leaving his own covering it. Calum didn’t meet his eyes, but he did turn his hand, allowing for Ashton to lace their fingers.

He finished eating not long after, Ashton sliding his mug towards him before he took a sip of his own. He burnt his tongue a bit, cursing under his breath. It shouldn’t have been that hot. Several minutes had already passed since he served it. He supposed the heat in the room had kept it hot for longer. 

“Ash?”

“Yeah?” He let his mug back down on the table, looking up to find Calum worrying his lip as he looked at him.

“How–.” The younger started, his voice catching right off the bat and making him stop, clear his throat before trying again. “How could you leave all this behind?” Calum’s voice was small, his eyes looking around the room before settling back on Ashton’s. “It’s something I will never be able to understand.” He mumbled.

Ashton held his gaze, taking a breath before answering, “I needed to get away, Cal.”

“I know that, but…” He trailed off, swallowing before he added, “You grew up here. Your family is here. You had a whole _life_ here before you came to the UK. Before we even met. How does that… how does that fit?” Calum finished quietly.

“Cal.”

“I’m not… bothered by it.” Calum rushed to clarify. His eyes told Ashton otherwise, because he looked conflicted. But it was more on the… self-loathing side. “I’m just… I’ve seen how much you love this place, Ash. I know how much you’ve missed it. Missed your mum. Lauren and Harry. Otto.” Calum went on, his other hand coming to rest on top of their joined ones. He was staring down at them, his eyes a little unfocused. “Are you really sure you want to live permanently back in the UK?” Calum asked hesitantly.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Ashton frowned.

“Ash.”

“It’s not like I’ve never thought about coming back. I will not lie to you about that.” Ashton admitted. And he had. But that wasn’t to say he thought it would be a good idea, or that he even preferred that to–, “But Cal. _Our_ life is back home.” Ashton stressed, squeezing his hand.

Calum met his eyes again, his fingers playing over Ashton’s hand on the table. “Your family is here. Otto’s here.” He insisted with a small voice.

“I know that, Cal.” Ashton sighed. “I also have family back home.”

And yeah, Ashton had missed his mum and siblings, Otto, like crazy. He was going to miss them like crazy once they got back. Ashton also knew his mood was beginning to take a dive again, the closer they got to Christmas’ Eve –which, now that he realised, was already here, because it was well past midnight. Which meant they had little more than a day left in Sydney. The notion saddened him, but he also couldn’t wait to get back to their life. To get back _home_ and have days in with Calum. To go out for drinks at The Eagle after one of Calum’s shifts. To have breakfast with the unit after a particularly hard night shift. To have Michael and Grace and Luke over for dinner. To take Calum out for lunch at the tea garden in Grantchester. Their entire life was back there.

“You moved away so quickly after Bec’s death, Ash.” Calum mused, his fingers stopping for a moment before they started caressing up and down Ashton’s forearm. It tickled, but Ashton endured it because he liked the way it felt when the tickling faded away. “You did it to run from here. I’m just not sure you ever considered if you were making that move permanent.” Calum stated, looking back up to meet his eyes.

“Maybe I didn’t, back then. But it doesn’t change anything now.” Ashton shrugged, reaching with his free hand to hold Calum’s, squeezing his hold on them both. “Cal, I love you. Fuck, I want to spend the rest of my life _with you_. I don’t care _where_.” Ashton declared.

“You don’t care?” Calum arched an eyebrow.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Ashton let out a breathy chuckle, shaking his head. Then he leaned over, leaving a kiss on Calum’s hands before pulling away, finding Calum flustered, but with a small smile adorning his lips. “Cal, I just meant that our life is in Cambridge. Our _home_ is in Cambridge. The one we’ve _built together_.” Ashton said, feeling his own heart skipping a beat, knowing there had to be some light blush on his cheeks. Calum was staring at him, the smile still there, but there was also something else in his eyes. Ashton thought he knew what it was. “And in the event of you getting a job or placement elsewhere, I am up for relocating. I’ve told you that before. We can build our home anywhere.” Calum closed his eyes for a moment, and Ashton just noticed there were a couple of tears slowly sliding down his cheek. Ashton gave a squeeze to his hand again, smiling at him when Calum opened his eyes, “Just as long as it’s together, ey?”

“Are you sure?” Calum asked. “Is that really how you feel?”

“Yeah.” Ashton nodded. He brought their hands close to his mouth again, pressing a tight kiss against them before letting go. Then got up from the chair and sat on the one to Calum’s left, so he could be closer to him. “It _is_ hard for me, being away. But Cambridge… Cambridge is inspiring and beautiful, and I love it there. It is not Sydney. But it wouldn’t feel _right_ if it was.” He finished slowly, reaching for Calum’s hand. “I don’t know if I’m explaining myself.”

“I think I understand. The logic and your reasoning.” Calum nodded. But he still looked conflicted, almost hesitating before he admitted, “I can’t say I feel the same way about Scotland.”

“I know _that_ , Cal.” Ashton chuckled softly. Using his free hand to cup Calum’s face, stroking his cheek with his thumb, “I know you love your country, and you would –don’t you dare deny it–, you would love to live there given the chance.” Ashton giggled.

“I do miss it.” Calum said, looking down for a moment. “Is that even okay? For me to… say that.” He asked, meeting back Ashton’s eyes.

“Of course it is, Calum.” Ashton reassured him. “We’ve been together for over a year, it would be bad if this came as a shock to me.” He added with a small laugh. Calum didn’t look convinced, though.

“But I didn’t _ask_ you what you wanted. I didn’t think about it, Ash.” Calum said, biting his lower lip. “We’ve never talked about it.”

“I think I did mention this, early on. Or at least I told you Sydney didn’t feel like home anymore.” Ashton said. He did remember the conversation they had had that first night dining with Calum’s parents last December. He could’ve sworn he mentioned it then. 

“That’s not me _asking_.” Calum said stubbornly. He had a look in his eyes that Ashton hated, almost like he was marking him not having raised the topic as a personal mistake. And it wasn’t.

“Don’t blame yourself for this, Cal. There’s nothing there.” Ashton sighed.

“But how can I ask you to give up Sydney?”

“But that’s the thing, Cal, you’re not _asking_.” Ashton insisted. This wasn’t an issue for him, never had been. And he wasn’t going to let Calum think it was. Not even for a second. “Me leaving Sydney behind? It’s not new. It has nothing to do with you, with us. I gave up Sydney long ago, before we even met. It’s not a decision I made because of our relationship.” He tried to explain, noticing that Calum followed his words even if he didn’t look quite convinced. “I miss this, yeah. But it’s not _home_ anymore. Just the place I grew up in.” He finished slowly.

“But you’re away from your family, from Otto.”

Ashton resisted the urge to roll his eyes, knowing Calum wasn’t doing it on purpose. He probably was still in a vulnerable state, and given by how much he was insisting, this too may have been weighing on his mind. Ashton wondered if it somehow had contributed to his anxiety along with everything else, unavoidably leading to the attack. He wondered how many more things had had Calum worried.

“I may not be able to talk to them every day, but I don’t think that would happen even if we lived in the same city.” He shrugged, trying to get Calum to come around to his point of view. “Calum, I’ve talked about this with my mum. She understands. Even threw in a complaint about how we were going to raise our kids far from her, but then she said it just gives her an excuse to travel.” Ashton chuckled, delighted when he saw a smile returning to Calum’s face at the mention of their future children. “And Otto knows Sydney’s not… It’s not home. He’s okay with it, he told me himself.” Ashton added, hoping it would help Calum would stop feeling like he was. This wasn’t anything he should be adding to his already clearly overwhelmed conscience.

“Lauren and Harry.” He still pointed out.

“They’ll get used to the idea, I’ll talk to them.” Ashton assured him. “Lauren probably already knows and understands, she’s just needing time to process it. And Harry, well. I left for uni when he was 8, left Australia when he was 13. He’s okay with it.”

Calum studied him, holding his breath for a moment before he exhaled, nodding. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Ashton leaned in, nuzzling his nose, prompting a giggle out of the younger. Which, to be honest, was music to Ashton’s ears.

“I’m sorry for insisting so much.” Calum mumbled when his giggling faded. “My mind, I’m…” He trailed off, and Ashton just shook his head.

“I know.” He assured him.

Calum held his gaze for a moment before he threw his arms over his shoulders, almost squeezing the life out of Ashton. But it only made Ashton return the hug even harder.

They finished their tea in relative silence, Ashton leaning over from time to time to press a kiss to Calum’s cheek only to see him smile. He looked completely worn down, dark patches under his eyes, and there was that faint trembling he couldn’t really shake. Ashton wondered where his mind had gone back to. Probably the attack. Or any of the things that had led right to it.

He couldn’t say Calum was short-tempered, he probably was the most patient, put together person Ashton had ever met. But he knew underneath the surface Calum’s mind was almost always in overdrive. And he also knew that the younger’s habit of pushing everything down so that it wouldn’t affect his day-to-day life took a toll on Calum. So no, he wasn’t exactly prone to outbursts, but when the anxiety piled up, he could explode. Worst thing was, until now, it had just been screaming at the top of his lungs on a hike, or kicking the wall next to their parking spot. Not a panic attack. And it worried Ashton.

And it worried him even more that it could happen again. Even more if Calum didn’t talk about whatever was going on in his mind. So Ashton hated himself for this, especially after seeing the look on Calum’s pleading face as he asked him to drop the subject before, but he couldn’t _not_ talk about it.

“I’m sorry, I can’t let the PhD thing go. Much less after seeing you like that.” He breathed out, scared to look at Calum, just knowing the look of betrayal he must have on his face. But contrary to his expectations, Calum just looked tired. Ashton slid his chair even closer, the leg clanking against Calum’s chair. “Please talk to me, Cal. If you think you want to keep on studying, we can figure the money, everything, out. We can take a look at that option. And I’m not accepting a no from you. Money’s not a good enough reason.” The PhD was one thing. The others, Ashton expected, would come out gradually as Calum grew more comfortable.

The younger stared at him for a while, before he licked his lips, taking a breath and nodding. “I know it’s not a good enough reason.” Ashton frowned, not expecting him to give in that quickly, but Calum held a finger to his lips before he could say anything. “Look, It’s not just about...” He trailed off, looking like he was fighting with himself, struggling to go on. “Ash, I’m -.” He took another deep breath, both his hands now resting on his knees, his knuckles white in tension. “I’m having doubts about my career as well.” He admitted with a small voice.

“ _Oh_.”

Well, Ashton had certainly not expected _that_.

“It goes deeper than that, I think.” Calum added, his right index starting to scratch over his knee until Ashton placed his hand gently over his. “I, uh…” He trailed off, looking nervous. Ashton squeezed his hand, to which Calum let out a small sigh, then turned to face him. “When I get like this, I usually just focus on someone else, right?” He said. Ashton nodded. “It helps. _Helping_ someone else helps me. I feel better. I have time to think over my shit, but not enough to, to overthink, you know? Because my focus is elsewhere.”

“I know that, babe.” Ashton smiled at him, but Calum was beginning to fidget, and it worried him.

“And then, like, I see you–” Calum continued, gesturing to him with his free hand “–going to work every day, and I get so filled with love for you, for what you do, Ash.” Ashton felt himself blush, but the way Calum’s eyes were shining was doing something to his heart. “You actually _help_ people. You have a direct impact on their lives, what you’re doing _matters_.” Calum finished, his voice quieting down. But Ashton still detected that same tone he had before, and then it clicked.

He took a breath, closing his eyes for a moment before letting it out slowly, opening his eyes to look back at Calum. “I think I see where this is going.”

“I am that predictable, aren’t I?” Calum huffed a humourless laugh, letting his head fall down into Ashton’s shoulder.

It made Ashton giggle a little. “No. I just _know_ you, Calum.” He leant to leave a kiss on the crown of Calum’s head, pulling away as he buried his hand on Calum’s hair, scratching lightly. “I _love_ you. And I have begun to notice a pattern in how you think.”

“That’s literally the definition of being predictable.” Calum giggled softly. He stayed leaning on Ashton’s shoulder for a few more seconds before he straightened up, eyes fixed on their joined hands on his lap. “I don’t know if I’ll be happy doing something where there’s no impact on the people around me. Where I’m not doing everything I can to help people, whether volunteering or otherwise.” He admitted quietly. “Wouldn’t that be selfish? Continuing to study just because _I_ could like it? But, if I do choose that, I wouldn’t get… I wouldn’t get the chance to, to help people. I _need_ that. Which is selfish, too. I’m just… It’s another loop. I’m back to when I decided to volunteer out of selfish reasons. It’s uh… Doesn’t matter how I look at it, I’m just…” He sighed dejectedly.

Ashton looked at him, not really knowing where to start. But he could pretty much guess how Calum had ended up the way he had. These were too broad, too complicated questions, and Ashton knew Calum analysed every single option before making a decision, trying to find the perfect –the _right_ – solution. But this situation and everything surrounding it… It could make anyone lose their minds trying to find the _right_ answer. Because there wasn’t one. Not any option was perfect. And it broke Ashton’s heart to see Calum like this, because there really wasn’t a perfect solution, and he knew the younger didn’t do well when he couldn’t find the answer. But at least there were some things Ashton could help out with.

“Calum, doing research _is_ important.” Ashton spoke softly, thumb caressing over Calum’s hand. “It’s the key to advancing any society. You _could_ help people that way.”

Calum sniffled, then met his eyes. “Yeah, like people outside of the field would ever read about my dissertation. Or even the discoveries made by the Laboratory.” Calum mumbled. “Besides, even if I don’t take that into account, there will always be people who need _actual_ help. Astrophysics isn’t exactly helpful to anyone. It wouldn’t even help me.”

“But you love it, Cal. Maybe getting back into it is exactly what you need. You never know.” Ashton said. “And if it gets hard-”

“Not if, _when_.”

Ashton closed his eyes for a moment before he corrected himself, “ _-when_ it gets hard, you know you can come to me.” And then he added, if albeit hesitantly, “Or, don’t kill me for this, please. You can... go to your G.P.” He finished, softly.

“I... No, no. You’re right.” Calum nodded, and a couple of tears slid down his right cheek, Ashton hurrying to brush them off. He smiled, but it was soon falling off his lips. “I should definitely do that. I should have done that months ago.”

Ashton swallowed, suddenly noticing his own eyes had misted over. He blinked a couple times, struggling to get rid of it.

“You’ve wanted to be working in research for as long as I’ve known you, and probably for _years_ before that. And you love studying, Cal. A PhD could allow you _both,_ if you decide you want to go for one.”

“I can’t, Ash.”

“Yes, you can. The money is not an issue here, you understand?” Ashton insisted. He couldn’t believe Calum was back on that. “And you could help people. What if you formulate the next physics law that changes our understanding of the world?”

Calum laughed at the notion, shaking his head at Ashton.

“Besides, universities would be stupid not to admit you.” Ashton tried. “God, your _mind_ , Cal. You never cease to amaze me, you know that?”

Calum bit his upper lip the way he did whenever Ashton complimented him and he didn’t know what to do, flustered. But it didn’t take long for that to fade as well, his expression back to resigned. “That doesn’t mean I can get a PhD after a year off, Ash.”

“Shouldn’t your grades and thesis and a personal interview decide that?”

“It’s unlikely I’d even get an interview.” Calum chuckled, his laugh with a twinge of manic so sudden that made Ashton frown. “I should know. I know the professors. I turned them down when they asked me if I was interested in a PhD. I think they’ll remember that.”

“You turned them down? When?” Ashton stared at him, but Calum wasn’t even meeting his eyes. “Wait, it’s not important.” Ashton backtracked. “They _know_ you, Cal. If they offered you once, they can give you the opportunity again.”

This time, Calum did look at him. Letting out a small laugh before he shook his head. “No, you’re not getting what I’m trying to say. It was one professor, he offered to be my supervisor. But the interview I would have to go through? He warned me about his colleagues. It’s unlikely they’d give my application a second look. Because one, I turned down my professor and without a supervisor they just dismiss applications. And two, they want people who have stayed active in the field.” Calum looked like he wanted to add something else, so Ashton waited. “Also…”

He looked like he was struggling to say whatever it was, like he didn’t really want to say it out loud. Ashton squeezed his hand, searching for his eyes, but Calum was avoiding his eyes. He bit his lip, his knee starting to go up and down quickly as Ashton observed him.

“Also the, um, statistics of ethnic minority admissions in Cambridge –or any other top university– aren’t exactly stellar.” Calum finally stated carefully, reticent before he added, “Why do you think I needed to have a reason for my gap year before applying to uni?”

 _Oh_.

“Fuck.” Ashton exhaled, his mouth staying open as he tried to process it all. He had been so, so stupid. “I’m so, so sorry Cal. That was… _I_ was–.” He stopped himself before he said something that could fuck it up even more. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Calum said, shaking his head.

“No, it’s not.” Ashton stressed. He couldn’t believe he had been such a fucking moron. “I should’ve… I’m sorry.” He apologised again. He felt stupid, not finding any other words. Calum looked at him like it wasn’t really important, but Ashton just couldn’t stop thinking about when Calum told him last year about volunteering. He had had it _so wrong._

“I actually was more worried about the money.” Calum confessed, letting out a small nervous laugh. “With these schools, if you have the grades and you have the money, and you have a supervisor backing you, they’ll take you.” He shrugged. “But as I said, it’s not… It’s not only that.”

Ashton closed his eyes for a moment, thinking that he should maybe circle back to that fact Calum had quickly glossed over, but the younger started talking again.

“I should just take Prague anyway, if they did offer me a place. It’s the most reasonable course of action.” He sighed.

“Cal…”

“No.” He insisted. “It is. In any capacity. Even if I decide to apply for a PhD, they will see at least I was doing _something_ during this year. Research in the field.” Calum explained, but he was still fidgeting, his knee having never really stopped. His breathing was beginning to quicken, and Ashton just tightened his hold on his hand, trying to provide at least some sense of… Some sense of security? He wasn’t even sure anymore.

“I’m just… I’m scared, Ashton.” Calum admitted, biting his lower lip as he blinked a couple of times, and Ashton just noticed he had tears on his cheeks again. He heard Calum swallowing loudly, lips trembling before he murmured, “And I feel like a joke.” 

“Love…” Ashton tried, but Calum just shook his head, closed his eyes and took out his right hand from under Ashton’s, raising it to his face and pinching the bridge of his nose. The trembling was extending through his entire body. When he finally opened his eyes, meeting Ashton’s gaze, the look in his eyes made something inside Ashton break.

“All that shit I said back at Dalmellington?” Calum suddenly broke down, sniffling as he used the back of his hand to wipe the tears away. “All that shit about how we couldn’t stop living just because we were scared? Who the fuck did I think I was when I said that…” He finished, his voice faltering, breaking away from Ashton’s gaze and looking down.

“You’re not a joke.” Ashton said slowly, feeling his chest constricting. “You hear me? You’re not a joke, Calum.” He noticed Calum running his tongue over his teeth underneath his lip, barely having any other reaction to Ashton’s words. “You’re just at an impasse in your life. You’re still _you_.” Ashton tried, brushing his thumb over Calum’s hand in his, hoping the younger would look back up. “You’re still you, the most caring, thoughtful, selfless person I’ve ever met. A kick-ass scientist, a passionate astrophysicist. And wonderfully _human_.”

Calum let out a humourless chuckle, using his shoulder to wipe away some tears before mumbling, “I don’t even feel like _me_ anymore.”

Ashton closed his eyes slowly, letting his own couple of tears fall, thinking he had been so stupid not to ask Calum before. He had known he was going through something, but Calum always came to him in the end. Perhaps this time Ashton should have insisted. But it wasn’t the right time to be thinking about how guilty he felt. The most important thing right now was Calum.

“That’s okay, too.” He assured Calum, bringing up their joined hands, circling Calum’s with his and placing a gentle kiss atop Calum’s. “I wish I knew how to take that feeling away.” He whispered.

Calum let out a pained sound, finally looking back up. His eyes were already bloodshot again, his lower lip trembling. “You help.” Calum offered weakly. “Being with you.” He blinked a couple of times, more tears falling down the corner of his eyes. “I always feel more like me when I’m with you.” Calum smiled softly, but then he was facing away, adding in a quiet voice, “Just not when I’m failing to see a clear pattern for my future.”

“Cal.”

“I’m just overwhelmed, Ashton.” Calum took in a shaky breath. “I–. I feel like I should have everything figured out, you know? I should be working, _adulting_. I should have everything under control.” He said, and Ashton wanted to cut in, but Calum kept talking. “Instead, I just feel like a child. And at the same time I feel like I would love to be back to actually being an actual child. Not having all these giant ass choices in front of me that are going to determine my entire life.” He stopped for a moment to take a quick breath as he looked at Ashton. “But then I think about you, think about us. Our big choices don’t make me feel that way. I see a clear path for us. But everything else in my life? It’s tangled up and out of focus. Like, I think about applying for a PhD, having to choose a topic.” With every word he was working himself up, speaking quicker, almost like he was trying to get the words out at the same speed as his brain was going. “And going through the process, and budgeting it, having to ask my parents for money, and working there, and I–. I feel my throat closing up, and I just think about everything that could trigger my anxiety and I can’t think straight, right? Or, if I do go to Prague, like, I really think I should if I’m in, then I think of being there. On my own, away from all of you. Because I just… I don’t think I could _do_ that. Because there would be triggers there, too, wouldn’t there be? And no way to escape my own mind when it… When it gets difficult. None of you there. I would be alone. Away. Far. Just on my own. Which didn’t use to scare me, you know? But now I...” He finally trailed off, almost out of breath as he sobbed. Ashton could do nothing but stare at him, silent tears falling down his own cheeks. “And it’s, and it’s a loop. I don’t know how to break it. And I don’t–. I feel like I _can’t_ break it because... my mind’s not _mine_ anymore. I can’t even choose because I don’t _know_ what would be best. I don’t know. And it’s loud. Everything’s just dark, no light. It’s… _frustrating_. And terrifying.”

Calum suddenly went still, hyperventilating with a blank stare, looking in Ashton’s direction but almost like he wasn’t seeing him. Ashton took a moment to take it all in, Calum’s entire tirade. He was clearly still shaken by the panic attack, and Ashton knew having talked about everything hadn’t made it exactly easy for him to calm down again. And he hated himself for having insisted, but Calum having opened up must have made some good, even if it didn’t look like it right now. Tears were falling down Calum’s cheeks, slowly, and Ashton’s eyes followed one until it reached his lips, Calum doing nothing to stop it.

“Okay.” Ashton said.

It took Calum a few seconds to react, but he did end up meeting his eyes, sniffling before he asked, “Okay, what?”

Ashton got up, gesturing to Calum to do the same. “Come, we’re doing something.”

“It’s the middle of the night.” Calum stated. He looked confused.

Ashton shook his head, offering his hand, waiting for Calum to take it. Which he did, he always did. But he was still staring at Ashton like he owed him a proper explanation. “I know. Don’t care. We should probably get dressed, though. Or not. I don’t know.” Ashton said, pinching his own eyes, trying to remember where the keys to the car were. He thought he had seen them on… He had seen them in the living room. Table.

“But these are comfy.” He heard Calum say quietly behind him. Ashton started walking towards the living room, letting out a sigh of relief when he saw the keys were in fact on the living room table. If they had been at his mum’s room –despite knowing their whole conversation had probably awoken all of them up, if Calum’s panic attack hadn’t already–, his vague idea of a plan wouldn’t have been viable.

He heard Calum’s shuffling steps coming closer, his hand tentatively wrapping itself on Ashton’s forearm. “It’s three in the morning, Ashton. Where the hell are we going?” Calum asked, his voice still thick, but way less breathy.

“Just trust me.” Ashton asked as he turned around, meeting Calum’s eyes again, placing his free hand over his. “Come on, you can come in your pyjamas. I’m not changing, either.”

Calum stared at him for a long minute, some tears still gathering at the corner of his eyes. Then he mumbled, “Okay.”

* * *

Silence reigned over them in the car, and it wasn’t exactly a comfortable one. Ashton could feel the tension in the air, simmering the longer he drove. And even though Calum’s breathing had gone back down to relatively normal, he could hear him sniffling every few minutes. Ashton just needed to concentrate on the road, because it had been a pretty long while since he last took it, and the last turn he needed to take was almost hidden if he remembered correctly. It didn’t help either that the lights along the way were turned off.

“We’re almost there.” He offered up quietly.

“Almost where?” Calum asked after a beat.

Ashton chanced a look to his left, finding Calum hugging his knees, the hoodie’s sleeves over his hands. He looked cold, and Ashton frowned.

“I’m just searching for a spot that doesn’t have too much light pollution.” Ashton admitted. Then he reached over to turn on the heater. Even if he felt weird doing it in the middle of summer.

“Thank you.” Calum muttered.

Ashton didn’t know if he was referring to the heater or to Ashton driving them into the middle of nowhere.

He took the road that he recalled led to a lodging area, but he also remembered a clearing a bit after passing it where he could probably park. After all, they didn’t require much for stargazing, and he was totally planning to copy Calum’s idea from last year that they just take a seat on the bonnet. They hadn’t passed a single car on their way there, and Ashton wasn’t surprised to find there were none along this road either. After a couple of minutes, he saw the clearing, so he put on the blinker and turned right, bringing the car slowly to a stop.

He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, closing his eyes for a moment. Then he killed the engine and unlocked his seatbelt, swiftly getting out of the car and walking around it to the passenger’s door. Calum looked at him weirdly from inside, but he still smiled –even if it didn’t truly reach his eyes– when Ashton offered him his hand upon opening his door for him. Ashton was just noticing as he helped him up that the hoodie was actually maybe a bit small on his frame, only appearing larger because Calum was forcefully keeping the sleeves over his hands.

Ashton settled against the windshield, helping Calum up and patting the space between his legs for Calum to sit on. The way the younger just melted against him, sighing as he let his back rest against Ashton, helped ease the weight on Ashton’s own chest. He knew this would help.

At least in some way.

“I know it’s not Dalmellington, but…” He whispered, placing a gentle kiss on Calum’s shoulder. “You can still see a lot of stars here.”

“Ash.”

Calum had turned around to face him, biting his lower lip. But Ashton just shook his head no. “Just… Let’s just lie down for a while. Okay?”

Something flashed in Calum’s eyes, but he still nodded, turning back around and letting himself fall against Ashton’s chest.

It took a moment for Ashton’s eyes to get used to the darkness, but after some minutes, he started seeing more and more stars. He could even see the outline of the milky way, crossing across the sky over them. Stars. So _many_ of them.

Calum’s eyes were wandering from place to place, Ashton reading some recognition in them. Sometimes, he even got a small smile pulling at his lips. He had buried himself into Ashton’s arms, but he had kept hugging his knees to his chest. At least he wasn’t tensed up.

Observing Calum as he took in the night sky had become one of Ashton’s favourite pastimes. And even if tonight Calum’s eyes were red-rimmed, and he was occasionally shivering despite the heat, it was no different for Ashton. Calum was just a wonder in and of himself, his eyes lighting up, almost reflecting the light of the countless stars shining down on them.

But Ashton hadn’t _only_ brought Calum here for that. He hadn’t only brought him here because he thought it would help Calum, give him a safe space in which he could lose himself into, forget about everything else for a while. Ashton brought him here with a purpose.

He waited until he saw Calum close his eyes, sighing, the last tendrils of tension leaving him. And then he searched for his hand, lacing their fingers together, leaning forward so he could press a kiss on Calum’s cheek, staying there for a moment too long before he pulled away, searching for the younger’s eyes.

Calum was wearing a soft smile now, but his eyes spoke clearly of the whirlwind his mind had gone through in the last couple of hours.

“You told me last year about Coalsack, remember that?” Ashton nuzzled him, pointing with their joined hands to where he knew –thanks to Calum– that Coalsack was. “I said a sky with no stars sounded wrong, and you laughed and told me it was actually a star nursery.” Ashton recounted softly, watching Calum look up at the sky and then meeting back his eyes, recognition suddenly lighting them up. Ashton knew he was outsmarted, but he still finished the thought out loud. “Light can come from darkness, Cal.”

He watched as Calum’s entire face transformed, giving in to tears again, his lower lip trembling. But he was also looking at Ashton with such a mixture of love, sadness, hope and fear, that Ashton himself felt his eyes fill with tears.

“I was in a really dark place when I met you.” Ashton started, and he felt Calum straightening up, tightening his fingers through his. “I know you always say I got myself out, but you _helped_ me, Cal.” Ashton breathed. “I can’t help you choose. But I _can_ help you with other things. You can always come to me. We can talk about _anything_.” Ashton stressed, reaching to brush away some of Calum’s curls, smiling even when he knew the tears falling down his cheeks were giving him away. “I can help you look into options. I can help you look into something that works for you, that allows you space to focus on something else. That allows you to volunteer, or help others. We can also research everything that Prague would involve together, for real, so you can give it a thought and not feel–” Ashton stopped to swallow past the knot on his throat. “Not feel overwhelmed.”

Calum was just staring at him, slow tears making their way from his eyes to his nose, the occasional sniffle the only noise he made.

“The same goes for applying for a PhD. We could plan for it, if you decided that you wanted that. Again, money’s not a problem.” Reminded him, a little scared when Calum closed his eyes, sighing.

“That’s... too much to ask of you.” Calum murmured. 

“Good thing you’re not asking, then.” Ashton let out a watery chuckle. “And if it’s something that you could want, that could help you feel like yourself again? Then there’s really nothing to discuss, right?” Ashton smiled, leaning forward to nuzzle the younger’s nose, making him scrunch his face up, reaching to scratch it, Ashton having clearly tickled him. Which prompted a small giggle out of Ashton, who leaned forward once more, just to kiss the tip of Calum’s nose. “It’s our future, Cal. _Ours_. I can’t help you decide what to do. But I can help you look. You can share the load, I can help there. Let me. You’re not on your own. We are a team.” Ashton stressed, to which Calum just sniffled again, looking down. “And you have so much to offer, Calum. So much.”

There were still tears falling slowly down the corner of his eyes, Ashton brushing them off and feeling relieved when Calum leaned into his hand.

“I… I need to sleep on all of this. I need time.” Calum admitted after a while.

“Okay.”

He settled back on Ashton’s chest, eyes closed. Ashton brushed back some of his hair again, his fingers drawing invisible lines on Calum’s nape. After a while, Calum opened his eyes, staring up at the sky. Ashton knew he couldn’t usually stay still for too long, and he was already starting to fidget. Eventually he did sit up, but reached back for Ashton’s hand. Ashton thought he was going to say something, but he just kept looking at the sky.

He wished he could give Calum the answer his mind was desperately searching for, the one that would solve everything he thought was in need of solving. The answer that would allow him to piece it all together neatly. But there wasn’t one. So Ashton settled on rubbing his hand over Calum’s back, leaning forward for a half hug, tucking his chin over Calum’s shoulder.

He knew they had to have been there for over an hour, because the stars were beginning to faint out of the sky. There was still some time to sunrise, but Ashton thought they probably should head back before that. They were leaving in the middle of the night, heading to the airport straight from the beach where they were going to have dinner at. And they had the visit to his grandparents’ for lunch, the afternoon full between packing and other stuff. They should be getting to sleep soon.

“I was...um.” Calum suddenly surprised him, voice rough. He tried to clear his throat, Ashton dropping a kiss where his shoulder met his neck, waiting for him to continue. “I was scared of asking you about Sydney, and whether or not…”

That caught Ashton off guard.

“Why? Were you afraid I was going to say I wanted to come back?” Ashton frowned, trying to see Calum’s face.

But the younger shook his head. “No. The opposite, really.” He admitted, looking down at his lap before turning to look at him. “I’m, uh… You’re too strong, Ash. I can’t… I’m not like you.” Calum muttered. “You left home, on your own, for another country. All alone.” _Oh._ “I don’t think I’m capable of that.”

“Cal.” Ashton sighed.

“No, it’s okay.” Calum shook his head quickly. He took a deep breath, turning to look at the sky before he mused, “Do you think I even got in? Or did I just have a meltdown without having even _that_ option be real?”

Ashton looked at him, swallowing. “I believe you got in.” He said sincerely. “Cal, you’re more capable than you give yourself credit for. I know you know you control your field, you’re great in an academic environment.” Ashton added. Calum didn’t react, but Ashton knew he was listening. “But your value doesn’t just come from that. You’re extremely hard-working. Patient. You’re generous and bright. And brave. You’re strong, much stronger than you believe. And selfless.” There were a million more things that Ashton could say, but they would be there until well past morning. “And I know you never rest until you’ve found whatever answer you need, but sometimes that answer just takes time. And it’s okay to rest while you search for it, too.” Calum took a deep breath at that, and turned to look at him, holding Ashton’s gaze and then glancing away, confirming Ashton’s reading of his mind was on point. “You know I’ve said this a million times before, but I’ll just say it once again. Because it’s never been more true. I’m proud of you, Cal. And _nothing_ is ever going to change that.”

Calum swallowed hard, eyes staring down at his lap. Ashton cupped his face, leaning close to press a kiss on his temple, staying there after.

“Love you.” He whispered softly, feeling Calum leaning into his hand. The younger then turned his head and pressed a kiss to Ashton’s palm, looking back up.

“Love you too.” Calum sighed. He held Ashton’s gaze for a moment before he said, “I’m exhausted, though. Physically and mentally.” Calum chuckled weakly. Then he squeezed Ashton’s hand, that one small smile that Ashton treasured more than everything making a rare appearance on Calum’s lips after what felt like years. It looked out of place with his red-rimmed eyes, with the worry he could still see in the back of Calum’s gaze. But it _felt_ real. “Take me back home?” Calum asked quietly.

“Will my childhood room suffice?” Ashton smiled back.

“You’re with me, so. Yeah.” Calum laughed softly. Then he added, the laughter gone from his tone, “I miss our place, though.”

“Me too, babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. It's been two months. I'm really sorry. 
> 
> I don't even know how many times I've written and erased parts of this chapter, rewritten others, scratch some that later on I have reclaimed. Nothing felt right despite having had the entire chapter outlined for months. There are various topics from here that have been brewing (hopefully you agree) in the back of Calum's mind for a while, and are going to be explored on and the focus of the next chapters. Very nervous about some of those topics, extremely nervous about the beginning of this chapter. That being said, I hope you were at least happy (I can't really say that after that chapter though, can I?) I uploaded, and that you enjoyed the chapter. Drop me a line if you feel like it! 
> 
> Life is stressful right now, but please bear with me. I don't know how long it will take me to work on the next chapter, but I will not leave this story unfinished.
> 
> As always, thank you all for reading, I appreciate it a lot. Hope you and yours are okay, sending love 💙💙💙 
> 
> And again, sorry for the lack of updates 🙏🏻😓.
> 
> Edit (29/11/2020): I wanted to post the next chapter today to mark the first year since I first started uploading Rare, but I wasn't able to finish polishing it on time. In case anyone reads this before I am able to update, I have posted a sneak peek on [tumblr](https://myfalsedevotion.tumblr.com/post/636152890821623808/rare-as-gold-all-the-hues-of-blue-series-ch)


	10. Murphy's Law

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's block is horrible. I'm sorry.
> 
> Btw, the lovely Maya ( [beecosmic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beecosmic/profile) ) , [calumsash](https://calumsash.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, made this beautiful [moodboard](https://calumsash.tumblr.com/post/631587441778786304/this-moodboard-is-inspired-by-myfalsedevotion-fic) and this amazing [edit](https://calumsash.tumblr.com/post/636022112043352064/this-edit-is-inspired-by-the-wonderful-fic-all) inspired on All The Hues. Go give her some love cos she's awesome! 
> 
> This chapter has some really angsty parts, but I'm still dedicating it to you Maya, cos you've helped me get through writer's block and you're the sweetest ever 💙💙. Love you xx

“You’re up awfully early.” Lauren startled him as soon as he came downstairs.

She was sitting alone by the kitchen table, a mug of steaming coffee before her. She was wearing workout clothes, but she didn’t look sweaty, so maybe she had just got up herself. If only she knew Calum hadn’t even gone back to sleep after he and Ashton came back just before dawn…

“I…” Calum bit his lip, glancing to the stairs then back to her, who arched an eyebrow at him. “I need to go somewhere.”

She frowned even more, clearly about to ask him where when Calum rushed to answer her.

“I need to go pay a visit to the cemetery.”

If she was surprised, she didn’t show it. She had to be, though. Calum knew. Because who in their right minds would want to visit a cemetery at 6am on a Tuesday? Especially after having been there just a couple of days before. Especially because it was Christmas’ Eve morning, and he should have been enjoying one last sleep in with Ashton in his childhood bed, knowing it was their last sleep there and that they would be leaving to the airport sometime around 3 hours into Christmas Day. Also, because he felt like shit, his whole body ached, and his own mind still felt like it had gone through the ringer, everything too colourful and bright to process correctly. And, even more especially, because the only tie Calum had with the cemetery was his boyfriend’s late best friend.

But conspicuously enough, Lauren didn’t react other than to say, “I can walk you there, I usually run around it.”

Calum stared at her for a couple of seconds too long before realising he should probably answer. “That’s, uh-” He started, not really knowing what to say. In the end he decided on, “Thanks.”

Lauren nodded, turning back to her coffee cup and scrolling through her phone. In silence. Calum took the liberty to start the kettle, reaching for one of the tea bags Ashton had brought from home only to stop his hand halfway to it. He shouldn’t, right? No caffeine. He shouldn’t have any caffeine. Not when he could still taste his heartbeat in his mouth, feel it pounding inside his chest. With a sigh, he turned off the kettle before it even started heating up, letting his hand fall to the edge of the counter.

He shouldn’t have even got up, not without Ashton. Ashton, who had been with him all through the night. Kind, caring, worried Ashton. He hadn’t even fallen asleep until half an hour ago, and not until Calum himself had feigned falling asleep just so Ashton could finally rest. He felt guilty enough. Depriving him of more sleep was the last thing he wanted.

“Are you alright?” Lauren’s soft but hesitant voice suddenly reached his ears, and Calum just nodded, even though he gripped the counter a bit tighter.

“Aye.” He breathed out absentmindedly. Ashton had said he could maybe feel the aftermath of the… attack for a few hours. Calum couldn’t wait for them to pass. He tried swallowing, biting his lip for a quick moment before he turned to face Lauren.

“I was going to head out, now. If you want to–” She stopped herself, frowning, and even when she hesitated, she still asked, “Are you sure you shouldn’t be resting?”

Calum stared at her, his muddled brain struggling to process what she was clearly implying. And then he closed his eyes, letting himself lean against the counter as he pinched his eyes, trying to rub the tiredness away.

“How much of it did you hear?” He sighed, opening back his eyes to look at her. He was exhausted enough not to feel any embarrassment.

“Enough.” She whispered, not able to hold his gaze for very long and looking away. “Look, it’s none of my business, but you do look half dead right now. Why do you even…? Ashton will be worried, if he wakes up and you’re not here.”

Calum closed his eyes, swallowing hard as he nodded. “I know.” He admitted. “I just… I feel like I need to go.”

“Okay.”

It took them over ten minutes to walk there. Lauren kept eyeing him, but unlike the previous times she had during his stay, this time she looked worried. She didn’t say anything, though. It was quiet in the street, just the occasional car passing by. People on their way to work, Calum supposed.

“I can go from here.” Calum said as he recognised the road where the cemetery started. “Thank you, Lauren.”

She stared at him for a long second before she nodded. “I’ll see you back at the house.” She said. And then surprisingly reached to give his arm a squeeze, offering him a smile before putting in her earphones and starting on a slow jog. She was running in the opposite direction of Bec’s grave, and Calum wondered if she really ran around the cemetery usually or if she just had said so in the moment. Or if she was changing her normal course just to give him a moment alone.

He felt a bit weird, being there on his own. Just a few minutes after sunrise, and the place was deserted. There was the odd bird call, but otherwise everything felt eerily silent. Calum started walking towards the garden, wondering for the up tenth time what had made him feel like he needed to come here. Maybe it had been the pictures in Ashton’s room.

After Ashton’s breath had evened out, Calum’s eyes had shot back open. At first, he had just stared at the ceiling, fingers sliding over the sheets like he needed a reminder of where he was. At least he had felt like he did. The necessity of anchoring himself in that room, in the present. And not in the place in his mind he had ended up a few hours ago. Ashton’s heat next to him had helped, as well as his breathing. His arm around Calum’s stomach, tighter than usual. But then Calum’s eyes had wandered around the place.

 _My childhood bedroom_ , Ashton had called it. Calum felt weird. They weren’t even close to thirty, but eighteen felt so far from him. When he arrived in Sydney, he had felt teenager Ashton in that room. But Ashton was right, it was the room of a child. Eighteen felt like childhood, now. It had still made Calum suppress a chuckle, because even if it did, he was almost exactly at the same place he had been when he was eighteen. Completely clueless and not in control of his own future. Not sure about anything in his life.

Well, not entirely true. Ashton right next to him, sleeping soundly. _That_ was a sure thing. That was fixed. But as the pictures had reminded him, he wouldn’t have even _had_ Ashton if not for what happened to Bec. And that was when he had been invaded with the need to go to the cemetery.

He had carefully slid out from Ashton’s embrace, giving himself just a moment to look at him while he slept. Calum had felt a bit relieved upon seeing him looking peaceful. The lines, the worry, the red in his eyes. Gone as he slept. And then Calum had walked downstairs, found Lauren in the kitchen.

He was aware of how it must have sounded, his explanation. Calum himself didn’t completely understand the pull he felt towards coming here, even as he came to a stop in front of Bec’s plaque. Ashton’s gardenias still looked rather healthy, but the white was beginning to lose its pristineness.

Calum was silent for a long while, just sitting there. Staring at the plaque that read Bec’s name. The light around him brightened gradually, the sun beginning its path up. Calum felt like he wasn’t even there, like maybe he had just fallen asleep back in Ashton’s arms. Safe. But no. He could smell faint smoke in the air, besides the flowers near him. He could feel the gravel against the skin of his calves. He could hear cars in the distance. His brain wouldn’t be able to conjure all that up, would it?

“Hi, Bec.” He eventually said, the words almost tumbling out of his mouth without him having the time to process he was saying them. “I… this is weird.” Calum chuckled. “God, now I’m talking on my own. I really am going crazy.” He finished quietly, feeling his heartbeat pushing against his ribcage. It wasn’t quick, but it _felt_ big.

He didn’t know why he was here. This was creepy, showing up to a cemetery this early in the morning. Even creepier, coming to see Bec. Whom he hadn’t even met.

“You don’t know me, I don’t even know if there’s a possibility you can hear me.” He found himself saying anyway, eyes wandering to the dates below her name. “I’m supposed not to believe in stuff I don’t see, but, um. There’s always quantum theory. I need to _believe_ in that _,_ because there’s no way I can see _anything_ that exists at that level. We just take it at face value.” He rambled on. “And many physicists believed in an afterlife and things like that. Einstein didn’t, true, and he was one of the greatest minds ever. But many others did believe. And every great philosopher has… wait. Sorry. That’s… I don’t even know why I’m rambling off about this.”

He hugged his knees close to his chest, a sudden gust of wind making him shiver. Calum thought he should have grabbed Ashton’s hoodie on his way out, but he had hoped the hot and cold flashes would have been over by now. Apparently not. And now he was shivering. In the middle of summer in Australia. Nice.

“I came the day before yesterday with Ashton. And your brother. And Lauren.” His own voice sounded strange to his ears. Almost like it wasn’t even him there, talking with no one on the other end. “I’m… I’m Calum, Ashton’s boyfriend. Although, well. If you’re hearing me, then I guess you already know that too.” Calum laughed nervously.

Since last night, his grip on reality hadn’t been exactly strong. He knew what _was_ real, mind him. But there were intrusive thoughts assaulting him, his brain shifting focus from one thing to the next while he felt like a spectator inside his own mind. And now, coming here…

“I don’t really know what I came here for, to be honest.” He admitted out loud. “Ashton and I… We had a long conversation about some things last night –a few hours ago, technically–, and I needed to get a breath of fresh air, and I just felt this _need_ to come here.”

Ashton had been amazing last night, and Calum couldn’t have been more grateful for having him by his side. But as usual, his unwavering faith in Calum made the younger both feel reassured but also pressured. He just… Calum would have just preferred not to have had the conversation replaying in his mind as Ashton slept beside him. Everything he had told the older, everything he had felt, ringing and ringing inside his head. It was just too much. Being in that room had been too much. Made him afraid he was going to have another panic attack. Ashton’s words from last night, his presence, did provide a refuge from Calum’s own thoughts, but… It wasn’t enough. Maybe that’s why he had felt the need to get out of that room. To breathe in fresh air. To walk.

But he wasn’t walking right now. He was sat in front of Bec’s resting place.

“Ashton’s told me stories about you. Anecdotes, happy times.” It felt weird, talking out loud without expecting a reply. “He always looks so happy when he’s telling them, it’s like his smile has this… different colour.” Calum smiled to himself, looking down for a moment. “He’s, um… Ashton’s had a rough time. If you’re watching, you know. He’s better now, I think. But he still misses you so much.”

They had talked yesterday, he and Ashton. Had had a gentle morning, not much to do but enjoying each other’s presence, having lunch with his family. A trip to a nearby shopping centre for Christmas gifts when Calum had realised he hadn’t really got anything for his family besides the couple of trinkets he had got back in New Zealand with Mali. There had been plenty of quiet moments. They had been lying in bed after a nap when Ashton had admitted he had felt like he had closed a chapter the day before. Calum had let him explain at his own time, listening in attentively.

“He loves you, so much. He always will.” Calum whispered, rocking a bit in his place. He knew Ashton wasn’t in love with Bec anymore, but he did love her. Fiercely. “I… I know you loved him, too. From what he’s told me. From the pictures I’ve seen. What you two felt for each other, it can be seen clear as a day in those photographs.” Calum breathed, suddenly feeling his own eyes misting. “It’s… so easy. Loving him. It’s inescapable, right?” He brushed his tears with the back of his hand. “He’s so warm, so inviting. And open. Sunny. Lets you in so fucking easily.” He chuckled, sniffling a bit. “He’s… the strongest person I’ve ever known. Carries on, no matter what. But you’ve known him for far longer than me, you don’t need me mentioning it.” He chuckled again, swallowing after. “I’m not like him.”

The silence felt deafening after his own admission.

It wasn’t new, this feeling. It also wasn’t an Earth shattering realisation. Calum had known that. He admired Ashton for his strength, loved that in him. He just wasn’t like him. Couldn’t have done what Ashton did. It took a lot of strength, that. Leaving home. Alone. After his world had imploded on him. And carrying on. Build a life.

“I’m a mess, right now. Like, look at me. I left Ashton alone in bed to come here without even knowing why.” He spilled out quickly. “I’m a fucking _mess_. And I… I know I’m dragging him down with me, because he’s just always _there_ for me, through everything.” Calum felt another tear falling down his cheek, cold with the slight wind blowing by. But he did nothing to stop it. Could do nothing. “I hate myself for doing this to him.”

He did, he really did. Ashton didn’t deserve this. He deserved someone that wasn’t like this just when he was finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Ashton deserved better, deserved proper happiness, and not having to support him while Calum was sure he had brought this on himself. Because he had. Not talking about it. Not doing anything about how he felt, pushing everything back into that little box in his mind labelled _To sort through later_. He had put himself right where he was. And Ashton didn’t, _shouldn’t_ have to pay for that just because.

Calum knew well what Ashton’s reaction would be if he were to mention those words to him: he would kick him, say they were _together_ , through every situation. Good and bad. Just like he had said last night, when he brought up that Calum had helped him through his pain. But Ashton hadn’t caused that pain to himself. Their situations were… vastly different.

“He’s the only sure thing in my life right now, you know?” He mused. The weird feeling about being here, ‘talking’ to Bec had faded. He was beginning to understand why he had come here. “I don’t deserve him, I know that. I don’t.” He ran his tongue over his teeth, feeling more tears falling as he closed his eyes for a moment. “And if things were different, I wouldn’t be with him. I know that, as well.”

If things were different, Ashton would still call Sydney home. And it saddened Calum, the way he had cut ties with this place. Because Ashton loved it. But Calum believed him when he told him he wouldn’t feel right living here. They just were… different. Built differently. And even if right now Calum was just focusing on how he felt… somehow inferior to him, he also knew having Ashton by his side was a privilege. And he couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ , disrespect Bec’s memory by letting himself not work to be the person Ashton deserved.

“I’m a mess, but I promise–. I promise you I’ll do my best by him.” Calum vowed, biting his lip and trying to get a hold of himself. “I’ll sort myself out.” He nodded to himself, hugging his knees closer. He took in a deep breath before exhaling slowly, looking back to Bec’s plaque. “I promise I’ll love him, for the rest of my life. I’ll do right by him.”

He stared at the flowers, the small blue carnation there. Blue. Calum missed home.

“I, uh…” He trailed off, sniffling quietly. “I should be talking about this with him. I know that.” He admitted softly. “And I _will_ go back to talk to him about it. I just… I don’t know.”

He fell silent again, gaze lost and unfocussed. His thoughts were buzzing inside his mind. Calum tried to keep up with them, but it felt like the processing part of his brain had just broken down last night, and it wasn’t up and running today. The cost of financing a PhD would be too much. Maybe he should write an email, get in touch with his professor. Or actually open Prague’s. His heart flew to his mouth, hands patting his pockets, searching for his phone, but he suddenly remembered he had _consciously_ left it back in Ashton’s room.

It scared him half to death that he could react the same way upon reading it. That it could trigger another attack. That he could feel _that_ way again. Completely out of control, just… Unable to stop it, unable to think clearly. A spectator in his own mind, his own body. Seeing everything from afar, feeling everything but also feeling like it wasn’t happening to him.

Calum closed his eyes firmly, shaking his head, trying to clear his mind of those thoughts. Lauren had seemed different today. Now that he thought about it. And Calum didn’t think it was because of her having heard him losing it last night. There was something different in the way she looked at him. She wasn’t as… cold, anymore. Calum wondered when that had changed. He hoped it stayed like that, if he ever wanted to stand a chance of asking Ashton to marry him and have it not be a complete disaster. Accepting him as Ashton’s boyfriend was one thing, but even when Calum knew they were forever, maybe Lauren wouldn’t see it as that. She wasn’t anything like Mali-Koa there. But Calum also had to give her that whereas Mali had known Ashton almost from the start of their relationship, he was still basically a stranger to Lauren. It made him wonder...

“You know, my sister keeps nagging me about proposing to Ashton. Anne-Marie has mentioned it as well.” He said out loud, swallowing before looking at Bec’s engraved name. “I might actually be getting there.” Calum realised as he thought about it. “I need to sort myself out before, though. And I would need to talk to Lauren.” He took a deep breath, tightening his arms around his knees. “Fuck, and _Luke_.” The younger had already sanctioned them together, but Calum would still like to talk to him. Maybe Luke could actually help him search for rings –along with Mali, of course–. And it wasn’t like Calum felt like he needed to ask for Ashton’s hand in marriage to everyone in Ashton’s life. Ashton was an independent man. Calum just wanted… he wanted to make sure at least his family was okay with it, with _him_. “I could do with your blessing, as well.” He mused, letting out a sad chuckle, then fixed his eyes on Bec’s name.

Ashton had said he would have loved to introduce them. And Calum would have loved to be able to promise Ashton’s best friend he was going to do his best. Well, now that he stopped to think about it… he kind of already had, hadn’t he? Just a few minutes ago. Maybe… Maybe that was why he had felt the need to come here.

“Otto kind of did give me his blessing, but… I know Ashton would value yours more than everything.” Calum whispered, scrunching up his face.

It really was a hard feeling to sort through, especially in his state. This… wanting to have had the chance to meet Bec, as important as she was to Ashton, and yet knowing that if he had had that chance, he wouldn’t have had Ashton. Because despite what Otto may have said a couple of days back, Calum knew it would have worked. It would have worked between Ashton and Bec. He knew it. And knowing that, and still feeling the pang of sadness upon knowing he would have wanted to meet her despite everything, just because of what she meant to Ashton… It was difficult to sort through, indeed.

He closed his eyes again, wincing as he tried to think of something else. Anything else. At this point, he wasn’t sure what could trigger another attack, which terrified him. And feeling sad may not do it, but it still left him feeling like shit.

So he tried distracting himself another way.

“It’s weird being here.” He admitted as he opened his eyes and looked up to the sky. There were a few scattered clouds in an otherwise unusual blue sky. “I always dreamt of coming to the South hemisphere, be able to see its view of the night sky, study it. But since I got here, I am just… observing it, taking it in.” It was true. Calum had found himself missing the chances to study the sky with his telescope, but he also felt kind of in love with the idea that he could just… look up at the stars. No technology in between. “I haven’t got any telescopes, so I have to trust my sight. And it’s enjoyable, you know? Going back to basics, back to when I was a kid, learning the constellations with my Nan.” He smiled, reminiscent. “The constellations here are new to me, though. I miss home, but… The view here is incredible.”

Calum had always been drawn to the sky. But he was feeling even more so ever since he got to New Zealand, and just a few hours back with Ashton. There was just _something_ about the Southern hemisphere sky that rendered him in awe. Perhaps it was the newness of observing those stars in person and not through a screen, but it didn’t strike Calum as that.

“Edmond Halley catalogued the stars from the Southern hemisphere for the Northern astronomers.” Calum remembered learning about him. “Stars captivated people long before that, though. Doesn’t make a difference who looks up to them. We all do. People here, New Zealand, other islands, were already looking up at the sky and finding their way across the ocean with just the stars to guide them for centuries before Halley ever put them in a map. Those people were the first to fall in love with these stars. Wish I could know more about that.” He sighed. He wondered if they would be able to see the stars that night at the beach. Calum guessed not, being too close to the city. “I don’t know why I’m rambling on about this. It’s not like I know you can listen. It feels oddly… nice, though. Talking.”

It still felt a bit weird, but Calum found that he didn’t care much. Not when it was actually allowing him to focus on something that didn’t make his heart beat faster, or that didn’t make him feel afraid he was going to go back into the state he had been in last night. So he let his mind wander, kept talking about the sky and the stars and everything he could remember about it. He almost felt like he was talking with a friend. Well, more like talking their ear off. But it felt easy, talking about the stars. The easiest thing Calum knew. The safest.

It came pretty close to the current source of his anxiety, but Calum’s refuge had always been the sky. Despite his career having spun out from his love for it, was based on theorising over it, the sky still made him feel warm. His safe space. Much like Ashton was, nowadays. After the attack, Calum had only felt himself relax once he had settled into Ashton’s arms at the side of that road, with thousands of stars shining down on them.

“I need to make a decision on something.” He said after a while. “It’s what Ashton and I… kind of fought over, last night.” Ashton may swear it hadn’t been a fight or that they wouldn’t fight over it, but it still felt like one to Calum. Their disagreements may not be full of shouting –although Calum _did_ shout at him last night at some point, the memory of which made his chest throb with guilt–, but they were still arguments.

He took a deep breath, clutching his hands together as he stared at Bec’s name again. “I’m just feeling lost. And Ashton’s always talked to me about how you were so self-assured.” Calum said quietly. “I wonder if I could maybe borrow some of that self-assurance, just this once.” He smiled sadly. “I used to be sure, you know? But lately… I don’t know. And I’m not handling it well.” Calum sighed, right index playing with the edge of his shorts. “That’s one of the things with me, I can’t stand not knowing something. Drives me nuts.” He chuckled softly, rocking on his spot.

“Oh, I can attest to that.”

“Shit.” Calum spit out, hastily getting up on his feet. “Ashton, what the fuck?” He asked, eyes wide as his boyfriend looked at him from just a few steps away with a few giggles tumbling out of his mouth. Calum could feel his heart beating fast inside his chest, in his mouth. Ashton’s face fell when he seemed to notice, taking a couple of steps closer as he frowned. “I woke up, and you were gone. Without your phone. I was worried.” He said, reaching for his hand.

“I’m s–.”

“Lauren texted me you were here.” Ashton cut him, squeezing his hand. “She feared you wouldn’t know how to get back. She sounded kinda worried, too.”

“How long have you been listening in for?” Calum asked, blinking a couple of times before looking up to meet his eyes, feeling the heat rising to his cheeks. He wasn’t exactly mad at Ashton for sneaking up on him, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t told him much of what he had been babbling about just now to him before at one point or another, but it still made him feel… embarrassed.

“Caught you talking about the stars.” Ashton smiled softly, leaning forward to press a kiss on Calum’s cheek.

“Sorry.” Calum exhaled, feeling the heat even more now in his face.

“Don’t be. I love listening to you.” Ashton promised, squeezing Calum’s hand. Calum saw him look down to Bec’s plaque and then frown. “Bit weird, the choice of a place for a soliloquy, though.” Ashton said, and Calum could tell he was testing the waters. “Why did you come here?”

“I felt…” Calum trailed off, swallowing before he took a deep breath, letting it go slowly. “I don’t know. I felt like I needed to come here. Didn’t know why.”

“You _didn’t_ …” Ashton trailed off, his eyes searching for Calum’s, who held his gaze for a moment before looking down to their shoes. “Does that mean you know _now_?”

The way Ashton caught on so fast to Calum’s mindset would always fascinate the younger. He bit his lower lip as he met Ashton’s gaze, a soft smile pulling at his lips. “I do.” He admitted, holding the older’s gaze, the familiar warmth spreading through his chest upon looking into Ashton’s eyes. He closed his own as he took a breath, then sighed, reaching for Ashton’s free hand and linking their fingers together there too. “I’m not telling you, though.” He teased, opening his eyes and knowing Ashton would play right into it.

“Oh?” Ashton raised his eyebrows, Calum biting his lip as he waited for him to say something else. “And why’s that?”

“It’s a secret.” Calum whispered, letting out a slight giggle right afterwards.

He watched as Ashton’s lips pulled up in a smile, some light that hadn’t been there before reaching his eyes. Then he tugged on Calum’s hands, making him come closer before he caught his lips in a small kiss. As he pulled away, he rested his forehead against Calum’s.

“It’s nice to hear your laughter.” Ashton whispered, making blood rush to Calum’s cheeks.

“Humph.”

Calum let go of his hands, sliding his own around Ashton’s middle and hugging him close, hiding his face on Ashton’s shoulder. Ashton didn’t say anything else, just hugged him back tight, pressing a kiss to Calum’s temple before sighing. They stood there like that for a minute, Calum basking in the older’s presence, the sun, the scents. He could feel a slight breeze on his arms, chilling even when the wind came somewhat warm. Birds were chirping from a nearby tree. Cars driving by at the other side of the cemetery. Ashton’s heartbeat, his breath hitting on Calum’s ear, making him slightly ticklish. Calum hadn’t wanted to admit just how calming having Ashton with him was. Because it came quite close to hyper dependency. And it made him even more scared of himself.

Knowing Ashton would be with him in the event of another attack calmed Calum to an extent, but it also made him nervous. Because he didn’t want to do that to Ashton. Relying on each other was one thing, but in the darkest corners of Calum’s mind, when he was particularly tired or riled up, he had caught himself thinking that maybe he was creating an unhealthy dependency towards Ashton. And it wasn’t fair to him, and it wasn’t fair to their relationship. It also made him even more scared of having another attack and having Ashton not be there.

Calum shook his head, though, banishing the thought away before he could feel his heart start to quicken again. He was quite tired, now that he thought of it. And the sun shining down on them was beginning to make him sweat, paired with the cold flashes he still got, it was making him feel a bit ill-like. His muscles hurt like he had gone overboard on a gym session, and he felt a yawn coming up his throat that he tried to hide. Ashton still caught on, squeezing him a little harder before pulling away to look at him. Worried seemed like a small word to describe his face.

“We need to stop having meaningful conversations in the middle of the night.” Calum tried jokingly, chuckling, before another yawn made it up his throat. “I’m so tired.”

Ashton stared at him with a ‘ _well you did have a panic attack, that’s why you’re exhausted’_ look. Calum held his gaze before rolling his eyes and nodding softly.

Ashton still mumbled, “I like our middle of the night talks.” He tried smiling, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, even if Calum believed he had been truthful.

“Yeah, I like them too.” Calum nodded, sighing. “Just not the exhaustion after.”

Ashton yawned at that, scrunching his face as he stretched himself a bit before looking back into Calum’s eyes.

Calum bit his lip, knowing Ashton would say it wasn’t his fault, but he still felt the need to apologise. “I’m sorry I kept you up last night.”

“It’s okay, Cal. I’m glad we talked. I’m glad _you_ talked to me.” Then he reached for the younger’s temple, brushing away a stray curl. Calum felt a shiver running all the way through him, but he welcomed it. Because for the first time since last night, it had actually felt good. Ashton’s fingertips felt good on him.

“We should go.” Ashton nodded towards the road Calum had walked in. “You must be hungry. Let me make you breakfast.”

Calum smiled. He _was_ a bit hungry. “Okay.” Ashton made no move to go, though, his eyes instead travelling down to Bec’s plaque, the flowers. Calum squeezed his hand, making Ashton snap back to his. “You want to…?” He trailed off, looking from Ashton’s eyes towards the ground and back.

“Give me a minute.”

“Okay.” Calum nodded, offering him a small smile as he let go of Ashton’s hand, walking a little ways off to give the older some privacy. Ashton had said he hadn’t needed any time alone with Bec last time, but having seen the look in his eyes now, Calum knew he had been lying. And he was more than happy to step back.

Ashton looked tired as he knelt there in front of Bec’s plaque, dark circles under his eyes. Calum noticed his tee was inside out, like he had gotten dressed in a hurry and hadn’t even cared to check what he was throwing on. Calum felt guilt creeping up his chest.

He could hear Ashton speaking softly as he rearranged the flowers a bit, but was far enough that he couldn’t pick up what he was saying. Calum watched as he let out a small laugh, shaking his head, his eyes crinkling at the edges. He had a soft smile pulling at his lips when he turned his head, meeting Calum’s gaze for a fleeting moment before looking back down to the burial place. Calum wondered if that’s how he had looked before, talking on his own like he was having a conversation with someone. He couldn’t have looked as happy as Ashton did right now, though, of that Calum was sure.

It was strange, the contrast between the emotion behind Ashton’s eyes right now and what they had let on just a couple of days ago. He almost looked _free_ in a way that made Calum both jealous and so proud of him he could burst. That duality, too, was odd. But clearly not news. Calum was aware he envied Ashton, envied how strong he was. But he also felt a surge of love for him so strong that everything else just wasted away. Yeah, his own insecurity was there, but as he had promised Bec, Calum wouldn’t let it continue to affect Ashton. He couldn’t.

Soon, Ashton was pressing a kiss to his fingertips, placing them gently over Bec’s plaque for a few seconds before getting up and brushing off the dirt that had clung to his knees with a couple of pats.

Calum met his eyes, his silent question answered as soon as Ashton laced their fingers together and said, “Let’s go.”

“You sure?” Calum leaned forward, nuzzling him lightly.

“Yeah.”

Calum nodded, biting his lip before letting go of Ashton’s hand again, sliding his arms around him, hugging him. Ashton hugged him back tight, sighing as if Calum’s hug had lifted up some weight off of his shoulders. It only made Calum squeeze him harder for a moment, allowing himself a moment to bask in the comfort of having Ashton close, his worries slipping off his mind for just a second as he breathed the older in. His shampoo, the faint trails of his cologne from the day before.

“I wish we could just stay in bed all day.” Calum found himself saying, even when he knew falling asleep right now would be a challenge with how wired up he still felt under the surface. But lying in bed with Ashton sounded about perfect right now. “I miss a good lay in with you, at home.”

“There’s still a few hours before we need to be at my grandparents’. We can go back to sleep.” Ashton mumbled on his shoulder, squeezing once more before he pulled away just enough so he could look him in the eye. “I know you didn’t go to sleep when we came back, Cal. You need to rest. Otherwise jet lag is going to kick you right in the ass.”

Calum shook his head. “No, we need to pack. We can do something after that. Watch a movie. Anything.” Ashton frowned, ready to protest, but Calum cut him quickly. “I don’t think I can sleep right now, Ash.” He admitted quietly.

He looked away, sure that Ashton was studying him, trying to find the right words. It made Calum’s chest weight a bit more, knowing just how worried he was making Ashton. But he couldn’t help it. And he had realised, maybe not sharing was one of the things he needed to change.

“You’re going to figure it out, Cal. You always do.” Ashton sighed eventually, his thumb rubbing circles where it rested on Calum’s lower back.

“You have too much faith in me.” Calum scoffed gently, feeling warmth trying to fight off the weight in his chest. But it wasn’t enough. He looked back to Ashton, found the older worrying his lip. Without a word, though, he took Calum’s right hand and started walking away from the cemetery.

They were halfway to Ashton’s house when the older said, “You could always apply to Bake Off.”

Calum had to stop and do a double take, thinking he had heard wrong. But the way Ashton was fighting a smile told him he had heard correctly. “Shut up.” He muttered, letting out a small chuckle at the absurdity of the suggestion. Specially in light of everything they had talked about, in light of his panic attack about his future having happened not even 12 hours ago.

“I mean, you’re a pretty good baker.” Ashton shrugged nonchalantly, keeping up the bit.

“You’re clearly biased.”

“‘M not.” Ashton shook his head. “Let’s get back to my house, yeah?” He asked softly. This time the joke washed off completely off of his tone.

“Okay.”

* * *

“That was Mali.” Ashton said as he came back into the room, gesturing with his phone before plugging it back in to his charger. He stayed near his desk, though, so Calum went back to packing. “She’s worried, you know? About you not answering.”

That stopped him for a moment, his hands still halfway through folding up a tee that he didn’t even remember who it belonged to. He took a deep breath, sighing. “It’s not even been a day, I swear.” He finished folding it and placed it in his suitcase. Ashton’s was already full. He wasn’t even checking what went in each of them. They were travelling together, after all, and even when Ashton was leaving for home the day after they got to Scotland, none of these would be useful once back home in full winter.

“Cal.” Ashton said, still standing in the doorway. His tone made Calum sigh again. When he turned to look at him, Ashton looked hesitant. But he still said, “Joy texted me.” Calum stared at him. “I’m just asking you to talk to them. You said it yourself, you always text back. They’re worried, only hearing from me.”

“They’re being dramatic.”

“Love…”

Calum swallowed slowly, eyes flickering to the bed before meeting back Ashton’s. “Did you tell them?”

Ashton shook his head no. “No, but you should.”

“I don’t want to tell them.” Calum shrugged, turning his back on Ashton and folding another tee into the suitcase.

“Why?”

“I don’t want them to know.” He replied. He was done with most of the packing, just the clothes they needed for the plane rides and their coats left on the bed. Maybe he should check the bathroom again for toiletries, but Calum thought they had everything. Even the gifts they had got for his family, and Luke, Michael and Grace. He was pleased to see everything had fit.

“Cal.”

He rolled his eyes at Ashton’s insistence, but he also understood it. Thing was, he was exhausted, never even laying down after breakfast, and he really didn’t want to _talk_ about this. He hoped Ashton would drop it, but he also knew his boyfriend. So with a sigh, he closed the suitcase and placed it on the floor next to the bed, taking a seat where it had been. Better to get it over with. “They were already worried about me not finding a job, Ash. If I tell them I freaked out, that’s just going to fuel them.”

“Would it really be that bad? Telling them?” Ashton tried, “Calum, that wasn’t a freak out. You had a panic attack.” Calum almost winced at his words, but he managed to school his face. Maybe if he didn’t think about the panic attack, he could pretend it had never happened. And hell if he didn’t want it to never have happened.

“You know my mum was always expecting this. Considered me a ticking time-bomb. Expected me to...–” He tried to swallow past the knot that hadn’t really gone anywhere since last night, “–... to go off. I don’t–. I don’t want her to be all _I told you so_. I don’t need that.” Calum breathed, pinching his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, Ashton was kneeling in front of him, gently placing his hands on his knees.

“I know that, Cal.” Ashton whispered.

“And you know I never really talk to them about what’s going on with me anymore.” Calum said, reaching for Ashton’s hands, holding them in his. “I… Ever since Nan. I can’t… I can’t trust them.” He forced out. He and Ashton had talked about this a thousand times before, but it somehow remained difficult to talk through each and every time. “I want to. I want to talk to them, tell them what’s truly going on with me. I _do_. But I just–. I just _can’t_ , Ash.” He finished, taking his hands from Ashton’s and balling them up in fists, tensing for a moment before letting go. Then he met Ashton’s eyes. “Am I fucked up? Of course.” He chuckled sadly. “And it’s a stupid hang up. But I just can’t bring myself to.”

Ashton held his gaze for a few seconds. “You’re not fucked up, Calum.” Ashton stressed. “Can you...” He started, biting his lip and looking hesitant before he finished, “Can you at least call Mali, please? You don’t need to tell her, just talk to her.”

“If I talk to her, I’m going to end up telling her.” Calum sighed.

Even when he tried to keep himself at a distance with Mali, it never worked. Yeah, he didn’t spill all his secrets to her as he might have once had, but he did end up telling her everything important. And even when he would prefer not to admit it, the attack had been important.

“I just don’t feel comfortable anymore talking candidly with her, with any of them. Makes me feel iffy, like I’m making everything bad again.” Calum grimaced. “Besides, it’s weird. We never talk about that stuff in my family.” Ashton still looked worried, the dark circles under his eyes still present, and it was just too much. Calum closed his eyes, trying to swallow again past the knot in his throat. His whole body ached like it only can when sleep deprived and exhausted, but somehow seeing Ashton like that hurt Calum even more. “I’m sorry I’m springing all this up on you.”

“Please, don’t apologise.” Ashton sighed, his grip on Calum’s knees tightening for a second. “I’m glad you can tell _me_. I’m glad you can talk to me.”

“Yeah, well–” Calum huffed humourlessly, “–you and Mike are all I got.”

Ashton bit his lip, reaching to comb back a stray curl from Calum’s forehead. It wasn’t like the older had much more people he relied on, his list was probably as short as Calum’s.

“You have Mali.”

“Not the same, though.” Calum sighed, stubborn. He eyed the suitcase, thinking about the presents they had bought the day before. Calum wished he could turn back the clock and go back to before the attack, before he realised just how truly screwed up he was. By his own hand.

He knew he would end up calling Mali, just to see the tension in Ashton’s shoulders go away. Just so they could have a semblance of normalcy, and he didn’t fuck up Christmas Eve for him as well. But right now…

“You think Mali will like her present?” After finding the presents for his parents, he and Ashton had walked by a jewellery store and something had caught his eye immediately. “Maybe she’ll see it as tacky. Matching necklaces.”

“Mali would love anything _you_ got her, Cal.” Ashton chuckled, taking both of Calum’s hands in his and dropping a kiss on them. It made Calum’s heart flutter under the ever-present weight, and that paired with the sound of Ashton’s laughter managed to pull a smile from him.

Ashton straightened up enough to leave a kiss on his cheek, then stood up, letting go of his hands. “Did you leave space at the top for our presents?”

Calum frowned, “I thought we had packed everything already.”

Ashton stared at him, the corner of his lip twitching as if he was trying to fight off a smile. “You _do_ know you’re getting presents tonight from my family, right?”

“ _Presents_? _Plural?_ ” Calum asked, confused. “I thought we were only doing one here, one back home.”

“ _I_ only have one gift. I don’t know what my mum came up with.”

“ _Ashton._ ” Calum whined, getting up from the bed too.

“What? She does what she wants, she’s a grown human.” Ashton broke out laughing, staring at Calum as if his reaction amused him to no end.

“You could’ve still told her not to.” Calum protested.

Like, yeah. They both had got Anne-Marie, Harry and Lauren presents back home that Ashton had brought on his suitcase. But it wasn’t the same as them buying stuff for Calum. Their presents came from both him _and_ Ashton, their son and brother. Calum wasn’t… ugh. He now understood just how awkward Ashton had felt last year when his parents had got him that scarf.

Ashton was still laughing, but he stopped enough to say, “She wanted to get you stuff. Said you are family, _of course_ she was going to buy you presents. Just let her do her thing.” Ashton finished with a shrug.

Calum couldn’t react to it, though. His mind had stuck on a particular detail of Ashton’s explanation.

“I’m…family?” Calum felt his cheeks heating up, for the first time in… what felt like forever, some warmth creeping up inside his chest, dissolving the weight in there even if just a little.

Ashton must have noticed the change in his expression, because his own laughter softened, just a smile lighting up his face now. “That’s what she said.”

“How long ago was this?” Calum suddenly asked quietly.

Ashton bit his lip, his eyes flitting away for a second before he admitted, “‘round September, I think?”

“ _Oh_.”

Ashton was still looking at him, his lips twitching up in a smile again, crossing the distance between them and sneaking his arms around Calum’s middle. “What, you thought I was kidding when I said she loves you?” He teased, but his eyes were soft.

“I…” Calum was speechless. His heart was thumping inside his chest, but it wasn’t like it had been all through morning. It was different. It was… warm. Ashton nuzzled his nose, a soft laugh falling from his lips that made all of Calum’s hair stand on end. Then the older pressed a kiss to Calum’s cheek before pulling away.

“Okay. Now. We’re going out in a bit for a surprise.”

Calum was still a little dazed about the shocking revelation that Anne-Marie considered him _family_ to even process what Ashton had just said. “What…?”

“No excuses.” Ashton stated, looking around the room for his trainers, sitting down on the bed as he put them on.

“But I’m exhausted.” Was the first thought that made it past his lips, and then Calum realised just how rude he had sounded. He cleared his throat, wincing. He searched for Ashton’s eyes before he said, “I thought we were just going to chill before going to your grandparents’.”

“Yeah, but I had an idea.” Ashton grinned at him, finishing lacing his trainers before standing back up. “Come on, we need a little fun. You’ve been… stressed. Please let me help.” Ashton looked worried, but he also looked like he was trying his damndest hard to help him. “I know you’re tired, babe.” Ashton said, serious. He reached for his hand, giving it a squeeze. “I promise you, you will like this surprise.” Ashton tried reassuring him, and well. When he looked at him like that, all soft and smiling and looking proud of himself for having a surprise, who was Calum to deny him?

Still, Calum didn’t exactly feel right. “Ash…”

“I know.” Ashton nodded. “I _know_.” He repeated. Another squeeze to Calum’s hand. The small smile was gone, replaced with that worry in Ashton’s eyes that Calum was beginning to hate. “Did you have a chance to book an appointment? For when we’re back?”

Before they had started packing, Calum had mentioned it in passing. But he hadn’t brought himself to.

“Not yet.”

There was time for that later, right? It wasn’t like his GP was going to vanish. Nor were Calum’s problems. Besides, Calum was sure his GP’s schedule was either full for the holidays or just plain locked so he wouldn’t be able to schedule an appointment anyway until January.

There was something in Ashton’s gaze, something else apart from the worry. But it was gone quicker than it took for Calum to properly understand it. “Okay.” Ashton nodded, and just like that, he was back to smiling. He looked excited. “I’m going to round up the kids and mum. You get dressed.”

“I am dressed.” Calum frowned, looking at himself. He was wearing a proper shirt –even if it was short-sleeved– and his least worn out looking shorts. He hadn’t wanted to look bad when they went over for lunch to Ashton’s grandparents’ despite having already met them the week before. Calum just hadn’t wanted to melt in the heat, either. Hence the shorts.

“Yeah, that’s not gonna work.” Ashton shook his head. “Wear your trousers.” He instructed. “And grab a hoodie.” Then he walked out of the room.

“Where are we going?” Calum asked after him, but he could only hear Ashton’s giggles in response fading away as he trotted down the stairs.

* * *

“I’m reconsidering my stance on this being a good idea.” Ashton gulped as he glanced around. He was paler than Calum had seen him in _days_. Even when his face remained that slightly pinkish hue that was a telltale of the sunburnt having peeled off.

“You’ve never been here?” Calum asked curiously.

“No.” Ashton shook his head, blushing under Calum’s gaze. “I tried line-skates once and my teeth decided it wasn’t my thing.” The older grimaced, grabbing onto Calum’s hand like it was a lifeline. They weren’t even inside the rink yet.

He looked so queasy about this, kept eyeing the kids when they fell down, wincing every time, his free hand flying to his mouth. It was like a reflex. Any sound, and Ashton’s hand flew to his mouth. Every time. Calum observed him, confused. And then his words properly dawned on him.

“Oh my _god_ , you broke your teeth.”

Ashton tensed for a moment beside him, his hand still cutting all circulation from Calum’s. And then he turned to look at him, a sheepish smile on his face. “Just one.” Ashton said, pointing to a front tooth. But Calum couldn’t see anything weird with it, _had_ never noticed anything. “They had to take it out completely. This one’s a replacement.” The older informed him.

“A _what_? How am I hearing of this for the first time now?” Calum snorted and then quieted his giggles when he saw a blush blossoming in Ashton’s cheeks.

“Because we’re at an ice-rink, and you’ve gotta know I’m a fall-risk.” The older mumbled, looking down at his skates. And then he frowned, looking back up. “What I’m curious about is how _you_ aren’t a fall-risk. You’re ten times clumsier than I am–”

“Hey!”

“– _at least._ ” Ashton finished, giggling. “Babe, admit it. You run into everything that’s on your way. Trip over everything and nothing.” Ashton teased. And well, that was better than seemingly scared-shitless-Ashton.

“Okay.” Calum admitted under his breath. “You know, I’ve been doing this since I was like 5. If I can make it with nothing breaking that means you can too.” He beamed down at Ashton, squeezing his hold on the older’s hands. “Okay, on to the rink, baby.”

“Lead the way.” Ashton laughed, shaking his head.

Calum helped him in, trying to keep in his giggles at Ashton struggling to keep upright and not slipping up. He immediately latched onto the barrier as soon as Calum let go. Lauren had gone in first, was skating past them doing laps. Harry was still lacing up his boots outside, and Anne-Marie had declined getting in, was content taking various pictures of Lauren wheezing past.

“You know, you’re going to have to let go of that eventually.” Calum said, nodding to Ashton’s hands on the railing and fighting really hard to keep at bay the amused smile threatening to take over his face. Seeing Ashton like this was a new experience, and Calum would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying it at least a little. He was a bad person.

“Says who.” Ashton said a little too late and almost petulantly. And at that, Calum did laugh.

Ashton looked at him, almost like he was surprised by the sound, and then his eyes softened as a small smile etched into his features.

“If you let go, you’ll see it’s not that difficult to get a hang on it.” Calum tried, then offered him back his hand, hoping Ashton would take it. But Ashton only eyed it from his place, reluctant.

“You go first, do a couple of laps. I need to get myself ready. Mentally.” Ashton said, eyes still fixed on Calum’s hand. But he did jump when he heard a kid falling down somewhere behind Calum.

“You sure?” He frowned. “Baby, I don’t mind staying here wi–”

“Go skate.” Ashton said, stern. But he was also smiling, one hand coming off of the side and ushering him towards the throw of people doing laps around the rink.

Calum didn’t like the thought of leaving Ashton here, but he was starting to get cold, not moving. And Ashton did look like he needed a couple more minutes. Besides, Anne-Marie was walking towards them, the expression on her face telling Calum she got it.

“Okay, but when you’re ready you’re gonnae skate with me. Watch me go now.” He leant forward for a peck, but pulled away with a chuckle before Ashton even had a chance to reciprocate.

He hadn’t skated since December last year, him and Michael hitting up the arena in Cambridge before that night the four of them hung out together for the first time. It was weird, because it had only been a year, but for Calum it felt longer. Being with Ashton, it felt longer.

He did a couple of laps slowly, just getting warmed up. Smiled at Ashton both times he skated past him, who smiled back despite being in the middle of answering his mum.

If Calum was honest, the exercise, even as mild as it was, was helping with the weight inside his chest. Yeah, there were too many people in the rink and Calum still felt nervous being in between all of them, but the cold air on his cheeks, the sound of the skates over the ice… It somehow calmed him down. Transported him back to all those other times he had gone skating with Michael. Last year Calum had been rambling non stop about Ashton to him, giddy with the first weeks of getting to know Ashton, Michael rolling his eyes dramatically every couple of sentences. It had been a great day. It was a good memory.

After his fifth lap, he decided to check on Ashton, skating towards him and stopping just short of colliding with him with a laugh. Anne-Marie was back to watching the rink, this time her eyes following both Lauren and Harry. Ashton, though, Ashton was smiling fondly at Calum, if albeit _still_ clutching the wall behind him as a support.

“Looking good, babe.” Ashton greeted him, and Calum found himself giggling at it, which in turn made Ashton’s entire face light up.

“I can help you look _good_ too.” Calum grinned, this time crowding in and leaning for a kiss, Ashton complying his request with a small laugh.

“I can look good from the sidelines.”

“Or, you can come skate with me.” Calum nodded towards the centre of the rink, his index prodding Ashton’s stomach and suppressing a smile when he spied Ashton squirming with tickles.

“I told you it wasn’t exactly my _thing_.” Ashton finally admitted under his breath, not meeting his eyes.

“Babe, if you don’t like this, why would you choose to come here? Because Lauren and Harry were as surprised as I was.” Calum frowned, his hands reaching for Ashton’s, who reluctantly let go of the railing to let Calum lace their fingers together.

“’Cause you love ice-skating and you won’t be able to go ice-skating during holidays this year.” Ashton admitted, scrunching up his nose cutely. He was looking away, behind Calum, as he added, “And I wanted to help. Distract you.”

Something warm expanded in Calum’s chest, and he felt his cheeks heating up. Yeah. Ashton absolutely knew him.

“It’s helping.” He told the older as he leant forward and pressed his forehead to Ashton’s, taking in Ashton’s intake of breath, the way his eyes closed for a moment.

Calum regarded him for just a second, and then something clicked in his head. _Michael._ They had talked about ice-skating back when Calum was in New Zealand. Michael had suggested they go ice-skating, him and Ashton. “Ash?” Ashton hummed, opening back his eyes. “Does Michael have anything to do with this sudden idea of yours?”

“He may have mentioned your tradition, in passing.” Ashton admitted, his cheeks suddenly _very_ pink.

He knew it. He _knew_ it. Michael hadn’t insisted on it back when they talked about it, and that usually meant he hadn’t dropped it, he had just changed tactics. Which led to Calum thinking, when had Michael had time to tell Ashton about it? And then Calum’s heart skipped a beat before it started hammering inside his chest at the thought of–.

“He doesn’t _know_.” Ashton assured him, stopping him from spiralling with just three words. Calum was sure his momentary panic had shown on his face. Ashton was squeezing his hands comfortingly, and Calum let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. “He told me a few days ago. I haven’t talked to him today. He doesn’t know about last night.” Ashton explained further, and now he was looking at him all worried again, and despite his heart still beating abnormally fast, Calum tried to school his face. He swallowed and then nodded, and Ashton’s face relaxed a bit. Calum squeezed back his hands, taking a deep breath and looking down at their skates for a moment.

“I just… I know you’re missing your traditions with him this year due to being here. With me.” Ashton let go of one of his hands to reach for his face, cupping his cheek and giving him an apologetic smile when Calum met his eyes again. “But… We can start our own, right?” Ashton tried, nudging his nose before he pulled back, biting his lower lip as he waited for Calum to talk.

Calum found himself having to clear his throat before finally saying, “For that you would have to actually _skate_.” He chuckled a bit as he finished, feeling his heart beating fast against his ribcage still.

Ashton shoved him lightly, muttering under his breath, “ _Shut up_.”

He was still blushing, and Calum couldn’t help it, he leant in and pressed his lips against Ashton’s, kissing him more chastely than anything, just needing the contact. He felt Ashton’s lips curving up in a smile after a few seconds, though. He pulled back with a grin of his own.

“Come on. We’ll go slow.” Calum promised. “I won’t let go, okay?” He added, squeezing Ashton’s hand.

Ashton nodded, although he looked slightly terrified at the idea of moving. Calum decided to start skating backwards ever so slowly, easing Ashton into it without the older even noticing they were moving. At least he didn’t until he broke away from Calum’s gaze.

“You’re cheating.” He huffed, looking down at his feet.

“Rule number one, don’t look at your feet.” Calum said, choosing to ignore Ashton’s comment. “You gotta keep your eyes up or else you’ll probably end up falling on your face again.”

“Nice to know.” Ashton grumbled. And Calum couldn’t help but chuckle. Ashton’s lips twitched up at that.

“Now, I could keep pulling on you, but that’s no fun.” Calum told him. “You think you can skate if we’re side to side instead of like this?”

After that, it took about thirty minutes to coach Ashton through it, but in the end he even let go of Calum’s hand, grinning when he saw he could skate on his own, and start up and stop without losing his balance. Calum’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much, which was a really weird thing given what had happened not even twelve hours ago. It felt like it hadn’t happened to him, the attack. Felt far away. But then his body reminded him of the lack of sleep, his muscles screamed or he saw the notification of the email _still_ on his home screen –he hadn’t been able to slide it off– each time he checked the time, and then it felt like it had happened only seconds ago. But Ashton’s laughter kept him in the present. Like when the older challenged him to a race. That Calum obviously won, with how slow –read, careful– Ashton still was on the ice. And then Ashton proposed another race, and another, all in the name of wanting a chance to win. But Calum knew better.

“Are you trying to tire me out so I will be able to fall asleep after lunch?” Calum asked after he didn't know how many laps with a chuckle as he leant on his thighs, catching his breath as Ashton came to a halt next to him.

“Maybe?” Ashton laughed back, his eyes sparking as they met Calum’s. He too was panting, cheeks red with the exercise. It reminded Calum of other times Ashton looked exactly like that, only with a wee bit less clothing on. And certainly not in the middle of so many people skating past them. And his family like three meters away from them. “I was counting on you eating too much at my grandparents’ after too. Food coma.” Ashton added, wiggling his eyebrows.

It made Calum snort. “Good plan.” Then he reached for Ashton’s hand and squeezed it a couple of times, his thumb stroking over the older’s knuckles. His fingers were icy, so Calum reached for his left hand too, enclosing them both in his, trying to warm them up. Ashton was looking at their hands with a soft smile on his lips. “Thank you for this, Ash.”

Ashton looked up, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t really have to.

They stayed like that for a few minutes. Calum would have felt embarrassed if he had been able to tear his eyes away from Ashton’s long enough to be able to remember just where they were. It almost felt like that first time they had met at Topshop. Calum had felt unable to break his eyes away from Ashton’s when they met even that first day, and he was sure they had done their fair share of staring into each other’s eyes for strangers to have been able to notice it. To this day, he wondered how no one had come walking down the aisle through their whole interaction.

They had to break away when Lauren came sliding to them, though, but Ashton stayed tucked into Calum’s side even as he turned to look at her. Calum had lost sight of Harry, he wasn’t in the rink, and Anne Marie was talking on the phone.

“Mum says we should be going in around 10 minutes.” Lauren informed them when she came to a stop next to them.

“Okay.” Calum nodded, then turned to Ashton, “What do you think, Ash? Is that enough time for you for one last race?” He teased, winking at him.

“Oh, fuck off.” Ashton rolled his eyes.

“He’s got a point, though.” Lauren snorted. “You’re _slow_.”

Calum laughed at that, but soon tried to repress it with the look Ashton sent him.

“You’re both horrible to me.” He grumbled, and then let go of Calum’s hand, skating away.

Both Calum and Lauren looked at each other with twin frowns before Ashton turned back at them and said with a smirk, “Are we racing or not?”

Lauren shrugged and skated towards Ashton, then taking a stance as if she was preparing to sprint off in a run instead of being on skates. There were fewer people going in circles now, which actually meant they could properly race. Calum didn’t take much time to skate to them, getting ready as well.

“Three, two, one, go!” Lauren laughed, and dashed away, faster than Calum could even register her talking. It didn’t take much for him to catch up with her, though. He wanted to glance behind him to check on Ashton, but he knew it wasn’t wise given the momentum he had going on. He and Lauren were almost tied the entire lap, Lauren finally winning in the last few meters, letting out a victory laugh as she came to a stop, looking at him with a breathless smile.

“Not bad, Calum.”

“You beat me, though. You’re good.” Calum chuckled back, trying to regain his breath and turning to look for Ashton. And as he found him, Calum wished he hadn’t teased Ashton into the race in the first place.

“Fuck. _Fuck_.”

Ashton was just a ways off, Calum’s eyes landing on him just as he fell down backwards after trying to dodge a kid who had crossed his path. Calum felt himself unable to breath in the time it took for Ashton to sit up. But he was clutching the hand he had used to stop his fall to his chest, face scrunched up in pain, and Calum feared the worst.

“Ash?” He let out in a whisper from where he was standing, still a good three metres away from Ashton. When Lauren rushed by him, Calum realised he hadn’t moved and sprung into action. His heart had started pounding inside his chest again, and Calum felt mildly nauseous. When he got to them, Lauren was already kneeling next to Ashton. “Baby, are you okay?” Calum asked as he dropped to his knees too, reaching for Ashton’s hand.

“ _No_.” Ashton winced.

Calum bit his lip, worried as he tried looking for a fracture on Ashton’s arm.

“Is it…?” He ventured, not daring to say it out loud. If he hadn’t teased him… But Ashton shook his head.

“It’s not broken.” Ashton said through his teeth, and Calum could tell he was trying to mask the pain he really felt. “Maybe a sprain. I’m not sure.”

Lauren’s eyes crossed with his before she said, “I’ll go get ice.” And then she was skating away.

There were some tears in the older’s eyes, and Calum swallowed past the guilt expanding inside himself, past the way his heart was beating inside his chest. Ashton came first.

“Let’s get you up and out of here.” He said, getting up himself carefully and helping Ashton –if albeit difficult without taking both of the older’s hands. Once they were both standing upright, Calum put Ashton’s good arm around his shoulders and slid his left arm around Ashton’s waist. “Come on, lean on me.”

He took them slowly towards the exit, not registering the people that were actually moving out of the way and looking at them as they made their way out. He was slightly dizzy, and he forced himself to control his breathing, closing his eyes for a moment and squeezing Ashton closer to him.

“This is my fault.” Calum muttered as he stepped outside of the rink, helping Ashton out after him.

“What?” Ashton stared at him, frowning. “It’s not.” Ashton said with a short laugh, shaking his head. His eyes were still teary, which meant the injury wasn’t something to brush off. “How can it be?”

“I teased you.” Calum winced, then walked down the hallway to the changing rooms, tugging on Ashton’s good hand. “I made you agree to the race.” He added, glancing at Ashton beside him, the older still holding his hand to his chest. “And before that. You said skating wasn’t your thing, and you still did it. You did this for me, and now you have a sprain. Fuck.” Calum muttered, pressing his fingers to his eyelids.

“You didn’t make me go fast _or_ fall.” Ashton chuckled again, and Calum opened his eyes to look at him. Ashton’s laughter fell off his lips when their eyes met, though, and he grew serious. “Cal, this wasn’t your fault. I tried to dodge the kid. I slipped. Two entirely normal things that can happen on a rink.” He said. Calum knew he was right, but he couldn’t shake the feeling inside his chest. He had to look away from Ashton’s face.

“You know, I didn’t break any teeth _or_ got any limbs cut off by any blades, so I consider this a win.”

“You just _sprained_ your wrist, Ash.” Calum mumbled, his thumb brushing over Ashton’s knuckles as he stared at their joined hands. He couldn’t look back at the older. If Calum hadn’t suggested another race, Ashton would have probably never fallen down. He wouldn’t be hurt. Because of Calum.

“We don’t know it’s a sprain. It can just be sore.” Ashton said calmly. “I think it’s just tender from taking the brunt of the fall. I’ll know in a few hours.”

Calum watched him silently for a few seconds.

“You’re still hurt, Ash. Because of me, for coming here.”

“Cal.”

The tone in Ashton’s voice had a finality to it, made Calum tear his eyes away from their hands, looking up to find Ashton staring at him with a look that meant he expected Calum to drop it.

“This wasn’t your fault.” The older repeated. He looked as if he was waiting on Calum to acknowledge his words, so Calum reluctantly gave a small nod in return. “I did warn you I was a fall-risk.” Ashton chuckled softly, clearly trying to make Calum laugh with it. But Calum couldn’t find it in himself to do it. Ashton was hurt, and he was still the one trying to make Calum feel better. Just like last year when Ashton had told him about Bec and yet he had been the one comforting Calum about his Nan. It wasn’t… It wasn’t _right_. “Please.” Ashton whispered when the silence stretched too much.

Calum met his eyes for a moment before mentally slapping himself out of it. He had promised Bec just that morning that he would do his best. He was clearly out to a spectacular fail of a start. So he willed himself to relax again, letting his lips tilt up slightly in a smile. “Let’s get you sat down and out of those skates and I’ll go see if Lauren sound some ice.”

Ashton stared at him as a slow grin took over his face, and Calum knew what he was about to say before he even opened his mouth.

“Well, there’s the entire rink.”

“Baby.”

Ashton just barked up a laugh. “Come on, you made it easy for me to go right there.”

Calum found himself unable to resist Ashton’s laughter, his own lips tilting up. This time with a genuine smile. But when the traces of Ashton’s mirth inevitably faded away from the older’s eyes, letting the pain beneath be visible again, Calum’s smile fell too.

“I’m sorry.”

“Calum.”

“Okay.”

* * *

“Hey.” Calum whispered to the phone as he stepped outside Ashton’s grandparents’ living room, walking down the hall towards the entrance. Michael had called just as Ashton’s grandmother was serving them some coffee, and Calum had excused himself to get the unexpected call. Michael usually texted first.

Now his best friend was talking a mile a minute on his ear, and between the loud laughter coming from the living room and the noise of the TV, Calum couldn’t pick up on any of it. As if that wasn’t enough, there seemed to be some kind of interference, Michael’s voice coming fragmented.

“Hey, Michael, slow down. It’s breaking up.” Calum said, going to grab the front door’s handle only to find Ashton’s hand already there, the older having followed him out, head gesturing for Calum to step outside as he held the door open. Only Calum couldn’t move. “ _What the hell_.” He muttered to his phone, trying to process what Michael was saying. Ashton looked at him quizzically, and Calum held up his hand, listening in to Michael. Until, “ _What?!_ “ He shouted, and then realised where they were and took Ashton’s previous invitation to step outside.

“What’s wrong?” Ashton asked, his brows furrowed. Calum felt another pang of guilt on his chest when his eyes slid over Ashton’s left arm in the sling they had had to improvise at the rink, but he suppressed it.

“It’s about Grace.” Calum mouthed to him, still listening to Michael and resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his best friend.

“Is she okay?” Ashton pressed.

“I think so, yeah.” Calum said, then covered his microphone and whispered, “But they’ve had a row.”

“Oh.”

Michael had fallen silent now, but Calum could still hear him sniffling from time to time. He pinched his eyes, sighing as he wished he was back there. “Michael, it’ll be okay. You guys just need to talk it through.” He said, even when he knew the words wouldn’t make a dent in Michael right now. “Can I put you on speaker? Ash is with me.” He said for the older’s benefit, who was still looking at him all kinds of worried. Besides, he knew Ashton would probably handle this a thousand times better than himself right now.

Calum was tired and cranky, and the feeling of guilt over Ashton’s wrist weighed heavily on his chest, adding to the pressure about the email and the not talking with his own family. And the panic attack. And the being unable to book a fucking appointment with his GP, because he had tried to. He opened the app and all. He had just never got past the logging in phase. And he felt… It was best if Ashton helped with Michael. It just was.

When Michael gave him the okay, he pressed the speaker button as quick as he could.

“ _I fucked up, man_.” Michael’s voice came through as soon as Calum pushed the button.

“What happened?” Ashton asked, but he still held Calum’s gaze.

“ _Grace proposed._ ”

Calum observed Ashton. From the twitch of his eyebrow to the way his eyes widened at the news. He looked like he didn’t know what to say. Well. Calum got that. He had been the same, except he had _yelled_ at Michael. He shrunk in on himself when he realised with a start that _that_ had been when Michael had started crying harder.

“Oh.” Was what Ashton decided on as an answer, in the end.

Calum sent him a look as if to say _‘yeah, I know’_.

“You said…?” Ashton trailed off, looking down at the phone in Calum’s hand.

“ _I didn’t say **anything**. I froze._” Michael said, his voice breaking as a sob overtook him. Calum felt his heart constricting inside his chest. No matter how stupid he considered Michael’s reaction had been, it still hurt like hell listening to him like this. “ _She took it the wrong way. She’s not here._ ” Michael added in a much quieter voice.

Ashton seemed hesitant, biting his lower lip. His eyes flickered for a moment to Calum’s, probably looking for any pointers as to what to do now, but hell if Calum knew. If he had been back home, he would have driven to Michael’s and hugged him, and then maybe dragged him to Grace’s friend’s place and made him apologise. But right now, here, ten thousand miles away, he was at a loss.

“Why didn’t you stop her?” Ashton asked delicately, almost like he was unsure of it that would make Michael sob harder.

“ _I don’t know. I… She said she needed to go. I wouldn’t stop her from doing what she needed._ ” Michael muttered. He sounded so tired. “ _I had honestly never thought about it properly before. Marriage._ ” That was bullshit, Calum knew. Of course Michael had thought about it. He was just spooked about, well… “ _Like yeah, sure. I’d like to be with her forever, but like, **marriage**?_”

“Michael.” Calum whined, couldn’t help himself.

“ _I know, I’m stupid_.”

“You’re not stupid.” Ashton said at the same time as Calum whispered ‘ _well, duh’._ It earned him a clearly not amused look from Ashton, and Calum felt like an ice-cold bath washed over him, grew back to serious in an instant. He felt like this was the last thing he needed right now, and he was well aware of how he was acting. Like a complete and utter arsehole. But he was just so _tired_. Drained. It didn’t excuse him from being kind of a dick to Michael, though. Nothing could excuse that. Especially when he hadn’t even told him about his current… state. Not that Calum would tell him now or soon. Even less chance of that after this bomb.

“I should be there.” Calum mumbled, perhaps too quiet for even Ashton to hear.

He should’ve been there. With Michael. For Michael. Being away… Calum could do nothing from here. He didn’t know how to help from afar.

“Where is she now?” Ashton asked, focusing back on Michael.

“ _She left a couple hours ago. Staying at a friend’s._ ” Michael muttered, a couple of sniffles coming through. “ _We were just… there was yelling, and then we dwindled down, and then._ _Grace said she just needed the night._ ”

“Wait, that was two hours ago?” Calum suddenly asked. “And you’re calling me just now? _Michael_.” Calum groaned exasperatedly. Then he reined himself in, breathed in as Ashton sent him another one of those murderous looks. “You need to talk to her. Calmly. Make a fucking list with bullet points if you need to, Mike. She’s _good_.”

“ _I know. Fuck, I even know my answer was always going to be yes. She knows it too. At least I hope she does.”_ Michael mumbled, and Calum really fucking hated being far away from him. _“It just–. The whole thing caught me off guard. I’ve been worried enough about the store closing down that I haven’t–_ ”

“The _what_ now?” Calum exclaimed, looking down at his phone. He couldn’t have heard that right.

“ _Oh shit. Fuck. No. You didn’t hear anything._ “ Michael babbled. “ _I didn’t say anything. You didn’t hear anything. Please forget about that, Calum._ ”

Calum knew he was gaping, he could feel Ashton was staring at him. But he couldn’t move. He couldn’t process. Store? Closing?... _What_?

Not surprisingly, Ashton was more collected than him. And after clearing his throat with a small cough, he asked slowly, “Topman is closing down?”

The following five seconds went by excruciatingly slowly for Calum.

He heard Michael swallowing. “ _We don’t know yet_.” Michael admitted with a low voice. _“They’re waiting for this last trimester’s performance review._ “

And then something suddenly clicked in Calum’s brain. Michael, coming to their place without checking in first that day in November. The way he had looked, going there straight from work. The way he had avoided answering Calum every time he had prodded then and after. Whenever Calum had tried getting out of him what was going on. When Calum had asked him what had him so worried. Because it didn’t start that day. It started earlier. November had just been when Calum finally pulled his head out of his ass and noticed and asked about it. And Michael had been telling him it was nothing. That he didn’t have to worry.

“When were you going to tell me?” He found himself asking, still trying to digest the news. But that Michael had kept his worries from him hurt even more. Because Calum had seen him. He had seen what Michael was going through. Calum could have fucking have been there for him.

“ _I was hoping I wouldn’t have to tell you._ “ Michael admitted. He almost sounded guilty.

“What would it mean for you? The store closing down.” Ashton piped up.

And holy fuck. Calum hadn’t gotten that far. He had been preoccupied with Michael not telling him to even think about the _consequences_ of the store closing.

“ _They’re opening a branch in London they could potentially ask me to oversee._ “ Michael sighed.

Calum looked up from his phone, meeting Ashton’s eyes.

“Fuck.” Ashton muttered under his breath.

If… If the store closed down, though. Then that meant… For Calum. For Calum, that meant–.

“And my job?” He asked, his voice sounding strangely thin even to his own ears.

“ _I don’t know, Cal.”_ Michael replied quietly. _“We’ll know after the holidays. I’m sorry._ “

Oh.

His eyes met with Ashton’s, and the older had such a worried expression on his face that it made Calum frown. He wondered what his own face was doing. He felt… Calum felt numb. He couldn’t even feel his heartbeat anymore. It was like everything had just… stopped. Ashton took a step closer to him, reached for his hand, and Calum could do nothing. Prague. Ashton’s glee when he had been able to skate on his own. Last night’s fight with Ashton. The gardenias on the cemetery. Lashing out at Michael at the beginning of the call. The lovely lunch they had just had with Ashton’s family. The attack. Ashton soothing him through it. Michael sobbing at the thought of having fucked up with Grace. The guilt of pushing Ashton to a last race, having him ending up injured.

Calum felt like an outsider to his own life, almost like he was looking at what was happening from above.

And then his brain finally processed what Michael had said before that. When Ashton asked about the consequences for him. London. _London_. That thought sparked the littlest feeling in him. Proud. He was… proud of Michael. Like that would be fucking fantastic for Michael, overseeing a whole new branch. Such a great opportunity. And he deserved it so, so much.

Overseeing a branch in London. Wow.

In… London.

“You’re moving.” Calum realised.

And then he did _feel_. Everything all at once. The weight on his chest, Ashton’s worried eyes. Michael moving away. There was a tear tracking down his cheek, and he didn’t even remember having blinked. It felt strange.

“ _We don’t know, Cal._ ” Michael said. They had talked about it. Michael and Grace. They had to have talked about it before. “ _Grace… Grace works there. It would make sense._ ”

“It would make sense.” Calum echoed.

“ _Are you okay? You sound weird._ ” Michael said, and even through the speaker Calum could tell Michael was worried. He hastily wiped the tear from his cheek away and cleared his throat.

“I’m okay.” Calum said and tried ignoring the pointed look Ashton threw him. Calum would tell Michael –if he did, _at all_ – once they were face to face. Michael had enough on his plate with Grace. Calum wasn’t going to throw this in too.

“ _Ashton?_ ”

 _I’m not lying for you_ , Ashton mouthed at him, to which Calum mouthed back _please_. Ashton stared at him for a couple of seconds before he sighed. “We’re just tired, Mike. We went stargazing last night.”

“ _Oh, that’s nice._ ” Michael said, and Calum knew he was confused and was probably still worried. But he let it slide. Just like Calum had let Michael slide his bullshit the past few weeks.

“ _You guys think she’ll even talk to me?_ ” Michael murmured after the silence stretched a bit too long.

“Of course she will, Mike. She loves you.” Calum reassured him. “She _knows_ you. You both can move past this. Talk everything out. You will be fine.”

“ _Okay_.” Michael’s voice was small, and despite the bomb Michael had just dropped on him, Calum wished for the hundredth time he could be there to give him a hug. Everything would work out with them in the end. Of that, Calum was sure. Grace and Michael loved each other. They would work past whatever this had been.

“Tell us how it goes, okay? Please.” He forced himself to say, swallowing dryly past the knot in his throat.

“ _Yeah, yeah_.” Michael promised. “ _Um. You… you guys have fun tonight.”_ Michael said, almost like he had just remembered it was literally Christmas Eve in Australia. _“And a good flight, if I can’t catch you before you board._ ” He added.

“Thanks, Michael.” Ashton said, smiling a bit before he met back Calum’s eyes and it fell.

“Good luck. You have this.” Calum said, trying to put on a cheery voice. He wasn’t convinced it had sounded like so, though. “Love you.”

“Love you too, guys.”

And then Michael was gone.

They stood there for a whole minute. Silent. Calum still holding his phone between them. The fucking twinkling green light of the email still taunting him. When he finally dared to lock his phone and pocket it, his eyes meeting Ashton’s, the older looked as worried if not more than he had been last night when Calum woke him up.

“Cal–”

“So.” Calum said at the same time. And Ashton’s words apparently died in his mouth, because he stayed with his mouth half open, looking at him like he wasn’t sure how Calum was going to react. Which way he was going to go now. Panic? Numb? To be honest, Calum didn’t know either. Until he felt a weird nervous laughter coming up his throat. “Well. Unemployment sounds great. Good day today.” He said, smiling in a way that made him feel like he was insane. He probably was, with the way Ashton’s eyes widened momentarily.

“Michael said it may not happen.” Ashton reminded him gently.

Calum just stared at him. After half a minute, Ashton sighed, looking away.

“Well, if I needed a sign to knock me on my arse for even considering not taking Prague –if that’s what that email says anyway and I actually have a job there–, this was certainly it. Fun times.” Calum let out in a tirade. He couldn’t even recognise the sound of his own voice. He looked away into the street, suddenly the heat of the sun feeling out of place on his arms. “Let’s go back inside.”

Ashton reached for him, his fingers wrapping softly around Calum’s wrist. He looked unsure of what to say. “Babe.”

Calum shook his head, though. Then swallowed, looking at the ground before repeating, “Let’s go back inside.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise again for the too long of a break between chapters 😔😔


	11. Neutron Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. I was surprised myself when I realised I had this almost ready to post in less than a month since the last update hahahah  
> Hope you guys enjoy it! Also, happy holidays if you celebrate! ^^ Hope you're having a grand time as well if you don't 💙💙

“You and Calum aren’t going to come live here, right? You’re not coming back.”

Calum stopped dead in his tracks, hand halfway to the bathroom door. It was Lauren’s voice, no doubt. Even when he was still half-asleep, having just woken up, he could tell.

“Don’t think so, Laur.” Ashton said. Their voices were muffled, but not so much that Calum couldn’t hear them well enough. “Not in that sense.”

Were they in Lauren’s bedroom? Was he hearing something he shouldn’t? He definitely was. Ashton hadn’t been in his room when Calum woke up from their nap –Calum had managed to fall asleep, but he couldn’t say his brain had agreed. He felt like he was still half-asleep, not processing anything in real time–.

“It’s not fair.” Calum was confused for a moment, because it almost sounded like Ashton again, but, “Why should you be the one to stay away from home?” Harry protested.

“It is not like that, Harry.” Ashton sighed. Even in his haze, Calum could picture the face he was making. “Hope you both understand that it is not like _that_.” His boyfriend stressed, and Calum felt something in his chest at his tone, but it wasn’t the warmth Ashton’s voice usually made bloom inside Calum. It was something else. Calum was in the middle of yawning when Ashton spoke up again, “I have built something there, guys. A life. And I do love being here, I’ve missed you. I hate missing you when I’m away, but…” Ashton stopped for a moment. “This doesn’t feel like home anymore. Cambridge does.”

For a long while no one else spoke out loud. Calum was starting to properly realise just what conversation he had stumbled onto, the weight in his chest that had been present since last night suddenly reminding him it hadn’t left at all. For the couple of minutes that had taken him to shuffle from Ashton’s bed to the bathroom, eyes still half closed, then taking a leak and washing his hands before stumbling into this conversation, Calum had felt almost normal again. He had forgotten.

There was some shuffling on the other side of the wall, and then some corner of Calum’s brain registered just how well the sound carried, and he cringed as he remembered Ashton sucking him off with Lauren right next-door last week. Fuck.

Not a great thought to have invaded him right now.

“Laur.”

Calum thought he probably should have left the bathroom and padded back to Ashton’s room, stopped listening. But for some reason he was frozen there, his hand still halfway to the doorknob.

“I’m sorry. It was just weird, you not being here for so long. I cannot imagine it being permanent.” Lauren said, her tone clipped. There was some more movement. A chair. Calum had to strain to be able to decipher her next words, a lot quieter, “I always thought you would come back eventually.”

“It’s permanent.” Ashton said. Calum’s heart gave a weird lurch inside his chest, but he ignored it for the time being. After last night, Ashton’s explanation, even when Calum would probably side with Harry, inquiring about why it had to be Ashton the one to move away from his home country, he also had to at least give Ashton some credit on him knowing what he wanted. Calum knew the older hadn’t lied to him, and that he believed completely in what he had said, both last night and just now. If Ashton said Australia didn’t feel like home anymore to him, then it didn’t.

“Okay.” Lauren said eventually. Calum wished he could see her face.

There was another lull in the conversation, and Calum thought he ought to leave, go back to Ashton’s room. He had heard enough. He was sure they had to have known someone was next door. The toilet flush made a ruckus, and then the tap opening and closing, they must have heard that. But he still opened the door as quietly as he could, and tiptoed towards Ashton’s room, past Lauren’s slightly ajar one. He was almost at the end of the hall when he heard Ashton speak again.

“I’m sorry.” There was something else in Ashton’s tone. Something Calum had only heard in a couple of talks they had had.

“It’s alright.” Lauren said, and to Calum it almost sounded like she was holding back tears. “We’ll get used to it, Ashton.”

“Yeah.” Harry corroborated his sister’s words. “Besides, Lauren’s going away for Uni. I’m staying here with mum. Everything is already changing.”

“I know I am–. I know it looks a lot like _leaving_.” Calum should have definitely gone back inside Ashton’s room. Hearing Ashton sounding like that… It made him want to run inside Lauren’s room and hug him until Ashton couldn’t breathe. But this was a thing between him and his family. “But I’m not leaving. Okay? I’m not going anywhere, figuratively.” Ashton assured them. Calum heard him clearing his throat. “Harry, you know that, right?”

“But you said it yourself, you have a _life_ there. You’re probably going to settle there with Calum, start a family. That means even more time in between each time you come back here.” Harry said quietly.

Calum felt his chest warming up at the thought of Ashton and him starting a family. But he also felt awful, hearing it coming from Harry with the implications that Ashton wasn’t going to be there for them. He tried imagining what it would have been like for him if Mali-Koa had moved out for uni, how he would have felt. And then Calum realised it wouldn’t amount to even a smidge of what Harry must have felt when Ashton did move away for uni, or when Ashton flew away to the UK two years ago. He and Mali were close, but Ashton had practically helped raise Harry and Lauren.

“I’m sorry.” Ashton apologised again. Calum felt his own eyes fill with tears.

“We know it’s not… We know why, Ash.” Lauren said. Calum was sure now that she was holding back tears. “ _I_ know why, so don’t worry.” More rustling, the chair again. “It’s okay, Ashton. We’ll be okay.”

There was a choked sob that could come from none other than Ashton, and Calum closed his eyes for a moment, feeling a couple of tears sliding down his cheek. And then he heard some steps, again some rustling, and Calum knew Ashton had got up to hug her. For sure.

What he was surprised to hear, when Ashton quieted down his sobs, was Lauren saying, “I really do like Calum, Ash. A lot. I never lied about that.”

 _What_?

“Funny way of showing it.” Ashton grunted.

_Lauren didn’t hate him?_

“I’m sorry.” Lauren apologised. If Calum could have processed it in real time, he would have said she sounded embarrassed. “I know I’ve been… difficult.”

“I think he’s cool.” Harry piped in. “Are you guys going to get married here or there?”

Calum’s heart gave a lurch.

“Wow there, buddy.” Ashton said, his voice quite shaky. Calum was frozen.

“What?” Harry asked, sounding clearly confused.

Lauren broke out into a laugh. “They’re not even engaged yet, Harry. Ashton will let us know when they are.”

“ _When_? Not if?” Ashton blurted.

At that, both Lauren and Harry started laughing harder. “If you don’t ask him soon, I can see him beating you to it. Getting down on one knee.” Lauren laughed. “Come on, Ash. He’s head over heels for you. We’d have to be blind not to see that, with the way he _looks_ at you.”

Calum didn’t get to hear Ashton’s answer, but he could imagine his face. His own was flaming hot. When he touched his cheeks, he was shocked to find them wet with tears as well as warm from all the blood that had rushed there.

He quietly wiped away his own tears and decided he had already eavesdropped on enough conversation. Calum was just about to finally go back inside Ashton’s room when he suddenly noticed Anne-Marie at the top of the stairs, her eyes misty as well, carrying a stack of freshly ironed clothes. She smiled at him, complicit, and then walked down the hallway towards Harry’s room. Didn’t even mention that he was quite literally listening in to a conversation he wasn’t exactly supposed to. But Calum still took it as the definite cue to get back inside Ashton’s room.

It seemed like the universe was making it very hard for him not to listen in to conversations he wasn’t supposed to today, though, because just as he was softly closing the door behind him, he heard Ashton walking out of Lauren’s and down the corridor towards his room, then Lauren calling out to him.

“Hey, Ash, wait up.” Ashton’s steps stopped, but Calum could hear them quite close to him. He didn’t know if he should lay down again, pretend he was asleep for when Ashton came back in.

“Is… is Calum okay?” Lauren asked hesitantly.

“Yeah. Why are you asking?”

A pause. Calum held his breath. But he already knew why Lauren was asking. “Ash, I woke up. Last night.” She said quietly. “And I saw… I saw his reaction today at the rink. And after lunch he was…”

“Oh.”

Calum couldn’t even pretend to be surprised at Lauren having noticed he was slightly –way– out of it today. And she had also seen him that morning at six am, shaky as fuck. Calum wasn’t even sure how he hadn’t scared the hell out of her. He had seen himself in a mirror when they came back from the cemetery and he had looked… not good. And after Michael called… He wasn’t exactly okay. Ashton’s grandparents hadn’t commented on it, but Calum had seen in their faces they too had noticed. As had Anne-Marie. And well, apparently Lauren too. Calum really was a fucking mess.

“It’s… he’ll be okay.” Ashton said, letting out a sigh right after.

Calum wanted to believe him. Calum wanted not to worry him. Calum wanted to fix his own fucked up mind.

“Okay.” Was Lauren’s quiet response to Ashton.

Calum looked down at his hands, opening them back up slowly and looking staring vacantly at the crescent-moon-like marks his own nails had left in his palms. He had to stop doing that.

“Um, I want to ask you something. It’ll take just a minute.” Lauren suddenly said, and Calum was left there, hearing Ashton and her walking away again.

By the time Ashton came back, Calum had settled back on the bed, and was filing his nails to the point where he knew he would be unable to hurt himself when he dug them in his palms while closing his fists.

“Hey, you’re awake.” Ashton smiled at him.

“Hi.” Calum tried to smile back, but he wasn’t sure it reached his eyes.

And Ashton noticed, and then he glanced down, his eyes landing on the file. He crossed the floor in two strides and sat down next to him. Then, he took his hands in his gently and smiled –albeit sadly–. “Let me?”

Calum relinquished the file and let Ashton finish the job for him. The older didn’t ask why Calum was doing this now. Didn’t ask why he had opened up his suitcase just to search for the file. Probably didn’t have to. Probably knew _exactly_ why. And so, Ashton just diligently filed his nails until there were no uneven edges or anything that could cause a scratch.

“Varnish?” Ashton asked.

Calum nodded towards his open suitcase.

“Black?”

Calum nodded again, biting his lower lip. He didn’t know if he should tell Ashton he had overheard his conversation with Lauren and Harry. But the older sat back down without another word and got to work.

It was nice. Ashton was wearing his glasses now, looked awfully cuddly in an old band tee and basketball shorts. Barefoot. Hair a mess. Homey. It made Calum feel _soft_.

He indulgently took the time to observe the older when he painted the first coat, while they waited for it to dry before starting on the second one. Ashton looked tired. He looked kind of worried, too, whenever his eyes flickered up to meet with Calum’s. But he had this air of melancholy hanging over him that Calum wished he could lift. There was nothing to be done, though. They were leaving in a few hours.

“You know, I’ve missed this.” Ashton said, biting his tongue in concentration.

“Yeah?”

“Hm-hum.” Ashton hummed. “Miss cooking with you in our kitchen, too.”

Ashton was clearly trying to think about the things waiting for them back at home in order for their imminent departure not to hurt too much. Calum indulged him. It was the least he could do.

“I miss it too. Miss Gardenia. We need to go when we’re back.” He smiled when he saw Ashton’s lips tilt up the slightest bit at the mention of Gardenia. Fuck, and did Calum miss their place. He didn’t miss the deep cleaning they would have to do once they were both back at their flat, though. Specially... “I _don’t_ miss vacuuming our carpet.”

“Me neither” Ashton snorted.

Calum stared at the brush, Ashton trying his best not to paint outside of his nails. The older had gotten quite good, Calum had to admit. He was holding his hand right over his thigh, and Calum knew it had to be difficult to paint like that, but he wasn’t about to ask Ashton to hold his hand higher when his wrist was still sore.

“I think I will miss vacuuming the carpet if I go. Which is weird. Thinking that I will miss _cleaning_ , of all things.” He found himself saying.

He didn’t lift his eyes from their hands. Ashton sat straighter, reaching to dip the brush on the bottle once again, then coming back. He too didn’t look up from Calum’s fingers.

“Well, you would come back ready and eager to clean up our place with me.” Ashton jested, though. It made Calum let out a snort. Ashton’s lips turned up upon hearing it, his eyes flickering for just a moment to Calum’s before concentrating back on his task. “We would be okay, Cal. It’s not going to affect _us_.”

“No. I _know_ that.” Calum nodded even when the older couldn’t see him doing it.

It wasn’t about that. He had no doubts whatsoever about them. Apparently that translated well into how he looked at Ashton, if Lauren was to be believed. And Anne-Marie. And Mali-Koa before that. Was he _that_ obvious?

“You know–” Calum giggled, unable to stop himself and laughing even harder when Ashton sent him a look that could kill for having moved his hand on his thigh, almost making the brush paint across his knuckles. “–, when I went to the studio for my tat, Mali asked in a really, totally not-subtle-at-all way, how serious we were. She said something like, _‘you know, tattoos are permanent’._ “

“Why do people always ask that?” Ashton snorted, shaking his head. Calum laughed right back at him.

“I know, right?” He chuckled. His eyes travelled down from Ashton’s, along his jaw, his old tee, his hand holding Calum’s still as he painted his pinkie. “I told her you were permanent.” Calum admitted quietly.

Ashton didn’t say anything, determined to finish his work. But he did smile, at first small, then it grew until it reached his eyes, small crinkles appearing. Calum had a twin smile on his own lips.

“She then proceeded to ask me if she could help me ring shop.” Calum giggled, taking his hand back from under Ashton’s when the older tapped him twice, signalling he had finished. Calum studied his nails. Yup. Ashton had got _pretty good_.

“Wow, and here I thought we were going to go ring shopping together.” Ashton teased as he met Calum’s eyes, smiling in that way that only showed his upper teeth, dimples deepening.

“I’d actually be _into_ that. Is that weird?” Calum wondered out loud.

Ashton laughed, “Well, it takes one element of surprise off of a proposal.”

The word made Calum freeze for a moment, recalling Michael’s anguished voice. How he wished he could be there… It was still early over there for him to have talked to Grace yet, so Calum tried not to stress about it too. Michael would text as soon as anything happened.

“Would a proposal even be a surprise for us?” Calum mused. Because, yeah, for Michael and Grace maybe it had been a surprise. They were great together, but Calum had always thought talking wasn’t exactly their strong suit. Unlike him and Ashton. “We’ve talked about getting married. _Multiple_ times. How could a proposal ever be a surprise for us?”

“Are you kidding? The when and where? That would still be a surprise. And I want to be wooed.” Ashton said, completely serious.

It only made Calum snort, “I seem to recall you _threatening_ me not to be the one to propose because I would, and I am quoting you here, _‘do something so fucking romantic that people wouldn’t believe it was true’_.”

Ashton stared at him for the whole of five seconds before he exclaimed, “You totally would do something unbelievable! It’s not my fault you’re like straight out of a romance novel. You _literally_ make me weak in my knees with just a handful of words almost daily.”

His outraged tone sent Calum into a fit of giggles, doubling over and falling into Ashton’s lap as he clutched his stomach, laughing even harder when he saw Ashton’s half-annoyed expression as he visibly _struggled_ not to give into laughter too. He even pretended Calum wasn’t giggling on his lap, instead reaching for the varnish bottle and screwing it close. Calum eventually calmed down, but fuck if it didn’t feel good. To laugh like that. To feel… happy. In the midst of everything else. Even if it was brief.

Ashton was observing him with poorly disguised fondness now, shaking his head softly at him. Calum cocked his head, raising his eyebrows at him. Ashton bit his lower lip, his entire face lighting up like he had just had an idea. “You know, we could do both.” Ashton wiggled his eyebrows at him. “I propose. You propose. We just don’t know _when._ How. Where.”

Calum felt his own lips slowly pulling up in an excited grin, caught up in Ashton’s excitement. “Yeah? Sneak attack each other with a proposal?”

“I fucking _love_ that idea.” Ashton said, eyes shining. “First, we choose the rings together, then it’s free range for proposals.”

Calum looked at him for a few seconds, taking him in. The excitement. The happiness. Kind of washing over everything else going on in his mind and in his chest. Suddenly remembered Lauren saying she could see him going down on one knee. And yeah, Calum could see himself asking Ashton for real. But not today. He _could_ jest about it with him, though. Ashton had said he liked the idea of a sneak attack, hadn’t he?

“So.” He said, hoping his nails were properly dry and he wouldn’t fuck them up when reaching for Ashton’s hands. The older had taken off the sling when they arrived at his house, but Calum was still careful with his wrist. “Will you marry me, then, Ash?” He asked, almost daring Ashton to keep up with the play.

But Ashton didn’t bite. “No ring, no promises, babe.” He joked, breaking into laughter right after.

“But engagement rings are expensive as fuck.” Calum complained, laughing it off even when deep inside he knew that would be one of the decisive factors in him asking Ashton later than he would like.

Ashton grinned back at him before he said, “I’d marry you with paper rings.”

“If you break out into a Taylor Swift song right now, I swear…”

“ _Excuse you_ , we learnt those lyrics together.” Ashton snorted, taking his good hand from Calum’s and shoving him lightly. It made Calum laugh, too. It felt good. And at least Ashton was properly smiling now. His voice sounded nothing like it had when talking with his siblings before, and he looked way less worried than he had when he had come in to find Calum filing his nails. The sadness over leaving in a few hours was still there, but it was fainter. A little banter was always good. Even the weight inside Calum’s chest had lifted the tiniest bit for a brief moment.

“Can you do mine now?” Ashton asked, nodding first towards the varnish on his nightstand and then wiggling his fingers in front of Calum’s face.

“For real?” Calum beamed, surprised. It had been quite a while since Ashton last asked him to paint his nails.

“I’m not working, so I can. We can match.”

“Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it.” Calum agreed way too easily. He reached for the varnish, his left hand taking Ashton’s hand carefully in his. “Tell me if your wrist hurts, though.”

Calum hadn’t accounted for his own hands shaking, and he fucked up a couple of times, but Ashton didn’t mention it. He only smiled at him all throughout. His wrist didn’t look swollen, that much was true. But Ashton _had_ winced when Calum accidentally tugged on his hand to watch his work better in the afternoon sun coming from the window, apologising profusely after. So maybe it wasn’t a sprain, but it was definitely not all good. When Calum finished, he settled the brush back on its bottle on the bedside table before leaning down to press a light kiss on his wrist. The way he could feel Ashton’s heartbeat picking up at the action with his thumb on the older’s pulse made warmth explode inside himself.

When he looked up, he found Ashton already looking at him, cheeks a good pink, the _warmest_ emotion shining in his eyes. And this. Calum would have _this_ –if fate allowed– for the rest of his life. He would have _this_ with Ashton. Happiness. Even if everything else was… whatever it was right now. Calum was happy in this exact moment. Such a trivial action, painting their nails. A normal conversation. Some light teasing. And it had brought forth so many feelings. Calum would get to have exactly this in a thousand different ways with Ashton. That was his future. No matter what.

No matter what.

“Ash.”

“Yeah?”

Calum took a deep breath, biting his lip for a moment before exhaling. And then he said, “I think I may be ready to open that email.”

Ashton looked surprised for a nanosecond before the worry came back. “There’s no hurry, Cal.” He said softly. This time it was he who brought Calum’s hand close to press a kiss on it. “It’s Christmas Eve, tomorrow’s a bank holiday. They won’t expect you to answer, at least until the day after tomorrow. There’s time.”

“I know.” And he did. Know. But there wasn’t really a proper reason to delay it even more, was there? Maybe when he knew for sure, it would ease a bit the weight the email had put in his chest in the first place. Knowing for sure would help him plan, and planning helped him feel more in control of things. Weird that the same email who had had him spiralling appeared to be now key to him finding some peace of mind. Especially after the Topman news. “I think I want to know, now.”

Ashton observed him, quiet. A minute passed. “Okay.”

Calum nodded. When he reached for his phone on Ashton’s bedside table, his shoulder brushed against Ashton’s chest. The older was warm, and even when the heat in the room should have made Calum want to pull back as far from him as he could, he still leaned into him for a few seconds.

Ashton squeezed his knee as he sat back down, leaving his hand there after. Calum held his phone tightly, the way his heart had picked up its pace not going unnoticed. The older even slid closer to him on the bed, silent reassurance. Always there for him. A constant. No matter what it said, Calum had felt happy just minutes ago. If he had been able to laugh like that – _feel_ like that– not even a day after going through a panic attack, he would again in the future. No matter what an email said. No matter whatever may happen.

So he just clicked on the notification without allowing more time to pass for him to have second thoughts.

It took a few seconds to load. But Calum didn’t even have to read the whole thing. The email started with an enthusiastic _‘Congratulations!’._

“I got it. I’m… in.” He whispered, frowning. If it had said _‘we regret to inform you’_ it would have hurt like hell, but it would have taken away the need for him to make a decision. That was what had Calum most anxious. The weight of having to make a decision.

He closed his mouth, licked his lips. Swallowed. His hand was surprisingly steady holding his phone. He didn’t feel steady. But he didn’t feel like last night.

Ashton squeezed his knee again, and it made Calum tear his eyes away from the screen and up to meet the older’s. He was smiling at him, proud. “I always knew you would get in.”

His eyes were still looking towards Ashton, but Calum couldn’t focus on him.

He got in. Why did he feel nothing? Calum had been so fucking excited about it just a few short months ago. He had been terrified of it just a few hours ago. Now there was… nothing. Reading that he had gotten the spot had felt surprisingly underwhelming, in the sense that he wasn’t surprised, not really, but also wasn’t excited about it. It felt like… like he hadn’t even opened that email.

The weight was still there.

There was still a decision to be made.

The email changed nothing.

“Cal?”

“I’m okay.” He hurried to promise. He forced himself to focus back on Ashton, lips twitching in a smile. An attempt of a smile. “I’m just… processing.”

Ashton held his gaze for a couple of seconds before nodding, “Okay.”

Well. Michael’s news about Topman, and the email confirming he had a spot on the research in Prague. His attack just last night. It hadn’t even been 24 hours. There had been so much going on in just a few hours… his brain was slow. Processing was hard.

He felt like he was listing the events in his mind over and over and over. Trying to make sense of everything that had happened. Half of it didn’t even feel real. Calum closed his eyes for a moment, tightening his left hand in a fist. Inhale four seconds. Hold in seven. Release eight. Four. Seven. Eight. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

“Cal?” He felt Ashton’s hand on his, prying the fist open.

Calum repeated the breathing pattern again before whispering, “I’m okay.” He opened his eyes and tried for a smile, meeting Ashton’s worried eyes. “It’s okay. I will, um. We can talk about–. Later.” He stumbled over his words. “Let’s, um. Let’s enjoy tonight, okay?” He turned his hand in Ashton’s so he was able to lace their fingers together and squeezed. Ashton looked like he wanted to talk about it right now. And Calum couldn’t do that to him. Not when they had, like, an hour tops before they had to drive to the beach. “I’m okay, Ash. I promise. You don’t have to worry about me. Please.” Ashton was about to protest, but Calum cut him. “Tonight’s _yours_.”

“Calum.”

“I mean it.” Calum stressed. He wouldn’t let any of this taint Ashton’s time with his family more than it already had. He wouldn’t. “Let’s… pause this.”

“Are you sure?” Ashton bit his lip.

“I am.” Calum nodded, and then he crossed the distance between them and pressed his lips to Ashton’s, the older kissing him back immediately. It felt good, melting against him. Warmth spreading all through his chest at just the touch of Ashton’s lips on his. Calum wished he could get back the relaxed, giddy atmosphere of just a few minutes before. When he ended the kiss, he stayed there, his forehead on Ashton’s, taking a deep breath. “Let’s forget about all this for tonight, and just… enjoy.” He smiled, not even opening his eyes.

Ashton squeezed his hand three times. His hair brushed Calum’s cheek when he turned his head, his lips pressing a soft kiss on his temple. “Okay.”

* * *

“This one’s yours, although this is actually a stand in for your gift, because for obvious reasons it can’t be, like, wrapped.” Calum said, biting his lip right after.

“What?” Ashton chuckled.

“You’ll see when you open it.” Calum laughed back.

They had finished dinner a while ago –a fantastic set of burgers, sausages and veggies barbecued between Otto and Ashton at one of the public barbecues that had made Calum’s mouth water while they waited for them to be done–, and were about halfway through opening the presents they had settled at the centre of the table after dinner. Lauren and Harry were gushing excitedly about a couple of games Calum had never heard about while Anne-Marie took some pictures of them. Otto had stepped out for a moment to take a call and, Calum suspected, to give Ashton’s family a bit of privacy. Meanwhile Ashton was being careful opening the envelope where Calum had written him a sort-of-voucher for his real present.

“Cal?” Ashton said slowly, his eyes wide as they skimmed through what Calum had written. “Is this for real?” He asked, suddenly looking up. Calum didn’t know what to make of his face.

“Wait, did I get it wro–”

Calum couldn’t even finish talking before Ashton threw himself into him, squeezing him close as he let out a squeal. “Will you come with me? To get it done?” Ashton grinned as he pulled back, meeting back Calum’s gaze. He was trembling with barely contained excitement, beaming up at him, and Calum let out a laugh out of sheer relief that he hadn’t fucked up. Calum had been legitimately worried.

“Well. yeah. I thought that was implied.” He grinned back at Ashton.

The older grabbed his face and planted a kiss on his lips, pulling away faster than Calum could even register it to be able to reciprocate. He was still holding on to Calum’s handwritten voucher, stating he had booked him an appointment back in London to discuss and possibly get a tattoo. Ashton’s grin seemed permanently etched to his face. Even when, “Oh fuck. I don’t know what to get. I don’t know what I want.” He laughed. His eyes were shining so much. If Calum had known before he could make Ashton this excited, he would have taken Ashton to his usual tattoo artist a _long_ time ago. “Just… So many possibilities. I have a list so long, I don’t know where to st–”

“You have _a list_?” Calum cut him, his own eyes wide. Ashton. With tattoos.

Imagining him with one tattoo had already wrecked havoc in Calum’s heart as he planned this present, but _multiple_ tattoos? Oh fuck.

Ashton kept talking, seemingly not having even noticed what his words were causing inside Calum’s mind and chest. “I mean, I’ll obviously have to revise it because I started that list when I was 15, but yeah. I have like twenty ideas ready to go.”

“ _Twenty_?”

Ashton kept quiet for like two seconds before he snorted, and then leaned forward, cradling Calum’s face again as he whispered near his ear, “I thought I was the one with the tattoo kink.”

And then the sneaky bastard had the audacity to sneak in a bite to his earlobe, a shiver running all through Calum at him. That Ashton’s family were literally right there, chattering away, couldn’t even stop Calum from letting out the tiniest moan. Clearly, they were not paying them any attention, because Calum was sure Ashton hadn’t been at all careful.

He raised his own hands, placing them on Ashton’s wrists just to have somewhere to hold on to. He felt weak.

“ _Twenty_.” He repeated in a whisper.

Ashton giggled, pulling away and grinning at him. “Just the one to start with.”

And then he winked.

 _Winked_.

Calum continued to gape at him, trying to process an Ashton with multiple tattoos.

“Thank you for the present, Cal. I really love it.” Ashton said in a quieter voice, still excited, but much more grounded. Calum smiled back, turning his head in Ashton’s hands and pressing a kiss to the older’s palm. Ashton held his gaze for a moment before he pulled away, reaching towards the centre of the table for a package with Calum’s name on it.

“Wait, there’s another thing in yours.” Calum stopped him.

His brain had been so stuck on Ashton’s reaction almost he himself had forgotten about the other gift on Ashton’s envelope.

“What?” Ashton frowned, confused.

“In the envelope. There’s another thing inside for you.”

Ashton sent him a look, clearly asking why the hell he had broken their one-present rule. What he didn’t know was that the tattoo idea only came about just last week. So Ashton’s original present was still waiting for him.

He watched as Ashton laid the package with _Calum_ scribbled on it back on the table before reaching for the envelope, sticking his hand inside and pulling out the necklace Calum had bought for him back in Dunedin. He had seen it a couple of days after getting his tattoo. Pāua shell in green tones and matching his own tattoo. It was just… perfect.

“Is this…?” Ashton trailed off, his eyes flickering between the pendant and Calum’s eyes.

“Yeah.”

“ _Cal_.”

Calum just smiled back at him, sliding on the bench towards him. His hands were a bit shaky as he took the pendant from Ashton’s, but the older didn’t say anything. The way his heart was racing inside his chest, nervousness making his hands tremble even more, anyone would say this was one of those rings they had joked about hours before. And, yes. Just as Ashton’s watch had felt like that for Calum back on their anniversary, this pendant pretty much evoked those same feelings. Only it was him proposing this time.

A proposal without proposing. Stating what they both already knew: they were forever, even without having to be engaged.

He gently laid it on Ashton, his hands resting over it for a moment, feeling Ashton’s heart racing underneath. It made Calum smile, fond, leaning forward to nuzzle Ashton. When he pulled back, Ashton was looking down at where it rested on his chest, his eyes soft.

“I just saw it in an artisan shop after getting my tat.” Calum explained, combing back a couple of curls that had fallen on Ashton’s face. The way the older’s cheeks were turning slightly pinkish only served to fuel the warmth spreading all through Calum. “We could engrave it when we’re back. So it matches my watch.” He whispered, feeling his own cheeks heating up.

“I’d like that.” Ashton nodded, meeting his eyes. His eyes were shiny with some tears. “It’s beautiful, Cal. I love it.” Ashton whispered, back to cradling it tenderly in his hand.

Calum only smiled in answer, getting lost in Ashton’s eyes.

When he eventually broke away from Ashton’s gaze, his eyes crossed with Lauren’s over the table. She sent Calum a smile so genuine he was a bit taken aback. It was still weird to know that, despite the few interactions they had had suggesting otherwise, she didn’t really harbour any bad feelings towards him.

“What did you get?” She suddenly piped up from her seat, turning to Ashton.

“This.” Ashton showed her the pendant, his cheeks still red. Lauren’s eyes flickered to Calum’s for a second before focusing back on Ashton, something like a knowing expression taking over her face. Calum watched as Ashton got even redder under her gaze. But he was soon covering it by grinning, excited, “And Calum booked me an appointment to get a tattoo!”

“ _Finally_.” Lauren laughed. “He’s been wanting to get one for years.” Lauren added, looking back at Calum.

“Harry told me.” Calum laughed back.

“Well, it is Ashton’s worst kept secret on this side of the world. I still can’t understand how he doesn’t have a dozen tattoos on him by now.” Otto suddenly piped in, taking a seat back on Ashton’s other side. Ashton muttered something like _‘money and time’_ , but Calum was distracted by Otto asking Lauren, “Did they open it yet?”

“Did who open what?” Calum frowned.

“You two. Our present.” Lauren laughed, pointing to a slim rectangular package still waiting on the centre of the table besides Ashton’s present for him. Even Anne-Marie and Harry turned to them when hearing the exchange.

“ _Guys_.” Ashton complained. And Calum would have too, if it hadn’t felt weird complaining to them. He felt exactly the same as Ashton, though. They had already received both a set of matching hand-knitted beanies and scarfs, courtesy of Anne-Marie, whom Calum had wrapped up in a bear hug for as long as she had let him as his eyes filled with tears. After that Calum had got another present, this time from them all –Otto included–, opening it to find a huge bag of Aussie sweets and treats to take home. And Harry and Lauren had got Ashton some Doctor Who related pizza cutter, Otto _another_ scarf, also Doctor Who themed. It was all too much.

“Hush. This last thing is nothing, boys.” Anne-Marie cut in. “Go on, open it.”

Ashton’s eyes crossed with Calum’s for a second before he slid it closer, then passed it to Calum to unwrap. Calum widened his eyes momentarily at him, but Ashton just pushed it even closer to him. With a sigh, he reached for it, smiling softly when he saw both of their names on the label dangling on the big blue ribbon attached to the wrapping paper. He took that off first, setting it aside for safe-keeping before carefully opening the present.

And then Calum stared at the gift, blinking slowly and muttering, “ _Great minds_.”

“What was that?” Ashton turned to him.

Calum shook his head, just smiling, thinking about the picture he had taken before dinner of all of them just so he could send it to Mali to have it printed for tomorrow. He passed Ashton the framed picture, but kept his hand over his. The wooden frame was beautiful, but it was the picture that had Calum on the verge of tears.

Ashton was staring down at the picture of the both of them, from that day on Manly. But Calum hadn’t seen this one before. It hadn’t been in between the ones Lauren had sent him. This one was from before Calum had noticed her taking any pictures, so neither he nor Ashton were facing the camera. They were looking at each other, and Calum could feel in his chest exactly what he had felt at that moment: Ashton still sleep-soft in his arms, the warmth of the sun hitting down on them. The love in Ashton’s eyes. The way his own were tethered to Ashton’s like there was no one else around them. Maybe this was what Lauren had been talking about this afternoon. _This_ look in Calum’s eyes.

And… she had known. Lauren had already thought out this present back then. Calum was even more confused about her behaviour now than he had been during the days he had spent here. He looked up from it, searching for Lauren first.

“Thank you.” He said from the bottom of his heart. She just smiled, her eyes soft. “All of you. Thank you.” Calum repeated, looking to the other three who just waved him off.

Ashton seemed just as emotional if not more than Calum felt as he looked up, his voice breaking as he thanked them as well. He even got up and stepped around the table to draw Lauren into a hug, squeezing the breath out of her. Calum observed them, warmth spreading through his chest. This picture. Calum knew exactly where it would go. Along with Ashton’s present waiting for him in Kilbirnie.

When Ashton sat back down next to him, though, the others cleared away from the table. Which made Calum a bit suspicious, because they had done so all at once. And then Ashton reached once again for his present for Calum. The last remaining one.

“You haven’t opened this yet.” Ashton said. “If you were hoping to save best for last, I’m afraid you will be disappointed, babe.” The older joked as he handed it to Calum.

“It’s yours. That makes it the best by default.”

“I don’t know if you’ll even like it. It’s–. Well. You’re about to see.”

Calum narrowed his eyes at him for a moment before unwrapping it, finding inside a dark wooden box, with some carvings, but none that could tip him off about what was inside. The box itself was beautiful. Smooth to the touch. Looked like it had weathered some years, maybe even decades, but that could have easily been the intended look when manufacturing it. Calum, however, suspected it was actually old. Ashton loved antique shops. And then Calum was a bit reminded of last year, opening Ashton’s gift and seeing another wooden box with an inlaid golden compass. But this couldn’t be the same.

“It’s not another sextant.” Ashton chuckled, as if reading his thoughts.

Calum laughed back before opening it.

And.

At first he didn’t understand. But then he picked the first card up, his eyes flickering between it in his hands and Ashton next to him. And then he picked another. And another.

The box was filled with recipes.

 _His_ recipes, Calum realised as he skimmed through the first few. In different colour-coded cards, classified by difficulty level, timing, occasion. Penned in Ashton’s handwriting.

Every single recipe he had cooked since last year, no matter how unremarkable it had seemed to Calum. They were all there. Even the scrambled eggs Calum often cooked for breakfast were there. Everything written down with ingredient lists and steps to follow. With pictures of each of them on the back of each card. With notes and dates and comments.

He drew one of them, the coffee and chocolate cake he had prepared for Ashton’s birthday back in July, and warmth spread through him as he read Ashton’s comments underneath the picture. ‘ _Calum tried this recipe for the first time for my birthday, 2019. He said it was awful because it toppled over, but I still loved it. Thought it tasted delicious. And it had cinnamon *.* ! ! ! 13/10.’._ That last bit made Calum giggle, shaking his head as he returned it inside. There were so many cards.

“I wanted to preserve them. For the future.” Ashton whispered softly.

“Ash…” Calum trailed off. His eyes filled with tears as he shuffled through them. And then his hand froze on one. That handwriting. The recipe. He hadn’t… Since…

“Mali helped me out.” Ashton said, voice incredibly soft, seemingly knowing just where Calum’s mind had stuck on. “She scanned them, and then I had your Nan’s printed on the cards in her own handwriting.”

Calum felt the first tear falling from the corner of his eye down his cheek. He blinked a couple of times, willing himself not to cry in the middle of a public place. But he couldn’t help it. Not after everything that had happened today. It was like suddenly the dam broke down. He glanced up to Ashton, the older’s lips twitching up in a smile. He felt Ashton squeezing his knee, sliding closer to him.

“Mum wrote a couple in, too.” Ashton added. “And Mali asked Anahera to write all of hers for you, she’ll have them tomorrow. As well as your dad’s.”

Calum tried to get a hold of himself, closing his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. The tears kept coming, though.

“ _Thank you._ ” He whispered, looking at Ashton when he opened his eyes and trying for a smile. Ashton shrugged, as if it had been nothing. But it _wasn’t_ nothing. This was… “Ashton, this is... I love it. Really.” Calum stressed, smiling through his tears. “ _Thank you_.”

“It was nothing.” Ashton shrugged. He brushed away some tears on Calum’s cheeks with his thumb before he admitted, “When I started it, I thought it would be a dumb idea.”

“It’s not.” Calum shook his head. “It’s perfect.”

He wiped his tears on his shoulder, carefully placing the box back on top of the table before sneaking his arms around Ashton, burying his face in the older’s shoulder. He felt a bit weird, knowing there were people around them that could see him sobbing into Ashton’s collarbone. But he also didn’t care anymore. Ashton squeezed him back tightly, his fingers running softly through the curls on his nape. He now understood why Ashton’s family had left. Ashton may have said he wasn’t sure about his present, but he probably knew it would make Calum cry.

And he hadn’t been wrong.

He stayed hidden in Ashton’s shoulder for a while, the tears seemingly unending. Almost like he was processing everything that had happened through crying. It wasn’t like last night’s attack, when he hadn’t even noticed he was crying until Ashton brushed away his tears, though. No. He felt the _need_ to cry, now.

Ashton didn’t say anything. Just squeezed him back closer and placed kisses on his hair every couple of minutes. When Calum finally got a hold of himself, he felt like hours had passed, even though he knew it had probably been just a few minutes. He wished they were back home, so he could keep giving in to all the feelings swimming in his chest with just Ashton there to witness him at his most vulnerable. But they weren’t, so he schooled his face, wiped away his tears, and pulled away from Ashton. They had just a few hours left, and Ashton needed to spend them with his family.

Ashton combed back his hair, cupping his face in his hands as he studied him. Calum smiled, or at least he tried. Slowly, Ashton’s lips tugged up in a twin smile. And then Calum let out a watery chuckle. “Now I know why you always take pictures of everything I cook at home.”

Ashton guffawed, shaking his head at the comment. “Now you know.”

Calum giggled, drawing Ashton in for another hug, this time hooking his chin over the older’s shoulder and holding on tight. “Love you.” He whispered, sniffling a bit.

Ashton only tightened his hold on him. “And I you, Calum.”

* * *

“You know, I’ve been low key hating you for a solid year.” Lauren said, straight to the point, as she plopped herself right next to Calum on the sand, where he had sat down a few minutes ago to let Ashton some alone time with his family.

“Oh, wow. That was... surprisingly honest.” Calum replied, not being able to keep the sarcasm away from his tone. He was mostly perplexed, though, at her finally coming right out and saying it.

Lauren just snorted, turning to him before shrugging, “Well, it’s almost Christmas.”

“And at Christmas you tell the truth?” Calum stared at her with one eyebrow raised.

Lauren stared back for exactly two seconds before she said, “You really are my brother’s boyfriend. _Oh, my god_.” She groaned, rolling her eyes, but the smile that followed was sincere, so Calum smiled back. Lauren then grew back serious, though, glancing away to the shore and exhaling. “You know, when Ashton first told us about you? He made you seem like this unrealistically perfect guy.” She related, and if Calum was surprised before, this took him to another level. _What was this, exactly?_ “I thought Ashton was in over his head, trying to move on from Bec and clinging to the first hot guy that paid attention to him.”

Okay. That bit made Calum snort. “I don’t know what your brother has told you about his first year at Cambridge, but I assure you I wasn’t the first guy _or_ girl that paid attention to him.” He laughed, shaking his head at Lauren, who was now turned to him.

“Luke doesn’t count.” She rolled her eyes.

“I was referring to Luke’s uni mates he tried setting Ashton up with.” Calum chuckled.

“Oh.” Lauren frowned. So Ashton _hadn’t_ told them everything. Which Calum should’ve expected, after finding out he hadn’t even told them where they both had met that first time. Lauren shook her head, though. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Let me finish. I’m trying to _apologise_ here.”

“I thought you low key hated me.” Calum frowned. Wasn’t that what she had opened this conversation with?

“Yeah, in the past tense.”

“Oh.”

 _Oh._ He hadn’t expected Lauren to actually talk to him about this. Much less apologise. Because there was nothing she had to apologise for. Not really. Calum had felt she was distant and cold at times, but she didn’t have to apologise for that.

“You don’t have to apologise for anything.” He echoed out loud.

Lauren studied him for a moment before she sighed. “I do, Calum. I’ve treated you like shit, and you didn’t deserve that.” She drew her knees up, her arms hugging them close. She pursed her lips for a moment, closing her eyes. “It was just…” She started, exhaling loudly. “Back when Ashton told us he had started seeing you, mum said not to worry. But I did.” She looked away from Calum then, her eyes on the shore, but unfocused. “I saw Ashton getting better, and I thought he was just… I don’t know. Not moving on. Developing an attachment to you. And if you left, it would have destroyed him.”

Calum felt his throat closing up out of nowhere, the need to swallow past the knot that wasn’t there coming back.

“He was… bad. He was _really_ bad after Bec, Calum.” Lauren muttered, blinking and looking down at her hands. “He scared me. He scared _Harry_.”

How had this conversation got this… dark, this fast?

“Ashton has talked to me about it.” Calum found himself saying, his voice steady despite what was going on inside Calum’s chest. It was never good whenever he remembered the look in Ashton’s eyes, freshly awakened from a nightmare.

“I know that now.” Lauren acknowledged.

Calum could only imagine just how it must have felt, for Lauren and Harry, to watch Ashton go through that. How it must have felt for her –who was close to Bec and was mourning her herself– to watch Ashton go down like that. To hear him scream in his sleep. Watch him pack a bag and move away to the other side of the world.

“I kept comparing you to Bec. This past year.” Lauren said, letting out a self-loathing huff of a laugh right before saying, “I was so stupid.”

“Lauren…”

“Please, let me finish.” Lauren asked again, this time turning to look at him. She and Ashton didn’t look that much alike, but their expressions were almost identical. She was holding back tears, and Calum felt taken aback. He realised, too, that Ashton was back on the benches with Otto, Anne-Marie and Harry nowhere to be seen. Lauren had clearly asked them to keep away for a few minutes, because when his eyes met Ashton’s, the older sent him a small reassuring smile, but did nothing to come closer. So Calum focused his attention back on Lauren.

“I grew up with Bec.” Lauren picked back up. “She was like a big sister to me. I thought she and Ashton would end up married, kids, everything. It _hurt_ to lose her.” Calum only nodded, not knowing what else to do. “But Ashton getting together with you… That hurt too.”

Calum had to look away then. This. This is the reaction he had been expecting. Last year, when Ashton introduced him to Otto over Skype. This was exactly what Calum had feared. When it didn’t happen with Otto, he was surprised. And he thought Ashton’s family would maybe feel like that, as well. He had _expected_ it. But Anne-Marie had welcomed him with open arms. Harry was Harry. And Lauren…

“When you got here, Calum… I was expecting you to somehow remind me of her.” Lauren continued. “I expected Ashton to have fallen in love with someone that was just a shadow of her because that would have proven that he hadn’t moved on. And I would have felt vindicated, having been worried about him.” She paused for a moment, eyes flickering to Calum’s for a moment. “And then you were just… you. So I got _mad_ when you weren’t her shadow, and mad at Ashton for having moved on.”

She closed her right hand in a fist, then let go. Calum looked away from it, back to the shore. The beach was far from empty. There were screaming kids running around, and families having dinner just like them. The waves came and went and came and went. But somehow it all sounded faint to Calum.

“I hated myself for thinking like that.” Lauren’s quiet voice, though, he heard loud and clear. “If you had been exactly like her, I would have been mad, as well. And I just… I wanted, _needed_ , a reason to hate you. Well, not _you_. The _idea_ of you.”

And just like that, Calum understood why Lauren had acted the way she had. She had been nice to him, she _had_. But she had also kept her distance, her eyes always studying him. Now Calum knew why.

“I was… I was stupid.” Lauren sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. Then she turned back to him. “And I wasn’t fair to you. So. Of course I had to apologise. I’m sorry, Calum. I shouldn’t have treated you like I have.” She finished, biting her lower lip like sometimes Ashton did. Like she was waiting for Calum’s reaction, or waiting for him to not accept the –in his opinion, unnecessary– apology.

“I think–” He started, trying to arrange his thoughts into a coherent phrase, “– that it was a normal reaction. You know, I expected it from all of you, from everyone who knew Bec.” He confessed, looking away from Lauren and down to where he was playing with the sand, scooping up some and letting it trickle in between his fingers. “I reckoned if she was such a big part of Ashton’s life, given how highly Ashton thinks of you guys, she was bound to have been a really important part of your lives too.”

“She was.”

Calum nodded and copied her, drawing his knees and hugging them. When he turned to look at her, Lauren’s eyes were lost on the horizon. “I’m sorry.”

He didn’t specify, but he knew Lauren had understood what he meant when she turned to him with a small –if albeit quite melancholic– smile. “It’s been two years. It’s okay now, for me.”

Calum smiled back at her, holding her gaze for a moment before he too went back to look at the sea. They were quiet for a couple of minutes. Calum didn’t really know what to do now. So he watched the waves meeting the shore over and over. How some kids’ footprints disappeared with time.

It was weird, how calm he felt right now. Such a different picture of how he had been that morning when he had run into Lauren in the kitchen. The weight was still in his chest; he felt it every time he took a breath. His whole body was screaming with exhaustion, not to speak of his brain, lagging behind due to everything that had happened in the span of a day. But right now, he felt calm. Lauren probably didn’t know, but even when Calum hadn’t needed – or expected– an apology, her words had helped ease a little corner of worries inside his mind. She had helped him. Because Calum understood her, now. Had the piece of the puzzle that allowed him to understand. And understanding helped him feel better, feel more in control. And Calum desperately needed to feel more in control.

He hadn’t expected her to talk, so her voice made him jump a bit when Lauren said, “You two fit together so well..” She hesitated for a moment, though, before adding, “I know we haven’t talked much because I have… I have been how I’ve been. But I still _know_.” Calum looked at her, but she was still looking at the horizon. “You’re… I know you’re exactly who Ashton needs.”

Calum held his breath and then released it slowly. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that. Never knew how to answer something like that. Not with Anne. Not with Otto. Sometimes it felt too much, this faith they put in him.

“I’m really glad you two met.”

Calum tried swallowing past the knot that had suddenly grown in his throat, biting his lip. His eyes flickered to Ashton, messing around with Otto, who was trying to pick him off the ground to throw him over his shoulder. They looked like kids. He couldn’t help the smile that took over his face, mirroring the one on Ashton’s lips. “I’m glad we did, too.”

When he was able to tear his eyes away from those two, he was met with a smirking Lauren. He felt his cheeks heat up, but well. She already had a picture of Calum with him having eyes for no one but Ashton. Calum was sure she had seen him staring at Ashton with the same expression on his face as he had right now, because, let’s be honest: Calum was always staring at the beauty that was Ashton. Taking him in. Feeling so lucky. So even though he was embarrassed, it wasn’t really something he had been caught doing for the first time.

But then Lauren’s face grew back to serious, the smile slipping from her lips. “About that other… thing, though.” She bit her lip. And then, just like that morning, she reached for Calum’s arm, giving it a squeeze. “I’m sure it will get better. Whatever it is.”

Calum nodded at her, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from breaking out into tears. It wasn’t the time nor the place. “Thank you, Lauren.”

She offered him a smile, and then, just as abruptly as she had sat down next to him, she was standing up and walking away.

It didn’t take long for Ashton to plop down beside him, silently offering Calum his hand. They didn’t speak for a while. Calum could hear someone tuning a guitar somewhere to their right, people laughing. The smell of barbecue was still wafting through the air, so there must have been people still cooking. After all, it wasn’t even that late at night, only close to midnight. It felt weird to think that it was Christmas Eve. And he was sitting down in the sand, under the moonlight, in Australia. Still felt surreal to him being able to be just wearing a singlet and some shorts in the middle of December. He missed the cold, but this… this was nice.

“Lauren apologised to me.” He said after some time.

He understood why Ashton missed the sound of the waves on the shore when they were back home, always searching for soundscapes on YouTube that reminded him of it. It brought serenity to any scenario.

“She told me she wanted to.” Ashton admitted.

“She apologised for having been quote low-key hating unquote me.” Calum chuckled. He tucked his chin over his knees, his free hand drawing lines on the sand. “She was nice.” He added quietly.

Ashton didn’t say anything, so Calum stressed, “I’m for real. She was kind. And she didn’t have to apologise, but she still did.” Ashton nodded on his left.

He was quieter than usual, and it was just then that Calum realised him not talking didn’t have anything to do with Lauren or even Calum himself. The clock was ticking. And even when Calum knew Ashton was happy to be getting back home, he was also dreading having to say goodbye. So Calum opted for trying to make him laugh. “She rolled her eyes at me for quoting Love Actually to her.” Calum giggled. “Apparently it’s an annoying trait we both share.” He added.

The corner of Ashton’s lips twitched up in half a smile, but it didn’t hold for long.

Whoever had the guitar, had finished tuning it, and had started playing. Calum looked over to the players, finding that there were two guitars, and someone had even brought out a cajón, keeping up a pleasant rhythm. He had half a mind to get up and ask Ashton to dance with him. But he wasn’t sure Ashton would be up to it.

“Does that happen often?” Calum asked, nodding towards them once he had Ashton’s attention.

“Sometimes.” Ashton smiled, and then his eyes looked far away for a moment before he said, “A friend from uni used to bring his guitar when we would have a day at the beach. It was fun. We would make fools of ourselves trying to sing along.” He chuckled softly, shaking his head at the memory.

Maybe Ashton wouldn’t say no. “Want to dance?”

Ashton turned to him, taking a couple of seconds to contemplate it before nodding. “Okay. Yeah.”

Calum grinned at him, scrambling to his feet and offering Ashton his hand, pulling him up. Maybe it was weird, starting to dance along to music played by people they didn’t even know. At this point, Calum didn’t care. He just knew Ashton didn’t look as sad anymore and was starting to smile. By the third song, he was laughing, and Calum felt the constant weight in his chest weigh just a wee bit less.

“I think every holiday from now on is going to be shit by comparison.” Calum chuckled, twirling Ashton and then holding him close to him again. They were playing something slower now, some song Calum didn’t know, but that was perfect for him to dance holding Ashton close.

“Shit by comparison?” Ashton arched his eyebrows at him.

“Dude, we had a barbecue for dinner. We’re dancing in the sand to live music, the sound of the ocean in the background, the moon high in the sky and all pretty, and everything just… it feels _right_.” Calum said earnestly. It did feel right.

Ashton’s eyes shined as he smiled fondly at him, chuckling softly before nodding. “I know. I’ve missed _this_.”

“We need to come back.” Calum grinned.

“Yeah.” Ashton breathed. He glanced around, Calum’s eyes following his eyes to where Lauren was trying to get Harry to dance, Otto and Anne-Marie laughing at her attempts. “Yeah. We’ll do that.” Ashton chuckled, shaking his head at Harry clinging to the bench until Lauren gave up, plopping herself down next to him. Then he turned back to Calum, “One year each?”

“Sounds like a good deal to me.” Calum shrugged, smiling.

“Then it’s decided.”

* * *

“You can let go now, babe.” Ashton whispered to him when the belt sign turned off, squeezing his hand twice as if to remind Calum that he was cutting off all his circulation.

“Sorry.” Calum muttered, letting go of Ashton’s hand and opening and closing his own a couple of times.

“You didn’t tell me you were scared of planes last time.” Ashton pointed out after a couple of minutes.

“I’m technically not.”

Ashton turned to him with an arched eyebrow. He wasn’t making fun of him, though. Calum tried to explain.

“I _know_ they’re safe. I’m a physicist. I _know_.” He said quietly, stopping for a minute to swallow and then lick his lips quickly. “My heart didn’t get the memo.” He confided in a whisper.

Ashton smiled at him, softly, and then laced their fingers back together.

“Are you going to sleep?”

“I have a book I want to dig into.” Ashton answered him.

His eyes were still red-rimmed from the goodbye at the airport, just a couple of hours ago. He had been crying before that, though, ever since they said goodbye to Otto at the beach. But when they went through security, Ashton had looked like he was leaving behind half his heart. Lauren and Harry hadn’t looked much better, the only one trying to keep her composure being Anne-Marie. Which wasn’t to say she hadn’t cried. They had all cried, Calum included. Anne-Marie had squeezed him for a good five minutes while Ashton said goodbye to Harry and Lauren, and Calum thought she probably knew what had gone on in her house the night before, because before she let go, she had told him she knew everything was going to be okay, that he would be okay. Which had made Calum feel a fresh bout of tears rushing to his eyes. But Ashton...

Ashton hadn’t been able to stop them. When they finally reached their gate and settled down to wait for boarding, he had buried his face in Calum’s shirt, never coming out until they were calling for them to board. And Calum hadn’t been able to do much more than hold him.

Even now, he looked like he wanted anything but to be reminded of it. Or even talk out loud. So despite Ashton’s next offer that they watch a film or something together, Calum said no.

“Nah, we can do that later.” Calum smiled gently. He recognised when Ashton needed time for himself. “I think I should try to fall asleep.”

Ashton studied him for a few seconds, and Calum couldn’t get a proper read of him. Didn’t know if it was only worry there pooling in Ashton’s eyes besides his own heartache. There was also something strangely akin to pride that made Calum squirm a little under his gaze. Trying to sleep was nothing to be proud of.

“You can use my shoulder as a pillow.” Ashton ended up offering.

Calum smiled at him, leaning forward without even realising and kissing him softly. When he pulled back, Ashton had a small smile playing on his lips.

“You good with my right? Or do you want to switch seats?” Ashton asked.

“You should keep your left arm on that sling.”

Calum had made him wear it after they piled up into the car, leaving the beach behind. Because even if it was nothing, it was still better for Ashton not to use that wrist so much.

“For the last time, I don’t think I really need it. It doesn’t hurt anymore. It didn’t even swell.”

Calum stared at him. Just stared at him. Ashton rolled his eyes, but he didn’t fight him on it again.

And then Calum tried. He tried to fall asleep. He was tired enough. Ashton was comfortable. If he closed his eyes, he could almost picture them back at the flat on their couch. But the seats weren’t as comfortable. There were people talking. There was someone listening to music so loud that even when they were three rows in front, it could still be heard through their headphones. A couple of kids giggling.

Eyes closed, he could try pretending they were home. But if he opened them, there were too many distractions. The lights, even when turned low, were too bright. He wondered if he would ever manage to fall asleep. After all, he hadn’t slept much on the plane rides to Dunedin. Today, when his brain seemed to be hyper-alert, it almost seemed impossible.

In contrast, Ashton seemed to be determined to finish the book he was reading on this flight. Maybe he was trying to distract himself from thinking about leaving. Again. Whatever the reason, Calum was still impressed by his ability to concentrate while there were so many other sounds on the plane. He seemed engrossed in his reading, though. Calum had been surprised too, at it not being a novel. Watching Ashton with a copy of _Why I’m no Longer Talking To White People About Race_ had made Calum wonder the exact reason behind his choice of reading. But his own determination to fall asleep –because he had to, at some point, right?– won over his curiosity. For the moment.

The click of Ashton’s e-reader should’ve been distracting, unconducive to falling asleep. Instead, it provided Calum with something akin to a routine. The older took approximately the same time every time to read a page. It was rhythmic. Like his breath near Calum’s ear. The way his shoulder moved when his chest expanded. Calum tried focusing on those. It helped.

He ended up dozing off after some time, around the second hour mark of their first flight, his head still pillowed on Ashton’s shoulder. It hadn’t been a deep sleep, because Calum could swear he had kept hearing people talking throughout it, but at least he had killed a couple of hours. Or so he hoped as he woke up.

He almost didn’t want to open his eyes. Ashton was warm next to him, and he had draped a blanket over them both, his fingers absentmindedly tracing invisible lines on Calum’s thigh over his trousers. It felt nice. Even despite Calum’s head reminding him of the sleep deprivation he had submitted himself to in the last day or so, he felt good right then.

So he let some time pass, enjoying the warmth and the caresses. When he opened his eyes slowly, he noticed first that there even were fewer lights turned on in the cabin, and that people seemed to have settled down for the time being. It almost felt peaceful.

Ashton was watching something on his laptop. Hence why his free hand was able to be tracing invisible patterns on Calum’s thigh.

“What’re you watching?” Calum mumbled, his eyes still half-closed as he huddled up to Ashton’s side.

Ashton took a couple of seconds to react, his hand leaving Calum’s thigh. Calum cracked his eyes open just in time to watch him taking out his headphones.

“Sorry, didn’t hear you.”

“I asked what you were watching.” Calum smiled, turning his head to kiss Ashton’s shoulder, tightening his hold on Ashton’s hand –which had to be asleep by this point, what with Ashton having never let go as Calum slept –.

“Oh. It’s Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey.” Ashton grinned.

“The Carl Sagan doc?” Calum frowned, then blinked a couple of times, trying to dissipate the sleep fog in his brain.

“2014 sequel with deGrasse Tyson. I watched the 80s one on the plane rides to Sydney.” Ashton admitted. Then he looked down at their hands, his thumb brushing lightly over Calum’s knuckles. “I was missing you.”

Calum felt warmth spreading through his chest, growing even more when he noticed the slightly pink-ish tint on Ashton’s cheeks. Ashton sat through an 80s doc on Cosmology because _he missed him._ Calum was still surprised at how an action Ashton brushed off as something small could still have him feeling so warm, a million different feelings exploding inside his chest for the man on his left.

He kissed his shoulder again as his only answer, a small smile pulling on his lips right after.

“Press play?” He asked Ashton as he snuggled up closer to be able to see the screen better.

“Here.” Ashton offered him one of his headphones, but Calum shook his head.

“Just put subtitles if you have them. If not, I’m happy just staring at the visuals.”

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?” Ashton replied, and then Calum _knew_ he was going to say something cheesy. “You still win next to them.”

“Press play.” Calum repeated, trying to ignore the compliment, but allowing the warmth it provoked to reach his cheeks.

Ashton only huffed a small laugh, fond look on his eyes as he put the headphones back on, searching for the subtitles option and then pressing play.

They burnt through another two hours like that, Ashton sometimes pausing the episodes to turn to ask Calum to clarify something. Calum felt maybe a bit more excited than he should have, but Ashton’s own excitement about the documentary was contagious. He seemed genuinely interested in the topics explained. And well, Calum had devoured the series enough times to never be able to deny his fanboy status. He had all of Sagan’s books, too.

“I’ve never tried weed despite Otto’s insistence, but this episode would certainly be great to watch while high.” Ashton suddenly piped in when they were halfway through the episode about black holes. “I feel high watching it. Is that how you feel when you think about all this stuff? _High_?”

Calum chuckled, closing his eyes for a moment as he shook his head, smiling at him right after. “I don’t know if high would be the word, but it definitely makes me feel something. Sky’s pretty.”

“So are you.”

Calum scoffed, blushing. “Fuck off.”

Ashton was winning two out of two, huh? Calum basked in the way it made him feel, the love he could feel from Ashton through his eyes. Eventually, though, they went back to staring at the screen.

When the episode ended, Calum untangled himself from Ashton, needing the loo and probably to spread his legs a bit, even if it was walking down the aisle a couple times. When he came back from the toilet, Ashton had two plates with crepes on top of his now closed laptop. A cup waited for Calum on his own tray –with a label dangling off to the side that confirmed it was tea–, while Ashton was casually sipping from his own cup in a way that immediately tipped Calum off on it not being coffee. Ashton would have chugged it down if it was.

“I bought us some breakfast.” Ashton said with a grin when their eyes crossed.

“ _Ash_.” Calum complained half-heartedly, his stomach was looking forward to those crepes much more than the cold sandwiches waiting for them inside Ashton’s backpack. “They’re expensive.”

“I don’t care.” Ashton snorted. “Come on, dig in.”

Another hour passed while they had their supposed breakfast in between giggles and in Ashton’s case yawns.

After that, Ashton said he was going to try to sleep –that was the reason why he hadn’t ordered coffee–, so Calum decided to steal his laptop to keep him company. He could have pulled out his own from his backpack, or checked the available films on the plane screens, but Ashton’s had quite the selection of films and series on there that Calum already knew he liked. In the time it took for him to browse everything and settle on Agents of Shield, Ashton was already softly snoring.

Calum remembered having been bored out of his skull on the plane rides last time, but this time, besides the weight on his chest about being in a flying pseudo-Faraday Cage that rattled every time they passed through an air pocket, he didn’t. Something about having Ashton next to him, probably.

He was halfway through selectively watching season 3 when Ashton stirred up beside him. This time, Calum did hand him one of the headphones without question. It took Ashton far less time to look lucid than it had taken Calum before, but Ashton always woke up quicker than him. It was no surprise, really. Even when he had been napping for over three hours.

“I used to have such a massive crush on Fitz, I swear…” Ashton admitted halfway through the episode with a chuckle. A weird sound right after Fitz telling Jemma that they were cursed. Still, it made Calum turn to him, curious.

Ashton literally had heart eyes as he stared at the screen, clearly lost in Iain’s performance, and Calum felt a giggle coming up his throat. He let it out.

“Used to?” He teased, prodding Ashton’s stomach.

“Shut up.” The older muttered under his breath, suddenly red all over, his eyes flitting between the screen and Calum with an emotion that had Calum cocking his head at him, confused. Ashton’s eyes finally settled on his lap, and then Fitz said something else, and it clicked for Calum.

“Wait… Oh my god.” He said with a small laugh. “Oh my god. Iain’s from Glasgow.” Ashton got redder, if that was even possible. Which confirmed Calum’s suspicion. “You _do_ know I’m not an engineer, right? I’m in theoretical astrophysics?” He teased, incapable of not giving in to his desire to mess with Ashton even if just a wee bit.

“Oh, _shut up_.”

“You’re blushing.” Calum noted aloud just to pester him. “You’re honest to god blushing.” Calum felt giddy with this discovery. He couldn’t believe it had taken him this long to catch on to _why_ Ashton watched and re-watched Agents of Shield. “Wait, I can use this.” He said, turning fully to Ashton, who looked like he wanted to become one with his seat. Yup, Calum was going to have so much fun with this. “Should I cosplay him? Do you like cardigans? Or would you prefer season 5 outlaw look? I think I could pull off that one. I’m not putting on blue contacts though, I have to draw the line somewhere.”

“Drop it, Cal.”

“But this is so fun.”

“We are also in a public place.” Ashton whined, even if really quietly.

Calum took a look around, most of the lights down low and not much chatter. There was snoring, though. From various sources.

“Everyone’s napping.” He said to Ashton. Then he grabbed the older’s hand and wiggled his eyebrows at him, making him the recipient of one of Ashton’s most dramatic eye-rolls. “Tell me more about this…” Calum let himself make a pause, keeping his eyes on Ashton. “… crush.”

Ashton swallowed visibly, but eventually caved in in a small voice, “Cute. Kind. Smart. And, um. _His accent_.”

“I mean, I thought we already established that.” Calum said with a short laugh. “I can get you going just talking.”

“You can get me going just _being you_.” Ashton corrected, which made a completely different set of feelings swirl and catch fire inside Calum’s chest.

“You do it for me too, baby.”

Ashton was blushing before, but he was properly red now, Calum’s words making him squirm in his seat. He was biting his lip, clearly affected by what Calum had just said.

“You’ve got tats too, though. You pair that with your smile, and your eyes, and your goddamn accent… Oh god. When I first met you, I remember thinking you were like a wet dream come true.”

“You _didn’t_.” Calum snickered.

“True. I just thought you were insanely –and unfairly– cute and I got into panic mode, tried to hide it behind my ED work mode.” Ashton whispered as he leaned closer to Calum, eyes flickering around the cabin as if he was still slightly afraid people were going to catch on to their conversation. “Seriously, Cal. You’ll never know just how nervous and awkward I felt just talking to you. You were… gosh. Even _Luke_ described you as my type personified.”

It was Calum’s turn to look down to his lap as his cheeks heated up. “Yeah, but then you got to know me and the rose-coloured glasses shattered.” He laughed, trying to cover his own reaction.

Ashton stared at him for a moment before saying, “Well. Yeah. I fell in love with _you_.” He said slowly, a slight frown on his face. “You’re not a ‘type’, Cal, you’re _real_.” He was looking into Calum’s eyes now with an intensity Calum only saw when they were alone. “Your mind, your words, your touch. That’s real.” Ashton leaned even closer to him, pressing a barely there kiss on Calum’s cheek. “Which is why I can never stop my heart from going even wilder every time you smile at me. Or touch me. Or kiss me. Or when you just talk. About space, cooking, the grocery list, laundry. Anything. Or when you laugh. Sing. Hum while you cook. Or even just stand near me. Cuddle me. When you just _are_ with me. God, the things you make me _feel_ , Cal.”

Calum felt his heart racing at Ashton’s words. He looked back to the older, finding Ashton smiling all smug at him after catching his reaction to his words, but under it all, he could see Ashton had said it genuinely, and not just because he was trying to get him to blush. The smugness washed away as a softer, _realer_ smile settled on his lips. Calum couldn’t look away from him, though, Ashton’s eyes trapping him when Calum looked back up to them. His mouth was dry all of a sudden, his whole body warm. Calum licked his lips. Ashton kept holding his gaze like he was just content watching Calum struggling to digest his words.

“I’m the one who usually ends up speechless because of you. It’s nice to be on the other end of this thing.” The older laughed lightly, and Calum felt his cheeks heat up even more.

“Shut up.” He muttered, shoving Ashton playfully with his shoulder. It only served to launch Ashton into a fit of giggles. “How did me talking about cosplaying Leo Fitz _for you_ ended up with you making me feel like this?” Calum whined, warmth spreading all over his body. He still shivered when Ashton reached for his hand, fingers light over his skin.

“Honestly?” Ashton said looking into his eyes, then turning to check people were asleep nearby before whispering, “That was me trying to veer the conversation away from something that would have resulted in me having to steal that blanket you have on your lap right now to cover mine.”

Calum stared at him for the whole of two seconds before snorting loudly, hand flying to his mouth to stop himself from waking up any neighbours. Ashton laughed with him, his eyes shining with mirth, but also with that love that made Calum feel all warm whenever Ashton looked at him. Their giggles eventually quieted down, and Ashton squeezed his hand, sticking his tongue out to him in a surprisingly childish bout. Calum’s heart gave another lurch because he knew that was a gesture of his that had rubbed off on him, and it made him feel all giddy again. He stuck his tongue back before sitting up straighter, stretching a bit. The blanket on his lap slid off and he shivered, reaching to replace it again with his free hand. Ashton’s last comment, though...

“So I _should_ cosplay him. Fitz.” He stated, nodding towards the laptop which had kept playing the series as they talked. “You’d be into that.” Calum grinned. That would probably be fun.

“We’ll talk about it.” Ashton whispered back, biting his lips with a barely there smile. Calum grinned harder.

* * *

“I can’t wait to get out of here.” Calum complained, stretching for the up tenth time. They were merely an hour away from Glasgow, but his back was killing him even more than his stomach was complaining about needing food. They had eaten lunch on the Dubai layover, and that had been almost seven hours ago. Still, the uncomfortable feeling and the pain in his lower back was worse. And the killer headache, which Ashton had told him was most likely due to sleep deprivation.

“Only an hour to go.” Ashton replied, exactly as Calum had expected him to.

“I know.” He chuckled.

Ashton only smiled at him, closing his eyes and yawning right after.

“You should’ve slept, Ash.” Calum said. He was worried. Ashton’s eyebags were even more pronounced now than they had been after the first 14 hour flight, and it was all because he had refused to go to sleep after that one nap, even when Calum himself –who had figured he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again– had napped for several hours.

“I need to readjust my sleep schedule. I start with a day shift.” Ashton reminded him gently. But Calum also knew better. Ashton had insisted on staying up after his only nap just to be able to watch over him. As Calum _finally_ slept. Which had made Calum feel _safe_ , but also guilty about Ashton forgoing his own sleep for him. He didn’t call him out on it, though. Both of them knew why he had, and Calum knew Ashton would deny it out loud given the chance.

“Cal.” Ashton called on him quietly, reaching for his right hand. “Are you going to tell them?”

Calum took a deep breath, looking down at Ashton’s thumb caressing over his knuckles. There were a few things Ashton could’ve been referring to, but Calum still knew he was talking about the attack.

“Not tonight.”

A pause.

“But you are.”

Calum sighed, slumping against his seat again. This time they had a –thankfully– sleeping passenger on their right, Ashton was seated next to a window.

“I am.” He nodded.

Ashton squeezed his hand.

“And Michael?” He asked slowly.

Calum breathed in deeply, closing his eyes for a moment. He released the air slowly, then opened his eyes to look at Ashton. “I don’t think Michael needs anything else on his plate right now. Not with the store and this whole thing with Grace.” Calum stated.

He had been thinking about it for a while during this second flight. Because even on their Dubai layover it had been well past morning in the UK, and they still had had no news from Michael. Calum was officially worried. Couldn’t wait to get back on land and have a reliable internet connection so he could check in with Michael.

“I think Michael would still want to know, Cal.” Ashton said quietly.

Calum knew if he kept the attack from Michael and then he found out from someone other than Calum himself, Michael would probably be pissed. No matter what else was going on in his life at the moment. So yeah, Ashton was right. But Calum was still reluctant to tell his best friend. Because if he did, he would have to explain exactly just how fucked up he was, and Michael –who had pulled him out of it once before–, didn’t deserve that added worry.

And then there was the possibility of Michael moving to London. Which would most probably –given Calum’s luck– end up being a certainty. And if he thought about Michael moving, it was just a step away from thinking about himself moving. To Prague.

“I don’t know what to do about Prague, Ash.” Calum heard himself say, his voice small. He hadn’t wanted to unpause this until tomorrow, at least. Because he wanted to enjoy however much was left of the day. He needed to. But he also couldn’t stop himself. It was, after all, the constant worry working in the back of his mind. “Is _there_ even a choice there? Like what with the Topman thing. I have to go to Prague, don’t I? Now I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice, Cal.” Ashton said, for what felt like the hundredth time.

“Going to Prague is a no-brainer.” Calum huffed out a half-hearted laugh.

“I, uh…” Ashton trailed off. And Calum knew what he was thinking. Even when Ashton didn’t want to say it out loud. _Wouldn’t_ say it out loud. “You can apply for the PhD, Cal. Prague is only six months. You could apply for that for next year.” Ashton said instead.

Calum turned to look at him, biting his lower lip. Ashton looked hesitant, like he was treading through a dangerous path. And Calum knew why.

Ashton had had his reservations –even when Calum first brought up the grant– about voicing his opinion. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Calum to go. It was never that. Ashton had just told Calum all those months ago that it wasn’t for him to decide, and thus, his opinion shouldn’t affect Calum’s choice. He said they could always talk about whatever, but that he wouldn’t help Calum decide. Ashton had made his stance pretty clear on that: this was and always would be Calum’s decision. Because even though it affected their relationship, what Calum _wanted_ or _needed_ to do for himself was above everything.

“It doesn’t have to be at Cavendish.” Ashton laid out carefully. Like Calum applying somewhere else for a three-year program wouldn’t mean uprooting their lives.

Calum held his gaze for a good five seconds before he said, “Ash.”

“Cal.”

Ashton was still staring at him. Calum didn’t want to even think about it. Yeah, he _could_ technically apply anywhere for a PhD. He could get in contact with his Professors back at Durham, see if he could get someone to supervise him. He could write to the head of the Department in Birmingham who had emailed him, ask him about possible lines of study there. Or even get in contact with his ESA tutor, who Calum recalled taught a couple of courses at Oxford. Calum could technically do it. “I know.” He nodded towards Ashton. But,… “I like our lives.”

“So do I.” Ashton agreed. Calum noticed his hold on Calum’s hand had tightened. Ashton’s eyes shifted down at them, then met back with his before exhaling softly. “Our lives are changing either way, Cal.”

“I don’t want them to.”

“I know.” Ashton smiled sadly at him for a moment, biting his lip after. If Calum thought about himself most probably leaving for Prague, Michael moving away… It was just too much. Ashton pulled him back to the present, his thumb stroking over the back of his hand. “Look, babe. I know you don’t exactly hate the store, but you don’t like working there.” Ashton stated. And Calum couldn’t really deny the statement. It was true. Even if he was slightly confused about why Ashton had circled back to it. “I’d be much happier if I knew you were working somewhere you actually wanted to be _at_.”

Calum regarded him, feeling the corner of his eyes filling with tears. He didn’t even try to blink them away before they welled up.

Ashton looked conflicted, but he still added, “That goes for Prague too.”

“I thought you didn’t want to get involved in the choice.” Calum said slowly.

“And I don’t.” Ashton replied immediately. “I don’t want to, Cal. But watching you forcing yourself to believe that going to Prague is the _only_ way forward is…” Ashton trailed off, shrugging as his own eyes got misty. “I can’t, Cal. If you’re not sure, if you feel like you’re going to be miserable there… You need to realise it’s okay to give it up.”

Calum felt his throat closing up again, but his heart wasn’t lurching inside his chest like it had some other times. He tried swallowing past the knot, Ashton’s look making him take a deep breath. But Calum couldn’t hold his gaze. He blinked, looked away. His free hand. Knuckles white from tightening his hand in a fist. If he hadn’t filed his nails, Calum wouldn’t have been surprised at himself drawing out blood.

“If–.” He started, but corrected himself quickly, “ _When_ Topman closes down, Ash, I won’t have any income. I won’t ask my parents. And I won’t–.” The words stuck in his throat, but he could see when his eyes flickered to the older that Ashton knew what he had been about to say. “I _need_ to pay for half our expenses.” Calum finally pushed through. They couldn’t live on Ashton’s pay until Calum could find another job. He _already_ had another job offer. A _good_ job offer. “Prague is a sure thing. And it’s only six months.”

Ashton held his gaze for a few –but at the same time extremely long– seconds before saying, “Okay.”

“Okay?” Calum frowned. He had expected Ashton to fight him more on that.

“What do you want me to say?” Ashton asked, shrugging his shoulders. His face was neutral, but Calum could still read the worry in the back of his gaze.

“I don’t know.” He replied.

“Yeah. Me neither, Cal.”

* * *

As they piled up inside his parents’ car, many hugs and smiles –and, in Calum’s case, he would admit, some tears– after meeting them at Arrivals, Calum was glad that they lived only about twenty minutes away from the airport. His stomach hadn’t stopped complaining since they touched down, thinking about the promise of dinner as soon as they got to his parents’. Ashton had looked way more comfortable with them than he had last year, and the way he and Mali had run into each other’s arms and squeezed each other had had Calum smiling, his chest filling with warmth. He felt a bit weird, though, knowing what he had kept from her. From his parents. His mum had looked at him as if assessing his mental state, as she often did. And Calum suspected his own panicky jump at it had given him away. But she hadn’t said anything, just hugged him closer. And as he had told Ashton, he would talk to them all. Soon. Just not tonight.

He had checked in with Michael just as soon as the plane had touched down, but he had only received a text from him saying not to worry, and that he would call the next day. Calum had frowned at it, but Michael had also explicitly asked him to enjoy Christmas Dinner with his family. So despite every instinct telling him to call Michael, he didn’t. He knew he and Grace were supposed to have been at her parents’ for the night. They probably were there. So it was best not to call. Ashton had looked worried when Calum showed him the messages, but they couldn’t really do anything. Luke hadn't heard anything from him, either, Ashton informed him after hanging up a call from the younger, wishing them Merry Christmas.

To say that they devoured dinner once they sat down at the table would have been an understatement. Mali-Koa had looked at them amusingly as they filled their plates for the third time –well, Calum filled _both_ of their plates. Ashton was too polite to ask for seconds, let alone thirds–. His father had offered them whiskey, just like last year, as he brought out a plate with cookies after dessert. Ashton had declined, though, promising that if he got any drop of alcohol in him, he would surely fall asleep before they finished watching Love Actually. Calum’s dad had laughed good-naturedly at that. It had been a nice dinner.

Joy sent them away to get changed into their pyjamas after that, having to shoo them away when Ashton insisted they help clean up. Ashton reluctantly nodded, following Calum up to his room and pulling on their suitcases. They snuck in a quick shower, Calum remaining under the hot water for a few extra seconds as Ashton got out and started towelling off. Calum would have given anything, though, to be back at their flat. Even when he was happy to have been able to spend the day –kind of– with both their families, he was still thinking about not having been back home for the first holiday of them living together.

“Okay, I know I agreed on us taking turns between Australia and Scotland for the holidays, but I fucking miss our place.” Calum said as he stepped off the shower, taking the towel Ashton was offering him. It was warm, straight from the radiator, and Calum wrapped himself in it for a moment before he started towelling off as well. “I say next year we make them come home to us.”

“I agree, let them be the ones to come to us. Let us enjoy our home.” Ashton chuckled, reaching to mess Calum’s hair.

“It’s decided.” Calum laughed, swatting his arm away. It only made Ashton laugh harder.

Not long after that, they were trudging down the stairs, Calum tugging on his hand just like last year, excited about presents.

This year, though, they didn’t even take turns. They just dived right into it, all at once. It was a whirlwind of wrapping paper, and laughter, and hugs, and the festive music coming from Mali-Koa’s laptop. Calum hadn’t even noticed Ashton opening into his family’s present for him until he was holding up two bags of coffee beans with his eyebrows arched at him.

“Wait. You were supposed to open this one before that one.” Mali intervened, Calum taking the bags from him as she handed him an envelope. Ashton stared at both of them suspiciously.

“This isn’t another vouch for a tattoo, is it?”

“Tattoo?” Mali turned to look at Calum.

“It’s not another tattoo.” Calum snorted. “What would coffee beans have anything to do with another tattoo?”

“What do _I_ know?” Ashton frowned, looking between the envelope and the two of them.

“Just open it.” Calum laughed.

“It’s from all of us.” Mali grinned.

Ashton looked at them for another moment before taking out the sole picture inside the envelope. He frowned harder.

“This is a picture of our kitchen.” He said slowly, then looked up to Calum.

“Yeah.” Calum nodded.

“So…?”

“You really don’t see anything different?” Mali laughed.

“What am I supposed to… Oh.” Ashton’s eyes widened, then he looked up from the picture, first at Calum, then Mali, then Joy and David who had come closer when they saw him with the envelope. “How did this get in our kitchen, Calum?” Ashton asked as his eyes settled back on Calum.

“Michael chipped in too.” Calum grinned back at him. “And I left him keys.”

“Consider it a housewarming gift, as well.” Mali-Koa said.

“But I’m the only one who drinks coffee.” Ashton muttered, still looking confused as hell.

It only made Calum snort, “Not true. I drink some from time to time. And even if it were true, who cares?”

Ashton was staring down at the picture in his hands, Calum laughing even harder when he saw the obnoxiously big red ribbon Michael had stuck on the top of the new coffee machine and grinder. There was a small smile pulling at Ashton’s lips, even when he was slightly blushing.

“Thank you.” Ashton beamed at Calum, then at Mali and his parents.

“Glad you like it, lad.” David laughed, clapping Ashton’s back a couple of times and having Ashton growing even redder. Mali-Koa and Calum just laughed harder.

“Okay, time for yours, Cal.” Ashton said quickly, trying to get out of the spotlight.

“My what, exactly?” Calum frowned. He had already opened Ashton’s gift for him. A set of new eyepieces for his telescopes with a few filters he was dying to try once they were back home. Or tomorrow night here if he was lucky, and it wasn’t cloudy. And the cards from Anahera and his dad to add to the wooden box upstairs.

Ashton was smirking at him, though. “You should look behind the curtains.” Ashton nodded towards the other side of the room. Calum followed his gaze and suddenly noticed something poking out underneath them. And it didn’t look exactly small. What even…?

“You said, and I quote, _one gift_. That’d be two.” Calum sent Ashton a look. But Ashton only shrugged. Mali had handed him her present, and Ashton was busy unwrapping it. So Calum had no choice but to cross the room, peeking out behind the curtains. Okay. It was even bigger than he had gauged before. _What the hell had Ashton got him?_

For once, Calum didn’t take it slow unwrapping, and just tore the paper off, his eyes widening when he realised what it was. And then he let out a squeal.

“You like it?” Ashton laughed from behind him. Mali was laughing hard beside him when Calum turned to look at them, Ashton holding a card game in his hands. Even his parents had turned to them when they heard Calum squealing.

“It will not fit. We live in a _tiny_ flat.” Calum said. He couldn’t say anything else right now.

“But _do_ you like it?” Ashton insisted. But by the way he was smiling, Calum could tell that he knew exactly how much Calum liked the present.

“It’s a giant teddy bear, of course I like it.” He laughed back, picking up the brown bear from the ground and hugging it to his chest as he tried to walk back to Ashton with it in his arms. “I love it. Him. I’m naming him Kuma. I love him so much.” Calum babbled, squeezing the bear close. He couldn’t stop smiling. The teddy was so soft. It was so big.

“I knew you’d like him.” Ashton laughed, fond, his eyes lighting up. “I know you like to cuddle, and since I can’t can’t be there for you when I’m working nights…” The older trailed off.

“Nooo.” Calum whined, letting go of the bear for a moment and launching himself to Ashton’s waiting arms. “Don’t be cute. Don’t be cute in front of my family. Not when I can’t do _anything_.” He mumbled next to Ashton’s ear, feeling Ashton’s booming laughter as he squeezed him closer. “How am I even going to take him home?” He asked, disentangling himself from Ashton’s arms and picking up the bear again. Calum really couldn’t keep the smile off his face.

“I dunno.” Ashton shrugged.

“I want a picture of you carrying that on the train back home, Cal.” Mali-Koa piped in, hiding her laughter as she took a sip from a steaming mug of something.

“What’s that?” Calum frowned.

“Dad made hot chocolate.”

“When?”

“While you were showering.” She snorted.

Calum looked at Ashton, but the older looked as confused as he was.

“Where’s ours?”

“Kitchen?” Mali shrugged.

And that was it, Calum left Kuma on an armchair, grabbed Ashton’s hand, and dashed to the kitchen, finding two mugs on the counter. Thank fuck they were still hot. Perfect drinking temperature, too. He took a long sip, Ashton snorting and reaching to wipe his thumb over Calum’s upper lip to clean the chocolate that had clung there.

“You know, I have another thing for you.” Ashton said casually.

“ _Ashton_.”

“This one cost me nothing. I promise.” The older laughed, raising his hands in front of him as if to protect himself. “It’s just... can we do it in your room?” Ashton asked, suddenly blushing.

Calum narrowed his eyes at him, not really knowing which way that was going to go. He still nodded, “Yeah, after this. We can escape for a couple of minutes before the film. That enough time?”

“Yeah.” Ashton said, looking down for a moment, a small smile growing on his face. He looked soft. Calum’s heart gave a somersault.

“Well, I must confess, you still got another present to unwrap, too.” Calum said, taking another sip from his chocolate.

Ashton stared at him for a full five seconds before he snorted, “So you broke the rule as well. Twice. Back in Sydney and here.”

“Guilty.”

“And you had the _face_ to complain about me.”

Calum just shrugged, grabbing his hand again before starting their way back to the living room.

Mali was talking with their parents about the gifts she and Calum had gotten for them back in New Zealand, so Calum took this as a better opening that he had hoped for. He had a pretty good idea how Ashton would react, and it was best if his family was otherwise entertained. It was an emotional one.

“Here you go.” He said, letting go of Ashton’s hand and reaching for the last remaining present under the tree, handing it to Ashton with a smile.

Ashton put his mug on the coffee table before he took the present from Calum’s hands, twirling it a couple of times, feeling it and trying to guess what it was. And then he snorted. “We’re not going to have the same picture framed twice, are we?” He asked, looking Calum in the eye.

“So you did hear me saying _great minds_.” Calum snorted.

“Of course I did.” The older man rolled his eyes.

“It’s not the same picture.”

Ashton only nodded, getting to unwrap it. Calum could tell exactly the moment when he realised which photo it was on the frame. The first frame, at least.

“When…? How?” He asked, cocking his head at Calum.

“Sent it to Mali as soon as I took it. It was still the 24th here, so everything was open.” Calum explained, grinning at Ashton. He felt proud for having thought of that. And it was high time Ashton had a picture with his family –including Otto– back at their place that wasn’t from when they were all kids. So Calum had just taken it before they dug into the barbecue, all of them smiling as the sun set in the background.

Calum had noticed when he first moved in how all the pictures Ashton kept of his mum, Harry and Lauren were from when they were all children. At first he hadn’t realised why. And then he did. And then he arrived in Sydney and saw Ashton’s old room. All the pictures stuck to the walls. Bec was in every single one of them. Which prompted Calum to add a second part to this gift.

Ashton was caressing the frame, his eyes shining as they travelled through his family. His fingers stopped a couple of times on the wooden frame before he noticed there was a second frame behind it, his eyebrows drawing in confusion. Calum watched with bated breath as Ashton pulled it up, resting it on top of the other.

The older didn’t comment anything about this one, not right away. Calum observed as he took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment, his lower lip trembling just the slightest bit. And then he met Calum’s eyes. Calum drew him into a hug, squeezing him close, the frames digging into his ribs but him not caring about it in the slightest. Ashton wasn’t crying, but Calum knew he probably would give into tears later when they were alone. He pressed a gentle kiss where his lips rested on Ashton’s neck.

“Thank you, Cal.” Ashton mumbled against Calum’s sleep tee.

Calum just squeezed him tighter.

* * *

“So? What’s my super secret present?” Calum beamed at Ashton as soon as he closed the door to his room.

“It’s, uh. Sit down.” Ashton said, his voice breaking just the slightest bit. He looked nervous for some reason.

“Are you going to give me a lap dance? Because Mali’s already making pop-corn.”

“It’s not a lap dance.” Ashton snorted. But his cheeks were getting redder by the minute. “Just sit down. Please.”

“Okay.” Calum said slowly. He was equal parts curious and puzzled.

“So, um. I fucked up part of this present when I fell down at the rink.” Ashton said, huffing out a small laugh, his eyes flickering away from Calum’s for a moment. “But then I realised I have a recording I can show you instead –which is a bit shitty but it’ll have to do–, and…” He trailed off, suddenly shyer than Calum had seen him in _months_.

“Ash?”

“I’m–. Give me a second.” Ashton said, taking a seat next to him and reaching for his phone on the nightstand, unlocking it and apparently searching for something. Calum was even more confused. “ _This is going to be so cheesy_.” Ashton mumbled, making a face right after. He seemed to have found whatever it was he was searching for, because he was handing Calum his phone, cheeks bright red. Calum took it from him, narrowing his eyes at the older for a second before he glanced at what Ashton had pulled up. It seemed to be a recording of him. With a guitar.

“What…?” He trailed off, glancing up to Ashton a couple times.

“You, um. You’re always saying you like my voice. So I…” Ashton trailed off, gesturing vaguely towards his phone. “I was going to sing you a song with your old guitar, here. But my wrist hurts a bit. Don’t look at me like that, the pain will be gone in a day.” He added quickly, shutting Calum off before he could even get a word out. Not that he could have, anyway. Ashton had rendered him speechless for the second – _third_ , if he count himself stuck on Ashton with twenty tattoos– time that day. “I was trying to decide which song to gift you, and… um. I had my reservations about this, because of the whole… _thing_ surrounding Denver’s personal life. But I really like the lyrics. So I just… went for it. Luke helped me out learning the song, so might want to thank him, or, I don’t know, give him a prize for dealing with me as I kept fucking up.”

“Ash…” Calum whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

“Just press play?” Ashton asked, biting his lower lip.

And then Calum did.

It was clear that Ashton wasn’t the most confident while playing, but Calum didn’t care. He looked so soft in his pyjamas, sitting cross-legged on their bed, eyeing the phone like he was overtly self-conscious of taping himself. Wincing every time he made even the tiniest mistake. And then he started singing, both in the video and next to him, and every single hair on Calum’s skin stood on end. Calum hadn’t listened to _Sunshine on my shoulders_ in a while, but he still remembered every single lyric, which made the first tear fall inevitably as he closed his eyes for a moment, thinking just how _fitting_ it was that Ashton had chosen this particular song even before Calum had broken down.

Ashton reached to wipe off his tear with his thumb, sending him a small smile as his video-self sang _‘If I had a day that I could give you I’d give to you a day just like today’,_ Ashton quickly adding, “Well, maybe not like today. Planes rides aren’t exactly perfect days.”, then laughing softly.

Calum let out a watery chuckle, leaning into Ashton’s hand on his cheek as the older joined himself for the next verse.

“ _If I had a song that I could sing for you, I’d sing a song to make you feel this way_.” Ashton had some tears in his eyes too, and Calum didn’t know how to cope with that. He didn’t know how to cope with any of it.

Ashton kept on singing _to him,_ and Calum could do nothing but keep crying, a million feelings swirling inside his chest. Mostly happiness. Yeah, that was what it was. Love, too. _Warmth_.

But when Ashton reached the lyrics _If I had a wish that I could wish for you, I’d make a wish for sunshine for all the while,_ Calum’s heart was beating erratically against his ribcage, his free hand searching for Ashton’s and lacing their fingers together. He needed to hold on to him in some way. He _needed_ it. The older smiled at him, leaning forward to nuzzle him gently before picking back up in time for the last chorus.

By the time Ashton’s recording came to a halt, Ashton letting out a small embarrassed laugh, Calum didn’t know what to do with himself. So he just kissed Ashton, pressing his lips to his firmly, hoping Ashton would understand. With the way Ashton kissed back, his hands trembling just the slightest bit as they cradled Calum’s face, Calum would say he did.

He felt himself smiling against Ashton’s lips, though, unable to keep it in.

“So you liked your present?” Ashton breathed against his lips. Calum didn’t have to open his eyes to know Ashton was smiling too, he could hear it in his tone.

“What do you think?” He chuckled, sniffling a bit.

Ashton only giggled for a moment, going for another kiss after that. This one was deeper, slower. It started to awaken something in Calum, but they couldn’t exactly give into it right now. He still enjoyed it for the time being. Ashton’s hands sliding to his nape, his fingers in his hair. The way Ashton moaned softly when Calum snuck in his tongue, tracing his teeth. His hands on Ashton’s waist, anchored themselves there.

It was a bit uncomfortable, kissing while they were both seated on the edge of the bed. Calum would have loved nothing more than to lay Ashton down on it, enjoy making out with him. Taking him apart with just kisses. They hadn’t done that in a while, and fuck if Calum didn’t miss it. But they had to go back downstairs. So with a heavy heart, he let the kiss end slowly. Every time he tried to pull away, though, Ashton pulled him back in for another kiss.

It went on for long enough that it prompted Calum to giggle softly against Ashton’s lips, before he said, “Popcorn’s going to be long gone by the time we come down.”

And that finally put a stop to Ashton’s antics.

They were breathing each other’s breath, foreheads touching, Ashton gently caressing his nape. Calum’s thumbs were drawing soft circles over Ashton’s sleep tee. Yeah, Calum would have loved to stay up here.

“Ready for Love Actually?” Ashton asked, still a little breathless.

Calum opened his eyes to find him looking at him. “I’d much rather stay in this moment.” He confessed quietly. “But yeah, ready for Love Actually.”

Ashton giggled, stealing a kiss from his lips before he let go of him, getting up.

“Come on, we can do more of this later.” He said, offering Calum his hand and pulling him up from the bed. Calum declined to state the obvious, Ashton was leaving in the morning. “Besides, tradition is tradition, right?” Ashton added, his thumb brushing over Calum's knuckles.

“Well, then. Better late than never for this one.” Calum said with a small laugh. Ashton looked at him, confused, until Calum added, “Merry Christmas, Ash.”

Ashton chuckled, closing his eyes for a moment as realisation dawned on him that they had never actually said it to each other all day. And then he turned back to him, a small smile playing on his lips as he said, “Blythe Yule, Cal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Funny story. I didn't realise until after I finished writing and started editing this one, that despite the entire chapter taking place over both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day no one actually said the words "Merry Christmas" 🤣🤣 So I added that bit at the end. I don't know if I'm happy with it or it does stick out like sore thumb hahahha  
> Tell me what you guys thought if you feel like it! Thank you so so much for reading 💙💙

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!! 💙💙💙


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